The Cremation of Sam McGee

A while back I had a very cold bad day. I remarked:

“After all that I was so cold I was ready to climb inside the woodstove. Burning to a crisp has never sounded so warm and inviting. Instead I wrapped up some potatoes, sliced carrots, and meat into little tinfoil packets and cooked them on the coals. (This gave me an excuse to hover over the stove and thaw out properly. It was delicious.) Caveman food; yum!”


A couple different readers suggested I’d been reading The Cremation of Sam McGee by Robert Service (1874–1958). It wasn’t on my mind but I’ve heard the poem before. It definitely seems appropriate. Here’s the whole thing, enjoy:

There are strange things done in the midnight sun
      By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
      That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
      But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
      I cremated Sam McGee.
Now Sam McGee was from Tennessee, where the cotton blooms and blows.
Why he left his home in the South to roam ’round the Pole, God only knows.
He was always cold, but the land of gold seemed to hold him like a spell;
Though he’d often say in his homely way that “he’d sooner live in hell.”
On a Christmas Day we were mushing our way over the Dawson trail.
Talk of your cold! through the parka’s fold it stabbed like a driven nail.
If our eyes we’d close, then the lashes froze till sometimes we couldn’t see;
It wasn’t much fun, but the only one to whimper was Sam McGee.
And that very night, as we lay packed tight in our robes beneath the snow,
And the dogs were fed, and the stars o’erhead were dancing heel and toe,
He turned to me, and “Cap,” says he, “I’ll cash in this trip, I guess;
And if I do, I’m asking that you won’t refuse my last request.”
Well, he seemed so low that I couldn’t say no; then he says with a sort of moan:
“It’s the cursèd cold, and it’s got right hold till I’m chilled clean through to the bone.
Yet ’tain’t being dead—it’s my awful dread of the icy grave that pains;
So I want you to swear that, foul or fair, you’ll cremate my last remains.”
A pal’s last need is a thing to heed, so I swore I would not fail;
And we started on at the streak of dawn; but God! he looked ghastly pale.
He crouched on the sleigh, and he raved all day of his home in Tennessee;
And before nightfall a corpse was all that was left of Sam McGee.
There wasn’t a breath in that land of death, and I hurried, horror-driven,
With a corpse half hid that I couldn’t get rid, because of a promise given;
It was lashed to the sleigh, and it seemed to say: “You may tax your brawn and brains,
But you promised true, and it’s up to you to cremate those last remains.”
Now a promise made is a debt unpaid, and the trail has its own stern code.
In the days to come, though my lips were dumb, in my heart how I cursed that load.
In the long, long night, by the lone firelight, while the huskies, round in a ring,
Howled out their woes to the homeless snows— O God! how I loathed the thing.
And every day that quiet clay seemed to heavy and heavier grow;
And on I went, though the dogs were spent and the grub was getting low;
The trail was bad, and I felt half mad, but I swore I would not give in;
And I’d often sing to the hateful thing, and it hearkened with a grin.
Till I came to the marge of Lake Lebarge, and a derelict there lay;
It was jammed in the ice, but I saw in a trice it was called the “Alice May.”
And I looked at it, and I thought a bit, and I looked at my frozen chum;
Then “Here,” said I, with a sudden cry, “is my cre-ma-tor-eum.”
Some planks I tore from the cabin floor, and I lit the boiler fire;
Some coal I found that was lying around, and I heaped the fuel higher;
The flames just soared, and the furnace roared—such a blaze you seldom see;
And I burrowed a hole in the glowing coal, and I stuffed in Sam McGee.
Then I made a hike, for I didn’t like to hear him sizzle so;
And the heavens scowled, and the huskies howled, and the wind began to blow.
It was icy cold, but the hot sweat rolled down my cheeks, and I don’t know why;
And the greasy smoke in an inky cloak went streaking down the sky.
I do not know how long in the snow I wrestled with grisly fear;
But the stars came out and they danced about ere again I ventured near;
I was sick with dread, but I bravely said: “I’ll just take a peep inside.
I guess he’s cooked, and it’s time I looked”; … then the door I opened wide.
And there sat Sam, looking cool and calm, in the heart of the furnace roar;
And he wore a smile you could see a mile, and he said: “Please close that door.
It’s fine in here, but I greatly fear you’ll let in the cold and storm—
Since I left Plumtree, down in Tennessee, it’s the first time I’ve been warm.”
There are strange things done in the midnight sun
      By the men who moil for gold;
The Arctic trails have their secret tales
      That would make your blood run cold;
The Northern Lights have seen queer sights,
      But the queerest they ever did see
Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
      I cremated Sam McGee.
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Flashlight Followup: Part 2

My SpotX runs on batteries so the newest addition to the Curmudgeon adventure kit is a Tactical Flashlight Portable Power Bank Cree LED 1865. I like it. I’m including links to Amazon. (I swiped the photo from their ad too.)

