[Editor’s note: I wrote this article just before September 11th and promptly went off line (on a mission so super secret that I can’t even tell to my dog where I went). It’ll automatically post (unless I screwed up the software) regardless of what “Florida pinhead” and his counterpart “New York manipulative dickhead” will do on that most auspicious date. If they both turn into adults and maybe get day jobs instead of fucking around with photo-ops and balderdash you can color me surprised. If not…well that’s another reason I sometimes go off-line a few days at a time. Too much concentrated asshattery is bad for the psyche.]
Unless you’re in a coma you’ve heard that a manipulative dickhead concocted the idea to build a Mosque near Ground Zero. Congratulations, he’s succeeded in pissing us off. God forbid he waste his time chanting or doing whatever otherwise unemployable religious flakes do.
Obnoxious behavior by religious whack jobs isn’t rare so I planned to ignore it. Unfortunately this guy had really found the buttons to push and it took root. Eventually I was foolish enough to comment.
My first response was to make clear that Mosque-boy’s actions are deliberately annoying but that it didn’t matter. Freedom of Religion (and property) means exactly what it says. A right is not merely a nicety that applies when people aren’t being rude. I also mentioned that Obama (and certain other morons) were unprincipled cretins for failing to recognize the simple concept that being an asshole is not illegal.
I thought I was done but I forgot it was an election year and elections pump up the stupidity index. I wound up writing a second post where I mentioned that in a world of six billion people I’d found roughly one article that agreed with me. I was very happy to move from a lone lunatic to merely a very unpopular lunatic, cited a source, and sent most of the villagers with pitchforks off to talk to him.
Once again I thought the silly season would subside but it’s the gift that keeps on giving. In a spirit of moron fair play, some pinhead in Florida is planning to burn the Koran and of course every eleventh of September we’ve got to have pinhead photo ops.
So here comes my third article. Ahem…
- Burning the Koran is a pinhead idea and it deliberately pisses off Muslims just exactly like the Ground Zero Mosque pisses off any sane American.
- The Koran is a book. Which is property. You may do whatever you want with your property. You may burn it, shred it, worship it, sell it, shit on it, hang it on your wall, coat it in gold, call it your “precious”, put lipstick on it and kiss it, re-write passages to include unicorns, bury it in the tomato patch, keep it forever in a place of honor, or toss it in a woodchipper. Whatever comes into your fool head is your right. Because it’s just a book and you own that bastard!
- There is nothing illegal about pissing people off and there is nothing illegal about destroying a book.
This should be the end of the story! But…
…apparently Obama was busy golfing and delegated General Petraeus to be the flaccid leader du jour.
Not cool! And he knows better!
You know what endangers troops? Bad guys with guns; violent fundamentalists who think printing presses make magic spells if it’s from a text that’s extra special important and not…for example, a cookbook. Apparently destroying the paper where these magic words are written will cause God himself to get all itchy and the only solution is to…oh this is novel…keep blowing shit up? How is that different from what they always do? A pinhead in Florida with a book and a match is merely annoying. Violent religious jackoffs with guns and poor impulse control are the real threat to the troops.
I have a simple solution that the good General should easily understand. When people endanger the troops; kill them.
Honestly, this hearts and minds thing has got to go. I’ve seen planes fly into the buildings of our greatest city, I’ve seen the President whimper about an internal zoning issue, and now I’ve heard an acting General whine that burning magic words in Florida might make some doofus in Pakistan not be our friends any more. So listen carefully to a patented Curmudgeonly Gem of Insight:
When bad guys overseas threaten our troops it’s a good idea to kill them.
Now you know the score General. Write it down and tape it up on your refrigerator so you don’t forget. People who mess with our troops should be shot…a lot. Since when do our Generals get the vapors over people being all huffy? You’re not there just to build roads and schools!
Let me restate it in case I didn’t get it down clear enough.
- Freedom of Speech, freedom of Religion, and freedom to own (and dispose of) private property applies to every American citizen…including both dickheads and pinheads.
- Somebody being a pinhead in Florida is not endangering the troops. Bad guys with guns in places I have a hard time spelling are endangering our troops. Generals have special training in this kind of threat and should know what to do.
Good grief. I couldn’t make this stuff up.