Adaptive Curmudgeon

[Background: I have a pittance in a prediction market as a stand against insanity. This is an analysis I wrote this about a month ago. If it seems dated because we’ve since contacted intelligent interstellar life and/or impeached Trump for the crime of being insufficiently woke, that’s why it’s dated. I’m betting nothing has changed to the fundamentals. Was I right?]

I bet against Trump on the economy. I blew it and am losing:

I bet YES on “recession in Trump’s First Term“. It’s important to note that recession means “two consecutive quarters with a negative annual growth rate in real gross domestic product”. It doesn’t mean “Orange Man bad”, “the press is shrieking like a little bitch”, or “Paul Krugman feels sad”.

Regardless, I didn’t think anyone (including Trump and/or Magic Elves) could keep our red hot economy cranking 16 quarters. I’m not the only one:

“He just says, ‘Well, I’m going to negotiate a better deal.’ Well, what, how exactly are you going to negotiate that? What magic wand do you have?”

Barack Obama, June 1, 2016

Barack and I both agreed on the limitations of undoing Barack’s mess. We were both wrong. I expected Trump’s fiscal policies would slowly improve the nation’s situation with fits and starts. Instead free enterprise did its thing and the economy launched like a rocket. In this matter I’m happy to be wrong. It’s good to live in a rich society! Trump didn’t have a magic wand, he had a magic sledge hammer!

I figured a black swan event would wreck the party but time is short and it’s looking like I bet wrong. Trump may soon do what I thought was mathematically impossible.

I have one last hope. The opposition party always bitches about the misery of living under the current regime regardless of which party is in power. The opposition (D) will be doing all they can to crater the economy or any news of it. They’ve pretty much given up on all rationality or comity so they might succeed.

It’s like your crazy uncle who smashes your car to prove that cars can be smashed and thus you should let him borrow your car. It makes no sense but you still have to deal with the dented fender. The D party may, in desperation, create a self-fulfilling prophesy… and that’s why I’m not bailing out and locking in my losses. Yet.

Bet Against Biden? I did and don’t regret it. It’s a small loss so far.

For “2020 Democratic presidential nomination” I bet NO on Joe Biden. This has nothing to do with Biden’s himself and everything to do with the current era’s madness.

Biden sucks but that’s nothing new. The real story is that the party of D has done nothing but piss and moan about “intersectionality” for decades. The only thing they care about is how black your gay vagina happens to be. The only thing that could beat Hillary’s vagina in 2008 was Obama’s blackness. The only thing that could beat Hillary’s vagina in 2016 was Hillary herself. (Trump’s main electable skill in 2016 was to not be Hillary Clinton, which he’s done very well.)

With 2020 on the horizon, the opposition races to pick the weirdest weirdo that weirds the weirdness. Biden’s a creepy old geezer but, unless he’s got a sex dungeon we don’t know about, he’s still a generic white male. The dems could have a candidate with the mind of Albert Einstein, the body of Fabio Lanzoni, and the soul of Mother Theresa but they’d kick this awesome option to the curb if it was a straight white male. They’ll crawl through glass in a long circuitous route around Biden or anyone white and male to elect a black female gay oppressed affirmative action sociology experiment.

This goes a long way toward explaining Pete Buttigieg. He’s a white, male, Christian, Navy Reservist. Such a man would be tarred and feathered by the Kool aid drinkers under normal circumstances. However, he likes to stick his dick in all the right places. That’s why they cut him slack. Biden is doomed. Unless he comes out gay or converts to Islam while becoming a vegan yoga master he won’t make it. That’s how weird the world is right now.

I bought Biden NO at $0.79 and today it’s $0.78. I’m not nervous.

Biden’s “I’m just an average Joe” shtick will fail miserably; which I’ll enjoy. (Note: did you know Biden was first elected at age 29? Who elects a 29 year old for anything? Here’s another fun game, Biden was a Senator for 36 consecutive years, name his state. I bet ya’ can’t.)

Speaking of intersectionality: My female SCOTUS a bet is tanking:

In a sane world, when you need a new judge it’d be a 45% chance the candidate has a vagina, a 45% chance it has a dick, and a 10% chance it claims to be Lrrr of the planet Omicron Persei 8. In a sane world nobody cares about the judiciary’s genitalia. That world is long gone.

