The Curmudgeon Seeks A Safe Space In History: Part 2

I listen to history lectures as an alternative to bullshit on the radio. This is mostly successful but the lecturers have bias too. One went all girl power over Emma of Normandy.

Was it a one off thing? Nope. It happened again.

In a different set of lectures (possibly the same professor) the focus turned to Eleanor of Aquitaine. As before, it started dripping with 2018 sensibilities the minute the professor had a female to discuss.

Curmudgeonly History (don’t worry, there won’t be a test): Born in 1124, Eleanor of Aquitaine was connected like the Gambino family. As heir to the Duchy of Aquitaine she was also Europe’s most desirable bride:

Her father Duke William X died leaving her in the guardianship of King Louis VI of France. Guardianship includes finding a proper betrothal. He scoured the entirety of Christendom and determined that by golly, wouldn’t you know it, the best possible solution was that her tracts of land marry into his family. Raise your hand if you didn’t see that coming.

The King’s eldest son had died so he booted up the auxiliary backup son (who’d been groomed for monastic life) and married the two pawns together. Thus, at roughly age 13 Eleanor was bound to a hapless prince who soon became King Louis VII of France.

What a mess. Louie was a balless lovesick fool. Eleanor treated him like a doormat and scandalized the court by being a medieval party girl. She was doing blow off the royal mirrors while hubby whined about decorum. The lecturer oozed admiration for her “liberation”.

I’ll admit Eleanor did cool stuff; like going with the King on a Crusade. Picture her suited up like a hot cosplay Dragonslayer. Go ahead and enjoy.

Sadly, a fun outing to kill heathens with his peeps turned into a slog as the King dealt with Eleanor’s military backseat driving. Collectively, King Al Bundy and his high maintenance wife micromanaged their Crusade into a faceplant. The lecturer was all excited about her participation. I disagree. It’s not impressive to participate in losing!

Eleanor and Louis came home in separate boats; which tells you all you need to know. The lecturer was talking about Eleanor’s bravery. I interpret it as Eleanor on a royal camping trip & giving advice that offed many soldiers. But what do I know?

Back at home, Eleanor decided the old man wasn’t awesome enough. She petitioned the pope for an annulment.

The Pope was a buzzkill. “No! What part of ‘until you die’ confuses you?”

Then hubby rings up the Pope and asks for the same thing.

The Pope’s like “Sin and stuff means divorce is a big hairy deal. Throw me a fig leaf.”

“She’s ‘willful’. She’s hotter than a two dollar pistol but every day I wonder if I’ll wake up with a severed horse’s head in my bed. She has me bent, folded, and spindled. I love her but she’s cold as ice.”

“Someday a rock band called Foreigner will run with that theme. However, the church can’t help you. Have you considered packing her off to a nunnery?”

“I don’t think it’ll work. Also I think she’s boinking her Uncle… or at least wants to.”

“Have you considered killing the Uncle? This is the Middle Ages, divorce is sinful but nobody has a problem with violence.”

“How about this? We’re inbred y’all.”

“OK. The Church can work with that.”

(At this point I’d like to thank history lectures for teaching me the cool new vocabulary of “consanguinity“.)

So Eleanor got an annulment, ditched the kids, and her ex-husband listened to country music all night long. Did I mention she kept her huge tracts of land? No shit! The King voluntarily gave up half of France! The lecturer is talking empowerment and I’m surprised by the King. Most kings would marry a lizard to get land. Lovestruck beta-male Louie just let her go? In an era where solutions for a “willful” queen range from nunneries to discrete homicide, Louie made a self-sacrificing choice. Dumbass!

Eleanor was promptly kidnapped by the Count of Blois and the Count of Nantes. They planned the traditional “capture and marry” method I associate with Ming the Merciless. (I’m not clear which of the Counts planned to do the marrying.) Eleanor was all empowered so she sent a letter to the young Duke of Normandy “Yo, hot stuff! Save me and I’ll make it worth your while.” What Prince could turn down an offer like that?

