“There’s only one errand left and then we’re outta’ here.” Doogie announced to everyone’s relief.
“Billy.” Doogie beamed. “You must commit a small crime which is the alibi for the larger one we are living. Ideally, you’ll get caught for neither but the alibi I’ve planned is far less serious than what we’ve been doing.”
“Commit a crime as an alibi? Are you nuts!?!” Billy shouted.
“Suppose you’re a cop who finds a guy vandalizing a train car. Are you going to delve deeply into the situation? Would you presume a dipshit tagger is a criminal mastermind? Would you launch a six-week investigation? I postulate any sane cop will seize the idiot’s can of spray-paint, give him a ticket, and forget about it. Meanwhile NSA algorithms sniff out the ticket, pigeonhole the individual in question as a harmless loser, and in so doing explain away any anomalies.” Doogie explained this slowly, as if talking to a child.
“Then you go first!” Billy challenged. That ought to chill the nerd’s little headgame.
“Already done. How did you like the beer I got you and the bear?” Doogie chuckled.
“Yeah it was great I guess…”
Doogie counted in his head… one… two… three…
“…hey! You’re under age!” Billy realized.
“Indeed, it explains my strange activities these last few days; cell phones off, no Facebook logins, missing classes, and so on. It’s all caused by the guilt and misery inherent in my illegal purchase and consumption of a couple six packs of evil alcohol.” He rolled his eyes and made a pouty face. “Oh please, Mr. Judge, I throw myself on the mercy of the court. Don’t ruin my life over this one transgression.” Doogie said it all with the most hopeless voice he could muster. It sounded like sad puppies. It was rain falling on a cake. It was the tragedy of innocence lost.
“Dear, god!” Billy muttered. “You’re a genius!”
“Yes, yes I am.” Doogie agreed. “Now you must commit your crime of passion and stupidity. It will explain all your wanderings and erratic behavior; skipping work and whatnot. Don’t worry though, I’ve got it all planned out.”
“Continue.” Billy prompted.
“We’re heading back to your old employer, you need to be there by 5:30.” He checked his watch. “Plenty of time.”
“And…” Billy knew there was more.
“You’re going to need to buy some things on the way, take this next exit, stop at any convenience store. Use your debit card… don’t pay cash. I want this on the record.”
“What am I buying?” Billy was unsure how he felt about planting evidence on himself.
“A bag of sugar. I’ll explain later.”
If you are wondering why the hell I never got around to explaining what happened to Boo, feel free to click below: