Adaptive Curmudgeon

So, society is still punching itself in the balls; and today’s a bigger disaster than yesterday? Ho hum. I tune out because nobody sane likes to roll about in mass tantrums. Rather than address the endless shitstorm of 2020, about which y’all have already formed your own opinions, here’s a catch all of shit that amuses me.

A vampire castle? Count me in! I want it now!

If I was anywhere near able to even think about things in this price range, I’d be crawling all over it. Talk about prime real estate!

More in keeping with my price range, a reader sent me the photo below. I doubt it’s locally available but I’m prowling liquor stores just in case. Here’s the link. (Note: I have no financial ties to this company whatsoever.)

Another reader sent this. Clearly I’m not the only one who’s recognized the squirrel threat. (Here’s the link, no mention of Swedish Disco.)

Sea-Monkeys! Ace of Spades started this particular trip down memory lane. The video is somewhat amusing but it takes itself a little too seriously. I’m pretty sure no child, no matter how clueless, actually thought they’d buy some sort of alien species complete with their own civilization out of a comic book.

Good grief; nobody believed it! Or am I underestimating the immense depth of stupid that really exists? Can any mammal manage to walk upright and still be that gullible?

Nope. With all due respect, I call bullshit on “dissapointed kids”. As a young rascal, I sent away for seamonkeys, and I’m telling you, any kid who can address an envelope without putting an eye out know they weren’t like the ad copy. I got my order, raised up some brine shrimp, and was perfectly happy. It just never occurred to me that the ad copy was true. I mean how fuckin’ stupid can ya’ get?

Also the video could lay off the social analysis of a loon who sold weird shit in comic books. The ads were loony, the guy was loony, the shit he sold was weird. You expect depth of reason from such a source?  It’s a comic book ad for nearly sentient alien creatures. Loons do shit like that and there’s no need to get your 2020s era panties in a bundle over it.

Also, it wasn’t a ripoff. I loved the little sea monkeys (or brine shrimp, or semi-sentient space aliens) that hatched. I don’t remember how long I had them but I remember it fondly and not with buyer’s remorse.

How Carob Traumatized a Generation. UGH! Carob was entirely disgusting and pretending it was chocolate is probably the dumbest thing anyone tried to do.

I hate the stuff! Once my mom made trail mix with dry dusty granola bits (not the yummy stuff they sell now but the grainlike crap hippies in the 1970’s inexplicably ingested). This was mixed with carob that was “just as good as chocolate but healthier”.

To top off that gastronomic disaster. I was given a can of Tab to wash it down. Is it any wonder I hate the 1970s?

There’s never been a more unnatural and disgusting mix than carob and Tab. Also, in what universe, was that kind of shit “health food”? Have you ever tasted Tab? It’s like sipping battery acid because cane sugar is unnatural. Which just adds to the disappointment of chewing down some dusty carob chips and what tasted like the floor sweepings in an oat mill. That taste is all you need to know. It’s simply obvious that you’re doing something wrong. Wrong I say! Folks might have fed that mess to me but I sure wouldn’t treat my innocent Sea-Monkeys like that! There ought to be limits! I’m just sayin’.

One last note: I dimly remembered that the TV ads had a serious hottie. Looks like that piece of solid gold marketing bullshit was planted solidly in my brain because… yowza!

[Editor’s note: There’s still something wrong with the comment software. I see ’em and approve them and they’re retained but not yet displayed. I’ll figure it out eventually but first I’ve got to go offline a few days while I go to a place for a purpose about which I’m not blogging. I think it’s fixed? Also, to the person who just sent me a donation… Thanks! I’ll send you a thank you e-mail as soon as a resurrect my e-mail software which is running about as well as the comment software. Most of this bad computer-fu is me being lazy. It’ll all work out.]

About a year ago a cat showed up. (Links: 1, 2, 3, and a guest appearance here.) It was young but sleek and healthy. We named him Tardo. He has a pleasant demeanor but is dumber than a sack of hammers. I assumed he wouldn’t last long; I don’t live in a safe suburb. Stupid things get dead quick when they live close to nature. To my surprise, the little dumbass has so far done OK.

I was thinking we officially “owned” a new cat. Then I insulted him by comparing him to Paul Krugman (another exceptionally stupid being). He ran away. Eventually I assumed the coyotes ate him.

He was gone for a good long while but one day, for no reason in particular, he showed up again! We all welcomed the pleasant imbecile. Maybe he’d stay around and be our cat. That lasted a few months with on and off periods of time when he vanished. Most of the time this meant he got stuck in the garage or (amazingly) got lost in the woodshed which has no doors(!). Have I mentioned this cat is dumber than dirt?

Then he vanished for another extended spell. I thought he was dead; either an eagle got him or he got his stupid ass locked in some farm’s machine shed and starved. Mrs. Curmudgeon thought he had a different set of “owners”. After this particular absence he came back skittish and wild. One can never know what is going on in his dense little head but it seems like he met with humans that weren’t particularly nice. That said, it’s just a theory. He’s not talking.

By then I gave up. I’m not sure if we’re his true “owners” or just a place to get pleasant attention and food. Whenever he’s around we make a big fuss over him and give him lots of attention, which he adores. We hope to coax him into staying around but who knows what happens? Maybe he’s got a side gig? Maybe we’re the side gig? Maybe he’s choosing to wander off exploring? Maybe he rambles a quarter mile and then just can’t find his way back? Maybe he wanders into other people’s garages (like he does mine) and winds up stuck there for days or weeks (like he does mine)? It’s entirely possible he leaves our place and when he gets back he doesn’t know he’s been there before. He’s not bright.

He is, however, friendly.

When I was watching Colin the caterpillar become Colin the butterfly, Tardo the likable dumb fool showed up. With any other cat I’d be worried about the helpless butterfly. “Nice bug you got there… it’d be a shame if something were to happen to it… give me tuna or the butterfly gets whacked.” I was on alert but I doubt Tardo even saw the butterfly. He did discover the magic of stealing some human’s comfy lawn chair. (All cats like taking the chair you were sitting in; lounging there as soon as you stand up as if to say “who me? I’m just picking a totally random place to lay.”)

So I took a couple photos of the cat I don’t actually own in the chair he just happened to occupy. Enjoy:

I swear to God this cat is so dumb he extended his claws and looked at me as if to say: “Did you know I had these things on my paw? I just found ’em!” (I’ve never seen the fool actually use cat skills and cat claws to do something useful… like catch a mouse.)

In this photo he’s attacking the lawnchair for no good reason. The lawnchair might very well outsmart him.

When folks send a comment I see it. I approve them virtually every time; usually within a day but sometimes it takes a couple days. Presumably I see all comments (I sure hope that’s true because if I’m only seeing some comments that’s a whole ‘nuther kettle of fish).

The live blog shows “n comments” in the footer but displays none. Go figure.

I’ve no idea what’s the issue but I’m looking for an answer. Also, I’m pretty sure I’ve read y’alls comments even if you can’t discuss amongst yourself.

In 2020 this is probably the least worrisome development we’ve experienced.

A.C.

P.S. I’m not sure if “amongst” is a word but I typed it anyway. ‘Cause that’s how I roll.

Lest we forget, the cycle of life continues unabated. Overly evolved monkeys that we are, we confuse our internal bullshit with literal reality. We’re prone to orbit the cult of politics. We roll like dogs in the serial panic it foments. When there is a chance to be stupid; we are a moth to flame.

It happens en masse from time to time. Periodically, societies lose their shit. This is one of those eras. Common sense, logic, stoic adherence to reason; these are in the rear view mirror. Karens shriek about masks as if the black death were ascendant. For some reason, in 2020 they are not told to shut up and tend to their cats as they should. Unserious wingnuts tear at the fabric of civilization and we chose not to give them the dope slap they need. Political cultists have left the shadows and openly search for Jews in the attic. They edge ever closer to kristallnacht, and we (for reasons I can’t quite articulate) simply allow them to drive society into the ditch.

Meanwhile real life continues. It properly ignores our self inflicted inner turmoil. The sun rises as always, the earth rotates, life on its surface continues. All this is as if we are nothing; which is for the most part correct. This truth points to a door in the cage of stupidity which we’ve built around our tantrums of inadequacy.

“There is reality and there is our inner mental space. Recently, many us have been stricken by the inability to separate the two. Until we learn better, this failing will continue to cause pain.”