Let me be the first to say the name is dumb. I avoid buying anything with “tactical” in the name (on budgetary reasons if nothing else). Also ad copy is strange and mis-translated. Check out this disaster:

“I’m sorry that I don’t know if I should call myself a flashlight or a Portable Charger . Thanks to my great designer daddy, I have both excellent functions of power bank and flashlight. I can stay with you always. When you need electricity, I will supply you. When it is dark, I can lighting for you. When you are bored or anxious, I can playing with you, take me in your hand, it will relif you . Maybe you are not in love with me at first sight, but you will like me more and more.”

What. The. Fuck. Is. That?!?

I think we can all safely say we don’t want any flashlight to “relif” us! I shudder to think  what someone in a factory in China thinks I’m going to do with this flashlight. Ugh…

I’m not going to explain how a charger works. Y’all know that. Here’s a picture proving that it works with a SpotX. It’s a 2600mAh battery.

A few more details. It’s only $17 so it’s not going to break the bank. The waterproofing is probably good but the tail end has a rubber “boot” that could get damaged. I assume the boot is part of the waterproofing. So far it’s fine for me. The on / off switch is a bit small and it could get activated in your pack.

There’s a high beam which is very bright, a low beam which is adequate, and a flashing setting that will induce seizures. Don’t look at it when you’re clicking through modes! You can change the beam focus in case that makes you happy. It’s not a feature I need but it’s there and works. It’s solid like a brick, it’s not too heavy, and it fits in a pocket.

It charges in through USB and charges out through USB. You can use the same cable for both purposes. It has a little “I’m charging” indicator light.

I charge it and the SpotX in my truck via cigarette lighter so it’s always read to go. I leave on the trail with both devices freshly charged; every time.

Incidentally, this is possibly overkill. When used judiciously the SpotX has very good multi-day (and possibly even a full week or more) battery life. I just tend to use it injudiciously and wanted a backup. I can also use it to charge up my GoPro.

As always YMMV. Happy Camping.

A.C.

P.S. If you buy anything (no matter what it is) thought an Amazon link, I get a tiny kickback. It doesn’t cost you a dime. I promise this is stuff I’ve used myself and found it to work well for me… but if you’re worried I’m just a shill for Amazon… well ya’ got me. I do take a buck when I get a chance.

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Flashlight Followup: Part 1

Time to go big picture. Lets talk “adventure gadgets” shall we?

Think of the stuff you use outdoors. It’s rare to ignore electronics. It’s certainly possible to be a proper studly cavemen carrying nothing but primitive kit, but unless you’re trying to prove something you’re always carrying shit that runs on a battery. (Note: if you’re trying to prove something… I get it and wish you luck.)

Please, indulge me as I ramble. When you go adventuring, the e-stuff you carry should be an ensemble. Plan ahead fer crissakes! Thoughtfully acquire a group of things that do what you want. Don’t hurl money at what is popular! Plan and think. Then the stuff you choose will be light and small, fairly cheap, and ideally weather resistant. The whole grouping should serve you instead of the other way around.

This is exactly what most people don’t do. For most people, their main gadget is an “all in one, master of none” piece of e-Soma called a smartphone. (Is “smart” a necessary adjective to “phone” in 2020?) It’s a default choice. Folks carry a phone like a nun with a rosary and it’s used daily if not hourly. (Do nuns carry rosaries?)

A phone sucks when delivered to a completely foreign environment. Don’t crush the round peg of “handy at the office” into the square hole of “I’m in a kayak”. Phones are all-in-one, expensive, delicate, devices with a short battery life when you’d be better served by redundant, cheap, tough, devices with better battery life. Unless you make a very special investment in a super awesome tactical case (and even then), it wasn’t meant for the situation forced upon it.

Here’s my alternative, leave your phone behind where it belongs. For true outdoor use, get a two way satellite communicator. I got a SpotX because I was inspired by John Wik. I reviewed he heck out of it (including a music video from Rockwell) in this series: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, pricing. (Note: I’ll do a one year review in May… I think I’ll dial back on the services and therefore shave about half the cost. Email if you have questions.)

You don’t have to buy one, but if you use my link it costs you nothing extra and I get a small kickback. I really own one. This is mine. It’s on a boat I built. ‘Cause I’m the kinda’ guy that had to build a boat.

