Update: The people have spoken. I was wrong and Mrs. Curmudgeon was right. Y’all seem to agree the song is pervy and always was. My idea that it was 51 years ago and we’re just looking at it through jaded, cynical modern eyes is incorrect. Damn… yet another naïve little idea of mine just got poleaxed. I’m kinda’ bummed out about that. Did I mention the trumpets? I should correct my erroneous ways and turn to a more appropriate lifestyle, like watching Cardi B (whoever that is) grind away while barking the lyrics to WAP. Or maybe I’ll strike back! I’ll watch Pepe Le’ Pew cartoons and buy clandestine Dr. Seuss books in a back alley… because I fuckin’ love trumpets!
Today I must briefly interrupt the Squirrels Story to address an issue of contention at Curmudgeon Compound. It has to do with music.
As you might have guessed from a guy who postulates that Swedish Disco harnessed the power of bullshit to facilitate mind control, I like to listen to odd music. I pay attention. Music is powerful shit! I’m always trolling for some obscure song where one or two bars of the hook will set your mind in a certain mood. That’s mind control folks! Perhaps that’s too harsh, it’s a way to set your mind into the mood. For example, anyone with a lick of common sense doesn’t play Pink Floyd at a wedding. That doesn’t mean Pink Floyd is bad… it just means Pink Floyd is ill suited to people in fancy dress performing a marriage ceremony. If you’re in a mood to sit quietly in a beanbag chair drinking shitty wine and pondering the universe…. that’s when you put on Pink Floyd. (As another example, I love playing Sixteen Tons while stacking firewood… yeah that’s some hard core, zero fucks given, work music! Play it at a wedding and the bride will beat you to death.)
Anyway, there’s a song from 1970 I like called Vehicle. (The song is linked below but hear me out before you play it.) Here are the lyrics:
Hey, well, I’m the friendly stranger in the black sedan
Woncha hop inside my car
I got pictures, I got candy, I’m a lovable man
And I can take you to the nearest star
I’m your vehicle, baby
I can take you anywhere you wanna go
I’m your vehicle woman
By that I’m sure you know
I love ya (love ya)
I need ya (need ya)
I wants ya gots to have you child
Great God in heaven, you know I love you
(Oh you know I do)
Well, if you wants to be a movie star
I canna take-a you to Hollywood
But if you wanna stay just like you are
You know, I think you really should
I’m your vehicle, baby
I can take you anywhere you wanna go
I’m your vehicle woman
By that I’m sure you know
I love ya (love ya)
I need ya (need ya)
I wants ya gots to have you child
Great God in heaven, you know I love you
(Oh you know I do)
That’s the whole song. We’re not talking Shakespeare here. Hell they even repeat the first verse after a half assed guitar solo. Why? Because they came up with 119 individual words and then ran out of vocabulary. Fuck it, just repeat verse one and say it with more energy. That’s 1970’s problem solving for dumb songs and I can get behind it. It’s upbeat. It has trumpets.
It. Has. Trumpets!
I like the song. It’s simply oozing with 1970’s upbeat stupid energy. I picture a guy who looks like Shaft. He’s masculine, driving a ridiculously huge hunk of Detroit iron, and wearing the kind of clothes that make you wonder what was in the water in 1970. Sideburns may be involved.
I hear a big booming bass voice of some guy who’s not a modern man-bunned soyboy but maybe not exactly a genius either. He’s just dying to drive his girlfriend around in his car. He thinks she’ll appreciate it. Can you imagine a world so sweet and innocent? He’s extolling his love for this girl. He’s practically kissing the ground beneath her feet.
Hell, this is the kind of dedicated jackass that a modern woman would walk all over. He probably winds up driving his girlfriend at 4am to the airport, hauling all her shit when she moves, and probably has to walk her dog when she’s away on vacation. By 1980, he’ll be living in that car, have pawned the trumpet, and start playing Seattle grunge. But not yet! Right now it’s 1970 and he’s put her ass on a pedestal (see what I did there). It’s a combination of chivalry and Cadillac. He’s so earnest and clueless (by modern standards) that he starts to sound like Don Quixote extolling the virtues of (nonexistent) Dulcinea.
