Adaptive Curmudgeon

I’d been having fun but I’d been soaked in sweat literally all day. By sunset I’d had enough heat and bugs. I got back to camp with plenty of time but didn’t feel like cooking in a cloud of mosquitoes.

I think a screen tent is in my future.

A second camper had showed up. That meant there were a total of three campsites occupied. I was the only tent. Everyone was hiding from the bugs insider their RV trailers. I really need a screen tent.

In desperation, I unhitched my truck and took off. I set the AC to refrigerate and that improved my attitude. I drove a considerable distance and wound up eating a fine burger at a VFW in some small town. I spent more on the diesel to get there than the burger. The venue was hosting a wedding. No matter how bad things may seem, there are still weddings. Good to see it.

I wanted an ice cream for desert. Before leaving civilization, I pulled into a McDonalds. The place was in full meltdown. The drive through was blocked up for dozens of cars. I parked and discovered a long line inside too. There had been a car race somewhere because battered trucks with trailers that had even more battered race cars strapped down were everywhere. I waited patiently as the staff, which was inadequate, tried bravely to keep up. It was pandemonium. They were giving it a good try but they completely failed.

When someone ordered ice cream they said both ice cream and the shake machine were down. The place was so chaotic I’m surprised they managed to make fries. The people trying to operate the place were in hell. The thing about McDonalds is that a lot of things need to work in order for it to function. The power grid has to be up, there’s got to be enough domestic tranquility that the place isn’t robbed, food delivery trucks have to arrive, the staff has to show up and be wearing pants, etc… Never take for granted the miraculous society that can hand you a Big Mac in two minutes.

The shake machine is the first to go. It’s the indicator species of the fast food world. Its loss is the first sign of a deeper disaster. I walked out and felt I was doing them a favor. I’d reduced their huge throng of customers by one. They were doomed but I wish them well.

Back at camp it rained on and off. This was awesome because the temperature dropped closer to something tolerable. (I’d put on the tent’s rain fly that morning so the tent was fine.) Unfortunately, the mosquitoes were not dissuaded. At each break in the light rain they’d swarm. A breeze would have helped, but it was dead calm; humid to the point of a fine mist, hot, and buggy. I really need a screen tent. I thought about just sitting in my truck running the ac but that seemed dumb.

I wound up sitting in my lawnchair, inside my tent, reading. This wasn’t a bad way to relax. I had a battery operated lamp hanging from the tent ceiling. It’s got a mosquito zapper that isn’t magic but it definitely helps. String cheese was my alternative to the milkshake I couldn’t buy. It kept me happy. At times there would be a pleasant breeze through the screen windows. I also had a tiny battery operated fan. Combining a bunch of half assed solutions had reasonable comfort. I slept very well that night.

A solid wall of mosquitoes formed on the outside of the screen. They were more numerous than usual. I’d have preferred to be hassled by bears… or a velociraptor.

(To be continued.)

The next morning dawned warm, humid, and overcast. I wanted to sleep late but my tent turned into a sauna. Eventually I had the presence of mind to get up and about but I was pretty groggy. (It was slightly cooler outside.)

Breakfast was bacon and eggs (from my homestead) with a diced tomato from the happy grocery store. Delicious. Plus coffee! Never forget the coffee.

For this trip I’d bought a few little treats for myself; cheap waterproof containers for salt and pepper and a folding spatula. We all need a little present for ourselves once in a while.

I prepped the bike and lubed the living shit out of the chain. I’m always afraid I’ll neglect the chain. I don’t yet have parts and tools prepared in case I kill the chain on the trail! This worries me and it’s on my to-do list. (Every point of failure I haven’t yet addressed is something I hope to eventually mitigate.)

The plan for the day was to have no plan. I accomplished my goals!

I rode here and there. It was delightfully aimless. I met a group (herd?) of four UTVs and one ATV in convoy. I didn’t know at the time but they were the only people I would see the whole trip (aside from my neighbor).

