Road To Portland: Part 14: Multi-dimensional Invisible Chess

To say the time after Billy’s relaxing breakfast of beer had been a whirlwind was an understatement. As soon as Doogie had negotiated an agreement with the squirrels he swung into action; issuing endless and confusing orders to everyone present.

The deal was that Doogie would provide “protection from NSA hunters, transport to Portland or vicinity, and setup a safe haven for squirrels”. Billy wasn’t happy with the unspoken assumption that he was part of a package deal. He also noted that nobody mentioned “safe haven for bears”.

But Doogie assured him that the payout, while currently unquantified, would be “more than sufficient to make you very happy for a long time”. Billy hated to admit it but it Doogie was already firmly in charge. Billy was at best a supporting character in Doogie’s internal monologue. Billy shrugged and reminded himself that had called in the genius and it wasn’t as if he didn’t know Doogie was… “off”. “Off” meant that he could negotiate with squirrels and a lot of other things but it also meant he was socially unaware enough to boss Billy around in his own Subaru; which for most people would get them a smack to the head and a long walk.

Doogie had launched a multi-dimension invisible chess game with NSA “hunters” who may (or may not!) exist. Having been demoted to mammalian game pieces, Billy, squirrels, and bear alike did countless seemingly illogical things in rapid succession. Billy understood his bright friend was leaving a trail of evidence so convoluted that the NSA, should it actually be watching, would be hopelessly mired. The bear simply concluded that humans were strange freaks and left it at that. Billy saw the bear’s explanation as nearly as well supported by evidence as Doogie’s paranoid mind games. Then again how many rural homesteads have their wifi jacked by squirrels and subsequently experience a missile strike?

By mid-morning, Billy was dispatched to deliver the bear a short distance from the sight of the strike and quickly drive off. He would pick up the bear at a designated rendezvous point later. The bear was instructed to retrieve “papers” that the squirrels reported the unhinged homesteader had flung into the crater. All agreed that no human should risk retrieving them. Billy, who was apparently the kindest creature in this little endeavor, worried about the bear. With Doogie’s very reluctant concurrence, he risked an internet search just long enough to verify that bear hunting season was over. If the bear wound up dead, it was poached and not hunted… though it would hardly matter to the bear. The bear, with characteristic woodland nihilism, promised he’d be stealthy and simply assumed if he was seen it would be by NSA hunters and he’d be shot on sight.

If you think “NSA hunters” would be a great name for an outlaw country band, feel free to click below:


About AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Adaptive Curmudgeon is handsome, brave, and wise.

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