The Curmudgeon Screws Up The Superbowl: Part 3

Lady GaGa at the Superbowl…

Christ on a Cracker, when did life get so weird?

There’s a thing I recommend to all people (and in particular Americans). Unplug from the Matrix for a bit, shake it out, relax, breathe, then after a suitable absence (and only if you wish) join back with the collective. When you do… watch closely.

Distance allows you to see things with greater clarity. In recent memory I’ve seen the following:

  • People wearing vagina costumes.
  • Death threats against a dentist who went on a Safari.
  • Anti smoking ads featuring crying cats.
  • A president incapable of saying “Islamic” and “terrorism” in the same sentence, even when Islamic fundamentalists commit a terrorist attack.
  • NSA spying. Stingray antennas. And crossing the Rubicon where law enforcement (through asset forfeiture) seizes more than actual theft.
  • Movies (for adults) involving magic quasi-humans who wear tights and punch things.
  • The rise of the K-Cup. (More on this later.)
  • Heated debates about chicken sandwiches, wedding cakes, toilet choices, and sexuality.
  • People mulling over the pros and cons of shooting a gorilla to save a human child.

Go ahead… tell me all that makes sense. Give it a shot, I’ll be here all day, read that list aloud and then say “all of these things make sense”. Do it!

Couldn’t do it could you? That’s because you’ve stepped back and witnessed it with the proper perspective. While one is in the midst of a Facebook shitstorm things seem logical but months later, at a distance, they seem; odd. Which brings me back to the topic at hand. I witnessed Lady Gaga.

You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me.

Broadcast live, from the center of Panem, was this… thing. Now I’m not a stick in the mud, I can appreciate artistry. I grok the idea that musical performer is a bit more outrageous than say… an accountant. I finally accepted that folks can wind up on stage without needing to play an instrument. I get that it’s the Superbowl and things are by definition over the top. But still…

What the hell is this object?

It’s like the Joker had sex with a disco ball. Plus she didn’t seem to… um… well I thought her songs were… Well on a positive note they were on-key. Creative? Sure… for a definition of creative I guess. But honestly… she reminded me of the pomp and circumstance of the Hunger Games:

May the odds be ever in your favor; especially the Patriots who are a bloody pulp at halftime.

The photo above is from the Hunger Games. It’s a movie that features an oppressive dystopic capital city that has become unmoored from reality as it subjugates the deplorables in the hinterland. She’s meant to be a friggin metaphor. Yet Effie Trinket is named, dressed, and acts more demurely than Lady Gaga.

Or this:

Hipster beard

Can you honestly say this object looks significantly different than a particularly well coiffed version of the trustfunder who lectures you about dying polar bears while fucking up your latte at Starbucks?

This sent my mind racing. Are we already witnessing Panem? Maybe we’ve been there for years?!? For example, there’s this:

This object was on TV 26 years ago. It predates the iPhone. It currently publicly discusses the pros and cons of “blowing up the White House”. (Fortunately for her, it’s only racist and ill conceived to ponder violent presidential murder prior to January 20th. On the 21st something undefinable happened and now it’s super awesome and brave.)

I concluded that I’d submitted myself quite enough to both Panem’s horseshit and watching Tom Brady get shredded. I finished my fourth beer and wandered out into the streets. Boy did I time it badly!

I forgot that this is a new era; a time of change and unpredictability. A time when all things are possible. The Cubs broke an 108 year dry spell, the excellent and unbeatable Clinton machine was trounced by an orange real estate developer, and a 21-3 halftime score is not a blowout. I should have kept my ass at that bar. I missed it! I endured Lady Gaga only to miss the good half of the best Superbowl in the history of ever.

Lesson learned. Nothing in 2017 is over until it’s over.

About AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Adaptive Curmudgeon is handsome, brave, and wise.
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12 Responses to The Curmudgeon Screws Up The Superbowl: Part 3

  1. ILTim says:

    I realized the big sportsball thing was happening and I didn’t want to have to hear about what I missed in the office the next day… so I turned it on a few minutes before half time.

    What I need to ask….. is Lady a He? I mean… that’s not a girl… right?

  2. Robert says:

    Subjected to The Gaga and walked out on the 2nd half. Which god(s) did you piss off?

  3. hightecrebel says:

    I’ll say this for her…she was a hell of a lot more entertaining than Beyonce was last year.

  4. I think you are showing your…emmm…Curmudgeon-ness. I had expected bashing of POTUS by the bucket load AND a new high in slutty dress. Because…..well the talking heads kept saying in the weeks before that she would surely bas POTUS cause everyone else was and the last few SuperBowl half times were more R rated than not.

    Instead she did her songs. ( I’m not a huge fan but she did a good job and didn’t lip sinc. Frankly I don’t know how she moved that much and sang at all).Also Lady Gaga frequently (ok not during the superbowl but frequently) does torch songs….often with singers older than her father. I mean…real music with real singers. She used a lot of high tech stuff to include over 100 drones and….she looked Vegas but not even half as slutty as last years performers. So I considered her show a win.

    As to New England….well they should thank the offensive coordinator for Atlanta for not calling only run plays in the 4th quarter . You know…when they were down at the 20 yd line and a field goal would have iced the game. Plus a defensive coordinator who called the right plays but liked to brag about how his Defense was mostly undersized but quick. Well…..LOL I have seen that about a million times. Sure you need your DB to be fast but if your Defense is smaller they will tend to get pushed around and by the 4th quarter are often out of gas ( Sucking wind etc, cause the big boys from New England were laying all over them for 3 quarters.) It works time and again… have to have your team in amazing conditioning if they are under weight.

    With that oh Curmudgeon now that the football/beer season is over can you please please tell us….what the hell is going on with the Squirrels ???

    • AdaptiveCurmudgeon says:

      Glad you asked. Squirrels will resume next week. Thanks for reading. (Bitching about Superbowl was something of an unplanned aside.)

  5. Jesse Bogan says:

    And just when you think things can’t get any weirder…

    A hotrod gremlin appears….

  6. cspschofield says:

    Dear Sir,

    While Imunderstand your reaction, me,experience,over the last two decades leads me to psit the,following two Iron Laws of the Sperbowl;

    1) Anything tasteful done during a Superbowl halftime show was an accident.

    2) Nothing of any consequence happens during Superbowl halftime, ever. If you think you have seen an exception to this rule, wait five years.

    • AdaptiveCurmudgeon says:

      Both rules are apt. I was a victim of thinking a third rule exists; “3-23 is insurmountable”. That hypothesis is now disproven.

  7. Mark Matis says:

    Look, at the end of Part Deux, you complained that:
    the Superbowl was going to be a lopsided snooze fest.

    And indeed it was. The two teams merely changed uniforms at halftime. The second half was even more of a blowout than the first. How is that any different from what you expected???

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