Billy Deploys An Attitude Adjustment: Part 01: Night At the Convenience Store

Achmed Hussein Muhammad adjusted his cheap polyester uniform and took a deep breath. He needed this.

Grievance Studies was a surprisingly difficult major. There was just so much bullshit to learn. Every “fact” was contradicted by some other “fact” and none of them were objectively true. In the end, his grade was determined by his level of obeisance toward Dr. Simone Moonglow Lenin Rothchild; who was not only a shrieking harpy, but hated him for being unforgivably male. Even worse, Achmed’s visa required him to continue his studies or return to his home country.

Achmed shuddered, returning home was unthinkable! There were an unknown number of little Achmeds running around. Each was correlated with a very angry young lady: Each young lady had at her disposal several brothers and cousins.

When shit got serious Achmed made a break for it. It had been a close call. He’d boarded a plane and took flight literally minutes before a horde descended on the airport. From his tiny window on the ten-seat plane, he watched the crowd burn his town’s small rural airport to the ground.

He definitely was not going back!

Karma, however, cannot be denied. Despite making a natural 20 on the real life saving throw of the airport incident, things hadn’t worked out. He’d pushed his luck by trying for an “easy” major when he’d filed for refugee status in the States. He deeply regretted choosing Grievance Studies over something much less mind-bending; like nuclear physics. Thus, for his sins, Achmed was sentenced to a baccalaureate in contradictory beliefs and groveling. He shrugged, compared to the fate awaiting him back home, it was a fair deal.

Achmed’s mental release valve was his job. Four nights a week he manned a convenience store. It was the furthest thing possible from bickering nitwits at the campus. Aside from a few drunks, he would spend the next several hours in a completely unremarkable setting. He was looking forward to a restful shift.


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Billy Deploys An Attitude Adjustment: Part 00: Squirrel Week Begins Now

In case you were afraid I’d started taking life seriously (as if!), put that concern out of your head right now. I hereby declare this week will be exclusively squirrels.

The next several posts will explore the Church of Awesome, alternate currencies, and (as always) the immense power of bullshit.


If you wish to fund further bullshit generation (without the menace of disco to make it nefarious) click here:

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If you have no idea what I’m talking about, pour yourself a cup of coffee, bourbon, or both (!) and start reading Attack of the Lesbian Squirrels:





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Good News That Nobody Notices

Did anybody notice yesterday’s awesome news?

“The Dow’s highest closing record is 21,796.55 set on July 27, 2017….

That [2017 year to date] is the second-fastest rise in U.S. history. The record is the 24 sessions it took to go from 10,000 to 20,000 in 1999.

Here are the 28 records set in 2017.”

Sure, it’s just a statistic. Obviously, stocks vacillate up, down, and unpredictably. Yet breaking records 28 times this year probably isn’t bad news. If the President had a D after his name the media would be orgasmic. Of course, the current guy has an R so success generates radio silence. I can’t say I blame them. If the press actually noticed good news the Orange Menace would say something sarcastic like “are you tired of winning yet” and then the press would cry and be sad. Who wants sad journalists?

Luckily I’m here to point out good news when nobody else will. Don’t let caterwauling about impending doom get you down; 2017 had the highest steepest increase in the last 18 years. It’s nice to hear regardless of your political affiliation. Enjoy good news whenever you hear it.

Also, it’s Friday!

A.C.

P.S. I suspect my readers are more mathematically inclined than the average bear. Some are surely thinking rising stock indices are indicative of unreported inflation. Economics allows one to look at a silver lining and postulate a cloud. You never know if good news is bad or vice versa. No wonder it’s called the dismal science.

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Amazon: More Ideal Timing

So I spent yesterday alternatively bitching about and making peace with Amazon. Then at the very end of the day I read this:

“Jeff Bezos was briefly the world’s richest person on Thursday. The recent surge in Amazon stock has pushed Bezos’ fortune to over $90 billion, vaulting him past Bill Gates.”

That came on the very day I got unreasonably quick delivery… and got pissed off. The. Same. Day.