About ten miles out of camp I encountered a tree fallen across the road. I stepped off the bike to assess the situation but the mosquitoes were too persistent. I could have gotten past the tree and I was sort of interested in the challenge but I couldn’t think with all the buzzing! It was a dead end road anyway. I shrugged and turned around. I’ll always wonder what was just past the tree. Probably more of the same but who knows?

A little bit further I saw a black bear cub. It was a healthy looking little critter. Very cute. I shut down the engine and watched. He stared at me. I stared at him. Mosquitoes bit us both.

Mom bear showed up, took one look at me, and noped out of there. You can always tell the difference between bears which have been hunted and “trash can bears”. These bears were as wild as any other animal. Good for them.

I rode on. A patch of the road was flooded. It wasn’t deep, less than a foot. There was a wheel rut on the left and one on the right. Theoretically the water would be shallowest in the middle? I rode through like a boss. This “center-line approach” only works if the road material is amenable. If you’re trying to ride high on a thin muddy ridge it’s easy to slip off. That leads to an uncontrolled moment (for a novice like me) where you wonder if you’re going to still be upright when the tires inevitably slide into the wheel rut. This road was pretty stout so I barely got my feet wet.

Later I bumped into “Mystery Road”. Mystery Road (not it’s true name) speaks to me. There’s a big chunk of nothing. It’s bisected by a road. I want to travel that road!

Satellite imagery shows the road to be large and well maintained. I’d considered running my Dodge up that road. The only reason I hadn’t is that it’s a long road going though the most nothing of nothing… remoteness in that kind of quantity has it’s own special quality. It makes sense to fully investigate before I put a behemoth on that path.

An old wooden sign said “Dogtown” was only 40 miles away. Dogtown is the other side. I’ve been to Dogtown. Perfect! An unexplored 40 miles of easy flat well maintained dirt with a bar and electricity and pavement on the other side! I wasn’t planning an 80 mile round trip but why the heck not? I might even get a cheeseburger in the middle of my trip!

Mystery Road goes through serious nowhere and I wanted to see the nowhere. I roared out with a smile on my face!

A mile later I saw a sign that said “gate closed”. There was a little flipping wood thing so it could say open/closed as they saw fit. Who’s they? No idea. What gate? No idea.

Five miles later I found the locked gate. Why was it locked? No idea. Is it always locked? No idea. Could I get around it on my bike? Easily. But then what?

I turned around. I’ll have to make some calls and find out if it’s closed for a reason of logistics “road washed out at mile marker 32” or some sort of regulation “closed during migration season of the rare and endangered North American slime-assed snail”. Further investigation is merited.

I’m glad I wasn’t trying to make the passage in the Dodge. I’d have had to back up at least a mile before there was space to turn around. Honey Badger can do a U-turn in a few feet so I zipped around and was back in business.

Update: I made some calls and found out the road was washed out this spring. It’s likely to be fixed around fall. (In general any road that’s still closed during big game season pisses people off.) The guy I talked to seemed like a genuine human being. He didn’t make a washed out road sound like the end of humanity. Refreshing in a government employee. The road was blocked mostly because they didn’t want someone getting in there with a huge RV and creating issues or getting themselves in trouble. Having to back an RV ten miles will mess up anyone. Rather than communicate all that with a poster or whatever, they just chained the road shut. It’s all very reasonable.)

On this trip I’d packed some new camping technology; dehydrated wipes (a.k.a. toilet paper, a.k.a. shit tickets). They’re pellets the size of a throat lozenge (bad analogy but I’ll leave it there… think of Menthos?). I can carry a dozen in a tube about twice the length and slightly larger diameter than AA batteries. They expand to the size of a decent washcloth. You can see how that would be handy!

I’m a cautious guy and also had regular t-paper just in case. Dehydrated is a strange phrase for wipes but they definitely only pop open if they get wet. I got them insufficiently wet and so they only expanded partly. Thus, they worked but not excellently. I’m still evaluating this technical marvel. I’ll report back when I know more.

I also forgot my folding shovel. Whoops. Meanwhile, every mosquito in the county took a tax in blood from me.

(To be continued.)

I’ve been camping repeatedly at generic park. This is lame and costs money. No regrets though. It worked to get the ball rolling. Reservations were convenient and the location was a known thing. I got me back into the groove of more camping. That’s good. Had the groove become a rut? I decided it’s time to return to my roots of “free” camping.

I had a place in mind. It has nothing but a few fire rings, a hand pump well, and an outhouse. No services. No reservations. No cost. No bullshit.

The problem was I’d only been there on Honey Badger. I’d “discovered” the place by gradually extending my explorations. To get there I’d zipped across hell itself without really noticing. Honey Badger can lead you astray. It goes wherever it fuckin’ wants. If you don’t think about it you might follow the same path with a normal car. The bike’s nimble feet will easily swish past stuff that will eat a brake line.

Judging from the map, road access should be fine. It’s just that I had not personally verified this. To lumber my Dodge (with Honey Badger on the trailer!) to the target location I entered a forest/wilderness-ish area from a different direction. This kept me on pavement a little longer but also had me traversing roads I’d never personally seen. (There was a third option on “Mystery Road” but I’ll mention that later.)

Everything worked out fine. The Dodge is not a pavement queen. I did need 4×4 but that’s why I have 4×4. I covered about 40 miles on road that was just the right level of “interesting”. I officially declared it “fine for this equipment (the Dodge), but very close to being not-fine”. Later on, from the camp itself, I figured out a different egress route. Instead of narrow twisty dirt I left via a big fat dirt road that’s probably maintained for heavy log trucks. Never stop scouting your terrain!

I pulled into camp a few hours before sunset. There was one camper there; a hard sided pop-up. (Filthie, is that you?) I felt bad ruining the guy’s solo location. Then again it wasn’t like I crowded him. It was just the two of us spread over a dozen or so acres.

It took me a bit to snake the truck into a likely spot. Informal camping is… ready for this… informal. I didn’t so much have a road to follow as there was grass and more or less cleared space between tree stumps and scattered tall pines (Looks like they had a blowdown several years ago.) So I drove off road until I saw a spot that was the best combination of flat enough to erect a tent and mostly shaded. I’d brought a folding workbench but there was a decrepit picnic table nearby. Nice!

I set to work popping up my tent but my “neighbor” showed up. The first rule of civilization is to always offer a cold beer if you’ve got one. He accepted and we sat around bullshitting for a while. I liked his hard sided pop up. His wife was there too he said. I never saw her leave the camper.

The bugs kinda sucked and soon my neighbor split. I planned on starting a fire with my flint and steel but while filling my campstove I spilled some white gas. Nobody sucks so bad they can’t start a fire under those conditions so I didn’t learn much.

I deployed two Thermacells and wore bug treated clothes… which helped a little. Dinner was a jalapeno cheese bratwurst cut up and cooked in an iron frying pan with a small can of beans. (I now have 3 other cans in my “bug out” box.)

Dinner was delicious but I didn’t get to relax as long as I’d like. Two more beers and a thousand mosquito bites later I retreated for my tent.

It was hot so I’d left the tent’s rain tarp off. It slowly cooled and I drifted off while watching the night sky.

(To be continued.)

I’m perpetually trying new things while camping. I’d gotten into a groove of eating Mountain House freeze dried food when I’d been canoeing into the Canadian outback. Now that I’m “backpacking by Dodge” weight savings are irrelevant. The freeze dried “groove” might be a “rut”? So I ignored my MREs and freeze dried wonderpacks. I stopped at a grocery store for basic human food.

I’ve always loved grocery stores. Don’t get me wrong, I hate shopping. It’s just that grocery stores are miracles of capitalist plenty. Even as a kid I was astounded buy the wonder and glory of any decent American grocery store. Colorful fruits and fresh veggies and miles of stocked shelves! I never took such wealth and abundance for granted. Now, as things fade, others are seeing what they’d never noticed.

Grocery stores decline along with everything else. I braced myself. There would be shortages. Nothing makes me feel sadder than empty shelves. I see the leering skeletal face of a far distant future death. I lived most of my life without empty shelves. I expected capitalist bounty to last the rest of my life. I was incorrect. The post-Covid Bidenverse of inevitable deliberate self-inflicted collapse is a much attenuated signal (we are not the much battered Soviets of 1980) but “I could never happen here” is no longer a true statement. I would see an empty shelf or two or ten and that would bum me out. I tromped into the store with head hung low.

What a shock! The place was fully stocked; just like the “before times”! I picked from among a dozen varieties of tomato. I grabbed exactly the canned goods I wanted. How silly I’d been. Despair is a sin. All is not lost, all is never lost.

I planned to cook beans and bratwurst. Full sized bean cans are too big for my little iron frying pan. Amid two dozen kinds of beans I found small cans with pop tops. Awesome!

After I checked out I realized I’d paid $1.33 for small cans when a big can was $0.99. Dumb! Also I didn’t find any Jiffy Pop popcorn. Jiffy Pop popcorn is pre-packed in a disposable tinfoil frying pan specifically designed to be cooked over an open fire. They’re silly but taste delicious. Harmless fun that reminds me of my youth.

I have a little plastic box full of “camping” canned goods. I take the box on every trip now. My idea is to have the box stocked with MORE than I’ll ever need. Should I go on a trip on short notice, there will be enough in there even if I don’t do any planning at all. At camp I’ll root around in the box and always find something to eat. I planned to stash a couple Jiffy Pops in the box. Maybe next time.

My box of food is more like a bug out box than an “I’m going camping on a normal weekend” box. Why not? In times of inflation it’s never a bad idea to buy canned food.

I paid at the robot checkout. They used to be buggy, but now they work flawlessly. Remember when people were bitching about “mandatory living wage” for entry level jobs? I think that was towards the end of the Obama regime. The checkout robot never calls in sick or goes on a woke political fit. It shaved the bottom off the workforce. Inflation did the rest. I don’t know if the $15 minimum wage law was passed in this or that State. I just know that nobody mentions it anymore. Robots and math; they fix a lot of things without even getting noticed.

(To be continued.)

Have you sniffed the air? The winds have shifted. Fools ran rampant; but their time was short. In but a few years they demonstrated their totality of incompetence. When society was under their sway, it reeked of cattle cars and smoldering cities. This summer, everyone knows the emperor has no clothes. What was once crimethink is mumbled quietly in the general public. We joke about conspiracies and spoiler alerts. One can ponder the origin of the Wuhan virus, the source of inflation, the rule of law, or the efficacy of masks without being pushed off a cliff. Meanwhile, they still care who owns Twitter.

Parts of society turn to the work of course correction; not from wisdom or honor but simply because it has to be done. Monsters try to relight the soot at our feet but it’s not working. Not that they’re harmless! Oh no! They probe every avenue toward destruction. If they can’t fire on Fort Sumter they’ll shoot Archduke Franz Ferdinand! But society can only stampede so long.

The sane remnant was not eliminated. We’re still here.

A sizable portion that fell for the madness have slowly (even grudgingly) pulled out of the dive. We receive them. We say “welcome friend, we’re happy you’re with us”? We mean it.

Such is the change in the wind.

If you have these thoughts, congratulations! You’re thinking during a time of mass stupidity. Necessarily, you are or were distinct from the frantic masses. It’s not over. This is but the end of a bad first act. So take refuge where you can find it. Maintain your connection to nature.

Nature may kill you but it’s never dumb.

I had a handful of donations and a desire to stay rooted. What more motivation does one need? I would hang out with trees; they’re good company. They’ve got their shit together.

I spent a little extra time on Honey Badger before this trip. Honey Badger is my Yamaha TW200. Small, stout, crude, tough, simple. If a BMW adventure motorcycle took a shit, it would still have more payments and wiring than a TW200.

My bike was filthy; as it should be. My bike is for wandering the earth. Thus should be coated in it. The only filth I care about was on the chain.

(I hate chains on motorcycles. My other bike is shaft drive. Shaft drive is simply better. I won’t be dissuaded from that until I see a chain driven Honda Civic. Some caveats, if you’re wringing every last bit of power in a heroic effort to make physics your bitch… then a chain is slightly more efficient. Have at it! Crack the throttle until you see God. Not for me though, I’m out to smell the roses. Also, if you’re a Harley guy dying to tell me all about belts… don’t.

Chains need maintenance but they’re simple and obvious. My bike’s chain was coated in a sandpaper like patina of dirt. I pulled the chain guard, slathered it with chain cleaner and… oh you’re supposed to wait a bit for the cleaner to kick in? Screw that! I scrubbed it off more or less immediately and hosed it down. This did indeed wash the topsoil off. It looked shiny. Good enough.

Then I rolled the bike onto my well worn utility trailer, strapped it down, and took off. You know what I didn’t do? I didn’t lube the chain. You’re supposed to let the chain dry first. Let it bake on a trailer. I had places to go and things to do!

(To be continued.)

Spoiler alert… I went camping but got my ass handed to me on a silver platter!

The story of my latest motorcycle / camping trip will go live soon. I had fun but mosquitos took more of my blood than I’m willing to accept! What can I say? I’m tough… possibly even stupidly tough, but sometimes shit gets out of hand.

On an earlier campout I had things under control. (I also saw a Norse God.) Ticks were bad but I easily handled them with permethrin and grit. (Also swearing, I swore a lot. It’s totally reasonable to swear while pulling ticks off your leg or whatnot.) On that trip, mosquitoes were a hassle but it was manageable. I kept them in line with a few Thermacells.

This time I didn’t see a single tick but the mosquitoes went for the jugular. Mosquitoes 1, Curmudgeon 0.

When you do stuff, sometimes it sucks. That’s why many people sit on couches and few do stuff.

I’m an Adaptive Curmudgeon! I got my ass kicked but it’s really just an invitation to learn and improve. (Or level up your gear!) I pried open my wallet and ordered a screen tent. Isn’t it beautiful? It’s a Gazelle G5. (This is a file shot… mine hasn’t arrived yet.)

I’ll admit I feel like a wimp buying a screen tent. All I can say is you had to be there.

I’ve never used a screen tent in this way. My old solution was to avoid camping where the bugs hold sway. Wait for the first frost, stay out of stupid places, and/or stoically endure when that’s not enough. Lately I’ve felt the need to camp more often and right now. It’s probably because our weird world has me jumpy.

Impatience and a change of venue is why I met mosquitoes that went beyond “stoic test” and straight into “hellish nightmare”. Shit happens!

I’ll report on the new equipment after I get a chance to test it. Here are initial details: I bought a Gazelle because an earlier Gazelle purchase was superb build quality. My tent is a Gazelle T4. It’s been a brick shithouse of a tent! Among Gazelle offerings I picked G5 as a compromise between roomy but a PITA to setup and easy to carry but too small. I suspect I’ll be able to erect the G5 in a minute or two (I setup everything myself too). The G6 is a lot larger and hexagonal and I’m sure I could set it up solo without hassle, but it’s likely more than I need.. If I was camping with a couple people that’s what I’d buy. Also, it basically doubles the price and I’m trying to keep costs down. (If you’re starting from scratch, Gazelle even makes a tent that’s a duplicate of my beloved T4 with a screen tent sewed directly to it! It’s very cool! I’ve already got the tent that would be duplication. Also, I won’t need a screen tent every trip, just sometimes.)

In theory the smaller tent is enough. (An advantage of camping solo!) One lawn chair, one cooler, and (maybe) a cot is all I’ll plan to put in it. Clam makes a nice little (and more packable) squarish screen tent but I figured I’m carrying gear in a Dodge. There’s not much advantage to small & lightweight gear.

