I’ve dimly registered the press’ thundering blovation about last week’s protest (complete with photogenic mayhem and injury) in Charlottesville. In my last post I shrugged it off.
Yet somehow folks think this is a legitimate nation-shaking threat. It’s not! How can anyone fret over fucking Nazis in Virginia? Why not get spastic over Sasquatch rape in Seattle? Nazis in 2017 can’t be a thing; we pounded them to dust in 1945 and they were a joke by 1980. (In case you’re keeping count, Jake and Elwood were pissing in the Nazi’s Cheerios 37 years ago. That was before the invention of the iPhone, tofurkey, or a $4 Starbuck’s latte.) Post WW2 Nazis have been widely accepted as the tiniest little cul-de -sac in a vast universe of stupid people for over half a century.
Can’t social justice warriors come up with something better than non-existent weirdos who didn’t get the memo seven decades ago? Perhaps a kitten in a tree in Des Moines was eaten by Satanist cheese vendors and now all the righteous need to cower from Velveeta?
Especially confusing are folks who project this like everyone who isn’t gay or black and lives below the Mason-Dixon line is a raving Nazi shithead who started hunting hippies for sport on Friday. The lady doth protest too much, methinks. That fevered notion is coming from inside their pointy heads because I can tell you right now it ‘aint reality. Trust me on this, if rednecks were the violent racists they’re treated like, every goddamn Whole Foods from Tuscon to Buffalo would be knee deep in dead adjunct professors and gutted trustifarians by sunset tomorrow. Some people talk and some people do. Rednecks do.
So if you’re a terrified snowflake, remember that you need to drive your Prius to a distant location at a specific time on specific date just to get hollered at. That’s not open season. That’s you shitting yourself in a modern peaceful land of plenty.
Finally, in a sea of bullshit, one voice rang true. Thank God for Sarah Hoyt who wrote Dear Leftists, There Are No Nazis Under Your Bed. She did the math (yes, I know that math is hard but pay attention here) and came up with a rough estimate of how many super Nazi avenger death-people were at the protest:
Thank you Sarah, for being the first person to put a number to this earth shattering looming menace. (The press seemed to have gone out of it’s way to avoid stating the exact size of these ultra dangerous hordes.)
Now we know, the Tiki-torch carrying front honor guard to Cthulhu is in the 100-400 range. I’m unimpressed. All this rending of garments and donning of hair shirts is from fewer people than can fit in just one mid-sized mall theater? Really? The sum total of all the left’s fears and terrors can fit in a couple Greyhound buses? One McDonalds? A large bowling league? Talk about gutless whining nincompoops. Get a sense of scale; and then get a grip!
So, the nation is supposed to melt down due to a threat that’s a ratio of…
That’s nothing! There’s higher odds I’ll shit a gold brick while humming the Star Spangled Banner during next week’s solar eclipse. That means the worst possible scenario allocates precisely one of these half imagined lunatics for the state of Alaska. Wyoming gets three quarters of an imaginary lunatic. Even the mighty juggernaut of California, America’s most populous state, has just over fifty of them. I’m pretty sure there are more one armed, psychotic, Esperanto speaking, left handed dog walkers in LA.
There is no way in God’s green earth I can break out in hives for a “threat” that’s less common than one armed, psychotic, Esperanto speaking, left handed dog walkers!
I call bullshit. This is shark week for the bored and over-contented.
Sarah is not worried either. As always, she says it better than I: