A standard ATV (“engine between your legs” instead of “two seats side by side”) was the obvious solution for me. But it just wasn’t weird enough to suit my personality. ATVs are everywhere. I like to find the middle of the bell curve, and then run from it.
Eventually, I isolated what should be perfect. The Polaris ACE 570 was ideal! A side by side that seats only one. Spot on!
Shielding from the cold winds while winter riding. Roll cage (always a plus). Park your ass in a single seat ensconced within a crash cage. Good sized engine without ridiculous displacement bloat. Maybe slap on a plexiglass windshield for snow riding. Not a lot of electronics (though more than I’d like). I like the combination of wind protection but no heater to break expensively. The reviews warned it wasn’t a speed demon, which didn’t bother me a bit. I don’t care about speed. Reviews also said it was odd; a neither fish nor fowl machine. This made me want it even more. They’re not as cheap as I’d like (nothing is) but they’re solidly under $10K and a few are used. Far cheaper than a mid/entry side by side. There’s a chance of them going out of production, which means cheaper prices but no aftermarket. A big plus for me is that I could spend all day on an ATV trail and never see another one like it.
I was smitten.
I went to a dealer with trepidation. I hate debt so every visit to a dealer is dancing with the devil. Also, I’m a bit stretched after buying a tractor. But time waits for no man and I’m not getting any younger; so, it was best to investigate these critters before the marketing assholes killed it. It was a dangerous time. Mrs. Curmudgeon was aware I was prowling the unseemly fiscally dangerous shoals of expensive motorized toys. If I showed up with a new ATV in the back of the Dodge I’d be skating on thin ice.
Just look at it! A single seat side by side. Not a go-go buggy speed demon, not too expensive, not a fat machine that can only handle trails that are basically roads. I think the size is perfect. A chug through the woods, one man mini-truck. If it passed the test drive, I’d probably buy one.
It was a bitter cold day. I climbed in the seat and immediately appreciated the cab shielding much of the wind. The size was small but well proportioned. A little cramped. I fired her up, easy controls. Not too loud, not too many bells and whistles. Unlike the douchebag in the photo I wasn’t outfitted like a space ranger… because I live on earth, not a liability lawyer’s imagination. (If you need a helmet AND a roll cage, maybe you shouldn’t leave the house.) The limited shielding from the bitter wind was massively appreciated and I mention it many times because it’s huge.
Once I got under way everything was pretty simple. Steering was adequate if not precise. Suspension was adequate. I played around a bit to make sure I knew how everything worked before I was ready to put her through her paces.
Then I floored it. And….
Nothing.
There was no magic. It accelerated with the adequate mediocrity of a minivan. It cornered like a completely acceptable conveyance. It was the non-thrilling Honda Civic of the forest.
I felt like this:
What a letdown! I was driving lite beer when I wanted Tequila.
I’m a demonstrative fellow at times. I got out of it, leaving it parked in the ATV dealer’s long line of gleaming machines and literally shouted at it. “What the hell’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you fun!?!”
The little machine didn’t answer. It probably has nightmares about me. The salesdrone who’d given me the keys was crestfallen. He’d smelled a commission and the test drive had gone all wrong. “We don’t sell a lot of those.” He sighed.
I was completely non-plussed. “What the hell’s wrong with it? It handles OK. Adequate power. Why isn’t it fun?”
He shook his head. “I guess it’s a personal thing?”
Indeed, he hit the nail on the head. The Argo had been too fun. The ACE was too tame. It lacked the spark of adventure. The search would have to continue.
A.C.
P.S. Don’t get me wrong, the ACE 570 is a superb design. If I got one for free, I’d drive the wheels off it. If you’re getting up in years and can’t physically manage an ATV, I’d suggest you get one before Polaris discontinues them. If I had bad legs or something, I’d buy one yesterday. There’s nothing bad about them and I think the overall design and size is inspired. It just didn’t speak to me.
I had an inexplicable urge to check Craigslist… and some dude half an hour from here is trying to sell a 20-year-old, OD green, 8-wheel battleduck for $4900!
… No, I’m not seriously tempted. My “toys” list runs more to machine tools (CNC and otherwise) at the moment, those being toys I’d likely use extensively. And there’s still a bunch of money, and time, to be spent getting settled in at the New Homestead.
If they weren’t so expensive, this would be the ideal Curmudgeonmobile:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SdKfz_2
https://c2.staticflickr.com/8/7099/7234998246_0e797e02b9_z.jpg
I love it. I can’t imagine that front wheel does a good deal steering but it might. If there was one at the ATV shop I’d test drive it!
I leave this here without comment…
https://youtu.be/2cgvB7-XzVs
What about a classic Manx Buggy then? Street legal, ideal for towing small boats to the scene. Aircooled, too, for winter adventures!
Cincinnati Craigslist: 6×6 Argo $1200
You could fix that thing with a couple of turbos!!!
Why not go the more expensive model with the larger engine? If the 570 doesn’t have a lot of power the 900 might work.
Side panels, roof, windshield… more weight, more wind resistance.
It’s all about cost. I was trying to go cheap and found a used 570 to test.
Talking about budgetary restraints, I’m still riding my 1983 Honda 250R three wheeler. It’s exciting, fun, scary fast, exciting and unforgiving. Did I mention it’s exciting? That’s related to the scary fast, unforgiving part of the experience, but it really is fun. They were so much fun (and cheap) that CONgress was going to outlaw them. Japan quickly turned them into quads, so, no need for the law. At 69(andahalf) there could be unfortunate repercussions from unintended inertial ballistic events, but in my head I’m pretty sure I’m really only about 33 physically, so, I’m still riding (I might be retarded). Keep doin what yer doin, sounds like yer doin it right. Thanks for your “thankless” toil to bring us the adventures from too far north. SQUIRRELS!!!
I remember when ATCs (three wheelers) came out. Talk about a game changer! Such fun! Keeping one alive this long is no mean feat. Well done sir! Keep riding it as long as you can.
Whenever I rode one it seemed to mostly be on two wheels. Then four wheelers came out and the world stampeded for them.
I’ve seen a few three wheelers turned into Canadian style snow motorcycles. The center front fork outfitted with a ski and the two rear tires setup as two tracks. Seems like a match made in heaven. Never seen one in person but it seems like an ideal design for snow fun.
Sorry no squirrels lately but at least I managed two posts without mentioning politics or the elephant in the room. I hope that helps a little.
I looked at off road vehicles for years before biting the bullet and buying a new one 2 years ago. I couldn’t find a used one that was noticeably less than a new one until it it was a heavily beaten 15 year old…
I have a Polaris 900 side by side (3 seater). It does what I need around the property (gravel, dirt, firewood) and is still quite fun. I’ve had it over 50 mph crossing my field – but it wasn’t cheap!