My SpotX has served me well. It allows me to wander about solo without people bitching about my “risky” behavior. Who knows? It might really save my ass. In lieu of a cell phone camera, I carry a GoPro clone. Rounding up the bunch, I have a very old GPS. (Paper maps and a compass are assumed.)

Each thing does precisely what I want. All pieces are ruggedized. Combined, they weigh very little. It’s unlikely one event will kill all three and if it does (and I live) I can replace all three for less than the cost of a new phone.

I especially like the GoPro because it ‘aint tracking me. It takes pictures and otherwise shuts the hell up.

Likewise, my GPS navigates by receiving satellites but it doesn’t talk to them. (A lot of people can’t differentiate between GPS navigation and cell tower based navigation. If you go where this matters, figure it out.)

Finally, my favorite toy; the SpotX is less invasive than a cell phone. It’s great at tracking me but unlike a cell phone, it asks first. At my instructions, it sends tracking data to the specified designee(s) and not some creep working at Verizon. A cell phone bosses you around. With a SpotX, I’m the boss! It shuts down when I turn it off, doesn’t bitch at me to check Facebook, and never hassles me with ads. When I’m solo I sometimes leave tracking on. It’s either a safety feature or a courtesy to whomever may have to deal with an aftermath; “Last check in was at location X, look there for half a Curmudgeon and a fat grizzly bear”. More often I just hit “check in” at select junctures. Mrs. Curmudgeon gets a text “Mr. Curmudgeon is fine at location X and time Y.”

The SpotX can send a message from anywhere at any time for any reason. I receive just as reliably AND I can block people out when I want peace. (Note: it’s not great at text conversations with lots of back and forth. It’s best for simple declarative statements. Text stoically “Back at camp”, “All is well”, “Got the truck out of the ditch”, “Caught a fish, I am like a God of the lake”, that sort of thing.)

The big deal is that the SpotX has a big red button for “save my ass”. The button is great but what’s better is the staff waiting for the button press. That’s their job and they’ll likely do it better than some overworked 911 dispatcher at Cobweb County Emergency Services who won’t understand you’re not at a house but spread all over a scree slope. (I also have rescue insurance.) It has GPS but it’s crude. I don’t use it much. My regular GPS (and noggin) are better.

I have a weird observation about the SpotX. When I leave my phone behind where it belongs the very act deeply affects muggles. They’re completely conditioned. Separation from their phone is like cutting off an appendage. Seeing me toss my cell in my truck and walk away… it worries them. They know I’ve got a SpotX. They know I can communicate with anyone anywhere. They know a dude who looks as ugly as me probably can live in the forest like Sasquatch, but they still get nervous. They act skittery; like a dog that shit on the carpet and doesn’t want to be found out. If you get a SpotX or other satcom, try it yourself. See if I’m lying. Report back to me, I’d like to know your take on it.

The flashlight/charger is covered in part 2.

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Cold Day

It’s been a fairly um… aggressive… winter. Mother nature ‘aint pulling punches. The bitch!

But I’m up to it. I have the tools to get by. Barely.

It was a very cold in the morning morning and I was working in an outbuilding with fair insulation but weak power. I have a little heater that does the job perfectly in reasonable conditions but it just can’t keep up once the ambient temp approaches -20. It’s just underpowered. But I’m not equipped for more power load so I blasted my Mr. Buddy Heater a few minutes to take the chill off. It did great but the area isn’t vented so I turned it off and tried to just power thorough. The day started cold and got colder. The electric heater kept the room tolerable, if not comfortable. Then right after sunset I blew a fuse. One of those shitty old screw in types. Worse yet, the fuse is located in a dilapidated barn behind many snowdrifts. Yuck! (Photos are grainy because I was using a half frozen cheapskate phone.) Kudos to Mrs. Curmudgeon for bringing me some fresh fuses from town!

After wading through nut deep snowdrifts to the old barn I had juice back on. But who knows how long? I decided to brush off and test out “plan B”; my little generator. It took a few pulls but once it was running it was a sweet as ever. It’s been sitting several months so a “shake out run” was in order anyway. I can run a single heater with the generator and a heater with shore power (and alternate a bit to take the pressure of the barn’s wiring). It’s crude but it works.

The real hero of the day was a slick little flashlight Mrs. Curmudgeon got me for Christmas. Without it I’d have probably stuck my finger in the blown fuse socket in the pitch black barn… which admittedly would have at least warmed me up. Damn is it cold out there!

The flashlight is very clever. I had it on my “wish list” on Amazon. It has a USB charging feature which was the real draw. I intend it to be the backup power should my SpotX crap out somewhere remote in a situation that’s… significant. Unlikely but I like to prepare. There’s a reason parachutes have a reserve. The flashlight, which saved my ass, as a feature was almost a second thought. You might want to check it out. I’ll add the Amazon link to the bottom of this post when I’m near better WiFi.

