Adaptive Curmudgeon

A “hot tent” is designed (or modified) to camp in winter with a heat source within… usually a wood burning stove. This is simultaneously practical and hilarious. “I’m going to light a fire inside a fabric structure… what could go wrong?”

This isn’t weekend in August equipment. It’s specialized for harsh conditions. The one I got is particularly stout… at the expense of weight. There will be no backpacking with this tent! The way it was packed and the way it’s designed, I get the idea it could be air dropped onto an ice sheet on Baffin Island and serve very well right out of the box. Polar Bear hunting anyone?

Camping is all about trade offs. With cold weather camping it’s even more important. Going light or cheap comes with a price in comfort and safety. There’s a difference between “survive” and “thrive” and my idea is to thrive. Any dipshit can shiver in a mummy bag in a snowdrift… I’ve done it myself. It was fun at the time but I’m over that now. (What the hell was I thinking?)

Hot tents can be expensive. (There are ways to avoid this if you’re tough and clever. If you’re a stud who can winter camp on the cheap, more power too you. Toss a tarp over a taut line, nestle into a pile of pine boughs, and have at it.) For the rest of us, hot tents are spendy. Everything has to be made tougher and by their nature they’re complex.

There’s a skillset required too. A basic summer tent is pretty obvious. Even dipshit half drunk weekend warriors will figure it out. With a hot tent you can fuck up and burn it down. Plus of course you’re using it in conditions that are, if not unsafe, at least merit careful attention. I plan to test mine thoroughly before I overnight on a lake or mountain and get in over my head. In a way, I’m training myself more than testing the tent.

I’m still new at this. Early this winter I made the terrifyingly expensive purchase of a Russian Bear Market UP2. As tents go, it’s an odd duck. They’re very well designed but nothing like any tents I’ve used. When I bought it (and recovered from the heart attack at the cost), I mumbled something about my motivations (links: 1, 2, 3, 4). I also linked to the make and model on Amazon (hot tent and stove). (Note: the links go to Amazon. If you buy anything from those links it costs you nothing extra and I get a small kickback from Amazon. I don’t care if you buy one but at least you can see the details if you want to follow along with my new adventure. It says they’re in stock but I don’t know if that’s true.)

Warning: The Russian Bear UP2 comes from Russia. The supply chain for these tents is or may be severed. It’s the crashing of civilization so of course politics infects  everything, including tent companies. My tent was made in Russia, stored briefly in the continental US, and shipped to me from the East Coast. YMMV. Back in the long forgotten time of last November there were reports of multi week delays, especially for Canadian purchaser. The tents had gotten popular (as popular as a ridiculously overbuilt winter tent can get) and demand was high. Now, it’s five more months of stupidity and nothing has improved efficiency or reason in the world’s economy. Who knows what’s going on?

Here’s my warning. If you want one, order it yesterday. There are many hot tents but the Russian Bear Market UP2 is unique. It’s one of a kind. You may never have this chance again. You may have already lost the chance.

If you don’t want this particular critter, don’t sweat it. There will always be hot tents. A few are even made in America. There’s one brand from Alaska that’s just as expensive and well recommended, though totally different in design.

Field report:

Last year, I did a quick test campout (in what turned out to be a brutal blizzard!). I posted pics here. Last weekend I made another go at it. I’m including details that may or may not interest you.

The carry bag is pure toughness. It’s just the right size, not like some camping gear where it takes huge effort to get stuff back into the bag after you’ve used it. (I’m looking at you REI!)

It appears waterproof but with a zipper that’s probably just water resistant. Did I mention it’s tough? I wouldn’t hesitate to toss it in the back of a truck.

The tent comes with roughly six million yards of guyline. It was overwhelming. To manage them, I carefully sorted everything out. The lines are much longer than they need to be but everyone says not to cut them. In keeping with Chesterton’s Fence I’m keeping them full length.

Unlike some tents, the UP2 has oodles of anchor points. So many that you’ll probably never use them all. On most tents you just leave guylines hooked to the tent, but that’s weird in the self supporting UP2 because the anchor points are both optional and literally everywhere.

My idea was to buy many cheap light carabiners. This allows me to string the line to wherever I want and just clip on to the nearest tent anchor point with a carabiner. No knots at the tent side! It worked very well.

The tent came with a bunch of three hole aluminum “tensioners”. They’re beefy but I’m never sure how the three hole tensioners work. It seems a bit overboard and I might retie them as two hole tensioners.

I had “too many” carabiners so I made extra guylines. The lines of lighter color p-cord are ones I made myself.

This isn’t the whole set. There are more. You can see why I needed to sort them. If they were all in one tangle I’d waste forever each time I setup the tent. If you’re camping and need extra line, a UP2 has enough paracord to rig a schooner.

I built three homemade guylines for the chimney. On these, I added about a foot of light chain. The idea was that I could anchor to the 3 points on the top of the chimney and tie them down. (P-cord alone might melt.)

I put a key ring on each of the three anchor points on the chimney. Small metal carabiners hook to the rings. Getting the rings installed was a hassle but the carabiners wouldn’t work without them. This is all optional. The chimney is fine as self supporting but in the (admittedly brutal) blizzard last year I felt the chimney flex a little in the wind.

Here’s the set of three chimney guylines tossed on the snow.You can’t see the a third guyline in the back but trust me, it’s there. With three anchor points, the chimney is rock solid. Don’t overtighten. It’s hard to resist the urge to torque it down like a ship’s mast. All you need is a few pounds of pressure. It was solid as cement when anchored like this. In case you’re wondering, that cap on the chimney is a spark arrester. I’ve never yet seen a spark come out of this chimney.

Here’s a photo taken at night. The UFO on the left is a pole light. This was just a test, not a wilderness expedition. In case you’re wondering, the pipe gets hot… don’t touch it. But I didn’t have it glowing or anything crazy like that. 

The tent is self supporting but I like to anchor it solid. If a blizzard kicks in I intend to be smug instead of panicked.

Anchoring to the ground is an issue when it’s frozen. The tent comes with a huge pile of very beefy stakes that look like mini-rebar. They’re rugged, but I couldn’t hammer them into the ice.

A subset of stakes have a loop on top and coarse beefy threads. They work slicker than snot! I hand spun them right into rock solid ice. Once the thread bit they pulled themselves in. I couldn’t have done better with Sackrete and a post hole auger! I’m sure I could anchor on glare ice if needed. Very cool!

The place where a stovepipe goes through a hot tent is called a “stove jack”. It’s a key piece of the puzzle. This flap covers the stove jack for times when you don’t want a pipe going through your roof.

The flap is made of flame resistant material. It reminds me of welder’s fabric. On the wall, all the way from the stove jack to the floor is a layer of the flame resistant stuff. It’s removable but I leave it in there all the time. The stove (not the tent) comes with another piece of flame resistant stuff which I put here on the snow.

A note about floors. The tent comes with a nice high quality zip in floor. There are pros and cons to floors in a warm tent setup on snow. This time I zipped out the floor and tried a cheap tarp. It looked stupid but worked fine.

The stove jack has a metal ring. It fits the stove pipe precisely. This isn’t coincidence, I bought the stove to match the tent. 

The UP2 is a two layered tent. That trapped layer of air serves as insulation and it seems to do a very good job.

Each layer gets it’s own stove jack. There’s one stove jack with metal ring on the outer layer and a second one on the inner layer. Both are isolated with flame resistant material.

This is the outside stove jack with its flap rolled up. Notice that the flap and everything in the vicinity is that silvery flame resistant material. One note, you have to be pretty tall to roll up the outer flap after the tent is setup. It’s a lot easier to roll it up before erecting the tent. That’s why we test things y’all!

This is the outside of the stove jack when it’s all sealed up. You can see that this thing seals up pretty dang weather tight.

Down low there’s a small air intake vent. Open that so the stove has steady fresh air. It props open with a little stick. Don’t let the photo fool you, it’s small; about the size of a CD case. 

Here’s the vent on the inside. It has netting to keep critters out. Notice the flame resistant material on the right.

It doesn’t show up well because it’s in a camouflage netting pocket but the stove comes with a nice little smoke detector (CO2 detector?). I had to replace the Russian battery but I tested it and the detector works great.