So how do you unplug from the matrix and marvel at the beauty of all creation? That’s up to you. For me it meant watching a bug in a jar.

A couple years ago I scooped up a monarch caterpillar and stuffed it in a jar. It munched away on milkweed, formed a chrysalis, exploded into a beautiful butterfly, and flew away. It did this during a time when I’d been ill, attending funerals, and watching my dog age.

That little critter had a name, because I named him. Sebastian. (Links: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

This year has not been a time of solace. I’ve lived through a post-Christmas impeachment, the far more important death of my dog, through “flatten the curve”, to… to whatever the hell you’d call right now. (Is this the twentieth week of our six week “flattening of the curve”?) I feel the far off madness of crowds intruding on my peaceful rural redoubt. So I found another caterpillar and watched it become a Monarch butterfly.

Sounds trite doesn’t it? But what better thing are most of us doing? Fretting over political riots, mask shenanigans, Facebook posturing? A virus as a new form of demonic possession? Is that it? Abandonment of reason due to a 99.96% survivable risk in a modern wealthy industrial society of unlimited wealth? Compared to losing one’s shit over an impending election and using glorified bandannas as medical devices, is a caterpillar in a jar somehow less worthy? Which is most connected to the outstretched arms of God?

Regardless of my overwrought poetics, and perhaps just because pretty things are pretty, I invite you to meet Colin. Colin was a caterpillar that had a transformative moment, became an entirely new being, and gained the power of flight. He did it from an old plastic cheeseball container perched on my kitchen table.

I gave him a little coffee stirrer to grasp, hustled him outside to dry in the sun, and then watched as he first perched on a thistle (proof that I’ve been remiss in trimming the lawn), and then my hand.

Then he was gone. It was the most perfect use of my time. All we have is time. If things are getting you down, find your caterpillar.

A.C.

Two weeks ago I posted the last of chapter six of from Attack of the Lesbian Activist Squirrels. It’s a lot of work to write such a thing and I’m prone to delay. But I want people to laugh (and I want laugh myself) so I keep at it. Maybe I make people laugh, maybe I fall short, but by God I tried and that’s the point.

The need for laughter seems stronger right now; like a hunger. The feeling of humorlessness has grown in 2020. It seems like witch hunters and HOA harpies are ascendant. There’s always plenty of stupid to go around but usually people are reasonably sane. In certain eras too many people get too deep. When they can’t get back to solid ground they become a herd of stupid angry scared beasts; you never know what they’ll do.

I don’t like that! I don’t want a bunch of lunatics going French Revolution in my vicinity. Nobody does. Yet we’re cursed to live through a time of madness. In in 2016 the generalized background level of stupid, which had been growing for decades, coalesced into madness. Witnessing it, I started thinking about words like “cognitive dissonance” and “cult”. There was nothing I could do to calm the situation. Nothing anyone could do. The thing with addiction is that only the addict can pull out of the spiral. You can offer a hand up but you cannot battle the demons that are the addict’s to bear.

In 2020 things have gone further than I thought they could go. There’s a haze of pure, high quality, concentrated, refined bullshit in the air and it’s too much for anyone. A not inconsiderable portion of our society is being driven flat out stark raving mad. Even the most well centered of us feel the heat.

I’m not talking about this party or that party or which of two dickheads you should vote for; I’m talking about how the citizens of my nation are losing the dignity of walking down the street in peace. So many folks are terrified of things in their own head that they’ve herded up and become legitimate impediments to the rest of us. A word spoken in jest, an inopportune encounter, a mask or not a mask, no matter how benign or sane you are… there’s someone looking to go off about it like a child who needs a nap. They’re sufficiently insane and sufficiently wound up and sufficiently numerous to impact our lives.

Back to posting my little story: I made a point of putting as little 2020 bullshit into the story as possible. Why? To lighten the load. It’s satire. It’s meant for a light heart. It won’t fix the world but who doesn’t like a good laugh? But then I was done. Completely burned out.

I’m not immune to 2020 anymore than anyone else. After those 19+ posts I disengaged from the internet like I would back away from a coiled snake. I did it for my own good. The internet is mostly imagination and it’s currently awash with people’s night terrors. Who needs that?