But the singer is playing it to the hilt and there’s not a sniff of the cynicism we take for granted in 2021. He’s just hoping she’ll like him and appreciate free Uber. Why the hell not… he’s a man in the 1970’s baby!
Mrs. Curmudgeon hears the same song and absolutely hates it. The dude’s a perv. He’s a sexist fucknut. He’s basically saying “get in the van bitch, it’s my shaggin’ wagon!” (I have to admit, anyone who has candy is a bit sketchy.) Where I see naivete she damn near sees a rapist.
My theory is that it’s a song from 1970 and we are people in 2021. 51 years of water under the bridge and we can’t see beyond the whole “perv in a van” vibe. She says I need to get out more and quit being weird. I’m like “people were different 50 years ago”. She’s like “dude’s a scumbag”. I’m like “he was probably wearing polyester, allowances must be made.” She’s like “nope, he’s a creep”.
I’ve accepted that Mrs. Curmudgeon is probably right. She’s female and women know creeps. The song never made it to the squirrels story. What’s worse, is that now I can’t see it through earlier eyes. When I listen to it… it has trumpets… now I feel vaguely creepy. Like I just listened to scruffy audio porn. Will all of 1970’s be that way? Am I stupid for thinking this is just some smitten fool trying to impress his girl (or perhaps potential girl) by offering helpful transportation? Was nobody ever that naïve? Was he always a perv? Damn, nothing is ever clear… even if it does have trumpets.
Folks, help me out. Add your two cents in the comments. I gotta’ know if I missed the boat on this song.
Here’s the song:
P.S. The name of the band is Ides of March. That’s today, March 15th. So now you have two associations with this date; Caesar got stabbed and AC likes a sketchy song from the time of polyester.
In Venezuela, Spain, Mexico (where I have lived) the piropo or flirty compliment was/is an acceptable practice. Some girls complained about the ones which were a bit near the knuckle, others were perfectly okay with them.
Looking back at a 50 years younger me, I can safely say that by today’s standards I was a bit of a jerk. But nobody complained.
I was 20, stationed in Wichita, Ks. 2nd real winter I ever experienced. (CH)Air Force. I interpret it your original way. I’ll skip the cynicism this time.
I’m male, straight, and almost 70, barely know pop music from then or now. That said, I always thought the song was creepy. Well executed, but kinda an icky vibe, man.
Thanks for the memory AC. In ’70 I saw the Ides of March live, they played at the USNA auditorium where I was a Middie at the time. Funny thing, their act followed a speech given by Gloria Steinham, and let me tell you, she was hot sh*t back then, all feminist, wearing no bra and a sweater that was 2 sizes too small. Needless to say she got a standing ovation and a lot of wolf whistles after that speech, no one remembers a word but she was hawt and eye candy to us women deprived guys.
The 70s were a different era, of course the 80s were too. Can you imagine Funky Cold Medina being released in the #MeToo era? Tone Loc was essentially singing about a date rape cocktail, or was he? Maybe it was just a funny sing about a loser look for a sex potion.
You and Mrs Curmudgeon will have to work it out. Good luck.
He’s definitely stranger danger in the first part of the verse, but is he playing it for laughs with the girl? or is it really two conversations, one in his mind, and one from his mouth?
Loved the song back then for the big brassy sound. Still like it.
—
n
Funky cold medina! Our local to Houston station that plays all sorts of stuff from back in the day, claiming to have no format, but that’s their format, has been playing Funky Cold Medina several times a day. ” I don’t fool around with no Oscar Mayer weiner”, “This is 80s and I’m down with the ladies, ain’t no plans with a man.” I was thinking about the date rape drug aspects, but he takes the drug HIMSELF. It makes HIM irresistible if you needed to make an argument against the whole “drugging your date” vibe.
—
n
A lot of songs from the late 70s early 80s wouldn’t get airplay now- Billy Joel “Come on Virginia”, The Knack “Good Girls Don’t (but I do)”, the one about ‘ride ride little cheeks sit on me I’m a bicycle seat’….
