The Mr. Bean ATV: Part 3

[So here we are, still adding to the story. I didn’t intend to tell the rest. Things might get weird. I intended to stop after the glory of Battleduck, but it happened and it is the silly stuff we need right now. Everyone has been losing their minds and we overlook the value of humor. Even now, I’m 2000+ words into a story that involves not one single politician, nor any mention of our reaction/overreaction to “end of the world #19 in the year of madness #????”. Does anyone regret I’m not bitching/analyzing/navel gazing over the elephant in the room? And what would a serious post even look like in these times? Should I whisper memento mori in every political figure’s ear and then cower in my basement. I’m not interested in that game. One excellent reaction to political stupidity is to follow the advice of a philosopher that said “Screw you guys, I’m going home.”  For non-serious fare, I offer my illogically bemused thought process. It’s for entertainment purposes only.]

First of all, thanks for all the supporting ideas. Folks seem to take my insistence that I roam backroads and trails in something uncommon at my word. Which is good because it’s a core value. If everyone rode a horse, I’d want an elephant. I have no explanation why.

So here are some ideas that popped up in comments:

Highest awards go to the reader that suggested a Kleines Kettenkraftrad HK 101. Outstanding! Alas, they’re rare, Russian, and would surely be a restoration project. I want to ride trails in 2020, not wrench in the garage. Even so, that thing is damn cool!

Someone else mentioned a Manx Buggy. Nice idea and I like a street legal VW base. Delightfully, you can build one new right now. The company still exists! Alas, I don’t have a Beetle sitting in my garage and also a fiberglass buggy, cool as they are, isn’t my style.

Everyone loves the Sherp but nobody’s got that kind of money.

Now for some personal ideas I considered:

The Roxor is an exact explanation about why government pisses everyone off. It’s marketed as a side by side but hampered by the red tape laden society in which we live. It’s basically an old flatfender Jeep with a slightly improved engine and not much else. The EPA and the DOT are on a relentless mission to ruin all the fun in life and modern Jeeps are proof of it. A “modern” Jeep is nothing like an old flatfender. It’s vaguely cool but it’s expensive and closer mechanically to a minivan than a 50 year old trail mastering warbeast.

The Roxor is a near perfect replica of a street legal 1940’s Jeep and it’s sold by Mahindra (of India) in many countries. Probably if the election of 2016 had gone a different way it would never have seen American shores but miracle of miracles it’s here. It’s sold as a side by side, which it is. But, as sold in 2020 is most definitely not street legal. Because sit down and shut up you goddamn peasant!

I like the Roxor and there are situations where they’re perfect, but I want to recreate. Part of that is avoiding politics. I have no desire to dive into a regulatory morass where the ATV trail people bitch that it’s a Jeep and the DOT bitches that it’s an ATV and nobody loves it. If I had 10,000 acres of my own, I’d already own a Roxor and drive it every day. A Roxor is roughly $17K, about the price of a very nice side by side or a mid level 8×8 Argo. I believe Roxors sold in America are made in America.

Don’t laugh at my next entry. It’s called the Halfinger. It looks silly but I’ve ridden in one and they’re super-fun and very tough. They’re rare but not too rare. A restored one (remember, I want to buy and use… not buy and restore) isn’t cheap but not too bad. One in good shape is probably less than one tire on a Sherp and around the same cost as a mid/entry level Argo. They can go pretty much anywhere an ATV can go. There are a few caveats. They’re old and lack some of the amazing suspension improvements of a modern ATV. Consider a Halfinger as capable as a mild side by side. It has the advantage of much more usable carrying capacity and the disadvantage of 40 year old parts to maintain. Shockingly, the diminutive Halfinger is street legal. Amazing!

For “sign on the dotted line and drive it today” instant fun, the Ural Gear Up is a strong contender. The problem with Urals is that they’re overpriced for what they are. A Ural has mostly 1940’s technology but a mostly 2020 price. A Ural will set you back $18 large and that’s as much as a very nice side by side.

Some Urals have 2WD (the sidecar wheel is driven). With 2WD, a Ural is probably as trail ready as any side by side but eclipsed by the beastliest of the ATVs. It’s probably a bit narrower than a side by side but you won’t be snaking though the densest forest. I suspect the ride is not too bad. Maintenance is a sore point for the Ural. They seem very capable and easy to fix but you will probably wind up fixing stuff from time to time. That sidecar can surely hold a shitload of camping gear. The several I test rode years ago shifted like a tractor but were a hoot to operate and not even that slow.

The Ural has the advantage of being street legal and doing so with style if not highway speeds. Alas, it’s not worth $18K unless there’s a Krugerrand in the trunk. That’s just my opinion based on my value of a dollar. YMMV.

Note: the photo is from Ural of New England, if y’all want to sponsor an idiot blogger I’m definitely on board with that.

The Ural is the first serious contended I’d seen with a good dealer network and now I saw that as a useful thing. Also, I was thinking of motorcycles too.

Ever open to new ideas I toyed with the smaller, tougher, weirder Rokon. The Rokon has what seems like a very supportive dealer network and that’s a plus. Also street legal, but with a top speed of “saunter”, the Rokon is probably the most unstoppable thing listed here. (Not counting the Sherp which is just plain stupid expensive. Or perhaps, on land, a Rokon can slip around trees that’ll slow the Sherp. Hard to say?)

Some Rokons (such as the Scout) have something vaguely like suspension. The others don’t. Nobody has ever called a Rokon a smooth ride.

All Rokons are two wheel drive. They have tiny, simple, nearly unkillable engines. They can be kitted out with enough shit to survive the apocalypse. They’re said to be capable of going virtually anywhere and I don’t doubt it. If a Rokon can’t get there you might not even be able to walk there. That said, they may beat you to death on the way.

The Rokon was the first thing on the list to hit my budgetary horizon. You can kit out a fairly high end brand new Rokon with suspension and new beast smell (it sure ‘aint new car smell) for $8K or so.

That’s pretty fair for this sort of machine. Look at the tactical maniac in the photo below; he’s that nuts with a budget suitable for a low/mid level Polaris ATV. It’s not often you can go full batshit on that kid of budget. I think you can even get one shipped to your house. (I haven’t tested that.) With proper care they appear to last forever. With improper care and regular abuse the probably last just as long.

Cheap, ugly, weird, massively overbuilt, slow, uncomfortable, and tough as nails. Yep, I’d found something in my bailiwick.

I settled on the beast for a good long time. I started searching Craigslist for a “deal”. Prices are all over the place and condition ranges from garage queen that never saw dirt to “pile of parts”. Hobbyists seem to love restoring them but that’s not my interest this day. (Image is from here.) Just inches from biting the bullet on financing $8K, I stayed in this orbit for several weeks.

To be continued…