I bet at $0.52 for “the next individual nominated by President Trump to the United States Supreme Court before he leaves office shall be a woman”. I based this on the inexplicable modern madness where we try to replace a woman with a woman on the supreme court because that’s somehow not sexist. Also there was my misunderstanding that Ginsberg was mortal. The first is stupid and the second is unclear.

It’s dropped to $0.35 which means I’m blowing it. Ginsberg has already cheated death long enough for her possible demise to get wrapped up in the 2020 election and I hate being in this market.

Incidentally, I don’t like how Ginsberg’s judicial activism is a powder keg. In a well managed Republic, the highest judiciary would be musty losers that read books in isolation. Our SCOTUS has been misused as “the way to get things you can’t legislate into law”. This means every time we have to replace a judge the populace goes apeshit. From Bork becoming a verb to going through Kavanaugh’s high school year book, SCOTUS confirmations are distorted by a vacant congress dumping work on the shoulders of nine people. If Ginsberg croaks between now and January 19, 2021 everyone is going to lose their goddamn minds. I wish she’d never created the mess that surrounds her… but then again I hope to someday retire and go fishing. I didn’t make the mess or chain myself to it. When she dies the world will turn red for a month or so. I suggest building a bunker and sitting in it with a good book.

There you have it. Some wins, some losses. The press has gone apeshit all summer but my bets are all riding the slow tide of rationality. As always, don’t take financial advice from bloggers… but you already knew that.

A.C.

[Background: I have a pittance in a prediction market. It’s my stand against insanity. Fools are induced to run around like maniacs (and the press loves it when they do) but that’s because they don’t really have skin in the game. Wagering cash on emotional feedback gets expensive. Thus, bets are a solution to whiny bitch syndrome. I also promised myself I’d blog my results. If I suck very bad (conceivably as bad as Nobel prizewinner Paul Krugman) I won’t hide behind denial. Perhaps I’ll learn from experience (unlike Paul Krugman). Incidentally, I might be right. In which case I’ll know I was right and not just blowing smoke up my ass.]

[Note: I wrote this about a month ago, just when Impeachment Part II: The Triggering was hitting theaters near you. I decided to postpone publication because everyone was losing their shit. I didn’t want to contribute to an environment of asshattery. I scheduled it for the future (which is now) in the hopes that everyone calmed the fuck down and the press stopped saying “this time we’ve got him”. So, was it another nothing-burger? Past Curmudgeon scheduled that way. Was he right?]

Ruth Bader Ginsberg: Holding steady but she’s clearly immortal.

I bet on Ginsberg being “the next justice of the Supreme Court … to create a vacancy on the Court by departing active service for any reason“. Like a Greek Tragedy, she’ll work until she dies. I find that disturbing. Then again I just Frodo away in Sauron’s world. I’ve never been tempted by power.

Like an undead cyborg vampire, Ginsberg is apparently immortal. I bought shares in November ($0.73) and more in February ($0.75). Right now it’s sitting at $0.74. No change!?!

Invariably, the press reports she’s fit. In fact, she’s bench pressing Geo Metros while training for MMA cage matches against the minions of darkness and/or inbred knuckle dragging flyover state residents. Also, they can’t show a recent photo because shut the hell up you unbelieving deplorable heretic. Like Popes, Autocrats, and Kings, Ginsberg will be  perfectly healthy until she was dead two weeks ago.

I’m not giving up on this bet. Humans are mortal and voting pro-choice doesn’t make her a God. (She’ll be astoundingly pissed if Orange Man Bad is in the seat when she checks out but I think that’s precisely the fate she created for herself.)

Regardless, I’m impressed. She’s taken a bigger beating than John Wik. An 86 year old woman, she’s survived colon cancer AND pancreatic cancer AND two or three other ones. Note: the press is trying to ignore things so much I can’t get a clear count on how many different cancers she had or has.

Here are the facts behind my bet, few that they may be: About a year ago she fractured three ribs. This led to the secret and unreported detection of “cancerous nodules in her lungs” (cancer #3?). There was a subsequent (also not reported to the press) “lung lobectomy”. (Which sounds painful and I sincerely wouldn’t wish on anyone) As with all things in 2019, the truth came out after the press tried to ignore it. In August we learned (after the fact of course) she’d had three weeks of radiation treatment on a tumor in her pancreas (cancer #1 resurgent or a new cancer #4?).

Nobody lives forever. Sooner or later the event will go down. The Press won’t be able to play Weekend at Bernies for more than a few days. I’m in awe of her resilience but I’m holding $0.74 shares waiting for them to resolve at $1 when the press reports she suddenly died a week ago.

