[I wish I hadn’t named this the “Mr. Bean” but that boat has sailed. Last post I was enamored with the Rokon, an $8K 2WD motorcycle of the apocalypse. But I was unusually indecisive, as you’ll read if you continue.]
I was all set to buy a Rokon. It was -22 out. No hurry.
Then I slipped and fell on the ice. Suddenly the Rokon’s legendary harsh ride made me nervous. I’m getting old. My dog was getting old. We hobbled about together and thoughts of Rokons faded into thoughts of Ibuprofen.
Life is subject to external forces. None of this had to do with a failing of the machine.
Fearing I was sentenced to sitting on soft seats for a while, I restarted my search. Re-inventing the mental search routine from earlier cogitation but with different starting points I came up with the Can Am Outlander 6×6.
Just look at that thing! It’s pure brute strength in a machine that’s neither a regular ATV nor a standard side by side. It was weird enough to make me happy.
It’s clearly capable enough to go anywhere I’d care to go. I’d given up on street legal but gained what I thought was an easy ride… and enough carrying capacity to bring more camping gear than I own.
I feared I’d gone too weird. I was overthinking it.
On a bitter day I stopped at a ATV store (different for earlier posts) and tried a Polaris Razor. A Polaris Razor is a common side by side and one that would be default for any normal non-blogging not-weirdo.
Who am I to be so picky?
I test drove it and it just didn’t sing.
It was lamesauce drizzled on dull. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an impressive machine, but it has been attacked by lawyers. Throttle response though a slushy transmission made me feel like power was arriving by FAX. The whole thing, whether real or imagined, had the fly-by-wire feel of a carefully detuned fuel injection system designed in a committee meeting. What a bummer.
I got out and walked around. Why am I turned off by anything in the middle of the mass market?
I got back in and the thing slowed to a crawl. I’d forgotten to click the seatbelt and it had a special safety feature that put it on limp mode without the belt clicked. I was being lectured to by the machine! Oh that’s total bullshit in a velvet lined bullshit box!
I clicked the belt and muttered at the dash (resplendent with electronics)… “you’re dead to me”.
Back at the dealer I asked to drive a 6×6… any 6×6. He had none. Apparently, sane people can get by with 4 wheels. “Fine”, I sighed, “give me the keys to that one.” I waved vaguely at a generic ATV with a cargo bed on the back. I think it was a Polaris 570 with a slightly different feature set.
I’ve been using ATVs since they came with three wheels, but almost always for work. Never just for fun. My ATV is 20 years old but I didn’t expect any surprises. I was test driving an ATV with roughly similar powerplant to the Razor that had been “lawyered”.
WRONG!
It rode like this:
Here is an actual picture taken of me while riding:
Holy shit!
Yes, I looked like that rat! That rat is having fun. I had fun!
Where the side by sides and the ACE and the Razor all felt like layers of safety had cooked off every bit of fun… the basic ATV just took off. Zoom! I rode it like I was being chased by dragons. I tore into curves like I intended to break gravity. I got it up on two wheels, threw dirt, ripped sod, caught air, drifted, slid, bounced, and generally did shit that was unwise in the extreme. I only stopped because I was freezing in the cold. Also I knew I was getting sloppy with the last fractions of Newtonian physics I’d started slicing and dicing. Better park this thing before I wind up needing an x-ray.
I get it now.
Side by sides are safe for the kids. If you’re thinking of old people, wives, tax deductions, idiots on your work crew, or just generally allergic to fun… the side by side is tuned for you. Don’t get me wrong, they’re still neat. They’re beer in a world that has whiskey. I like beer. Everyone likes beer.
ATVs, at least the one I tested, have the same motor but without the bullshit. So much more excellence! Damn that test drive was fine!
Now I was sold on an ATV. Possibly the 6×6 but definitely no more piddling about with side by sides. Can Am was still looking better in the specs but I had only Polaris to test.
In my excitement, MSRPs were starting to creep up again. I started seeing $10K approaching on the horizon and approaching fast… but for a machine that’s just loaded with awesome.
Life, as always, had a vote in the matter. Spoiler alert… I never bought an ATV, at least not yet. More to come.
But you had fun pulling out the old Rat Fink pictures!
Ha – I still have some Rat Finks stashed away somewhere amidst my few remaining childhood treasures 😉
Illustrations from a more simpler and elegant time. Or something.
Loved the Rat Finks.
Rat Finks do not live by government or lawyeristic controls. Rat Finks just ride. Bad to the bone. Live Free, Die Hard (and with a smile on your face and bugs in your teeth!)
You might know this, living out in the country.
If you wanted to cross someone elses field to the woods on the other side, what is the proper etiquette to follow? Do you have to announce it to the owner? (I honestly don’t know which of several farmhouses the field belongs to.)
That’s a good question and depends on many variables. The classy thing to do is ask for permission. Pick any likely farmhouse at random and ask politely with hat in hand. If they don’t own the land they’ll know who does. If the place is very rural, by the time you leave farmhouse A heading to the actual owner at Farmhouse B, everyone in town will know you’ve made inquiries; so first impressions count.
You can also buy a plat map or see if that county’s plats are online. (This data is usually at the county level.) Then you’ll know who owns it. That’s good knowledge to have.
I’m a bit chickenshit about approaching strangers so my favored approach is always to check if there’s a back way to your desired patch of woods through some friendly or known ownership. This works out a lot more than you’d expect. The holy grail is a water route… those are awesome.
Just sauntering across the field is a mixed bag and very local. In some places it’s probably not so bad but in other locations it’s a good way to get your ass shot. If you’re going to saunter where you ought not be sauntering choose carefully which land you mess with, you’re less likely to get hassles from a huge faceless entity than a family or clan. Consider following a train track right of way or a timber company harvest road (many big timber companies specifically allow hiking and whatnot). A private owner who might take your unexpected presence personally.
You’ll get a lot better reception for hiking over anything mechanical. In most areas all private big game land is already spoken for but some folks are pretty chill about small game like squirrels or guys running a trap line. If you’re just hiking across land (with permission) to hunt in the forest (where you’re allowed to hunt), nobody’s going to get uptight about you carrying a rifle, but it’s best to have it out of sight or slung on your shoulder while in the open on land so you clearly look like a guy hiking and not like you’re hunting. All bets are off if you’re in occupied territory like California or New Jersey, I got no idea about open carry in those places.
Good luck. You might get a long way with polite humble asking for permission, especially if you look presentable. I look like a a hybrid between Grizzly Adams and a serial killer (don’t ask me, luck of the draw I guess) so I can’t always charm a stranger. It goes without saying you shouldn’t show up driving a Prius while asking around for access.
Good luck.
I thought ratfink was a humorous perjorative my uncle used! Apparently it’s a hot-rod cartoon character. Something new everyday.
Glad you had fun!
It’s a humorous perjorative also… sometimes not humorous.
The Rat Fink of the cartoons was from a car mag in the 60’s and 70’s IIRR
Got two Polaris 570’s. The two seater Touring models to take the kids. One for the wife and one for me. Great machines. Best thing I did was buy them a year old from a rental company that caters to the rich Californians that come in for vacation. The customers rode them easy and they kept them looking and running brand new. Got both for less than the price of one brand new and they threw in a 2nd set of tires for both.
One purchase I’ll never regret. Got a tow hitch for both to even pull a small trailer. Can carry more gear than I have for camping and a 2nd person to boot.
And yeah, they haul. Can’t help it but sometimes you gotta drive it like you stole it. About the same as your picture above.