Rare Exports: The Ultimate Christmas Horror Movie

[Note: I discovered Rare Exports three years ago but it’s so good it bears repeating. It has become a tradition at Curmudgeon Compound. Keeping in mind that this is a horror movie that involves neither Linus nor Jimmy Stewart, it’s awesome!

I especially recommend it if you’ve got a herd of unenthusiastic teenagers (especially boys) hanging around. Lets face it, they’re gagging on the sweetness of the holiday and would rather be playing Assassin’s Creed than eating grandma’s lime jello. Park them in front of the tube and crank up Rare Exports. They’ll be riveted and leave the adults alone long enough for you to chill out and drink “eggnog” in peace. (Unless you’re like me and watch the movie.)]

I usually refrain from recommending movies. Partly because most movies are shit. Partly because my taste, so I’ve been told, is appalling.

I have a friend for whom I have recommended three movies; Brazil, The Road (in book or movie form: Reviewed here), and Idiocracy. He swears my advice left him baffled, depressed, and stupid. He implores me to never again suggest any movie to anyone ever again. I promised to add his caution. His exact words were “don’t do it.” You’ve been warned.

That said I’d like to recommend a “Christmas Horror” movie. It’s a Finnish “independent” movie called Rare Exports. It’s free on Netflix. (Update: it seemed to vanish from Netflix… get it on Amazon instead.)

Good points (no spoilers ensue):

• It is a horror movie in the classic “scary thing lurking around the corner” style. I think the tension is ramped up just right. If “horror” to you means “exploding spleens bouncing off the lens” you’ll be disappointed.
• There is nudity and it’s not the good kind. If the nudity in this movie turns you on, burn your computer and lock yourself in the basement.
• It is foreign. Which is awesome. Because it’s Finnish and the Finnish are bitchin’ cool.
• There isn’t a single expensive Hollywood actor. Because of this the acting is pretty good.
• This movie was not excreted by Hollywood’s cubicle bound masses of bean counters and focus groups. Thus love interests and lefty propaganda weren’t shoehorned where they don’t belong.
• Absolutely no superheroes are involved. Thank God.
• Everyone in the movie is armed all the time, including the children!

Some caveats:

• It’s a horror movie. If you want Shakespeare why are you reading my blog?
• It’s not deep. Did I mention it’s a horror movie about Christmas? Seriously, you’re reading my blog, how much depth do you expect?
• If you can’t abide rednecks (even Finnish ones) don’t watch. If you’re an anti-gun, anti-hunting, urbane militant vegan this movie will vaporize your skull. Then again why are you reading my blog?
• If you hate subtitles you’d better be able to speak Finnish.
• I think it’s a tame R. In my book it’s ok for a teenager; provided you’re not offended by nudity involving people who look like they’re homeless.  That’s your call and if your teenager becomes a serial killer or mime after watching it, it’s not my fault.
• Some of the special effects aren’t great. They’re not key to the plot and it doesn’t detract from the movie. (Hint to Hollywood; special effects are not the substance of a damn movie!)
• It’s campy and ridiculous. Did I mention it’s a horror movie about Christmas?

Here’s a trailer.

It’s best for people who like horror & suspense. There are no happy schmucks in malls learning the meaning of Christmas in this movie. You were warned. Here’s the link: