Eclipse 2017 After Action Report: Part 01

T -40 days: The press indicates a celestial event will happen in August. Suuuure. I’ll believe it when I see it. They’re wrong about everything lately. If the press said fish swim in the ocean I’d expect tuna to start roosting in trees.

T -35 days: It appears to be legit. Who cares? I’ve seen an eclipse before.

T -34 days: No, I haven’t. What was I thinking? Who remembers an eclipse they didn’t see? What’s next? Will I recall landing under sniper fire in Bosnia? A helicopter breakdown in Iraq? The closest I’ve gotten is a few lunar eclipses and most years I catch he Perseids.

T -30 days: Since I’ve definitely never seen an eclipse I’m going to see this one. “I’ve never done it before” is a perfectly legitimate reason to do almost anything!

T -29 days: I gauge interest in the matter among my family. Mrs. Curmudgeon is all for a trip. Huzzah! The kids, following the protocol of all teenagers, grunt noncommittally. Teenagers, like lawyers, cannot answer any question with a clear affirmative or negative. Like I give a shit about their opinion. God is turning the dial to eleven for the music of the spheres and it’s got more cowbell! The trip is on!

T-28 days: The awesomely named “Zone of Totality” is going through some of my favorite stomping grounds! I wish it were hitting Burns, Oregon. I’m always up for a trip to Burns. I wonder if the snake is still there? I think I’ll bring my fishing pole. I like fishing!

T -27 days: Glasses? Who needs stinking glasses?

T -26 days: I need glasses. Going blind would suck.

T -25 days: Two hundred brands of “eclipse glasses” on Amazon but most are sold out and none are explicitly ISO 12312-2 rated. I order a 5 pack from somewhere outside of the Amazon ecosystem. Checkout is a PITA and shipping is usurious. (Note to Edna and other Grammar Nazis: yes, I know “usurious” is not quite correct since there is no loan involved but it sounds right to me and in 2017 that’s apparently all that’s necessary.) The amazingly complicated “shopping cart” is a drag. I remember now that shopping on the internet in the late 1990’s was a total bitch. Hence, Amazon’s current hegemony. Also, some dude wrote ISO 12312-2 specifications for “looking directly at the sun”. Someone buy that poor bastard a beer.

T -15 days: Hotel reservations become a clusterfuck: “What do you mean booked up?” So, this is a thing? Who knew!

T -14 days: After a few calls, I have hotel reservations. This is due to the fact that I’m a “platinum rewards, mega-executive, vibrating electron level, hyper, ultra, super customer”. Also, I have (totally out of habit) plotted the intersection of eclipse path and low population density. Nobody but dirt and prairie dogs in my target area. Perfect!

T -13 days: Mrs. Curmudgeon and I discuss the itinerary I’ve devised;

“We’re going where? Again!?! Can’t we stay in a civilized location? What about Bend?”

“Last time I was in Bend I got patchouli all over me. It’s a formerly cool town but the hipsters own it now. More mimes than men. It’s enemy territory. Let it go.”

“You can fish there.”

“Fly fishermen… I’ve nothing to wear. There will be man-buns riding mountain bikes. Vegans in spandex. The horror.”

“It’s pretty there, you like the volcanoes in the Cascade range, and the beer is good.”

“Beer? Good point. Hipsters do beer rather well. OK if you find a hotel I promise not to whine about the excessive cost. Or I’d be happy to camp. Better to reserve a campsite somewhere. Camping’s cool! I like to camp you know…”

[Stay tuned…]

About AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Adaptive Curmudgeon is handsome, brave, and wise.
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9 Responses to Eclipse 2017 After Action Report: Part 01

  1. Rick C says:

    I got my hotel reservations about a month early–and then I heard that eclipse followers will start making theirs a YEAR early. Heads up for the 2024 total eclipse.

    Also, for next time: they say a #14 welding mask filter or stronger will also work. If you can get near a Micro Center, they carry Celestron (the telescope makers) branded glasses, which are certified. That’s what I used.

  2. abnormalist says:

    I like to camp, I have a perfectly good tear drop camper, lets bring that…

    wife: I want a hotel

    a hotel for us and 4 kids, $200, camping in the camper we have and a tent, $12…

    wife: No

    Abnormalist: dammit
    Abnormalist: Hotel on the way down, camping in Tennessee, it’ll be an ADVENTURE!

    • AdaptiveCurmudgeon says:

      You’ve got a teardrop? Awesome.

      I spend a lot of time in hotels and it gets old. Expensive hotels are… expensive. Cheap hotels are a PITA to find.

      Camping and campers seems a better solution. Unfortunately, once you hit a certain age (and add a passel of offspring) it’s only for men? I’ve often considered a “Only For The Curmudgeon” trailer for the times when I travel sans family.

      • abnormalist says:

        do it. we built ours

        http://www.tnttt.com/viewtopic.php?f=50&t=63145

        biggest regret is that i didnt do it ten years before

        • AdaptiveCurmudgeon says:

          That’s the coolest thing ever!

          I love teardrops and have always wanted to build my own trailer. Unfortunately a teardrop behind my humunga-truck (a.k.a. the Death Wobble Express) would look like a rhino towing a bumblebee.

          I wish there were good detailed plans for a slide in topper. Maybe something like the Alaskan hardsided pop ups.

      • abnormalist says:

        So wait… you refuse to even consider doing something freaking awesome just because people MIGHT look at you funny?

        This really doesn’t fit with the narrative. Did we just find a hint of truck connected ego?!

        • AdaptiveCurmudgeon says:

          Bam! Ya, got me. I’m irrational about my truck. You are totally correct that I’m a nitwit about the damn Dodge!

          It’s not how it looks to others (fuck them) but I’m really attached to matched scale between tow vehicle and trailer. (Also I hate it when people don’t tow level. Luckily, I have a zillion drop hitches and I’m sure I can tow a teardrop level with a drop hitch.) Anyway you caught me in a human frailty. I can tow 10,000 pounds so I irrationally feel like I ought to be doing so; which you correctly identify as an attitude that’s just plain stupid.

          That said, I can repent and overcome my stupidity. I’ve gotten used to kayaks on the roof which look out of scale too. Kayaks are sized for some cat lady’s Subaru but I carry my 50# kayak like a roof mounted hood ornament whenever there’s even the tiniest chance I’ll have time to hit the water. (That poor kayak has thousands of highway miles per river mile.) The roof rack has a small but detectable impact on MPG but the roof rack with a kayak is almost imperceptible. Such are the vagaries of air flow. (The kayak doesn’t seem to mind getting covered with bugs.)

          Since you built a teardrop and therefore are knowledgeable about such things (and also you’re awesome by definition). Can I ask a few questions? Is a teardrop build easier because it’s small? If you could build any size from 6′ to 30′ long, is the teardrop harder because it’s round and fiddly or easier because there are smaller parts to fabricate and install? In other words, is the “build it big” logic of Frankenstein applicable to bent plywood? Are there plans from which I could make a “scaled up” teardrop? Something like a canned ham? (Canned hams must be harder because I don’t hear of them built from scratch very often?) If one added a few feet height to a teardrop or would that utterly trash the whole design… like a 50’s Cadillac tail fin on a Mini Cooper? Last question, can you insulate the hell out of a teardrop and use it in winter? The tiny area might be easy to heat but I’m wondering about condensation.

          Suddenly I’m thinking about starting a teardrop build. Winter’s coming and I have more time in winter. Oh man… look what you’ve done to me!

  3. Tennessee Budd says:

    AC, I thought you were in Illinois, in which case a trip to see totality would have meant a drive south into KY or TN of, at most, several hours. Oregon seems a bit far & in an odd direction.
    I’m less into modern tech than even you; I don’t have nor want a “smart” phone. Maybe the Curmudgeon household needs a globe somewhere in it? (I use the one I got when I was 12. I don’t give a shit if a lot of those countries have changed their names & borders, it’s a globe. I can look up the details if I need them.)
    Of course, it’s your money & time, so if you’d decided to sail off to the South Atlantic to catch the eclipse, that’s your business. Myself, I stepped off the porch to see it.

    • AdaptiveCurmudgeon says:

      Actually, Curmudgeon Compound is in….. Ahhh. Ouch!!!

      This is Curmudgeon’s dog speaking. I’ve given my master a stern talking to about OPSEC and then bit him in the ass so he’d remember. He will return to the keyboard now.

      Uh yeah… I live nowhere in particular. Could be Illinois… I guess. Sure whatever.

      Ouch!!!

      This is Curmudgeon’s dog, that response wasn’t sufficiently allegorical. My master will try again.

      Where am I from? Lots of different places.

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