The Duke shows up and saves her by acting exactly like a knight in shining armor from a storybook. They get married toot sweet. In short order he was King Henry I of England and had a hot French wife with huge tracts of land. Nice work if you can get it.

This also means eight weeks after dumping the King of France, Eleanor had self-arranged rescue by a dashing young English boy toy. What’s the medieval French language phrase for “trading up”? Also, how is any of her  “rescue” not like a cliche?

I’m hearing about Eleanor’s story with words like “amazing”. What I comprehend is a scheming woman leaving a trail of broken hearts and dead soldiers.

Eleanor never chilled out. She immediately started hassling her new husband. She preferred to be called “Duchess of Aquitaine” instead of “Queen of England”. Nothing says “happy marriage and social stability” like shitting on your husband’s ego at the royal court where he supposedly wields absolute power. The King stuck with proper social protocol by dipping his wick elsewhere but discreetly. Eleanor was never discrete. After years of nagging, she packed her shit and left hubby #2 around Christmas 1167. Shockingly, the King was cool with it. Medieval kings are notorious for killing anyone who screws with them. Yet jilted kings just let her go… twice! WTF?

Empowered? OK maybe. Then again it feels “off”. The woman was a human wrecking ball but the prof described her like I describe a rainbow.

Having skipped out on husband/king #2, she quietly took up knitting. Ha ha ha. Of course not. Soon she was craving power again. King Henry’s son (creatively named Henry) launched a revolt.

“Dad, I’m going to kill you and take the crown.”

King Henry of England had the testosterone King Louis VII of France lacked. “Molon labe punk!”

The usurper fled to… you guessed it… Miss Empowerment 1173.

“Mom! Dad won’t let me have absolute power!”

“Don’t worry, I’ve raised a couple of spare sons for this eventuality. Meet Richard and Geoffrey. They love seizing power and inciting violence. Also I’ll get some friends to join us in attacking England.”

“Thanks mom! Lets wreck England together!”

“Here’s a sippy cup and a broadsword. We start tomorrow.”

Two years later King Henry had sent his dipshit son packing and stopped the plans of his scheming estranged wife. Twenty English castles and a zillion towns have been destroyed, plus another shitload of people were killed. Given Eleanor’s track record, it’s lucky England wasn’t razed clear to Scotland. The lecturer is still saying things like “fascinating” and I’m thinking “This chick is radioactive. She’s Lady Macbeth!”

Finally, Eleanor’s second husband did the proper medieval thing and sent some knights to capture the bitch. Then he locked her ass in a tower. (It was a nice tower, with pretty drapes.)

Later, the King gave her greater freedom but she was constantly supervised. I think the King was playing with fire. You don’t let Godzilla, Nuclear Weapons, or Eleanor of Aquitaine loose if don’t have to!

When King Henry died, his successor King Richard I felt bad about the situation and sent orders to release Eleanor from supervision. Her custodians had already released her! I assume she was found sitting on a pile of gold next to the dead body of her jailer; possibly twirling a dagger between her fingers and drawing up plans for a Death Star. Empowered? How about Supervillian!

After a couple more daring escapes, kidnappings, and betrayals, Eleanor died. It was 1204. They chained the crypt shut to keep her from coming back from the dead with another plan to seize power.

It’s odd the lecturer talked approvingly of her; like she’s a role model for young women who might want to become surgeons in 2018. What I heard was a scheming 12th century drama lama with a touch of megalomania. Whenever she met a king, she’d rub his face in the dirt, start looking for a place to stick a knife, or both.

We all have bias. Mention a cool female in the 12th century and the prof starts to build a shrine. I’m unimpressed by a harpy that liked causing friction for friction’s sake. My bias is that I think Charlemagne or Diocletian (both of whom spent lots of time killing lots of people) are respectable because they were doing the period appropriate thing of building or shoring up empires. They weren’t grinding up armies merely because they were bored. Also, I theorize twelfth century England (and France!) would’ve been better served by virtually who wasn’t Eleanor. Giving Lindsay Lohan a tiara and then turning her loose in a room filled with cocaine would cause fewer problems.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Which is why I’ll never have a history degree.