Road To Portland: Part 27: Free Beer

Resting in the passenger seat of the Subaru, Doogie was grinding his teeth while reading half of a newspaper. Billy had the other half and was grunting angrily at his section. The squirrels were asleep on the dash. The bear was in back; snoring lightly and occasionally farting.

The two kindred spirits dearly missed internet news. It was only an abundance of caution that forced them to read a newspaper. No point in giving the NSA extra chances to detect them. Even so… the articles were so foolish that both were suffering mental indigestion.

Doogie harrumphed (which is a strange sound coming out of a teenager). News, if you could call it that, printed on paper. He might as well be living in a cave. Furthermore, the articles were not so much incorrect as disassociated with reality. It was as if the articles postulated that BREXIT was a kind of snack food and 2+2 = blue.

“Hey Billy, do people actually believe this stuff?”

“I guess. People are pretty dense.”

“But I just read this article in the financials… and well… it’s just so…” Doogie was running out of words.

“It’s the New York Times. You probably just read some crap from that nitwit Krugman…” Billy paused, suddenly worried about what Paul Krugman’s illogic was doing to his friend. Doogie was ill-suited to the sledge hammer of Krugman’s stupidity. He reached over and snatched the paper out of Doogie’s hand. “Good grief, don’t read that, you’ll get stupid all over you! Here’s the domestic section.”

Doogie was pale from pondering Krugman’s latest article. It seemed to imply that inflation tasted great when spread on toast.

Doogie shuddered and started flipping through the domestic section. Then he broke out into a broad grin. He began to read aloud. His voice woke the animals who listened intently:

“Super Scary Right Wing Terrorist Ring Busted Due To The Awesomeness Of Domestic Spying. Detroit: Unidentified sources that you should totally trust inform us a terrifying plot by a right-wing terrorist death squad called ‘Deplorables In A Basket’ was narrowly averted yesterday. Domestic monitoring by brave patriots who may or may not work for the NSA isolated information that dirty rotten no good flyover country hicks were behind this very real threat to humanity itself. The CIA obtained this information with proper warrants. When asked for further details, the FBI admitted that they can’t show us the warrant right now because their dog ate it. Also, it’s classified and it’s unpatriotic to ask questions.

The credible evidence was provided to a joint task force composed of the Marines, Michigan State Police, Homeland Security, the BATF, the National Park Service, the Treasury Department, the TSA, Border Patrol, the US Postal Service, and the Boy Scouts. These combined forces of freedom raided a ‘party’ at an undisclosed location in suburban Detroit. Only after weeks of careful surveillance did the authorities make their move. Due to the excellentness of their planning, every alleged terrorist was captured.

In an unfortunate incident, 782 shots were accidentally fired at a nearby Chevy Volt that was mistakenly thought to harbor terrorists. Lucky, all 796 shots, fired from semi-automatic assault style police shotgun revolvers, missed the driver; who subsequently shit herself and decided to move to Japan. During the lightning fast siege, which took five hours, six dogs and a giraffe were killed because they were guard animals which refused to comply.

One law enforcement officer suffered a sprained wrist. He is expected to fully recover after six weeks paid recuperative leave. If you don’t think he’s a hero you’re literally Hitler.

The plot, like all terrorist plots, is completely the fault of Republicans who hate everything good and decent. Did we mention that this was a right-wing terrorist plot? Like all terrorist plots? Good! Because it was completely right wing.

At the scene of the arrest, authorities found all of the components to build an ANFO explosive sufficient to vaporize Manhattan. Chief Fire Marshal Bill, who was at the scene, was quoted as saying ‘we found 53 barrels of diesel and no ammonia nitrate, so of course we have everything necessary to create an improvised ammonia nitrate fuel oil explosive sufficient to devastate much of New England.’ This is similar to the methods used in the Oklahoma City bombing of 1995 which also was caused by Republicans.

The terrorists, who were right wingers that sympathize with Republicans, were hosting a ‘kegger’. ‘Keggers’ are often used as a fundraising method by terrorists, who are usually right wingers, though ‘keggers’ are occasionally used as a ‘satanic rite’ or locally ‘when the Detroit Lions win’. The terrorists, who are allegedly guilty as sin, had tapped 197 kegs of Molson and were selling beer for $5 per red cup. (See editorial section where Paul Krugman explains the relationship between blue collar and therefore dangerous males in flyover country and their chosen drinking method with is the ‘red state cup’.)

The 198 kegs of Coors and the 58 barrels of ANFO explosive were found in a Ryder rental truck just like the Oklahoma City bombing which was perpetrated by Charles Manson, who probably would vote against school lunch programs. Fortunately, law enforcement was able to cordon off the area and arrest all involved. For safety reasons, the truck, which was rented from Enterprise, was destroyed in a controlled demolition.

Congress immediately convened and Senator Grandstand of a state nobody cares about submitted the “Make It Illegal To Blow Up Detroit Act of 2017”. The bill has 209 sponsors and anyone who opposes it probably sets kittens on fire. However, the bill has spawned some controversy with civil libertarians (who are jerks). They point out that it’s already illegal to blow up Detroit. ‘We’ve got to make a statement that blowing up Detroit is not who we are’ claimed an irrelevant Senator on C-Span. Thirty-six riders have been added to the bill; which is expected to pass. These include iPads for Sudanese refugees, midnight rollerskating for at risk youth in Pasadena, and a green energy farm subsidy for Kumquat farmers in Kansas.

‘It just goes to show,’ said an unnamed source who is super-duper trustworthy and looks a lot like Dan Rather, ‘that if you have nothing to hide, you don’t have to worry when we spy on your cell phone.’”

There was a pause as everyone digested this information.

“Well”, Doogie smiled, “clearly the NSA was listening and obfuscating the trail of evidence was worthwhile.”

Decades later, in his old age, Doogie would frame that very article and hang it in his gorgeous and extensive library. He would consider it the decorative high point of his home décor and give it a place of honor next to his life-sized Paul Krugman dartboard.

If you think I’m giving the New York Times too much credit for journalistic integrity , feel free to click below.


About AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Adaptive Curmudgeon is handsome, brave, and wise.
This entry was posted in Chapter 3 - Road To Portland, Lesbian Squirrels, Sagas. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Road To Portland: Part 27: Free Beer

  1. Phil B says:

    I’d be careful of allowing squirrels in the car,they can be trained to be dangerous assassin types .. though you knew that already:

    Start to worry when they nibble your nuts!

  2. Mark Matis says:

    It’s good to see that you are now getting closer to reality with your descriptions of this country’s “finest”.

    But I must not be sufficiently intelligent to understand how they were able to rent a Ryder truck from Enterprise. Is that a peculiarity of the Great White North???

  3. Doctor Mingo says:

    Everyday is a good day when you can beat up on Paul Krugman.

    Also, the NYT could probably boost readership if they set up a contest, “Find the inaccuracies and win a prize!”

  4. You’ve fucking outdone yourself on this one. Tip is incoming. 🙂

  5. Heath J says:


Leave a Reply