After all that I was so cold I was ready to climb inside the woodstove. Burning to a crisp has never sounded so warm and inviting. Instead I wrapped up some potatoes, sliced carrots, and meat into little tinfoil packets and cooked them on the coals. (This gave me an excuse to hover over the stove and thaw out properly. It was delicious.) Caveman food; yum!

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Eddie Murphy’s Memberberries

Recently I watched Saturday Night Live with Eddie Murphy. It was Mrs. Curmudgeon’s idea. My first reaction was “Saturday Night Live still exists?” I guess it does. What do I know?

It was OK watching Eddie Murphy re-enact the 1980’s and we all laughed. Me too… even though he didn’t deliver the jokes well, the jokes weren’t new, and the whole thing was just a walk down memory lane. God help me, am I in the demographic that’s doomed to spend their remaining waning years reliving lost youth? Fuck that!

Here’s a clip of the introduction. It’s the only original part. It’s got blacky blackness of blackitude… which is pretty damn edgy for 1946 and seems a bit odd for 2019. Then again what do I know? It was precisely funny enough to be OK. A solid B grade in the “phoned it in” funniness index. My only disappointment was Dave Chappelle, who I view to be an absolute master, just standing there kind of being average. Dave, you can do so much better. Cash your huge check and then get back to rocking the world like you should.

All through the show, Eddie Murphy delivered lines from all his fresh new skits of 1984. Gumby, Buckwheat, Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood… exactly all the things from 35 years ago. He delivered them with a workmanship ability that’s totally average. He hammed it up a little, flubbed lines a bit, and did just exactly the right level of smack dab in the middle of the bell curve that lets a former bright shining star cash in at retirement age.

I tried to enjoy it and it didn’t suck… but I’d seen this before. But where?

And then I read about a totally different comic in a totally different venue. One that was willing to skate on thinner ice and therefore far outshine Murphy’s fading wattage. Ricky Gervais ripped into the Hollywood elite and their pinhead failures like a champ. He did it at the Golden Globes and I caught the clip later on.

It wasn’t as masterful as Chappele right now or George Carlin in his prime but it was a whole lot better than Murphy’s safe walk though yesterday. I still couldn’t get around the conundrum: What’s the word for Murphy’s totally non-threatening performance in 2019 versus his excellence in 1984?

The answer is Memberberries. South Park, which doesn’t fuck around with milquetoast wimpy pandering, has explained it all. God bless Matt and Trey, those weird and unrepentant geniuses! American Greatness saw the link I already knew was there but couldn’t define. Well done!

Eddie Murphy in 2019 did nothing but stand on stage and remind people of pleasant things from long ago. Fucking Memberberries! “Member Buckwheat? Member Gumby? Wasn’t Gumby greaaaat?”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QM2zcv5AfaM

Here’s a clip of Memberberries in action. They sound just like Eddie Murphy… artlessly reminding us of happy times in the past. Murphy does “Member Gumby?” Southpark does “Member Ghostbusters?” Both are from 1984 and both were very funny 35 years ago. The point is Member anything: it makes you happy but it’s not a joke and it’s not funny. It’s a generic fleeting unconnected dopamine hit for the right demographic. Even for the target audience, there’s a chuckle and then it’s gone. Also gone; the creative spark that made the original funny in the first place.

American Greatness continues:

“Instead of taking risks to build a new culture, we are like scavengers, rapidly deconstructing the edifices our ancestors constructed. That’s because yet another remake, sequel, or spinoff is guaranteed to turn a profit as the public binges for another day on memberberries.”

Well said. We know the way to go. All we need are the people who can make the trek. Lets hope that Chappelle and South Park and Ricky Gervais are up to the task… may they do the heavy lifting that Murphy didn’t.

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The Big Picture Is Unusually Cold

Every now and then I say something I assume all people know. They don’t. When this happens the response is one of the following:

  • Good: Dude laid down a mind blowing factoid. Awesome! It’s like the cool TED talks before the whole TED talk thing went full retard and became a signaling exercise for politicians and degree fluffers.
  • Bad: Dude committed heresy. Burn him at the stake.
  • Denial: Dude said something that upsets me. I won’t think about it because it makes me sad.
  • Airball: I like Cheetoes.

Based on an intro like that you’d expect I’ve got some deep revelatory statement to make. I don’t, I have a simple, dumb, obvious statement that shouldn’t be surprising at all.

Here it is: The environment right now, the situation where all of human history has happened; isn’t particularly sweet, easy, and awesome. In fact it’s pretty shitty. We’re in an ice age and living in an ice age probably sucks.

None of this is particularly surprising for someone who thinks in geologic or epochal time scales. It simply is. Yet human bias must be overcome to see it. We’re all prey to the deep seated idea that if humans live now and here, then this is probably the best time and situation. And by “all of human existence”, we tend to blinder ourselves down to one specific human’s lifetime… ours. I’d qualify that even further. I think people believe the best possible climate is the one present during their formative years. Your mindset was formed when you were a kid. Maybe you remember about what season you could play pond hockey, maybe you went surfing on Christmas and the tides were a certain height… whatever it was, that’s what sits in the back of your mind. It’s not merely “average” but “the way it ought to be”. Aren’t we the center of our own universe?

Making a leap of logic, I think that’s why it’s so easy for us (collectively!) to lose our shit over environmental change. Any change, no matter what type or direction, is viewed as a threat. It makes sense. If we think here and now (or possibly a near historic idealized “before time”) is just fuckin ducky… then all deviation is super un-good.

You know this observation doesn’t have to be just about climate but that’s where I’m going. I shouldn’t address the idea because it’s radioactive. I’m going to talk about climate of the Cenozoic and some dipshit is going to relate that to raging forest fires, in Australia, in 2020, in January, on Wednesday… as if that has anything to do with broad sweeping epochs. Me doing anything but hyperventilating as instructed is badthink and it’s dangerous. Before you know it I’m going to have an Autistic Swedish teenager bitching at me about soda straws. Such is the way of the world.

But, I’m doing it anyway. To quote Kipling “the burnt Fool’s bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire”.

Here’s the deal, almost always, in almost the entire existence of planet earth, it’s been warmer. I’m not saying it’s good, I’m not saying it’s bad, I’m saying the third planet from the sun is almost always warmer than all of human history.

Not many folks know this. I sorta’ always knew it. I don’t know why. I liked dinosaurs as a kid so maybe I picked up a bit of paleoclimate knowledge? Regardless, I take this knowledge for granted but it’s apparently not common at all.


I recently stumbled across a graph that showed the big picture pretty well. It came with a few statements that amused me. If you think a 0.1 degree variation between now and the average of the last century is enough merit throwing bricks at your neighbor’s SUV then strap in because you’ve about to see a roller coaster ride. Here’s the graph:

I got the graph from Watts Up With That. They didn’t pick it from a hat. They got it from Christopher Scotese’s geological interpretation of Phanerozoic global temperatures (which I didn’t bother reading).

Note: you learn something every day and I learned the word phanerozic. (Phanerozic is the current geologic eon. The one with lots of cool plants and animals. Not the boring eons that are all bacteria and organic chemistry. They suck! The phanerozic rocks! It covers 541 million years to the present. In case you’re wondering; a half billion years is a long time. Now you know what phanerozic means. You’re welcome.)

Anyway, back to the image. See the blue band? They call that Icehouse. We’re in that band right now. Look at the whole stretch of 500,000,000+ years. How much of that vast timeline is it in the blue band? Riiiiiiiight… almost none.

See the tiny little divot on the far right? That’s us. Our puny pathetic span on this planet is there. Oh no! What about the vertical line that leaves the uncommon Icehouse and blitzkreigs into the green center… where the earth has spent most of time? That’s labeled “PAW” and it’s a projection of possible anthropogenic warming. It’s the ultimate doom and gloom scenario. The saddest and weepiest pessimistic IPCC climate model.

So did that scenario happen? Oh hell no! In 2016 the actual global average surface temperature of the Earth is marked on the plot. It’s well in the blue. It’s about 14.5 degrees C. (Zoom in and you’ll see it. It’s in the blue. Brrrr.)

Yeah, in case you were wondering, the first rounds of IPCC climate models that said shit would be bad? Didn’t happen. Nope. Not at all. The thermometers in real life didn’t show what the IPCC warned us about. (Got that? They made predictions and they were wrong. File that in the back of your mind and keep it for whatever future use you might encounter.)

The write up covers things pretty well but the main point is ice ages are cold (duh), we’re in one right now, and ice ages are rare. How rare? We’re in “the fifth significant and severe ice age in Earth’s known history”. Five little blips in a half billion years of natural processes.

Maybe it’s semantics. What’s the definition of an ice age? If there was a field guide it would say this: “Look for the presence of continental and polar ice sheets and alpine glaciers. Find that and you’re in an ice age.” We’ve got that shit… thus it’s an ice age.

But polar ice caps are normal! The arctic ice is where Santa lives. A time without polar ice caps would be strange. Right?