Trump: The Energizer Bunny: Looking Good.

Russia, Russia, Russia, this time we’ve got him, the walls are closing in… blah blah blah. It’s all propaganda. I’d like to buy in for “Trumpslide” much like Reagan election #2. That’s how it feels to me. However, American elections are more corrupt by the hour and I’m not going to wade into the maelstrom of a mathematical blowout without a huge payback. There are simply too many ways to “accidentally” screw the pooch. That said, I’m cautiously expecting “win beyond the margin of cheat”.

I’m up 33% on “2020 winner will be Trump“. It’s at $0.40 now and I bought in at $0.30. I wish I’d bought more but don’t we always? I’m holding it.

I’m up 4% on “2020 winner will be Republican“. I’m holding it but I regret entering this market. Unless Trump is assassinated or strangled by Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Trump = Republican and it’s cheaper to bet on Trump directly. It’s hard to imagine Republicans winning without Trump. In fact, if a black swan event takes out Trump, the Republicans will find a way to step on their own dick. They can’t win without him… which is probably why the Republican party hates him so much. They like to lose with class; winning just feels odd to them.

I’m down 1% on “Trump wins popular vote in 2020“. It’s a cheaper buy than “2020 winner” and that makes sense because it’s more specific. Almost always the electoral college winner is also the popular winner; math is like that. Recent bullshit with Al Gore/Bush Jr. and Hidabeast/Orange Menace should be rare but they’re increasingly common. They’re really indications of a Republic trying to handle a split populace (and a populace that can’t differentiate Republic from Democracy).

It’s $0.24 right now and the payoff is $1. It’s one of the more reasonable “longshots”. The higher risk on the chance of a 316% profit is worth it. (By comparison my possible profit betting against Ginsberg’s immortality is 35%.)

Betting Against Trump? In the press? Who wouldn’t? A likely win for the Curmudgeon.

The next market is an easy call. I bet NO on “Donald Trump’s job approval rate on one or more days on or before December 31, 2019, shall be 55% or higher … blah, blah, blah … Rasmussen Daily Presidential Tracking Poll“.

This one is baked in the cake. The free shit army is something like 47%. There’s no way any Republican, living, dead, imagined, fictional, or empowered by Excalibur and imbued with the Holy Spirit… can break 55% if they start with 47% of the population shrieking at them.

Also the press is all in on stupid. Trump just announced we’d killed a major terrorist and the press reported “Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, austere religious scholar at helm of Islamic State dies at 48.” What in the name of flaming radioactive frothing insanity would make anyone act that obtuse? I almost shit myself.

Then the press whined that a meme of giving the military attack dog involved a medal was “faked”. It was a goddamn joke you blithering nitwits! The Easter bunny isn’t real. Do we need an official announcement about that? “Rabbits don’t shit chocolate eggs… Trump lied!” What the fuck is wrong with these writhing sacks of cognitive dissonance?!?

There’s no way any R on this earth can break 55% when the press gives a hand job to anyone with a D after their name.

I bet against Trump breaking 55% and bought in at $0.85. Now it’s trading at $0.96 (this post is written during the second impeachment panic but published later). I should cash out now instead of waiting for the last $0.04 but I’m not sure. It’s a first world problem. Do I grab 13% profit because people just voted about the impeachment that will never happen, or hold 2 months for 18% maximum?

This is going long so I’ll split it into two posts. Stay tuned for my next post where I explain a bet I made that’s a big time fuck up.

A.C.

Foamy the squirrel cuts the shit (NSFW but if you know Foamy you already knew that). Take it away Foamy:

Hat tip to 357 Magnum.

Christmas is that time when people buy useless shit and give it to their loved ones because… well nobody knows. Like bad sweaters, meteor strikes, and eggnog it’s just a thing that happens. Don’t fret though, I’m here to help. If you’re reading my blog you’re probably a bit of an odd duck who wants a gift that doesn’t suck. Or perhaps you want to buy gifts for another odd duck. My blog is a safe space for odd ducks. Welcome everyone!

