At 12:06 am, Kandi, an unemployable anthropology major with little brain and less desire to use it, dropped a nearly finished plastic bottle of Captain Morgan. Boo, her dog, bucking generations of genetic conditioning for loyalty, surreptitiously made off with it and substituted a full one. Kandi and her friends, eyes riveted to their phones, didn’t notice. Thus, “a few drinks to kill the bottle” went into overtime. Things got messy. Specifically, Boo’s plan caused the following:
- Kandi, never particularly an observant being, was completely unaware when Boo made his second move of the night.
- One of Kandi’s friends made it as far as the lawn before passing out and subsequently missing the 9:00 am start of her graduate record examinations. Her absence raised the median score of the nearby university just enough to land it on the US News and World Report’s coveted list of “100 Least Appallingly Useless Colleges”. Several million dollars of Federal funding was soon re-allocated based on this change.
While the latter event was widely discussed by countless professors and administrators (who never deduced the true cause of their celebrations), it is the former that really mattered.
If you think I should have posted the next Squirrels story about a month ago, feel free to click below.