It’s safe to say that Amazon is gonna’ do what it’s gonna’ do. It would be madness for the world’s richest man (however briefly) to listen to the whining of a hack blogger from Nowheresville. They’ll keep providing me with awesome goods I love and pissing me off by trying to sell me shit I glanced at two weeks ago. I’ll be buying shit from Amazon and periodically surfing with Brave whenever it annoys me for a long time to come.

P.S. Lawdog, if you’re listening (which is doubtful) thanks for the heads up on the pens. Love em!

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Amazon: You’re Killin’ Me Here!

So I bitched that Amazon is torturing me with stupid ads. Then I got a delivery faster than reasonably expected and forgave them.

Then I checked the link that I’d used and… those fuckers took it away!

I’m not making this up:

Yesterday evening I was inspired by Lawdog who likes pens. I ordered a set of three cheap pens from Amazon. It wasn’t a mission critical supply run. I’ve got pens. Also I could drive to town and back trying to buy them locally. (Locally I’d probably find those style of pens were out of stock, the store was closed, and fuck you ya’ stupid consumer. Capitalism in the hinterland is a strange thing. Customer service sometimes verges on the Soviet. Don’t laugh, while us deplorable rubes are getting ignored, urbane airline passengers are getting beaten. Same shit, different location.)

So there I was… Amazon wanted $7.79 (free shipping… all hail Prime). But what’s this? A third party seller? I clicked “other sellers on Amazon” and found the same thing for $5.00 (free shipping included) from a company that rhymes with Orifice Despot.

Who wouldn’t want to save a few bucks? I clicked on the $5 option and printed out the “receipt”. It said something about delivery in August(!). Whoa, that’s slow! But it’s just a pen and I did make the cheap choice. I muttered darkly about Sears and prepared to wait a week and a half.

The next day, before the coffee pot was drained, the pens arrived. How cool is that? Just in time delivery really is a miracle! I dashed off a quick apology to the great database in the sky and put up a link to other people who want Lawdog inspired writing implements.

Just now I realized the $5 option I saw yesterday…. is gone. Amazon took the damn thing away! I don’t know if you, my readers, can save $2.79 by ordering from Orifice Despot but Amazon censored it from my view.

Those dirty rotten stinking shitheads!

Apparently I have co-dependency issues with Amazon. (I’m loving the instant and cheap Kindle download of Lawdog’s book while grumbling over the planer ad when I turn the infernal device on. Note: the book is good. I already own a fucking planer. I think I should switch to decaf.)

If you’ll excuse me it’s time to turn off this damn computer. I’m going to stack wood and think about squirrels.

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Amazon: Well Played

So, Amazon is continually shoving specific powertools in my face and I bitched about it. Meanwhile I ordered pens because “don’t be evil” (yes I know it’s Google and not Amazon… tomAto / tomAHto) sometimes loses to “I’m not driving into town for a $5 item”.

Lawdog inspired me about pens. On impulse I ordered a cheap three pack. I made the order around 6 pm.

They arrived the next day at 10 am. Sixteen hours? Free shipping?

Holy shit!

Amazon… I’m sorry we fought. I apologize. Anyone who can take an order after close of business and have it in my hand before lunch the next day (even though I live in West Bumblefuck Nowhere)… wins. Wins big.

Well played Amazon.

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Amazon: Give It A Rest

I live in the Styx so I use Amazon. Internet shopping is a big deal to me; it significantly improved life in the middle of nowhere. If I had to limit my purchases to the scant selection within an hour’s drive or so I’d feel like a caveman banging two rocks together. Life would be like this:

“Hi, I want to buy a hard drive for a laptop, book of Medieval history, a spice grinder, a bag of good coffee, and a spark plug for a Stihl.”

“Tough shit. Here’s a mouse, People magazine, a crock-pot, a can of Folgers… and a spark plug for a Stihl.”

So yeah, I order a lot of stuff from Amazon and like the service. But sometimes they’re idiots and that piss me off.  Right now they’re driving me nuts!

Last weekend I had an “issue” with a “PAWIRNEATT” and posted Crowdsource Question: Do I Need A Thickness Planer? The answer came back… yes. (OK it was more complicated than that. There were caveats and pros and cons. A few options were explored and a few alternatives came to light. But the clear consensus was “there’s a tool designed to solve the problem you’re bitching about, so come to your senses and buy it”. Sometimes I can think myself into stupidity and I thank my readers for the reality check.)