I went sailing. I enjoyed the night sky. (Did you see comet Neowise? What better thing were you doing that you couldn’t enjoy a comet that won’t be back for 6,800 years?) I had “adventures”. I played gin and Cataan. I drank beer. I read a book. I lived in the real and of the now.

I stayed far far far from the imaginary and ignored any debate about anything.

The other thing I did was to deliberately interact with people. I generally avoid people but I needed to check; was everyone nuts or only a few? I’ve good news to report. Beneath the masks and the worried eyes and the wonder if the kids are going to school or some fucknuts will find a flimsy excuse to burn down Baltimore… deep down… people are mostly OK. Most of them know this will pass.

They’re right. This is just bullshit. It has arrived unwanted. It will leave unmissed.

Which brings me to today. I’ve been more or less off grid for 2 weeks. I came back for two reasons.

1. To apologize to folks who’d made donations during my Squirrels stories. Some of you haven’t yet gotten a personal acknowledgement and that means I’m being impolite. Please forgive my bad manners, I was so keyed up to do my “walkabout” I just didn’t send out proper “thank you” before I went. Please know, every bit was deeply appreciated and it helped finance various fun things during my “walkabout”.
2. To remind folks that shit ‘aint that bad. Damn near everything driving folks to freak out is crap from the media injected straight into their head. The call is coming from inside the house!

In light of #2 I thought I’d post some pleasant things the press isn’t telling you. Everyone needs good news and, unlike the media, I don’t get off on making people miserable:

The Black Death Isn’t Happening: “According to the CDC’s weekly update on Friday, the number of people in the hospital with laboratory-confirmed cases was lower than it has been since the beginning of the lockdown…” [Emphasis added by your’s truly] (The CDC information is dense and annoying so click here for the referencing article which I’m afraid has a bit of a rant incorporated. If you’re a nerd you can wade through the CDC link. You’ll find good news in there that even the CDC can’t slice and dice and subset and obfuscate until it’s gone. My point here is many of us set out to “flatten the curve” and we did exactly that. Things will continue to get better and they may get worse at times but that big horrible peak… we’ve made it through.)

Boat Parades Are Happening: “They needed 1,181 to break the record which is officially from Malaysia in 2014 although a “Trumptilla” boat event in South Carolina in July had over 3000 vessels.” I feel bad interjecting politics because what I really want to emphasize is “boat parade”. I don’t care if it’s “pro-Trump” or “Kumquat Awareness Week” there’s noting quite so joyous and sweet as the idea of a boat parade. Think of the human spark and initiative on exhibit here. A world full of bitchy Karens make every fucking inch of everywhere a pain in the ass… so people fire up everything from a jet ski to a trawler and have a boat parade. Such a beautiful idea. You can’t crush people so long as they still have the means and heart to make a parade on water.

The Economy Seems Intent On Recovery: “The S&P 500 closed at a record high on Tuesday, rebounding from huge losses triggered by the coronavirus pandemic and crowning one of the most dramatic recoveries in the index’s history.” That’s right, the Standard and Poor 500 index cleared a record and totally recovered from contagion excess. It happened this Tuesday. Did you know that? Why isn’t everyone stoked?

United Arab Emirates and Israel Are Slightly Less Likely To Get Into A War: “Israel and the United Arab Emirates reached a landmark accord sealed by President Trump on Thursday that could presage a broader realignment in the region as the two agreed to “full normalization of relations”…” I’m not naive. I know this is the Middle East and there’s probably not going to be a international group hug coming out of that mess anytime soon. Regardless, only an asshole or a terrorist would say it’s a bad thing for two countries to start trying to formally get along. It happened just last week. I haven’t heard much press about it, but it’s good news.

Americans Are Back In The Space Business: “It was the first water landing by returning astronauts since the final flight of an Apollo capsule in 1975 and the first landing of a U.S. spacecraft carrying astronauts home from orbit since the shuttle program’s final flight in 2011.” I remember the elation of watching the first Space Shuttle launch in 1981. I remember the long slow bureaucratic failure as NASA crawled up its own risk averse ass until 2011 when America’s heart gave out and NASA stopped launching humans into space. In a world that feels stressed out and prone to medieval superstition, I like to see humans explore. Thank God space is no longer within NASA’s straitjacket.