Road To Portland: Part 18: Chasing FedEx

Doogie and Billy, in a car laden with a skinny but rebounding bear and two exuberant squirrels, spent the next two days charging all over two states; chasing FedEx trucks. Doogie, who could drill through metadata like a champ, knew who was where and when. He’d ordered FedEx to drop packages (without signature) at multiple isolated rural locations; choosing houses occupied by unattended senile geezers and cat ladies who were visiting relatives (probably unfortunate relatives) in distant cities.

Shortly after each delivery, a muddy Subaru would stop for a split second a half mile away. A bear would leap from its rear door, charge through the forest, retrieve the package, and meet the Subaru at some other point.

The bear negotiated rugged terrain as only a wild animal can. Billy navigated and drove as only a libertarian desperado pizza delivery man could. Combined, they were a force to be reckoned with. Of literally dozens of packages, all but three were retrieved without a single person knowing the package (which they had no reason to expect) had arrived. It was a lightning fast type of operation and Billy had no time to assess the growing pile of packages in his trunk. He assumed it was all diabolically selected, incriminating, and weird. He hoped Doogie knew what he was doing.

Billy and the bear, choosing secrecy over retrieving objects, had lost three FedEx deliveries to homeowners that weren’t absent as planned. Total losses were two unlocked iPhones, a combined package of dogfood/sunflower seeds/freeze dried spaghetti, and a boxed set of Abba.

The first two disappeared down the memory hole. The third, noticed by Edna Kampsett, a retired elementary school English teacher, competitive knitter, and self-described grammar Nazi led to bloodshed… but Billy and Doogie never knew this. Three lost packages were acceptable losses and that was all they knew.

If you think the combined skill sets of a libertarian pizza delivery man and a racist bear is a tactical win, feel free to click below:


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Adaptive Curmudgeon is handsome, brave, and wise.
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