Speaking of camouflage pockets, pockets are sewed into most of the walls. They’re very handy but, since they’re made of camouflage netting, it’s easy to lose stuff in there. This also shows my Teton XXL cot with my Teton XXL mattress and 0 degree Teton bag. Those three things together are more comfortable than most normal beds I’ve slept in.

The XXL cot does take up a lot of the tent, going smaller might be wise if you don’t already have the cot. Russian Bear Market sells cots that are smaller than my fat ass American style cot. They would fit better but I couldn’t afford a second cot.

In addition to the sewn in pockets there are two hanging pockets. These are clever. They hang on Velcro and aren’t part of the tent. I plan to load them up with useful stuff and keep them with my miscellaneous camping gear. Then I can hang them in the tent with all the stuff I need already in the pockets. Here’s one of two.

Here’s the other one. 

I got a “dog blanket” to cover my bedding. It’s meant to keep a normal household bed reasonably clean when dogs sleep on them. I figured it would be good for a tent where pine needles and stray bits of snow and stuff would be bouncing about. (Nature is messy!)

It got a full test and passed. I was out rummaging around for firewood and left the door open. Our cat moved in. You’ve never seen a cat as happy as one that’s snoozing in its own 9′ diameter tent with a cot, mattress, and sleeping bag that some dumb human had arranged for its pleasure. No pawprints on my sleeping bag so I call it a win.

Here’s a picture of the damn cat. In this photo it’s pissed off that I kicked it off my bed. 

Heat rises and the dome gets super hot. It’ll be an easy 50 degrees hotter at head level than ankle! A battery operated fan and light was the perfect choice. I set the fan on low and it was nearly inaudible. It helped regulate the tent’s temperature and is well worth it.

The top of the dome has a “cargo shelf”. It’s the camoflage octagon on the upper right of the photo. Stuff mittens and socks in there and they get the most heat available in the tent. Dries things out nicely.  Notice too the zillion little white clips for hanging stuff. Very handy. 

The light and the fan can point in different directions. 

This is clearly a winter tent. The two windows are small and have a million layers to be sealed to one degree or another against the elements. They’re mostly for ventilation. You won’t be looking out at vistas through these. However, the doors (there are two) would be fine for that purpose. This is what it looks like sealed up. 

Here it is when open. Note there are several layers and many options for “open”. There are screen options and you can also have it “closed” but get sunshine through a transparent window. There’s a stick to create a gap to allow ventilation in even the worst weather. I left it open like this all night. It worked well.

There are many woodstoves you can get for a hot tent. I got the Caminus M from Russian Bear Market because it’s designed to match the UP2. It’s spendy. There are cheaper solutions but probably not better in terms of heat, quality, and matching the tent.

Like the tent it comes in a high quality bag. Like the tent it’s very heavy.

Here’s what it looks like setup and with a coffee percolator perched in the appropriate spot. A note about the percolator, in this test it got hot enough for hot cocoa just fine but it was a little slow. The stove is very efficient and unless it’s just massively cold out there you might not want to stoke it too much and roast yourself out of the tent. I intend to cook on the stove and it’ll work but I’ll need to get used to it.

Notice the chimney goes out in front. This fits in the dome shaped tent perfectly. It’s a unique feature of this stove. 

Proof is in the pudding. This thermometer was on my pillow. Be aware that the top of the tent is very warm and the floor isn’t. If I wanted to be misleading I’d stick the thermometer in the overhead storage shelf and say “look, it’s 90 degrees in the tent”.

There are two metal “heat shield” covers for the stove’s windows. I hear it can be used as a sauna but I don’t know about that. I’m not sufficiently Russian to know how to setup a sauna while camping.

The windows on the stove are beautiful. They also serve a purpose. The heat radiates out of them much more than the surrounding metal. Physics matters! You can leave on the heat shields if you want but why would you?

OK, that’s the trip report. Sorry it’s so long. Get out there and enjoy nature.

My next post will not be related to the Ukraine. I will write about camping gear. Half the reason I picked the topic is to prove we can talk about other things.

But first let’s get this shit out of the way right here right now. This is a distraction. Don’t take your eye off the ball. If you’re a regular American citizen, living in say, Baltimore, the thing most likely to ruin your life, liberty, health, family, future, and finances is an ice cream eating douchebag from Delaware… not Russia.

It’s a few months after I was nearly fired over Covid. It’s a year and a half after the ugliest statistically shady election since I was born. It’s a year after gas was $1.80 a gallon. We just got done learning that governors can shut down businesses and restaurants and gyms and malls and churches. Fucking churches! Nobody elected can or should shut down a fucking church! That’s between God and worshippers… not the Electoral College and the Supreme Court.

I just watched America 2019 turn into Germany 1938 and I’m supposed to worry about NATO? No way! Every fucking thing I didn’t want to happen… has happened… and it all happened right fucking here. That shit mattered. It was wrong and the evil is boomeranging back on DC. Biden and his party have chickens coming home to roost and suddenly there’s a convenient distraction. Biden and the DC hive mind haven’t done a damn thing right in a long time. Should I believe and care about their geopolitical opinions? Nope! They’re abusive incompetent losers.

“We’re all in this together?” I’m not! Biden’s an idiot and the people that pull his strings can go fuck themselves. I was “in it together” when an unknown virus was an unknown threat. It took me six weeks to figure out it wasn’t all that bad but by then society had crawled up its micromanaged risk averse ass. By mid summer, getting rid of Orange Man Bad was important enough to risk death but not maintaining nominal civilization. So it was ok to burn down Minneapolis but not teach fractions at a school. The thirst for power had taken root and we all got two years of lies shoved down our throats.

Where’s Fauchi now? That skeevy little shitweasel has some ‘splainin to do! “I am the science.” Dude actually said that. What a twit. No man is science! Science is a process not a jack off in a lab coat yammering away on tv. Anyone who spews arrogant lying crap like that bastard ought to be hanging in a gibbot dangling from Teddy Roosevelt’s left nostril at Mount Rushmore.

But there’s no time… there’s a new emergency, we have to get involved in a land war in Asia. Quick, get in the van! I’ve got candy and stimulus dollars! Nope! I’m not interested.

Foreign entanglements? In support of whom? Biden? He’s the guy who set his dick on fire over Afghanistan just last year! Dude looked a calendar, wanted a talking point, and fucked up everything. How many people died because Biden wanted a 20th anniversary speech? Six months later Biden’s bitching about Russia and how we ought to Corn Pop them. If I fucked up like Biden fucked up, I’d keep my damn mouth shut about what ought to be done with military forces.

All this in part because of a hard on to expand NATO? Nope! That’s as intelligent as a Warsaw Pact expansion into Quebec.

I’m done. I’m out. Every inch of knee jerk support any president of any party ever will get has been expended over Covid. Once they unleashed the Karen Army on me, they made it clear. They made it personal. And I fucking hate them for that! To the folks in power, I serve no purpose but a vote farm, tax dollars, and cannon fodder. Fuuuuuuuck that! They want me to care about their issues, they’re going to have to earn my trust first.

They could try by succeeding at something. Maybe following the constitution. Or ruling like adults. Until then they’re just thugs in ties.

Such is the hive like saturation of propaganda and media “warfare” in our world that everything other topic has been swept away. Why? Because nearly everything was falling apart from the jackbooted thug point of view. I’ve no patience for lies. If someone’s gonna’ grab my ass I want dinner and a movie first. Let’s quote people from Bidens party that polled a lot better than Potato in Chief: “The 1980s are calling, they want their foreign policy back.” AND “It’s the economy stupid.”

At this juncture all I’ll say is this; the only thing about which we can be certain in terms of the Ukraine is that the press is lying. Literally everything I’ve heard from any major media source has ranged between sketchy and outright bullshit. There’s a whole lot of opinion and virtually no verifiable numbers. Lotsa’ people dead? That’s a shame… I want to see stacks of bodies… just like I didn’t see over Covid. Russia is in a quagmire? Let’s talk about definitions, how does one “quagmire” in 12 days? I’ve eaten bread older than this war.

Pronouncements have been saying stuff that simply doesn’t make sense. Sometimes they spew mutually exclusive nuggets of concentrated asshattery. Other times they repeat shit that anyone with two brain cells recognizes as Twitter trolling. Is that a blown up Russian tank or a burned out John Deere? Are those people fleeing Ukraine or is that a photo of a Chicago airport. Am I supposed to cheer the “bravery” of giving citizens weapons precisely and not a minute before the government itself is terrified? Why do half the people I see cradling rifles and bragging about resolve look like they know less about rifles than Bubba at the deer drive? The team of plucky underdogs that’s kicking Russian ass is using Molotov cocktails? I salute ingenuity while thinking that throwing wine bottles of gasoline isn’t a sign you’ve got the situation well in hand.

