Cell Phone Thief
It’s a disconcerting thing to witness an arena filled with frenetic screaming masses pivot on a dime so many times. The crowd had careened from good natured support of Mindy’s athleticism, to revulsion at Mindy’s failure to honor Janice’s brave and beautiful example of social justice, to basking in glorious violence, to terror as Janice breached the octagon, to relief as each and every spectator individually thanked their creator that Janice hadn’t crushed them. Now, all was confusion. How can you have a fight if one of the gladiators freaks out and charges after other quarry? Make no mistake, Janice didn’t flee. He got so unhinged that he forgot to kill enemies in the proper order.
Mindy, still in the octagon, circled nervously. Nothing in her training had prepared her for what she’d just experienced. Instead of a sporting event with rules and logic, it had been… war. She was, not entirely illogically, concerned that Janice was coming back. Would the maniac come back with a tire iron? A chainsaw?
The audience was deathly still, possibly having similar thoughts about Janice and chainsaws. The referee saved the day. “By reason of leaving the octagon” he announced “Janice has lost through forfeit.” He grasped Mindy’s and held it aloft. “I present the winner of today’s match, Mindy Anderson!”
The crowd was happy to be told what to think. They cheered for Mindy, though somewhat less than at the start of the match. They weren’t sure if Mindy was an honorable athlete who’d stayed on the field of play or literally Hitler who’d oppressed poor helpless Janice. They consulted social media but the instructions were unclear. If nobody’s there to tell you that you’re at war with Eastasia; what then?
Out in the parking lot nobody had time to ponder such details. They were presented with a squealing terrified little guy running like hell from a growling, barking, enraged, maniac. The little guy was clutching a cell phone in one hand and car keys in the other. Presumably, he had a vague idea that he’d leap in his car and drive away; very far, very fast. The maniac in pursuit was wild-eyed and menacing. He was entirely naked save for a sports bra stretched over rippling six pack abs. He was shouting “KILLLLLL!”
It took only a second for everyone to come to the same conclusion. That little guy had stolen the big naked dude’s cellphone. What a bastard!
I blame Eurasia for the crowd’s uncertainty. That’s enough to justify our war with them.
Those bastards in Eurasia cause all of our problems. We should all log onto Facebook and witness Two Minutes Hate just to be sure. After all, it’s fact checked!