The Gopher Huntresses: Part 6

Back at the house I explained everything to Mrs. Curmudgeon. “They’re so sweet. Can we keep em?”

“No. We already kicked the cat out. No more pets. You have to let them go.”


“And no more tractors either.”

Fair nuff. Once that was settled, I returned (with more coffee) and refilled our travel mugs. More chatting at the tailgate. The first question on my mind was “would you ladies like to try a hand at killing gophers on my lawn?”

Except I couldn’t phrase it that way. It just came to me. These were bounty hunters after all; “Whatever you’re getting paid, I can match it.”

And thus, I’d gained helpers for my “lawn”. Before I continue, I should describe my definition of “lawn”. Suburban residents have a mental image of a lawn; a tenth acre, flat, manicured, landscaped, addition to the beauty of a McMansion house. My lawn is exactly unlike that. I’ve been known to shoot and gut deer (legally!) on my lawn.

Wherever the forest is held at bay and the grass short enough that you can see a chicken grazing at 100 yards… that’s a lawn. It makes a nice shooting lane and demilitarized zone. It’s where the chickens graze, the dog shits, and my vehicles slowly give in to entropy.  It’s nothing like a suburban lawn but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Of course, the gophers do their thing and make big huge piles of dirt. When I mow with an antique tractor I don’t care. Unfortunately, I’ve been stuck recently with a regular riding mower (which I hate). The gopher mounds high center my chickenshit lawn tractor with its lawyer approved craptacular “hydrostatic and hope” drivetrain.

So Florence and Jane set up several traps in my lawn (including an area I’d just burned). (The fact that I consider controlled burns a perfectly reasonable landscaping method explains my definition of “lawn”.)

They killed several over the next few days. I wasn’t there when they demobilized their last trap. They just pulled up stakes and split. I owe ‘em about $15 based on three bucks a pop for every dead gopher. I’ll gladly pay up whenever they show up asking for it.

Later that night I kicked back with a glass of bourbon and watched Caddyshack.

About AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Adaptive Curmudgeon is handsome, brave, and wise.
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9 Responses to The Gopher Huntresses: Part 6

  1. nato says:

    I just about did a spit take with my breakfast as I read the last line. 😀

  2. ro says:

    Fifth paragraph, you’re going to ask them to kill Golfers? Now don’t get me wrong I think it an absolutely pointless, sorry sh1t, game but I think shooting the idiot losers who have a bad taste in clothing is a step to far.

  3. Chip says:

    Wow! I go fishing over in the Gulf for a couple of days and we are 6 parts in? Awesome!!!!!! Thanks AC.

  4. Max Damage says:

    The easiest way to kill gophers is to take a length of hose from a sump pump or small shop-vac (about 1 1/4″ diameter) and get a shop-vac hose adapter that goes from 2″ down to the 1 1/4″ diameter (apparently these are the standard hose sizes for shop vacs). Add a couple of hose clamps to secure the hose to the adapter and the adapter to the tailpipe of anything that burns gasoline. Shove the hose in the hole, tamp some dirt around to make it air-tight, fire up the vehicle and go find something to do for the next 20 minutes. Depending upon the vehicle you may need to have a little water mist keeping the hose from melting.

    The gopher village is wiped out, the vermin are underground so there’s no body or bounty but also no smell, and of course no risk to any critters you may like. Works a treat. I personally like the bounty idea, and of course this takes away from the gainful employment of your neighbors, but there’s no reason you can’t do it after they trap. You know, just to be sure.

    • AdaptiveCurmudgeon says:

      I’m aware of the approach… but lazy. Then again I might have to get serious about gophers; the “bounty hunters” have moved on and a few remain. (This relates to a trashed belt on my mower, which has put me out of commission all weekend!)

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