Whatever anyone says, I’m not buying it. Ukraine isn’t a wonderful happy land of freedom and joy. Russia isn’t nice either. If the two get in a snit and pound the shit out of each other it’s none of my business. The violence that concerns me is the crime rate in Chicago. Why? Because I don’t live in Eastern Europe… and most of my readers don’t either.

The press is like a child listening to a fairy tale. First they listen and then they add to the story. They make breathless pronouncements where two minutes thought and a little math or reason will tell you “nah, that didn’t happen”. Sometimes it becomes clear that the nugget in question was definitely bullshit, sometimes it’s dropped and never mentioned again. Never is data presented as actual data, with solid verifiable facts; maybe clear obvious photos and some maps and shit.

I’m disappointed with society. They’re in an abusive relationship with DC. They bent over to happily receive an obvious propaganda suppository… so soon after Covid! Have they learned nothing? That’s the sad part, after a planet wide power grab and sweeping insanity everywhere and in my nation too… most people have learned nothing. Two years of spastic Covid crap starts to fade and all a president needs to do is shout “we have always been at war with Eastasia”. Suddenly everyone is on board. Except me, I am not on board.

This is a distraction. I know who’s dangerous to me and it ‘aint someone in Eastern Europe. I don’t care if Putin is flailing about Eastern Europe riding into battle on a radioactive unicorn and smacking orphan puppies with a six foot flaming dildo. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

My nation matters to me. It comes first. It teeters on authoritarian collapse and marching off to east bumblefuck to assist party A in their defense against or attack on party B won’t do jack shit to restore rule of law in America. My formerly free and stable society matters to me and I’m not going to forget it because CNN has learned a new way to pronounce Kiev.

Neither Ukraine nor Russia nor Trump tried to take away my income. None of them tried to force an injection into my bloodstream. Biden did those things. Biden made $4 gas. Biden made inflation. Biden keeps political prisoners rotting in jail. Putin didn’t imprison Americans over politics. Putin hasn’t damaged my economic wellbeing. He hasn’t threatened my health or surrounded my capital with concertina wire. Biden is the danger. Biden, chief chowderhead of the Washington swamp, is more dangerous to me that Putin riding on velociraptor.

If you’re watching the news and have become deeply invested… say to yourself “two weeks to flatten the curve” and come up for air. Pull your head out of wherever you put it and pay attention to the dangerous mess on your own doorstep. The scheming monsters that created it are not thousands of miles away in a nation we remember from Risk games. The issue is not there, it is here.

After that, in a bid to stay sane, care for yourself. Back away from the propaganda sources! They do not want you to be happy, rational, and well adjusted. Letting them into your heart does you no good.

As for me, I’m going camping.

Good luck.

My last series of posts involved springtime 2021 and Curmudgeonly reflections on the Norman invasion of 1066. The set before that involved fictional murdertrout and the memory of a society where wrestling pythons helped sell life insurance.

What’s the common thread? I don’t want to talk about current politics. At least not directly. The glare of absurdly megawatt levels of incompetence mixed with a meaty stew of human sin is simply too much.

Stupidity, in it’s most concentrated form, creates an event horizon of moron. Once a person gets that far up their own ass, no intelligence can escape. Look at a photo of Trudeau. You think this guy has the slightest clue about… anything? I mean just look at him. I wouldn’t trust this meathead to ride a bicycle without getting his dick stuck in the chainguard.

What a tool.

He’s a human Petri dish, a genetically engineered being who oozes a combination of elite asshole and complete moron. I wouldn’t expect that twerp to manage a coffee shop, much less a country. I’ve taken shits with greater gravitas than the manchild that “leads” Canada.

That’s the risk. Ponder stupid people doing stupid things and soon you’re teetering on the edge of their universe of fail. It’s not just a surface layer of dipstick, it’s dumbass all the way down.

Lest one fall into the gravity well of elites busy setting their own balls on fire, it’s wise to look away. Better to think about the battle of Hastings in 1066 or talk to a tree. I could comment on Trudeau’s horse mounted henchmen curb stomping a little old lady in a mobility scooter. But what would I say? Bludgeoning old people is rude? Freezing bank accounts of people who’ve broken no laws is evil? No shit! Doing bad things to people who aren’t breaking laws is indeed the very definition of evil. And dumb. I know that. You know that. Trudeau doesn’t know that but he’s, as already discussed, a fuckin moron.

I could comment on Australia creating genuine concentration camps. I could comment on an American president who’s a vegetable.

But why? Dude’s too out of it to hold a job at a car wash and too out of it to diaper a baby. He can’t do what a bobble headed teenage cheerleader can do at a fundraiser or as a side gig in 9th grade. We could analyze the mush that comes out of the teleprompter he reads but y’all either know this is bullshit or you’re already lost.

Being lost has got to suck, but it’s not my problem. Some folks are so deeply of the bullshit nothing will save them but reality. Sooner or later they’ll begin to starve, or their teeth fall out because society no longer can support dentists, or their bank account just got frozen because something they said on F***book triggered someone’s brother’s uncle’s pet’s daughter and now they’re broke and wondering about this coupon for a free ride in cattle cars. The point is, many people won’t come up for air until something forces the issue and that’s not my problem.

That’s a beef I had with Orwell. He spent a lot of time telling things which everyone not actively deluded already knows. “A boot stamping on a human face forever“… that’s bad, don’t do it. Really? That’s the great reveal? Thanks genius I had no idea. Don’t get me wrong, 1984 had some good points but the basics are only misinterpreted by willful idiots. Willful idiots (particularly the ones who like and enjoy their delusions) aren’t going to learn… they’re fucking deluded. It’s part of the definition.

So… having said I’m trying to avoid modern bullshit… why have I fallen off the wagon? Because it’s too fucking funny.

I’ve watched President Potato bitch about Russia since… since so long ago it was when Biden was sentient. None of this matters one bit because nothing Biden does is wise. An unwise man without accomplishment is a fart in a windstorm compared to Russia. Hell, the dude is doing shit that’s a classic joke: Never get involved in a land war in Asia.

(If you’re fixing to get all pedantic and run to the comments about how the Ukraine is not in Asia… calm your tits. I have a map too.)

Point is, messing with Russia in Russia’s back yard is a bad idea. Doing it when your president looks like this is galactically stupid. I mean just look at this animated meat sculpture:

Going toe to toe with Russia five months after royally fucking up another land war in Asia? Absolute boss level incompetence.

Here’s a photo. Is it Kabul or is it Saigon? Let’s face it, it’s both:

Messing with Russia in winter is so stupid that it’s classic art.

You know what would be better than bitching about Russia and getting dragged into Ukraine? Anything and nothing. I’m a big fan of nothing. If Biden’s handlers could calm the fuck down and simply do absolutely nothing… that would be better than getting involved with Russia and the Ukraine. Get him a puppy… no wait, they tired that. A turtle maybe?

If they chained Biden in the basement with Matlock on a loop tape and ten gallons of ice cream, that would be better than watching Biden get a turbo wedgie from Putin. I mean, who’s going to stop Putin? Would that be our military? Now? They just got yanked from Afghanistan, had the vax mandate rammed up their ass, and they’ve been diversity trained to the point that I’m not sure if they could handle a bar fight against two bikers and a drunk cowboy. Even if our fighting men and women are deeply committed and want nothing more than to kill… it won’t help. They’re doomed to be run by the insane and the massively unaccomplished. People who’ve done nothing cannot lead to anywhere other than their own ass.

What are they going to do against Putin? Tell him their preferred pronouns?

Yeah, I’m sure he’s worried. Look at that guy. He doesn’t tell bullshit stories about teenagers at a pool in Delaware in 1968 because he’s Vladimir Fucking Putin. Biden’s a corrupt, incompetent, geriatric, failure. Putin is the real deal.

So why? Why, after fucking up an election transition, the economy, inflation, the price of gas, Afghanistan, and vax mandates, would Biden’s handlers think “war, with Russia, in winter, in Russia’s backyard… now that’s a good idea!”

Because it worked for one of our other somewhat less than clever leaders. I present to you Chimpy Mc. Hitler. (At least that’s what our unbiased media called him.)

Actually, now that I think about it, Chimpy and the Potato were equally articulate:

George W. Bush was about as popular as a shit sandwich for the first 234 days of his presidency. Then something happened that spiked Bush’s popularity.

See the graph. Green is Biden’s endless freefall superimposed over black, which is George W. Bush’s more or less unimpressive presidency. Do you note a strange anomaly at day 234? A sudden uptick and for a few years Americans could almost grudgingly tolerate the moron they’d elected. What caused that amazing burst of popularity?

What happened that day. Can we remember? What is the smart thing George W. Bush did? It must have been pretty awesome. It got him about 80% popularity for a short time and allowed him to squeak out a second term despite being pretty much the fuck up we all knew he was in the first 233 days.

Did he pass a fiscally responsible budget? Did he bring peace on earth? Did he develop cold fusion? Did he cure cancer?

Nope. America was surprised by the biggest attack since Pearl Harbor.

Bush controlled this like Pompeii controlled the eruption of Vesuvius.

Now, twenty plus years later, the only president less popular than Carter has gleaned from Bush’s clueless faffing about the exact wrong lesson. “If you want to be popular, be there and standing around with your thumb up your ass when shit goes bad so massively that the people rally around you. They’ll prop up your ignorant failing administration and you can have all the ice cream you want.”

It’s not going to work for Biden. It may look like some sort of 5D Chess master “strategery” but it’s the logic of a rooster crowing that thinks it makes the sun rise. I have a response to this particular effort by President FailsAtEverything: That was 20 years ago and we’ve been shit on too many years to fall for patriotism like that again.  Every fucking day patriotism has been hammered. Even people who have eagles tattooed on their ass and bleed red, white, and blue stars and stripes have changed their minds. They’ve learned. They love their country but will never rally around President Polident. Nobody will. Winning (hah!) or losing won’t matter for Biden. Times have changed, nobody cares about the Ukraine, and the people are pissed right here, right now. Aside from single women drinking wine while listening to NPR in a room full of cats, gay mimes, and people who benefit from his grift, Biden is without support. He’s toast.

Nobody wants to defend the territorial integrity of the Donbas on behalf of a president who won’t defend the territorial integrity of Texas. Asking them to do it after you’ve gotten the core military supporters fired from their job, kicked off social media, turned their school into a full Marxist madhouse, doubled the price of gasoline, and tanked the economy? One word: Nope.

This is a dumb situation to get ourselves involved in. It’s a dumb reason to do it. Whatever results from our involvement will be dumb. (The same goes for Taiwan if it comes into play.)

If you’re worried about the Ukraine, turn off the TV and forget about it. Everyone knows you don’t fuck with Russia in the winter! Our military is hollow and Putin knows it. So do all the adults in the room. Putin wasn’t going to take shit about NATO (and we agreed not to push it before Biden… you know.. pushed it).

President PopTart is too dumb to see the difference between a surprise attack on Manhattan and a place most Americans can’t find on a map… so he’s throwing a hail Mary pass that will go over like all his other brilliant initiatives.

Repeat after me: Not our circus, not our monkeys. There are things to worry about but this isn’t one of them. If you’re jittery, get a seed catalog and start planning your garden. You never know how far things will go (especially if the fertilizer markets are disrupted and take down some food production with them… yes, that’s a thing). Evil (and Biden) can only destroy but you can do something positive. Tomatoes are better than Twitter posts.

Good luck. I’m rooting for you.

Elections have a job, they should convince the people their voice was heard. No matter what your opinion of the outcome, America’s system failed at the process in 2020.

To what extent does it matter? Nothing is perfect. The most obvious bad American election would be Samuel Jones Tilden (D) who cheated in the 1876 election. In that shitshow, Congress “fixed the cheat” by seating Rutherford B. Hayes (R).

Lots of historians think John F. Kennedy (D) didn’t actually beat Richard Nixon (R) in 1960. Ever heard of Chicago? Ever heard of Chicago associated with a clean election? That was a conspiracy theory when I was a kid but it’s practically common opinion now.

Funny thing about conspiracy theories, they’re false until they aren’t. Kennedy died in office so he’s remembered fondly no matter how weirdly he mismanaged things. Take one to the head and people forget the Bay of Pigs. They remember you as a great man despite evidence to the contrary. Besides, Nixon took another crack at it later and won.

Painting with a broad brush, “convincing people their vote counted” didn’t work out in 1876, 1960, and 2020. Time may or may not heal the 2020 issue but there’s hope. Nobody but nerds like me know who Tilden was. I already said I’m Gen X and our generation is so sick of Boomers and Nixon that we’d happily toss his memory in the trash along with most of the Beatles playlist. (Admittedly, there are nuances. I enjoy Octopus Garden, Fool on the Hill, and trade with China.)

There’s a second point of healing over the Kennedy/Nixon election. The question became a moot point when Nixon came back in 1968. He won so hard nobody could deny it. Once Hubert Humphrey got his ass handed to him by Tricky Dick, the first round of “did his opponent cheat or not” seems less troubling. Nothing an American loves more than a redemption story! Nixon’s solid win “fixed” the whole problem.

(Of course, Nixon’s two unquestionably very solid wins came before Watergate. Watergate amuses me. Generations older than mine talk about Nixon like he had cloven feet and smelled of sulfur. Compared to the last few decades, Watergate is a children’s tea party. Modern corruption is pervasive and obvious. Watergate was a one night fuck up with a single jimmied door. Trump was the victim (and victim is the right word) of an elaborate months long multi-pronged electronic surveillance project done by the FBI. Months and months of illegal spying done by people who’s names we know and who collect Federal paychecks and who are not in jail today. How weird to live a world where the President was spied upon by the FBI but a handful of assholes doing a single break in at Watergate is the ultimate indignity?

Trump never had the power his detractors feared. We all saw Twitter deplatform the President of the United States right in front of our eyes. William the Conqueror nuked the whole of English nobility and replaced it with his pals. Trump was feared like the most awful thing since cancer but he can’t get a Twitter account. Biden, ironically, is America’s savior replacement who can’t work past noon.)

[Note: when I wrote this in 2021 Biden wasn’t leading well but there was hope in terms of foreign affairs. A few months later hope was gone. In summer 2021 Biden fled Afghanistan by evacuating the airport first and all our military gear not at all. In winter 2022 he’s trying to start a war in Russia. Great Napoleon’s nutsack! If war with Russia in winter is the answer, the question is stupid.]

So back to Biden’s support among the people: He entered the white house with about 40% of the populace suspecting he was a usurper. That can be turned around! [Note: The actual number was 47% I wrote this in 2021 while I was off-grid.]

Suppose, like William the Conqueror, Biden turns out to be a strong and effective leader? If so, the debate about how he got on the throne vanishes. That’s one way this could go. It would be good for the country. If Biden actually performs, nobody will care how he got there. Stolen or won election, the people will be happy if they have free and peaceful lives with a good economy.

I could learn to live with that. So it’s a hope at least.

There’s another way things could turn out positive. Suppose they audit the living shit out of the election. Not a political / lawfare battle but really actually seek to find out what happened everywhere. It would have to be a real audit; flip over rocks and look at the scary things underneath. The 40% [47%] that smells bullshit on the wind might be mollified if a series of legitimate well run audits turned up a squeaky clean result. Hell, audit the states that went for Trump too; like Florida or Texas. That seems wise to me.

I think I’ve been fucked by a cheat. I’m open to being proven wrong. In fact I’d love it!

Then, even if Biden fucks up, at least some of the blame lies with the voters who put him on the seat. (Consider Venezuela; they voted for a commie and a few years later were starving so bad they ate zoo animals. Since they voted themselves into that mess, I don’t lose sleep over it.)

I might regain faith in the system. Wouldn’t that be awesome?!?

Not long ago, on the radio, I heard the AZ audit was kicking off. This might be a ray of hope! [This was written in 2021 remember?] If Biden’s a usurper (as I suspect) we might as well know. If he won fair and square, I’d love to know that too. Audits that uncover the actual truth could do wonders. If the audit is messy lawfare that’s obfuscated it won’t help. If it’s ignored and not acted upon, it won’t help. This is a tough one. There’s a narrow window of opportunity, a lot of chances to turn it into yet another mess, and Biden is great at doing the wrong thing at the worst time.

(Actually, there’s an interesting thought about truth. Suppose the AZ audit comes back with clear, understandable, publicly presented evidence that space ninjas cheated for Biden with eleventy zillion votes? It would have to be so clear that Kool-Aid drinkers working for NPR could understand it. Undeniable truth about a cheat might benefit Biden. All he needs is the brains to use it. Evidence of a cheat doesn’t necessarily implicate Biden in the deed. What the nation wants is clarity not a referee that never misses the call. Biden could leverage it like a judo master. “In light of this shocking evidence it’s clear that we need cleaner elections. I won’t tolerate cheating! I’m supporting the prosecution of everyone involved until even their pets are in jail. I’m doing that because I believe in the American way. I will do everything in my power to make sure the next election is flawless. However, I’m not going to step down. Anyone who’s watched baseball knows sometimes the ref makes a bad call, but the game must go on. The Nation has had too much trauma and a change in leadership is bad for the country. We will have a perfectly clean election in 2024 and that will help the country. Plus, Trump is Orange and he freaks me out. However, I have expressed a sincere apology to Mr. Trump. I’m giving him a gold star he can hang on his refrigerator and asking him to be Ambassador to North Korea. I’m going to earn everyone’s vote from now on.” Give that speech and then lead well. I could live with that. I doubt Biden is adult enough but a true statesman could manage it. Maybe Trump would roll with it; being proven right might be all the guy needs. Sadly, it hinges on Biden being a wise statesman so the nation is probably fucked.)

Here’s where the rubber hits the road; as I see it there are only three ways out of our current quagmire that aren’t total shit:

1. A cheat tends to be forgiven if the subsequent leadership is strong and especially if it benefits the nation. William the Conqueror did this.
2. A follow up election could “clear the slate”. Nixon did this. [Note: this doesn’t have to mean Trump winning a third (!) election. I’d be convinced by Biden winning a solid, clear, cheat free, and unquestionable second term. I doubt Captain Potato is up to it but if he is, that “solves” things.
3. Careful analysis could show the election process was squeaky clean. That looks like a distant and unlikely hope. I mention it an hope it happens.

Each of these options would work; lead well, undo the cheat, or prove Biden really won. Three paths out of the quicksand.

It’s not too late. It’s only a few months into the Bidenverse. He doesn’t have to suck. We could recover. 2021 doesn’t have to be a decrepit idiot turning our nation into a circular firing squad. There’s always hope.

A.C.

[Editorial note: Since it’s now 2022, I have the advantage of hindsight. Did any of my 2021 imagined “paths to a good solution” happen? Absolutely not! Things got worse. Much worse. So much worse that the press gave up and admitted it’s worse. It’s so bad that Biden’s generating his own gravity and altering space/time. It’s a black hole of failure.

First the matter of election transparency; I Googled to see what percentage of American think Biden’s win in the 2020 election was a cheat and more importantly where that number is going. I wish I hadn’t! I expected the issue had faded with time. It didn’t. Just after the election 47% of Americans thought Biden’s win was a cheat. That’s huge but I assumed the suspicion would fade. It didn’t. Throughout 2021, support for the “cheat theory” grew. It has never stopped growing. In June 51% thought the election was a cheat. In October 56% thought the election was a cheat. In December 59% of Americans thought the election was a cheat.

By Christmas damn near 60% of Americans thought a cheating usurper was in the White House. That’s not some weirdo blogger’s theory, it’s the best polling results I could find.

Regardless of my personal opinion, the people think they got screwed. It’s not going away. The “Biden’s a usurper” opinion gains support by about 1%-2% every month. That’s bad juju for a “consent of the governed” system!

My alternative hope was that Biden would become a strong and popular leader. So great that nobody cared how he got into office. Holy shit! Of all the things that didn’t happen, Biden ruling well didn’t happen the most! He wasn’t a powerhouse last spring but Biden’s popularity went into solid (terminal?) decline around June. His poll ratings have been dropping every month. Right now he’s polling at 41.6% approval (with 53.2% disapproval!) Biden is less popular than genital warts, people who pee on your shoes, and telemarkteters.

There was a chance that America would say “who cares how we got him, he’s doing a great job”. Biden blew it big time. Bummer! He’ll never get a better chance than the ones he’s already set on fire.]

If they can do it, then they can do it. As it was in England in 1066 so it is in America in 2021.

“There are no true rules”, it’s not natural for me. I reflexively obey the rule of law. I expect people in power to obey them too. It’s as if I still lived in a high trust Republic with actual legal protections. In 2021, I’m wrong and outdated.

For example, I don’t follow game laws because I fear the game warden. I follow them because I default to law-abiding as “the right thing to do”. When I reel in a trout a ton of rules apply. I follow them because I offer “consent of the governed”. I’ll throw a fish back if it’s the wrong size or species because I consent to the law.

There will never be enough game wardens to monitor everyone like me. I could keep every trout I want. Hell I could poison the water and depth charge the survivors for fun. But I won’t break even the smallest game law. I consent to them.

Most Americans are similarly law abiding. How long will society stay like that?

I put shopping carts away at the grocery store. You do to. (Unless you’re an asshole!) People in a Republic with a transparently elected President do their part for orderly civilization.

“Consent of the governed” is the key. We’ll miss it when it’s gone. It’s already diminished. Downtrodden subjects (no longer citizens) will only do what they must. (This is what drove the Soviet Union’s Totalitarian system into an economic death spiral.) Suppose I’m putting carts away at the grocery store parking lot when I see other people shoplifting a case of ribeyes without penalty? I just paid good money for a ribeye. Which one of us is the dumbass?

Back to Joe Biden and the election of 2020? He supposedly got more votes than any other president in history while looking, acting, behaving, and smelling exactly like a guy who won through cheating. Am I on board with that? Nope! Are you? He didn’t get my consent. Did he get yours?

[Note: You know who had “consent of the governed”? Jimmy Carter. Carter was formerly “the worst president ever”. He fucked up everything he touched. Yet everyone agreed he’d been elected. There was consent even if he did a bad job.

Biden doesn’t have “consent of the governed”. That makes him an entirely different class of loser. Americans don’t like it and it shows. In 2022 Biden has became even more unpopular than the hapless Carter. He’s been that way for months and is still sinking. I didn’t think that was possible. I assumed Carter’s unpopularity was sort of an absolute zero level of dislike below which molecules no longer vibrate. Yet Carter, who fucked up everything he did, honesty won his election; so he’s more popular than Biden.]

I’ll keep putting carts away… I’m civilized after all. But in 2021 my good will is limited. Same with all deplorables. Biden needs to earn some “consent” fast. The key word is earn. He’s got to earn consent. Maybe he’s never earned anything in his life. Sadly, Biden is either too stupid or too feeble to do this.

Starting weak and acting like he’s a hero isn’t helping. He can’t intellectually grasp his limits. He proposes things he lacks the popularity to do. Biden, given a choice between basic policy A or generic policy B, will come up with completely unhinged whack job idea C. This never works out well.

Staffer #1: “Shall we encourage farmers to plant more corn or shall we let market forces prevail?”

Biden: “I’m going to shit in your coffee cup, call you racist, and form a Task Force to bankrupt every farmer in Kansas.”

Staffer #1: “But sir…”

Biden: “You’re a lying dog faced pony soldier! When I was young, tractors ran on Pepsi.”

Staffer #2: “I’m calling a ‘lid’. It’s nap time for the president.”

Biden’s out of his league in a way that’s almost fractal. He’s out of his league in every molecule and at every scale. Biden’s a hamster building a rocket out of tuna so he can fly to Jupiter where the streets are paved with the golden hairs of white teenage lifeguards.

It’s showing. One way to spell “supply chain disruption” is “people have zero fucks to give”.

Back in 1066, William the Conqueror might have been a maniac from Normandy, but he earned his place as quickly as he could and then immediately pivoted to wise rule. At first he was brutal and very serious about shoring up his power. If you pissed him off he’d show up on horseback with knights. If he had to set fire to the local Earl’s mansion he’d do it. If he had to kick your ass, he’d do it. If your sector was a pain in the ass he’d build a fuckin’ castle there.