So I started researching. I posted a followup with an uncreative name; Crowdsource Question: Do I Need A Thickness Planer? Followup. Meanwhile I was finding out all I could, reading specifications of planers, reviews, comparing models, etc… I did this on line as well as meatspace. (What an unpalatable word!)

Then I made my decision. I bought a planer. Mission accomplished! I posted Crowdsource Question: Do I Need A Thickness Planer? Conclusion and figured I was done with it.

Elapsed time? About a week.


But now I’m doomed. Amazon won’t stop trying to sell me a Goddamn thickness planer! Every fucking web page, every blog I read, every time I click anything anywhere some douchebag is putting an ad in my face: “Wanna’ buy a planer?” “You won’t believe these photos of a planer.” “Planers on sale at planers.com.” “Free shipping on planers.” “Back to school sale on planers.” “Lonely planers in your area looking for companionship.” “This time Trump really did something crazy, and here’s an ad for a planer.” Planers, planers, planers.

Christ on a cracker… it’s enough to make me set the wifi antenna on fire!

Occasionally I get spam-like email from Amazon (we have a Prime account). This week’s junk mail is a fucking text AI machine driven ode to thickness planers. I clicked on Amazon to buy a pen and it showed me photos of planers. “People who bought this pen also liked… planers!” On my Kindle (resistance is futile) I’ve been reading Lawdog; every time I turn it on there’s an ad for a damn thickness planer.

I probably will never buy another planer in my life, or at least not for many years. Amazon’s AI hasn’t figured this out and it’s going to annoy the living shit out of me until either I research some other object or I change my name and move to a mud hut in Botswana.

This is how I know true AI ‘aint just around the corner. Amazon’s algorithms are pretty powerful by current standards and all they’ve got is “this guy looked at a toaster… hurl toaster ads at him until his ears bleed”. Jerks!


P.S. Before you bury me in internet security advice be aware I do all of that stuff. (Or most of it.) I can and do access the internet in ways that make algorithms go “who are you stranger, would you like to buy something generic like the a book about Sparkly vampires that is popular generally but would make you specifically retch?” (Old example.) This clearly indicates that useful profiles, cookies, tracking, etc… are missing or at least hampered. It’s just that AC the blogger finds Amazon’s marketing as subtle as a sledge hammer and expects better.

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Kid Rock

[I’ve waded back into politics. Bear with me because it’s only temporary. I’m inspired by the idea of freedom getting out in the sun again. You may be wondering; “how can AC, who at least tries to sound rational, enjoy the idea of a freak like Kid Rock”? All I can say is bawitdaba!]


Kid Rock may run for office? It could be a spoof, it could be a marketing ploy, it could be a nothingburger, or… it could be the real deal. If it’s real I’ve got one thing to say: Outstanding!

He would seriously stir the pot. Like dropping a grenade in the bucket of thin gruel they’ve been calling sustenance. And why the hell not? I’m all for it. The post election tsunami of butthurt tells me the job ‘aint done yet! So lets do this thing! Shake shit up until the snowflakes either make peace with life on earth or shatter into component molecules!

TownHall sums it up best:

“The news that Southern-fried rock/rapper Kid Rock will be running for some timeserving Dem hack’s Senate seat in Michigan should make every normal American smile and spill a 40 to his homies. The future Senator Rock deserves your eager support for two critical reasons: First, it will drive the liberals insane. Second, it will make George Will and the rest of Team Fredocon soil themselves.”

Make George Will shit his pants? Where do I sign up? (I once liked reading George Will. That was decades ago. He’s stuck now. Glorious wordsmithing and shiny metaphors can’t change the fact that he’s run out of either ideas or spirit. Will has become irrelevant; much like the newspapers that were his habitat.)

The elites made this powder keg. They pissed off us deplorables so completely that anything that makes ’em weep on their arugula gets a nod and a smile. Also, it’s nice to see someone who’s unabashedly patriotic. America is awesome… so let’s act like it! Would it kill politicians to like freedom? As far as I can tell, yes. So we turn from their sticky malignant embrace to Kid Rock. And if there’s going to be a shitstorm it’s better if it’s mostly audio.