On the other hand, there is a radio edit of the foulest piece of obscenity I’ve heard in a long time, Wet A$$ P#ssy, by Megan Thee Stallion (who performed on tv for the grammys last night). CERTAIN artists can say all kinds of kinky stuff.
n
Sorry for the triple reply but there is something weird with the comment form. When I put all that text as one comment, the details and post comment box scrolled off the bottom of the form and I couldnt’ get to them.
Had to break it up to not push the stuff down.
n
I’m cool with a triple reply. I consider it an adaptation to a crappy GUI. (See what I did there?) Who knows what dumbass limitations were coded into the comments form?
I love that song, as soon as it starts and the horns blast off it just kicks me into another gear. And yes those lyrics are definitely not safe for this era. Along with such songs as Ringo Starr’s “You’re 16, You’re Beautiful, and You’re Mine” or Benny Nardones “Into the Night” which my daughter calls The Creeper Song. Both performed when these guys were in their 30’s And don’t get me started on “Every Breath You Take” which is the ultimate stalker song. Still when I hear “I’ve got candy, I’m a lovable man” I don’t see a guy holding a heart shaped box of chocolates out to a woman but a guy in a trench coat holding out a lollipop to a preteen girl. So I guess I’ve also been changed by this era.
When I was in high school marching band in the 80s, we played an arrangement of Vehicle for our show one year. It was several years later that I finally heard the lyrics, and thought it was pretty sketchy. However, it worked great for a marching band because, trumpets.
Not too long ago, I heard the story that the origin of Vehicle was mostly not-pervy. Here’s what wikipedia has on it, which is mostly what I’d heard before. Except for the last line.
‘Peterik wrote “Vehicle” as a tongue-in-cheek joke, having been initially inspired by anti-drug pamphlets passed out to high-schoolers.[1] He expanded on the song’s genesis in a piece for The Wall Street Journal:
At the time, I was madly in love with this girl named Karen. I had a souped-up 1964 Plymouth Valiant, and she was always asking for rides. I drove her to modeling school every week. I was hoping flames would ignite—but they didn’t. I came home one day, dejected, and thought: all I am is her vehicle. And I thought: Wow! Vehicle! I came up with this song, taught it to the band, and the next thing I knew, we were recording in a CBS studio.[2]
Peterik had an on-again/off-again relationship with the woman after the song came out, and they eventually wed.’
Well, I thought the multi-parter problem got me, so there may be another chunk of this on the way.
Two more things to mention on the subject. One, the WSJ ran an article on Vehicle. Two, Peterik is also the founder of the band Survivor, and co-writer of Eye of the Tiger. And three, Ides of March originated in Berwyn, IL. If you know the significance of Berwyn.
I have never heard of Berwyn Illinois.
It’s a running joke on Svengoolie (one of the few surviving monster creature feature shows, airing on ME TV). The show is out of Chicago, Berwyn is their equivalent of “beautiful downtown Burbank.”
Here comes another multi-parter. From Wikipedia, on the subject of vehicle. Two things (so far) jump out at me. One, the WSJ ran an article on it, and two, the ending of the true-life story.
Part I:
‘Peterik wrote “Vehicle” as a tongue-in-cheek joke, having been initially inspired by anti-drug pamphlets passed out to high-schoolers.[1] He expanded on the song’s genesis in a piece for The Wall Street Journal:
I always thought the lyric was “I got pizza, I got candy….” Back when dinosaurs roamed and we had to try to figure out the lyrics by ear. And I loved the brass too.
I’m your age or older. Just reading the words of the song and I side with Mrs. Curmudgeon. My first thought was that he was trying to get a young girl into his car for evil purpose. Someone should have taken him out and beat his ass back when he wrote the song.
I mean they are not Blood Sweat and Tears, but they have trumpets! If they would have thrown in some trombone or tuba everybody would have been fine with the lyrics.
If you think that’s creepy, try listening to Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison. I was too young to have noticed girls and that song still creeped me out.
I agree. The singer of the song, not the woman but the guy who notices her, is just a total loser; like dangerous stalker level of loser. I always thought that. What woman is attracted to a damned doormat like the singer of that song? Roy Orbison’s voice is excellent but the song is not great.