But that was “phase 1” for William. He kept his eye on the prize. His goal was to stop fucking around getting to be King and actually do the job of being King. He did it, and rather quickly too. Within a decade or so, William the Conqueror slowly became the accepted and useful King the counsel of wise men couldn’t create out of short lived King Godwinson. In the end, William was a pretty decent ruler.

This is where the story gets boring. William the Conqueror is remembered as a good King because he ruled like an adult. He acted like it was his job. The Kingdom was actually fairly well run. When there was shit to do, William did it. When there was something that wasn’t a King problem, he didn’t micromanage. He built churches and castles and also roads and so forth.

William didn’t actively rule like an asshole or an idiot. He didn’t do weird shit. He didn’t blow the royal treasury on hookers. He didn’t try to invade Russia in winter.

Notably, William carefully didn’t push English society further than it could go. He seemed to know his limits. He didn’t want to wreck the place he’d worked so hard to control.

Ironically, William was a King with absolute power but he didn’t fuck with a normal person’s life as much as modern American leaders. Biden, or whomever is behind the curtain, has an opinion about everything. Whenever Biden’s not regulating my breakfast cereal he’s in a speech calling me racist. When he’s not sowing social discord he’s fucking up the money supply.

William the Conqueror wouldn’t give a rip if I want buy a hamburger or visit grandma or teach a kid fractions. It wouldn’t occur to an absolute monarch to declare I should wear a mask while walking on such and such a street on Tuesdays. Such things are madness. Yet, American governance in 2021 seems to delight in pissing off the citizenry.

William only cared that the taxes were paid. I’m not sure but I think the taxes were much lower in William’s time too. Biden would crawl up my ass and build a homestead there if he could. William was a hard ass that settled down to be a pretty decent King. Biden’s a space cadet that wants to be a God.

Biden: “Boxers or briefs, the choice is clear. Depends! If you don’t make the same choice as I, you’re a terrorist white supremacist troublemaker. I’m proposing the new Underwear Selection Initiative to help you avoid racist underwear choices.”

William the Conqueror: “Underwear? Who gives a shit? You paid your taxes. I’m happy. Go away.”

That’s the funny part. William killed his way to power but then led well. So people accepted him more with each passing year; especially after he’d consolidated power and started building churches and roads and shit.

Compare that to Biden. Dude’s been around for 50 years doing nothing but corruption and bullshit. He finally cheats his way into power at an age when the average person is dead. He thinks he’s Caesar, sucks like Carter, and rules like a chimpanzee. He’s a meat puppet who cheated with 3:00 am Dominion counts. He’s earned no goodwill and becomes less popular every day.

Here’s the scary part: everyone else hates him too.

It’s no big deal when I hate a loser, but this time it’s different. My bitching about the election in 2020 isn’t tinfoil hat, flat earth, space aliens, bullshit. If I was some rare weirdo blogger with a nutty pet theory that would be great. I’m not.

When Biden was sworn in, something like 40% of the nation though his “win” was bullshit. Even if Biden won fair and square and his amazing record vote count is real, 40% disbelief demonstrates the selection process didn’t convince “we the people”. That’s a problem. President Potato has got to level up if he’s going to be the boss.

[When I wrote this I didn’t have Google to check. The number wasn’t 40% it was 47%. This is an absolute true fact: On January 2021 America swore in a man that 47% of the population believe to be a usurper. Go back and read that last sentence a second time. Read it aloud if you must. Read it to your cat. Ponder those eighteen words. Even if Biden really won, nobody believes him. That’s a thing we’re living through right now.]

My last post talked about how uber-Viking and walking corpse factory Harald Sigurdsson, King of Norway tried to become the King of England. Cliffs notes version: Harald had been absolute hard core killing machine for decades but he’d gotten old. He died in battle and probably gave everyone in Valhalla a wedgie that night.

England got less than a month’s peace before the next guy gave it a shot. William the Bastard, Duke of Normandy, arrived on the scene. William had some very solid arguments why he was the legitimate successor. In the battle of Hastings, William explained his arguments by killing lots of Englishmen. He kept killing English soldiers until the English King, Harold Godwinson, was dead. That’s how William got to be the new English King. You’d think killing Englishmen would be bad for your prospects as an English leader but that’s incorrect. Nobody gives a shit about the peons or the soldiers. Ever.

William the Bastard was now William the Conqueror and he wanted to shore up his claim. To do this he did everything the modern woke movement does. The only difference is people in the old days lived in real life and not Twitter; so violence back then wasn’t words, it was violence. Every question about William’s claim to the throne was officially declared misinformation. Misinformation was banned. For several years various Nobles raised small armies and attempted to “petition for redress of grievances”. William’s army killed them.

William spent a solid decade deplatforming people who questioned the narrative. It worked. Soon he controlled the Overton Window. You could agree with William or you could die. If you agreed but came from the opposing political party, you’d probably die anyway. William handled questions of governance and open discussion just like mainstream journalists manage Republicans in 2021.

William did his time’s version of “draining the swamp”. He wanted his Nobility to support his Regime. Trump couldn’t get the military to retreat from Afganistan or IHS to build a wall. William didn’t want to deal with that Never Trump shit. He fixed the swamp by ejecting the entire ruling class.

Just like now, he’d take a good look at a Nobleman who’d been born and raised and lived his entire life in England and assess whether the guy needed canceling. He did this by asking “does this nobleman who is born of English nobility seem to be English? Does he speak English? Does he look pale? Does he like fish and chips?” If that was the case, he was toast. His lands would be seized and he’d replaced by a recent immigrant from Normandy. Diversity is our strength!

Call it a “canceling” if you will. William canceled everyone who didn’t look like, share opinions with, have family ties to, and act in accordance with, William. William wasn’t a total asshole. Some English nobles weren’t killed, just the vast majority of them. Actually I’m not sure about that. I don’t know how many Dukes and Earls survived. Maybe none did?

Anyway, once the land and royal titles were redistributed away from the filthy Deplorables in flyover country to the new sophisticated Europeans who were on the right side of history, William was happy. Everyone in English politics spoke French and they agreed that William was universally loved. You know discussions in social media where everyone has the same opinion because if you don’t share that view you’re already banned? William the Conqueror would love it.

What does it mean related to 2021? Maybe it means I ought to recognize corrupt successions as such. At the very least they’ve happened before and will happen again. I can be pissed but neither Godwinson nor Harald nor William gave a shit about peons like me. Same could be said of virtually every living human in DC right now. They do not give a flying fuck about my careful reading of Constitutional law or worried analysis of Electoral statistics.

In 1066 English King Godwinson was put in the big chair to replace King Edward who was dead. This was done by a counsel of “wise men”. So the succession is done right? Nah! Harald Sigurdsson, King of Norway wanted to have a little discussion about the matter. Harald had some sort of justification as to why he ought to be king. Among his arguments were a complicated family tree and terrifying abilities to kill. His boats landed eight months after the coronation. Harald unloaded his army and did what Harald normally did to announce his arrival. He began killing everything in sight. Godwinson was up against a legendary foe!

This wasn’t King Harald’s first rodeo. He’d been killing people since his opponent, King Godwinson, was a child. Unfortunately(?), it also meant he was old. King Harald wasn’t the complete death machine of his youth. He died in battle. His lifetime as an absolute boss (both in tactical prowess and athletically bludgeoning people to death) came to an end on English soil.

Harald, might have given England the most powerful (and terrifying) monarch it had ever seen. He was now “the corpse formerly known as Sigurdsson” and that was that. [In case you’re wondering, it’s not uncommon to be King of more than one Kingdom at the same time. King Harald’s prowess with cleaving skulls had built an impressive empire.]

History reminds me we are all mortal; even Harald. He was a Viking’s Viking; the ultimate bad ass. The kind of guy that would make us shit our pants if we saw him walking down the street. He’d take on anyone, anywhere, anytime, for any reason. He was less a man than a tank in human form.

Time always wins. When England was weak, Harald was too old to seize the opportunity. He tried and failed; he literally died trying.

Does any of this sound familiar to Americans in 2021? Can we think of a leader reduced to inadequacy due to age? Try this experiment; whip out Google and watch a speech by Biden from 20 years ago. I’ve done this. I’m not kidding about how it will affect you. Give yourself 5 minutes and watch him from any time from about 1990 to about 2010. The topic doesn’t matter. Watch his vocabulary, grasp of details, presentation, presence. I’m no fan of Biden but he wasn’t always a drooling shell. Then, watch a speech given by the man in 2021. Force yourself to watch it. Don’t listen to a talking head “journalist” summarize it, watch the actual man say actual words. It’s almost painful.

I end this post with a salute to King Harald. If he didn’t wind up in Valhalla, the place doesn’t exist. (Don’t bore me with blather about baptized Vikings… Harald went to Valhalla because that’s where hard core motherfuckers like him go.) Biden, meanwhile, was never tough enough to wash Harald’s codpiece. Biden’s Corn Pop story is what happens when a lying wuss wants to feel like Harald.

I’ll also note that Harald didn’t stroke out in a chair (like FDR) and King Godwinson didn’t dispatch him with a sternly worded letter. One died in battle and the other was there to make that death happen. Neither one called a “lid” and toddled off to get an ice cream cone.

So, was Harald’s claim to the throne valid? Nobody cares. He died.

A thousand years ago Edward the Confessor was mostly regarded as a good English King. He kicked the bucket. Naive man that I am, I assumed he’d planned for a suitable heir he found somewhere in the inbred family tree. Thus, a mature and well trained offspring specifically and clearly designated by the King would take the throne. God I’m such a fool!

The English nobility formed a council of “wise men”. Their job was to manage the power vacuum and pretend to be sad about the King’s death. I’m sure deliberations of the “wise men” was as stupid, immoral, and corrupt as the jackoffs in our Congress. Just as our Congress can’t even shit out a mangled unbalanced budget once a year without shenanigans, the “wise men” did shady backroom deals too.

[Note: as of February 2022, Congress hasn’t managed to shit out a federal budget. The government is running under the latest in a series of continuing resolutions. This happens often, sometimes many years in a row. During eight years of the Obama presidency there were relatively few true budgets. In 2022 I’d guess there will be no budget until after the election.]

Merry old England’s “wise men” reached into an orifice and found proof that the King had made a deathbed designation. Just before he croaked he said he wanted Harold Godwinson to be his successor. What was the proof? “Shut up or we’ll kill you” was the proof.

That’s how Godwinson wound up on the throne. If you think it sounds fishy, you’re disloyal to the Monarch. Pissing off the King drives up your life insurance rates.

Not everyone was delighted with the “Godwinson was designated in a room where you weren’t present but trust us” explanation but they rolled with it. People of the time understood that things were corrupt.

Are there any analogies to compare to now? Sure!

Back when there was snow on the ground, some Americans complained about a possibly tainted election. In January 2021 they “petitioned government for redress of grievances” to address this issue. That right was originally written into the Magna Carta (1215). It percolated through English common law until it was copy/pasted to the American First Amendment (1790).

Predictably, the First Amendment right wasn’t honored. It’s 2021 and the law isn’t the law. Isn’t that what my study of history is trying to teach me?

So American citizens have a Constitutionally protected right to “petition for redress of grievances” with an 806 year precedent. Of course, their concerns were ignored. It’s 2021 so that’s a given. Also something like 725 citizens were arrested. That’s new to America but common in lesser nations; like Uganda or whatnot. America is not devolving to a lesser nation’s lack of law; it’s already there.

[Note: in 2022 the FBI was still seeking 350 individuals to add to the original 725 it arrested. Who are these three hundred stealthy supervillians? Shut up and watch your ass or it might be you! (See how that works?) I also did a quick Google search to find out how many political prisoners are still in jail in 2022. It wasn’t clear and Google wishes I’d stop asking before I’m put on another list. The best I got was about 70 are convicted and processed. The rest are rotting in jail.

Like any subject of an objectively dangerous totalitarian regime I used VPN and privacy tactics. I did this even through I was searching for legally obtainable data. Like any totalitarian dystopia, the fact that I (or someone) Googled that question has been logged.]

[Note: In case you’re wondering “the right to a speedy and public trial” is in the American Constitution’s Sixth Amendment (1790). If you think 13 months in the pen isn’t “speedy” enough you’re a terrorist. Seriously, Biden and the press have declared you a terrorist. Asshole! Now you might get shit on by social media, or your bank might lock your finances, or maybe you’ll just get fucked by the FBI. (See how that works?)]

Anyway, somewhere between 700 and maybe an eventual 1000 citizens indefinitely detained for at least a year is isn’t the same as King Godwinson’s power but it’s on the spectrum. I assume dungeons suck worse than prisons but at that point aren’t we splitting hairs?

No matter what anyone says, indefinitely detained is indefinitely detained.

It’s new to me that America has political prisoners. That used to be a thing for the Russians or Chinese or North Koreans. In 2021 it’s something America does. That’s because the election of 2020 failed.

[Note: In early spring 2021 all of this was still a bit of a “conspiracy theory”. As with most recent “conspiracy theories”, it’s now fact. To clear the air, the following things are true in 2022: nobody has been charged with the actual crime of insurrection, the FBI had informants crawling all over the event, no Government employee was harmed, some “petitioners” were shot and killed by Government employees, the only people who used weapons were Government employees, and most who were arrested haven’t had their day in court. I’ll add that it’s only my opinion that Mike Pence demonstrated that he’s a douchebag but that’s probably pure fact too.]

It’s all a bit annoying because I like laws with written words. I’d almost prefer it if Nancy Pelosi wandered down to the National Archives Building to see the actual physical Constitution, whipped out a marker, and wrote “the King can throw you into a dungeon if you piss him off”. Why not? That’s exactly what Biden has done. If there’s still room in the margins, Pelosi might add “if Covid makes us scared we can do any damn thing we want”.

The real point is this: the King is the King, because he’s the King. It doesn’t matter if he arrived based on a sketchy election in 2020 or some committee’s bullshit story in 1066.

Did the Edward the Confessor really designate Harold Godwinson with his last dying breath? Who the fuck knows? I doubt it. Regardless, it wasn’t a clean and obvious succession like in fairy tales. The “fact” that the King made a choice on his deathbed is somewhere between sketchy and possible but English subjects agreed with it because they knew the system was corrupt; unlike their counterparts in 2021 who are still in jail.

I slowly digest this. My American tendency to fret over an election that smelled fishy is catching up with the way things have always been. If they have thrown you in jail, then they can throw you in jail.

That’s depressing so I’ll continue the story in my next post.

Pondering history has advantages but only if it’s distant. No politician in 2021 has a campaign speech with fake tales of swordsmanship during the Battle of Hastings (1066). Instead, every geezer in DC stood shoulder to shoulder with Martin Luther King. Mr. King, who actually existed, has become a placeholder in the invented memories (or fake stories) told to win votes. That’s why I look far back in time. I need to go so far back that it pre-dates Nancy Pelosi. The year 1066 just barely does it.

History has taught me a more realistic view of governance. The first notion that history shitcanned was that “lawful” succession is the normal way. I had the idea a King had such and such powers. Among them, the King could designate an heir and it was law. If the heir was a loser, tough shit! The King said so; thus it had to be. Holy Macbeth was I naive!

“Lawful succession” is total crap. The King is mortal. When he dies he’s a corpse. What happens next may be wise and stable succession as befits a reasoned and intelligent society. Or it may be a bloody shitshow. Sometimes elites and oligarchs really did their level best to follow a path that’s best for their society. Just as often, blithering idiots set society on fire so they could rule over the ashes.

Through it all, traditions, laws, and plans were made and ignored. Once the old King’s body is cold, the man who becomes the new King is up for discussion. Who “ought” to become King is irrelevant.

Also a leader’s powers are what they are, not what they’re supposed to be. A King’s powers are supposedly absolute but that’s bullshit. The King can do exactly what he can manage and not one inch more. If he’s strong and popular, his power is great. If he’s weak and stupid, his power is limited (possibly even nonexistent). None of this has to do with tradition, law, governing documents, or whatever remained after the Magna Carta (1214) was signed. It’s simply true.

Life isn’t fair; any leader, even a King, can be screwed over by chance. A lost battle or a plague is the same as a bad decision or moral flaw. An American president presiding over a recession usually gets hosed regardless of whether he is the cause. Alternatively, the only time I’ve seen a president defeated after fostering a roaring economy was in 2020. (One of many mysteries about 2020.)

The official narrative is irrelevant. The King is in charge right? Wrong! If the King sucks, he’s not in charge and everyone knows it.