A USO tour for the troops? It’s enough to make New York Times editors sneer in their soy latte.

Listen to Kid Rock in the video. Born Free! He rides a Harley without a helmet! (Which is probably safer than sex with Pamela Anderson.) He performs a whole song without bitching about climate, recycling, diversity, or entitlement funding. (Lets see hacks like Bruce Springsteen spend five minutes on stage without whining. In the past they could do it. Can they now?)

Kid Rock acts like a man who loves his country. I’d like to see more of that. It’s said that in real life he does nice things, tours with the USO, and his charity (unlike some others) actual does charity. We could do (and have repeatedly done) worse.

Western Rifle Shooters daydreams of Kid Rock paired with Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho in 2024. Be still my beating heart! (I endorsed Rob Anybody and Camacho for 2016… but Trump chased them both into a corner and beat them to death with a stick. What can I say? Thunderdome works but you don’t get to pick who’ll emerge from it.)

What the hell, since Kid Rock is in Michigan… add Ted Nugent to the  mix! Another noisy, freedom loving, rural, screaming nutcase. Why not? I hereby endorse Kid Rock/Ted Nugent ticket for President of Awesome in 2024. Did I just hear George Will’s tie start spinning? Did it fly off his starched shirt, glance off John McCain, and scatter Congress like cockroaches? That’s what I want. The squares had their chance. They blew it. Fuck ’em.

An insult to to the dignity of office? Hogwash! In 2016 Madonna was offering blowjobs for Hillary votes. In 2012 Mitt Romney and Barack Obama debated whether it’s better to put a dog on the car’s roof or serve it on a plate. If the next president is chosen by who can sing the loudest anthem to freedom while chugging a 40 of malt liquor on the hood of a Chevy… so be it!


It’s not as crazy as it sounds. Be careful dismissing unthinkable candidates.

Entertainers are inexperienced in politics? You mean like these guys who won elections?

It’s undignified for a performer to become a Senator.

A redneck cowboy will never have national appeal.

It’s beneath the dignity of the office to elect an actor with a background in body shaming.

Nobody ever votes third party.

Dignity is not the correct word for “evil party bullies the stupid party”. Nor is dignity meant to be code for “there can be no unauthorized opinions”. Now seems a ripe time for any candidate who acts free and likes America.


Update: Looks like Cold Fury is happy with the idea too.

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Buff Orpington Chickens

Knuckledragging My Life Away has a video of Buff Orpingtons.

Spot on! Of all the chickens I’ve tried, Buff Orpingtons are my favorite. They have a little less egg production than a Rhode Island Red but only a little. They result in less meat production than the mutants that are called “meatbirds” but meatbirds are gross.

Overall, Buffs are a nice “all uses” bird. In my opinion, they’re exceptionally good about living free range without finding ways to die. Plus they’re good at feeding themselves (in the right season) which does reduce the feed bill. They’ll eat every bug they can find, a lot of vegetation, frogs, worms, I’ve seen them eat small garter snakes… in fact they’ll remind you that chickens are just fluffy miniaturized dinosaurs. I can’t prove it but I think they did a good job reducing the tick population too. (Alas, they don’t seem to catch bees or mosquitoes… nothing is perfect.) All chickens are vulnerable and nature will kill a few no matter what breed, but Buffs have far more common sense than most breeds I’ve tried. A bunch of Buff hens and a good rooster is probably the best possible homestead flock.

Sigh, for a variety of reasons we’re chicken free this year. I don’t miss ’em in January but I do miss them in summer.

 

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Twitter Is Beneath The Dignity Of Office: Bullshit!

[Note: I fell off my my self constructed “limited politics” bandwagon. What can I say? If you are trying to rise above, feel free to skip the next few posts. I won’t mind. In the meantime I’ll get it out of my system and soon return to my core interests of obsessing over power tools and paranoid fiction about woodland creatures.]


I don’t have a Twitter account. Why would I?

That doesn’t mean I think other people should be forced to make the same decisions as me. That would be weird; almost as if I was an elite bi-coastal twat who reserves to himself to right to boss everyone around. That way lies madness!