Wrong! “[O]ut of the last 550 million years, the earth has had permanent ice caps on one or both poles only nine percent of the time.”

So, if Thanos gets his glove of power and goes berserk and melts every inch of the polar ice caps because he’s got a bug up his ass about some shit… what does that mean? It means “Oh no, the earth’s climate is now the way it is 91% of the time.” Also it means I didn’t pay attention to the last movie in the Avengers series… because I’m pretty sure ant man changed time or something.

It also means everyone would use the Northwest Passage instead of the Panama Canal. How cool would that be? I for one support our future Canadian economic overlords.

Anyway, I’m not saying it’s a good idea to mine eleventy billion tons of coal, put it in your back yard, and touch that shit off. I’m not saying it’s good to spew shit into the air. I’m not saying humans can’t fuck things up. I’m just saying we assume the world now is the kindest gentlest time of all… and it’s not. Plants and animal and fish and rabbits and lemurs and aardvarks probably do better in most scenarios. Probably monkeys on social media do too.

I can’t be certain of that.  Maybe polar ice caps are why we’re not getting eaten by a brontosaurus analogue. Maybe warmer weather would give bacteria the upper hand? Maybe heat somehow favors big toothy proto birds instead of monkeys with iPhones? Maybe we’re allergic to trilobites?

Regardless, there’s a single fact to remember. It’s an actual fact. “Ice Ages are rare, but humans evolved during one, so it seems normal to us.”

 

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Critter Update

For no particular reason, I’ve decided to post a few critter pictures.

The first is Tardo; possibly the dumbest mammal in North America. I mentioned him some time ago. He showed up last fall and adopted us. At the time he was a gangly teenagerish kitten. He may have gotten lost from some other location and simply stayed with us? I doubt he’s from a feral litter but I can’t rule it out. I’ve not seen any similar aged and equally stupid cats hanging around but who knows? It’s a miracle the coyotes haven’t eaten his dumb ass yet. He’s so friendly I can’t help but root for him.

He really did run away when I called him Paul Krugman. (My bad on that; some insults are too cruel even for a stupid cat.) He came back weeks later, shortly before the snow flew. He’s been hanging around being super polite and friendly despite having the intellect of a houseplant. We all like this pleasant idiot.

A pre-existing and much older cat was not pleased with the interloper. This cat has had so many names I forget them all. Virtually every name I use for this cat is a synonym for asshole. This cat isn’t dumb, it’s just evil. Don’t let the innocent look fool you; it’s scheming and hoping for a chance to do something unacceptable… aside from eating and shitting, all it does is try to piss me off. It usually succeeds. This cat is a net loss to humanity.

Big dumb, stupid, young, healthy Tardo perpetually wants to make friends with the old, small, evil, asshole established resident. The smaller, older cat hisses and carries on like it’s going to unleash the gates of hell. Tardo, not knowing what else to do, administers a half-hearted swipe to the head. He’s not so much fighting as confused. The small evil cat may sound like a dragon but it’s really just a two pound sack of bluff (and evil). It tears ass out of there, leaving a confused and lonely idiot behind.

Assholes gonna’ asshole. It hides under the car and alternates between growling cat obscenities and pretending it likes hiding under the car. Meanwhile the other cat is a hundred feet away, sitting in the snow, licking it’s balls… an activity which probably takes all of it’s mental circuits. It doesn’t even really know it’s being insulted.The most important thing is my dog. It still lives! It’s probably damn near 150 years old in human time. The respected elder takes a lot of my attention but it has earned it. It is not in pain but it’s definitely geriatric. Every day is precious. I’m surprised and delighted we had it with the family for one last Christmas.

In this photo, it’s just watching two lesser beings (cats) doing dumb things. It’s assessing how much response is necessary. In it’s younger days it would have broken up any fight among cats with extreme power. It would hit like an air strike and every cat in the vicinity learned to play nice very quickly. The dog has no patience for discord!

Now as a fully retired dog, it just watches. If a lopsided battle between the evil old wimp and the strapping young idiot lasts more than 90 seconds, the dog will let lose with a torrent of barks that will send both scrambling. This time the dog decided it wasn’t necessary. It’s the best dog I’ve ever had.

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Blog Housekeeping

I’m pretty lazy about blog maintenance. I update my blogroll infrequently and haphazardly; I usually forget to mention it when I make a change too. It’s a new year so I’ll start out on a better footing.


In no particular order, here a few new links I’ve added:

Rotten Chestnuts

Raconteur Report


I’ve also pulled some Amazon links. I’ve no beef with Amazon. Despite being somewhat evil in a general way, they’ve always treated me OK. I just decided to unclutter things. Also, it’s wise to keep my distance from an entity that can and does deplatform / demonetize without pause. (Note: they’ve been good to me… not complaining. Just staying safe y’all.)

In case you’re wondering: this “pull your nuts out of the vice before it matters” logic is why I migrated from WordPress.org a few years ago. WordPress actually treated me well, but I didn’t hang around to find out if they’d keep it up forever.


I also moved a few of my favorite quotes to my “Quotes and Poems” page.

Czeslaw Milosz: 1911-2004

In a room where people unanimously maintain a conspiracy of silence, one word of truth sounds like a pistol shot.

John Dryden: 1631-1700

“Coimhéad fearg fhear na foighde”
Beware of the anger of a patient man.

D. H. Lawrence: 1885-1930

I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.

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Attack Of The Lesbian Activist Squirrels: Exceptional Photojournalism

Chigger got it all on video. It was an exceptional piece of photojournalism. Despite a head sporting an Adidas tread pattern and the shock of meeting Batman, he stayed on task.

Still recording, he reverted to is personal “go to” maneuver. He stepped three paces off the road and melted into the forest. One doesn’t become an expert poacher by standing around like some doofus waiting for the game warden’s attention.

Watching (and recording) from his vantage point, he saw a lanky young man emerge from the store. He strode like he ate Harley-Davidsons for breakfast, crapped gold bars at noon, and bedded supermodels at night. At first Chigger sneered at such pretentiousness but the kid was soon joined by his pet bear.

His. Pet. Bear?!?

Chigger (as befitting a habitual hunter) had placed himself downwind. A breeze wafted by his nose. He registered that the bear was not just any bear. It was the nastiest, grossest, smelliest death beast west of the Mississippi. He gripped his shotgun tighter; just in case.

Another person followed and joined them. A younger kid. A nerd. Probably an overeducated pansy, escaped from the local university. Chigger ignored him; which wasn’t hard. He instinctively ignored all college students.

The confident one opened the door of his battered Subaru and barked an order. Chigger couldn’t hear it but he got the tone. Two squirrels zoomed out of the dark and hopped into his car. What kind of beastmaster was this?

There was a brief pause and then the unmistakable thump of subwoofers pounding out music which was surely bereft of banjos. (Chigger believed all music, from bluegrass to wedding marches, should have banjos.)

Immediately the car fired up and blasted onto the road. It was a reckless display Chigger could only admire. Bearman drove somewhere on the spectrum between While E. Coyote and a cruise missile.

It tells a lot about the scene that the last thing to draw his attention was a hulking, white, restored, 1959 Cadillac hearse, parked haphazardly, and sporting lit police lights. He barely had time to read the plate (ECTO1) before a klutzy idiot covered in green goo scampered from the building, jumped in the vehicle, and zoomed off. The aged car gave its all and (despite it’s tonnage) nearly equaled the departure speed of the Subaru. Where it lagged was in the matter of control. It sheered off the store’s mailbox on the way out. This was forgivable because he was pursued by another tactical meathead; a near duplicate of the recently encountered Batman.

Chigger was glad he’d hidden. This soldier was sporting a beatific smile and looked less crazed than Batman, but he was still equipped like a human tank. He also smelled exactly like the bear.

Chigger’s well trained hunter’s nose crinkled at the stench while his mind pondered the possibility of a soldier/bear crossbreeding experiment. It was a theory, but a bad one. It didn’t explained the robed sprinter from Foreign Placistan. Nor did it explain Batman, or a man who talked to squirrels. And what about the nerd? And how could anything explain a freshly slimed Ghostbuster?

What unholy deviancy had gone down at the convenience store?

Chigger kept recording as the man talked into his radio and sipped a Yahoo. Shortly, the helicopter returned and landed just long enough for the soldier to clamber aboard.

The helicopter lifted off and hovered briefly over the structure. He saw the soldier toss the Yahoo bottle down. He followed it with an ominous looking canister.

BOOM!

Extreme Greeters have a more or less unlimited munitions budget. Chigger didn’t know this but he did witness its pyrotechnic glory.

The explosion woke half the county. The pilot’s after action report dryly explained “the Area of Operation has been sterilized”. Chigger verified this himself. Inspecting the crater after the helicopter left, he found nothing but a disco CD in a tree (which he pocketed).

Thirty minutes later, the Rural Fire Department showed up and bravely saved the foundation. Chigger was long gone by then.

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A New Year’s Resolution You Can Keep

Congratulations! You’re not dead!

You know what that means? It means the New Year approaches and you’re still on the best side of the grass. For you, you lucky mammalian miracle, the cycle begins anew. Life (or at least the calendar) is reborn. In some way you are too.