If a King’s a moron or has an unfortunate mental defect (quite common in the inbred House of Habsburg) someone else is calling the shots. If he’s healthy but has a track record as a fuck up, everyone knows to work around him.

A bad King is just a loser with an expensive hat. We see the same in America in 2021. How much respect would you have if meeting Thomas Jefferson? How much would you have if meeting Joe Biden? How many orders given by Trump were faithfully and effectively executed by his employees? The conspiracy theory that the FBI was actively spying on him is now established fact. A king’s court may be a hive of liars and a modern bureaucracy may perform the same function.

Washington DC did everything it could to stop deplorable Trump from functioning as President. Now it does what it can to cover for decrepit Biden.

Who’s in charge if not the King? In 2021 nobody thinks Biden is running the show. The dude can’t manage… anything. Would you let Biden care for your infant? A puppy? A goldfish? Would you let him change a diaper? Could he compile your taxes? Would you back him in a poker game? Could he beat you in chess?

Biden couldn’t hold down a job as a pizza delivery man. Think about that! I mean just sit back and spend a full minute on that concept (use a timer!). The man is said to have gotten America’s record highest vote tally of all time. He’s the Commander in Chief of the armed forces. He’s neither physically nor mentally capable of holding down a job delivering pepperoni pizza. He can’t drive, he can’t walk, he couldn’t navigate, he can barely talk. He couldn’t handle the mental work to select five correct pizzas from the outgoing set and deliver them to the five matching addresses. He’d die trying to do it in twenty minutes. Nineteen year old minimum wage flunkies handle job tasks our “president” can’t manage.

Biden clocks out at a half day’s work and calls it a “lid”. Do you? We don’t let fourteen year old high school children skip class to take a nap. Biden does it and we pretend it’s normal. Tell your boss you need to cancel task because you “got tired” at noon. Do it several times a week. See how it plays out. The most powerful man on earth can’t manage the stress of your job; so who’s shouldering Biden’s stressful job?

Like some Kings at the end of their reign, Biden is closer to dead than alive. We all know that. Every time he’s speaks on live TV a staffer has a heart attack. I took for granted a long string of sentient people who did the job for which they’re elected. Our system usually does well. This time it failed.

A King who can’t even deliver a pizza is not running the kingdom.

History hints what happens when the King is a loser. When the King’s a placeholder maybe a local Bishop discretely pulls the strings. If he’s belligerent, a handful of Dukes and Earls might have a little talk with His Majesty about how he might have a hunting accident. If he raises taxes too much he might have a revolt on his hand. If the King is mildly incompetent it’s hidden by the court. If he’s massively incompetent, even the peasants know. If he fucks up beyond a certain point, regicide may become necessary. Sometimes everyone cheers when it happens. There’s no law of the universe saying the King is always competent. There’s no populace that respects a loser.

Back to succession, I once simply assumed the King’s eldest son was his heir. “Prince whomever of this or that inbred family” would become the King. That’s the rule. Follow the rule right?

Wrong! Someone winds up on the throne. Then it’s retroactively explained as “the way it had to be”. If a better or more legitimate candidate was fucked over because he was off on the Crusades or knifed in the back, that’s how it goes. Any complaints to that nature are unfortunate conspiracy theories which will get you kicked off social media.

I’ve had a fabulous time sailing and camping. Nature provides the sanity we monkeys so desperately need. After a few days of sailing (with no more gopher interactions) I was relaxed and ready to reflect on what is becoming the second year of madness.

My thoughts turn to succession. One of the greatest strengths of America is that no president can screw up longer than eight years. (This wasn’t a problem until Franklin Delano Roosevelt welded his ass to the big chair. Thank God he finally died.)

Hmm… lets go on a tangent for a bit: FDR won his fourth term as an aging and physically frail man who hid his declining health from the populace. Toward the end he was barely able to perform his duties. Sound familiar? Does one suppose there’s anything we can learn about this in 2021?

Anyway, America created the 22nd amendment to limit any one person’s power. Taking action to limit dangerous (and successful) power grabs is what adults in functioning societies do. A republic (for those who understand the definition) can be stable.

Nothing is perfect. FDR’s twelve year, four election, powertrip, steamrolled the system. America rebounded but our system has, once again (hopefully temporarily), failed.

Something went amiss in November 2020. You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it. Even if you hate Orange man and got every political event you desired, you know it wasn’t clean.

We watched America’s every four years attempt to obtain “the consent of the governed” and assure peaceful succession fail. Don’t pretend otherwise. We all know it. The election failed to do what elections are supposed to do.

Does it have to burn us to ash? Maybe not. Bad succession is going to happen sometimes.

—

What’s great about history is that events of 1,000 years ago aren’t clouded by emotional bullshit of the participants. I get a clearer understanding of the succession following Edward the Confessor’s passing (1066, England) than I have of Nixon’s resignation (1974, United States). Nixon’s denouement is too close to the hearts of Boomers and “journalists”. Fond memories of when they were young and virile and righteously (?) ruining a man they detest are too delicious to fade to mere facts. Fifty years have passed but aging eyes see youth through rose colored glasses. Their heroic inner story has been told and retold until the details are worn smooth. It’s a symbolic koan that may be false recollection.

I am Gen X. I neither voted for nor protested against Nixon. It’s been 50 years and I’m absolutely sick of hearing the story. A handful of Boomers got high in the mud at Woodstock and somehow this defeated “the man” and now “the man” is that very group. All this is supposed to mean something to me. Why? I grew up in a different world. There was the shadow of complete nuclear annihilation, AIDS, the war on drugs, a shitty economy, cars that sucked, and the leviathan state was growing then too. Tie wearing mas transit riders in DC imposed a fucking 55MPH speed limit on every Wyoming rancher.

That’s my time. As every Gen X person knows, nobody gives a shit about my time. But it’s why I don’t fret over Watergate. The corruption I’ve seen in my life makes Nixon’s half assed spying seem pathetic. Hillary or Obama did more shit by breakfast than Nixon’s “Plumbers” pulled in a lifetime. Nobody cares. That’s the point, memories should be personal and not mass media product shoved up some other generation’s ass. I had a walkman, a mullet, and a truck that ran on leaded gas. They were all awesome… to me. It was a great time… for me. Nobody else cares and I know that. That’s why I don’t bitch at Millenials to genuflect to my world (which they never experienced).

The Nixon thing will be clearer when the Boomers are gone. Right now seemingly every damn one of them played a key role… in everything. Obviously, that can’t be true. Most folks were just going about normal lives. Nobody wants to admit they spent the “summer of love” working at a cement plant; so nobody tells that story.

Thus, events as fact are probably very different than the story’s feeling. In the story a “movement” defeated villainous Nixon. Who knows? I personally can’t imagine journalists as the good guys. I know they think they’re a force for good and maybe that was true 50 years ago but I just can’t see it. I don’t even have books with the truth of 50 year old events. Maybe if I live much longer than every Boomer, some brave historian will write an unbiased history. And maybe I’m a Chinese jet pilot.

[Editorial note: if what I said about recent history being bent, folded, and spindled in memories of the living seems odd, consider this: Joe Biden in January 13, 2022 made a speech where he fondly remembered his arrest during the civil rights movement. As far as anyone can tell it only happened in Biden’s mind.

A grown man telling stories at a podium about something that didn’t happen to people who don’t believe it. It’s creepy! Maybe I’m an outlier but I won’t even lie about the size of the fish I caught. When Biden tells barstool stories about danger-thug Corn Pop it’s as real as the news from Lake Woebegone.

While campaigning, Biden talked about black Americans in Wilmington Delaware in 1962 as if they were Kalahari Bushmen. He says children in Delaware in 1962 were fascinated by the golden hair on his white legs. Creepy! As if people in Delaware in 1962 hadn’t seen a white man? Delaware is not Nigeria.

Incidentally, I do enjoy the comedy gold of the Corn Pop story. It reminds me of Al Bundy’s “four touchdowns for Polk High”. Fictional Al was a shoe salesman loser who actually made the touchdowns. Real life President Biden was a lifeguard in Delaware. Over the years he’s elaborated his brief stint in a generic high school summer job into a gang war. It’s both hilarious and pathetic. As a teenager I sometimes stacked hay bales. Shall I make up a story about the bear I wrestled in the hay fields?

Anyone who makes up elaborate stories about high school is someone who peaked in high school. This was the point of Al Bundy’s touchdowns.]