The following quote is satire. I wrote it. I was making fun of the press (New York Times). I crammed this joke into a story involving lesbian activist squirrels. (Link: Road To Portland: Part 27: Free Beer):
“In an unfortunate incident, 782 shots were accidentally fired at a nearby Chevy Volt that was mistakenly thought to harbor terrorists. Lucky, all 796 shots, fired from semi-automatic assault style police shotgun revolvers, missed the driver; who subsequently shit herself and decided to move to Japan.”
The following quote is not satire. It’s from CBS. Presumably someone with a journalism degree was paid actual American dollars to string together this word salad. (Link: Suspect killed, officer injured in Calif. shootout):
“Five other people, including three women and one man, were taken in for questioning, CBS Los Angeles reports. An assault revolver with high-capacity magazines and a revolver were recovered at the scene.”
I like making satirical jokes but it’s harder and harder to pull it off. I have to think of statements so utterly ridiculous that they won’t be matched by “journalists” and many of them really are as dumb as a sack of hammers.
A.C.
P.S. The CBS link is from 2014 and somehow just started making the rounds among the gunny crowd who likes a good laugh. Perhaps nobody read the story for three years? Hat tip to Say Uncle for pointing out CBS’s brilliance.
P.S.2. If you want to read the entire story Attack of the Lesbian Activist Squirrels, in all its incomplete glory, click here. Everything I’ve written, including the squirrels, is as sensible as the media in 2018.
Update: Here’s a video of an idiot politician (but I repeat myself) from California (of course) whining about a “ghost gun that can disperse with a 30 magazine clip in half a second”. Lest you think this is just a random dumbass, note that he’s on stage, wearing a tie, and backed by a prop-like scowling law enforcement officer that inexplicably failed to fall down laughing when he heard the dude talk. I wouldn’t put this fool in charge of a lemonade stand yet he just got the California Democratic Party endorsement (in a race for US Senate). At least in terms of endorsements, this genius outmaneuvered incumbent (26 years!) Diane Feinstein. (Hat tip to Guns, Cars, and Tech.) My satirical story has a racist smelly bear and yet I’m not creative to imagine fictional woodland creatures sayings things that dumb.
That “scowling law enforcement officer” is just another Rove Republican POS who will do WHATEVER he is told, as long as that paycheck keeps comin’ in. Including smashing down your door at 2 AM, killing your dog – and you if you “resist” – and confiscating whatever they’re told to take. And while your local “Law Enforcement” officer may insist he would never do any such thing, remember it is not a crime for them to lie to Mere Citizens.
It sure is a shame that the FBI has to make do with the dregs of the “Law Enforcement” candidates. Surely the cream of that crop instead go to local and state agencies, since nobody in their right mind would want to work for “the premier law enforcement organization in this country”. That’s how we can be sure that the lies, fraud, corruption, treason, and sedition which is rampant across the FBI could never occur at your friendly neighborhood police.
Half second 30 magazine clips. I moved to Tennessee from The Peeeples Rrrepublic of Caulyfornia( in Arnolds Austrian accent) just to get some. I get funny looks asking for them, I tellem I’m not from around here, then they understand. I really miss the squirrel sagas. I can’t tell you how unhappy I am that your sorry ass reality is getting in the the way of my squirrel addiction. I should prolly find a 12 step program. Thanks for a great blog. It puts my sorry as reality into perspective. Tree Mike
Don’t give up on me and the squirrels. I may get delayed bigly, but I never ever give up. The story must resolve and I will resolve the hell out of it. Sorry it’s on a time frame associated with glaciers instead of bloggers.
Poe’s law kicked in a long time ago. Trying to come up with something as ridiculous as real life is becoming harder and harder, eh? No need to take LSD nowadays, just watch the goggle box for a surreal experience.
I was looking forward to Feinstein shuffling off the scene – until I learned who was going to replace her. That shithead has made a good living off being a nightmare to California gunowners for a long time.
Feinstein will never voluntarily shuffle off the scene. She’ll be dragged away by the voters (unlikely) or the grim reaper (statistically more probable). Like many insufferable harridans she’ll probably live to a ripe old age just to annoy the rest of us. Like those other geezers that wind up embalmed while in office (Calcified in their seat? Ossified in place?) she hasn’t had an sensible thought in decades.
That said, I’m not sure the human turnip that wants to replace her is any worse.