Isn’t that wonderful? Time is the greatest wealth. You begin another orbit of the sun; laden with opportunity and hope. Likely, you’ll enter it with a buzz and spend the first day nursing a hangover. You rebel!

But beware! Be alert! Don’t go condition white! The future holds risks.

There will be more stupid.

Stupid cannot be defeated. Stupid is eternal and infinite. The best you can do is to hold it at bay. I’m rooting for ya’! I hope you keep the stupid at arm’s length. Despite a universe filled with joy and marvel, even for the richest, safest, healthiest human beings ever to walk the face of the earth, avoiding stupid seems to elude so many. They mainline stupid and caterwaul at things they dislike. They’ll go batshit until November turns the dial to eleven and then (regardless of the outcome) they’ll collectively take a dump in their own head. Most of my readers intend to steer clear of the stupid. Good for you!

Yep… 2020 draws nigh and we’ve all got a mandatory ticket for the three ring circus of stupid. For some folks, it’s main event. Hint: it’s not.

But don’t feel sad. I’m here to help. I’m offering an alternative to both stupid and its handmaiden; low quality bullshit. As much as I can, I avoid canned, pre-existing, non-nutritious bullshit that serves only to annoy. The bullshit that oozes out of media is low quality. It’s imported, artificial, and entirely unfulfilling. It’s on a subscription service and you’ve already been billed for it. You will receive your yearly allotment good and hard. Watch out for low quality bullshit: Facegram and Instatwitter, Karen from HR, MSNBC/CNN/QWERTY/WTF, and of course bleating politicians. They’re prepping for their favorite hobby; rehashing substandard bullshit. Deflect, avoid, and evade. Bob and weave! When they’re setting up the fan and squatting over it, bug out!

But life can’t be too serious. Like trace elements of vitamins and minerals, a little bullshit is good for you. I’m offering better bullshit. My bullshit is fresh, free range, organic bullshit. The good stuff. Distilled from the universe and carefully tended by a man who talks to trees. Grown in a mix of sarcasm and bourbon; fortified by bacon and fart jokes… it’s the best bullshit out there. My blog’s bullshit is carefully grown, harvested, and lovingly processed into the into the kind of top grade bullshit that provokes a good solid belly laugh (or perhaps an occasional “WTF was that about?”).

What do you have to do to receive this bullshit? Nothing. Not a damn thing. Check my blog from time to time and that’s it. I ask nothing but that you laugh.

You’re welcome.


“But it’s the New Year!” I hear you whine. “Everything has to be expensive and hard; and I need to make a New Year’s resolution that I won’t accomplish.”

Have no fear. If free bullshit is too easy, I offer you the best thing ever. A resolution at which you can succeed:

Resolve to donate to this blog; to pay for bullshit you’d otherwise get for free.

I humbly offer the opportunity to send me donations via Paypal or Patreon. I’m in the mainstream here. It’s easy and it’s popular. The whole concept is market tested and loved by millions. Our world is built for this. It goes like this:

“Like fresh air? Here’s a $200 set of hiking boots.”

You could walk with whatever is on your feet but where’s the capitalist feedback loop in that? Walking is lame. Hiking is awesome. A $200 pair of ‘Eco-striders” is better than whatever you already have… because you bought them!

You can easily pay me to write the bullshit I already plan on writing. I promise I’ll appreciate it! The links are here:

tipjar

Then, if you wish, flaunt it. You can tell everyone how awesome you are. Go ahead! You should and I support you.

“You know the clueless fool that strung together an offensive parable about squirrels and disco? I funded him!”

Or you can keep it to yourself. Whatever floats your boat.

“Stories about some sort of activist woodland mammals? No idea why that’s on my browser history. I only surf about work and football. It must be a mistake.”

Either way, you’ll have more fun with a donation than you will just buying stuff. I’m sure of that. I wouldn’t lie. Trust me, I’m an expert in bullshit.


If you’ve already donated or subscribed, thank you. I’ll be sending thank you e-mails as soon as I end my self-imposed digital blackout. My e-mail software is bitching at me so I know I’ve gotten an unknown number of donations. I’m telling the software to hold tight. I want to stay quasi-off line until I get a few more squirrels posts done. Best to stay focused (both on writing and family) for a few days.

Also, if you’re broke and can’t afford to donate. Don’t. I’ve been there and I get it. If you’re struggling, you don’t need more burdens and I’m not pressuring anyone. Your time will come. Do what you can, when you can do it, and in the meantime enjoy the free bullshit.

Happy New Year!

A.C.

 

Posted in Lesbian Squirrels, Miscellaneous Squirrels | 6 Comments