From my point of view it’s fine if the President wants to speak freely. He’s a citizen like the rest of us. If he wants to emit 140 character expressions about whatever the fuck he’s thinking, I don’t much care. If it comes out stupid, then he looks like an ass. What’s to worry?

I don’t usually fisk but after a million articles about how Trump is a fool for sending messages directly to the people, I gotta’ do it. I randomly chose to curbstomp USA Today’s: “Could someone please delete Trump’s Twitter account”:

“Remember when presidents behaved with a certain dignity that reflected the gravity and responsibility of their office?”

No. I don’t remember that at all.

Direct communication via Twitter is beneath the dignity of office.

“…it would be nice if someone just shut down the man’s Twitter account.”

It would be nice if someone brought me a keg of beer. And I want a pony.

“Of course, the president can and should respond to his critics, although not necessarily all of them and not all the time and not with such a nasty tone. The way he does it really is beneath the dignity of the office.”

Fuck you.

“This is the man Republicans elected to office.”

Republicans don’t elect anyoneAmericans elect the president!

Take your fingers out of your ears and hear the words I am saying; “Americans elected Trump. Your countrymen did that! His 60 million odd voters live and work in your vicinity. They’re everywhere! They go to school, mow lawns, sleep, breathe, laugh, marry, have kids, drive cars, eat, and fuck. They do it in the same states, cities, and counties as elitist nitwits who pretend they don’t exist. They’re Americans! We’re not merely a nation of deconstructionist lectures at Ivy League monuments to irrelevancy. We’re more. We have monster trucks, milkshakes, motorcycles, football, firearms, and fun. Accept it, become one with it, and learn from this teachable moment. Trump did not emerge from the sea floor like the Kraken. He has been here, in America, all along.”

Also he sure as hell wasn’t the Republican party’s first choice. The party busted their ass trying to get rid of him.

“And maybe if enough of them spoke up, as some, including House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.), did Thursday, Trump might change his tone.”

What a novel idea! Maybe they could form a group specifically for the purpose of getting Trump to shut the hell up. They could call it “NeverTrump” and fail at everything.

“He could also take a page from former presidents who were also roundly criticized. Former President George W. Bush reportedly responded to comedians making fun of him with these words, according to Will Farrell in a story by The Hill: “He said: ‘I loved it…

Take a joke without flaking out? Are you talking about Trump who forwarded a joke or CNN who bellyflopped in response?

“But don’t count on Trump doing any of that.”

Virtually every member of the press thought Trump was dogmeat. They were wrong and he was right. Now he’s not taking advice from the people who were wrong? I’m shocked.

“This is the Trump people voted for, and it’s the Trump we’re stuck with.”

Now you get it! The people voted and you’re stuck with the outcome. It’s not a deep concept. Welcome to adulthood.


I’m surprised you haven’t experienced disappointment before. Maybe you’ve been lucky. Or maybe you grew up in a sequestered monastery? The rest of us know that sometimes your team loses. Democracy is like that. Freedom is like that.

Everyone has their first disappointment. Speaking as a guy who’s choices usually lose, I feel your pain. But you’ll come through this. I promise. Chill out and count to ten. Breathe deep. Drink a few beers, hug your kids, and ride out the storm. This is the Trump people voted for. Let it go.


This has happened before. I present another president who acted just like Trump. This asshole subverted the media and spoke directly to the people too! This raging bastard had off the cuff “fireside” chats with the American people. He used a new technology to make an end run around the print media. He discredited honored members of the press by exposing their irrelevancy. What a tool! He spoke directly and his every word was forwarded verbatim! He just spewed whatever was on his mind! He didn’t let the press filter his words. (Rumor also has it the jerk had dodgy health and wasn’t real forthcoming about the extent of it. So much for transparency.) What a jackass!

The good news is Trump is better than that. Trump shows restraint. Trump limits himself to 140 character slogans. This other guy rattled on a half an hour at a time. Once he kept it up for nearly 45 minutes! Thank goodness Trump’s Tweets are much shorter than the lengthy undignified ranting of this nut:

It is beneath the dignity of the office of President to speak directly to the American people.

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