If the Gazelle screen shelter is half as good as my Gazelle tent, I’ll be well served. (Links go to Amazon.)

If you want to throw a buck or two toward my screen tent, I’d be a happy camper. If you don’t, that’s OK too. I’ll still do stupid shit and write silly stories. (But I ain’t going camping again until the screen tent is delivered!)

Donation links are below. No pressure though. If you’re broke, I get it.

I hope you enjoy my stories.

A.C.

I’d wandered into a sushi joint. The place had sushi (which is Japanese or possibly Californian) but was named “Shanghai something or other”. What the fuck? Isn’t Shanghai in China? Do they not have a map? The inability to differentiate between two ancient and long time competitors and enemies is how Americans got an international reputation for being morons. It was like walking into “Hockey palace” and instead of Canadians selling poutine finding an Italian guy making spaghetti.

The place was mostly empty. I sat at the bar and pondered the menu. I love sushi but vapor lock when choosing among odd combinations of whatever Japan traditionally scoops out of the ocean. It’s delicious but sounds gross. I still can’t quite grok why I love an ingredient called “eel sauce”. I do not want to know where eel sauce comes from! If you know, don’t tell me. Eels are gross! If they make sauce out of them I just can’t even imagine…

Yet I love sushi; even if I’d never wrap anything in seaweed of my own volition.

I ordered and the bartender keyed my order into a terminal. I downed the first beer like it was trying to escape. The second beer went pretty fast. It might have been hotter than I’d thought. I might have worked harder than I’d registered. He handed me the third beer but I set it at arms length. I had to pace myself!

The bartender laughed, “Hot out today?”

I smiled “Yep, please pour me an ice water before I get sloppy drunk.”

He was a good guy. It turns out he ran the place. He was obviously overworked. He started talking about his business. He’d almost gone broke but had been doing OK since the covid thing ended. Unfortunately, getting food shipped to East Bumfuck Nowhere was a constant challenge.

I was enjoying the conversation. I’m the kind of nerd that likes hearing details about supply chains that deliver octopus to middle America.

He’d shifted gears to personnel issues. Apparently, the one thing harder than sourcing exotic seafood was finding workers to be waitstaff. (He and I are not the only ones to witness this systemic development.)

I glanced at the sushi cook in the back. He looked like he might be a samurai. How does one hire a sushi cook from the land of the rising sun? Don’t tell me he advertised on Craigslist! What pay must you offer to lure someone from Tokyo to flyover country? The dude making sushi came from God knows where but there wasn’t a local college student to wait tables?

A dude came in and sat down. He was doing some sort of food delivery service. They’re all the same to me; Uber food, or just eats, or doordash, or whatever. The bartender / owner gave him a friendly nod. Neither one discussed food orders. I gathered the food order had been electronically transferred directly from the hungry consumer to the hard working sushi chef in the back. A system that seems pretty efficient to me.

This was another variable in the equation. Nobody wanted a job inside the restaurant but someone was willing to be a “sub-contractor” delivering from it. Is the role of waitress slowly evolving into cell phone software and a delivery guy? I’ve no opinion. I’m merely interested in the larger pattern.

This meant that the local pool of college students and residents too lazy to work as waitstaff were simultaneously rich enough to pay delivery fees. How the heck does any part of our economy actually work these days?

Then shit got weird. A robot went trundling by!

I had to ask. “You have a robot?”

“Yes!” The owner / bartender enthused. “I was afraid it would be a novelty but it’s really working out.”

Aside from the bar there were tables. Every table had tablets on which to place an order. The information went to the chef and the food was delivered by robot. The robot was a hit with customers. Soon I was listening to a discussion on the pros and cons of automated food delivery. Clearly the owner / bartender was smarter than the average bear!

As with all things automated, the robot handles grunt work like a champ. The downside was that it required the owner / bartender to take on additional “mindwork” duties. He was the robot maintenance guy. He said it wasn’t much; three hours a week or so. I mentally compared three hours charging batteries and cleaning wheels versus the hassle of hiring waitstaff that might flake out, screw up, or not exist at any price. Sounded like a good balance but it requires a secret ingredient. It depends on an owner / bartender clever enough to manage robot software AND do all of the other jobs.

Meanwhile we have delivery sub-contractors and robots in the same restaurant where there are no waitresses. All this depends on an owner who can both program robots and tend bar.

The interaction between jobs not done and automation is fascinating. I sense a mountain within the fog; a world that has already changed in ways we don’t quite fathom. Perhaps it’s neither good nor bad; it simply is. Waitresses were a job for millennia but nobody wants to do it in 2022. Pizza delivery is 50 years old or less. Covid made pizza delivery level up to “anything delivery”. Many consumers are more or less shut-ins. Apparently shut-ins still have money. How do the pieces of the puzzle fit?

If there was a legit self driving car, wouldn’t the car and table delivery robot merge? It could go either way. The Doordash guy could wind up broke. Or he could get rich. Right now he can drive one shitty car at a time. What if he could dispatch six self driving vehicles at once? What happened to the pre-covid experimental Amazon drones?

The hard working Samurai in the kitchen dispatched food on a self piloting electronic gadget for a rural American who wonders if his truck is becoming irreplaceable. Gas is $5. Container ships still float in the Pacific. I’d ordered fresh seafood delivered from God knows where. The beer was cold and the power grid is still up. What does it all mean?

The robot approached gently and beeped. Oh for fuck’s sake. Really?

“Did that robot just make sounds like R2D2?” I grumped.

“Yeah,” the owner / bartender chuckled “it needs to make a sound so people notice it. The sound people like is R2D2.”

I pushed my chair back to blocked its way. It burbled R2D2 robot gibberish at me and carefully piloted around the chair.

“A real robot mimics the sounds of a fictional robot from a movie in 1977?”

“Yep!”

“Doesn’t that seem weird to you?”

“No, why?”

“It’s a real robot. It can make any sound. Human voices, opera, heavy metal, it could have a Japanese accent, or meow like a kitten. Why make a real thing mimic a fake version of itself that never actually existed?”

“It’s what people want I guess.”

“Everyone here except us,” I waved around, “wasn’t alive in 1977. Shouldn’t it sound like Ultron, or Jarvis, or Alexa?”

“Speak for yourself, I wasn’t born in 1977.”

Great! Now I felt old AND disconcerted.

“Well if you ever program it to talk like HAL9000 give me a call. I’ll give it a big tip.” I chuckled and left it at that. I complimented the bartender / owner on the best sushi I’ve ever had and prepared to leave. Meanwhile, the robot wandered away and came back with paper bags for the Doordash guy. He patted the robot like a dog.

As I walked out the empty robot passed by. I stepped into it’s path. It stopped and beeped at me. “All your base are belong to us.” I snarked. Patiently, it routed around me and went back to work..

The hotel’s website said “ample truck parking”. They lied!

I pulled into a dead end parking lot and, for want of better options, blocked everything. The world would have to wait while I checked in. Don’t blame me, blame the marketing genius who lured my huge truck to this citified lot.

If you live in what I call “reality America” things are pretty normal. You can almost forget the other half crawled up its own ass and still hasn’t come back out. The hotel was a reminder; the nutters are still nuts. The dread of covid hung in the air like an unvented fart. Cities get off on impending doom. We’re all human. We have roughly equal physical resilience, but cities cling desperately to the idea that citizens (subjects?) are fragile hothouse flowers; one step from the fainting couch and two from the grave. The rest of us figured it out literally years ago. If covid was going to be the black death it would have done the job by now. Rural folks in every state quit cosplaying Armageddon and went back to our lives. The cities shot society in the head and now sit in corners praying for death.

The hotel front desk was “protected” by a frame of thin wood slats. To this, someone had stapled clear plastic film. This Kindergarten arts and crafts project was supposed to protect the brave frontlines worker. They might as well have glued macaroni to construction paper. Yet a virus prowls the other side of 4 mm vinyl like a lion behind bars; or so they pretend.

Behind the irrelevant film was a college student. I know this because no living being can be as pretentious and annoying as a college student. I’ll go out on a limb and say he was a graduate student and he majored in “you want fries with that”. He oozed “I’m better than you” with a side of “you’re different than me so in the name of diversity I reflexinvely hate you”. Universities train the ignorant to be snobbish while holding monkey’s job.

He passed me my keycard as if I were a dog that might bite. He didn’t actually hand it to me though, he slid it through a slit cut in the bottom of the film. I suppose this kept the double vaxxed effete twit within safe from the air breathing deplorable on the other side.

“Where’s the truck parking?” I asked.

He waved at the inadequate parking area. Syllables are too much like interacting with your equals. I nodded.

Back out in the parking lot I found an entirely different world. It was nearly sunset and a work crew had wheeled out a BBQ. They were grilling brats and standing around drinking beer. Several were playing a makeshift game of horseshoes (with non metallic throwing shoes). A few were lounging in lawnchairs. A radio played shitty three chord country pop. One guy, off to the side, was having an intense discussion with his cell phone.

I was so happy to see them. People who work in the real world were enjoying a well earned break. I’m a loner. I haven’t been on a work crew in years. I still remember the comradery and sometimes I miss it.

I hated to interrupt but I needed them to move a few of their pickups “Sorry fellas, the manbun in the saran-wrap told me to park here.”

They weren’t even remotely offended. Two pickups were moved in a flash. They had seen me pull in and knew it was inevitable. I laboriously backed my truck around a curve to get a better line. Then I rolled it forward at an angle to “parallel park” my truck and heavy trailer. In order to fit, I had to inch very close to a battered SUV. Seeing my problem, one of the men held up a hand. He trotted over to the man who was practically melded with his phone.

I could see the whole story playing out. The cell phone man had the exact look of a worker who’s out on the road earning money and has just been dumped by someone back home. It’s a tale as old as time. The fellow helping me gesticulated to the cell phone man who responded with an angry finger. Someone else just grabbed a jacket from a nearby fence and rifled through it for keys. Soon the cell phone guy’s vehicle was moved without the cell phone guy’s permission, cooperation, or awareness. Poor fella’ looked pretty wrung out.

I did a good job “parallel parking” 40’ of machine with all of 14 wheels on 4 axles. Good thing too because I’d have been fatally embarrassed to fuck up in front of the whole crew!

I shut down and climbed out. “Thanks guys.”

They’d gathered round the trailer examining what I was hauling.

“Is that an Edsel?” One of the younger guys asked.

“No, it’s a Studebaker.” I responded.

(Note: it wasn’t an Edsel or a Studebaker. Please accept these placeholders in lieu of OPSEC violating facts.)

“It sure looks like an Edsel.” He insisted.

SMACK! A hand shot out from the guy to his left and administered a friendly but firm dope slap. “If the man had an Edsel he’d fucking know it was an Edsel wouldn’t he?” His elder explained. Quite reasonable logic I’d say.

“Yeah, that’s right. Sorry.” The younger guy stammered.

I was pleased to see such fine mentoring. Common sense and a quick correction. Someday the youngster would be a well rounded and competent man. Well done!

We stood around shooting the shit for a while and I felt like one of the group. It feels nice to fit in! As we talked about the pros and cons of Edsels and Studebakers we got an earful of the cell phone man’s drama. Everyone agreed the sooner he was done with “that slut” the better. There was a consensus that him getting dumped was, whether he knew it or not, a blessing in disguise. The phrases “dodging a bullet” and “crazy bitch” were bandied about. I wonder if the younger guy was picking up on this. It’s surely one of life’s most important lessons.

I could have scammed a bratwurst from their BBQ but I wanted to sit in air conditioning. I wished them all well and hiked across the road to the only restaurant nearby.

It turned out the restaurant was quite interesting.

(To be continued.)