First of all, this blog is mostly text so I’m going to assume y’all are avid readers. Books are a good place to start. Here are a few books that might appeal to either you or your loved ones. These suggestions aren’t for the mass market types who’d love to wade through another 500 pages of derivative bullshit. If you’re into sparkly vampires, 50 shades of freak, Harry Potter and the eleventh sequel, the Book of the Movie, or Chicken Soup for the Mundane… by all means don’t buy what I’m posting here; there’s plenty of shit out there for you. Have at it. The links below are more for the mind that goes off road:

1. The Curse of the High IQ, Aaron Clarey.

We live in odd times in an odd world. In 2019 it’s socially acceptable to wear a pink boa while walking your significant other on a leash down to the Whole Foods where you’ll meet with a hundred other yoyo’s who organized on Facebook to stage a protest against a Chicken Sandwich restaurant. People do things like this. What isn’t socially acceptable is to say “I am reasonably bright, that guy is dumber than a box of hammers, you are average, and my sister is wicked smart.” We in America in 2019 are forced to pretend that all humans are of equal intelligence. Which is just fucking silly.

There is nothing in this book that you don’t already know. There’s no magic secret to what a bell curve is. There’s no deep realization behind the analogy that basketball players are taller than average and brain surgeons tend to be smarter than janitors. What’s interesting is this a book that needed to be written.

Nobody tells a basketball player he’s an asshole because he’s tall. Anyone smart will have a dozen stories about getting shit because they’re smart. If you’re smart, and especially, if you’re in school or work in an office (where you will be getting shit because you’re smart until you die or leave) you need this book. It doesn’t necessarily harden your heart but it reminds you that things are as they are and it’s not your damn fault. We simply live in a time where minds are forced into “conformity” and if you’re a couple deviations out there you’re in for a bit of hassle. Nobody tells Danny Devito (5′ 0″) that if only he worked harder he’d be as tall as LeBron James (6′ 7″). Nobody, fires LeBron James because he’s a genetic freak who should be the same height as Danny. Nobody tells both of them the average height for males in America is 5’9″ and both of them should shape up and fix their height. Yet we, as a society, have gotten weird enough that variation in humans specifically in mental aptitude is simply not tolerated. That’s simply the nature of things.

This is a big fat hairy deal if you’re up there in IQ. You’ve been told to conform and you suck at it. Maybe you’ve gotten used to it. Maybe you haven’t. Odds are you might feel a bit of relief to read this. If you glance at the cover and instantly recognize the bell curve and instantly recognize the little red icon to the right and think “that poor bastard is fucked”… get this book.

Note: if you buy this book for yourself, keep it to yourself. Everyone around you knows you’re smart but they like to pretend they haven’t noticed. Don’t give them a reason to start bitching that LeBron James is an asshole because he’s tall. If you buy this for a loved one, hand it to them on the sly. You’re probably doing them a favor but it’s best done quietly.

Note: I have no idea if LeBron James is an asshole or a really nice guy. Name came up on a search and I went with it. Devito I remember as a hoot on Taxi. They’re chosen as an analogy and nothing more. For that matter the book discusses the issue of lacking interest in and knowledge of “sportsball” and how that’s just one of many issues.

2. The Road, Cormac McCarthy.

Unlike the socially radioactive hot potato I started with, this is a lot simpler. Ask yourself “Do you think zombie movies are too forgiving on the main characters?” If so, this is the book for you:

It you’re post literate or just want to share the joy with others; you can watch the movie. It’s not a bad movie, it’s just that books are usually better.

3. Deep Survival, Laurence Gonzales.

If you’re a hard core, been there and done that, kinda’ person, this is just a series of well written anecdotes about people facing adversity. If you think you’re a hard core person but spend 20 minutes looking for a good parking space because walking to the grocery store is too far… this might be a bit of a surprise. It’s mostly about mindset and how that deeply matters. This isn’t zombie apocalypse porn (unlike “The Road” which is like Mad Max squared in terms of how shitty things get). It’s based on real life stories. I found it a light read that was a bit of fun but you’ll never see it on Oprah. (I warned you I was an odd duck.)

4. The Unlikely Voyage of Jack De Crow: A Mirror Odyssey from North Wales to the Black Sea, A. J. Mackinnon.

By now you might think all the books I read are about social ostracized nerds and/or near fatal suffering (real or fictional). Of course not! Mr. Mackinnon is about as hard core as a Muppet. His craft is as imposing as a skateboard.

Yet here he is, having the adventure of a lifetime. Well done sir! He comes off more like a dreamer / professor than a swashbuckler but he rows and sails his tiny craft from north Wales to the Black Sea. That’s 3,000 miles and 12 countries. You think your summer weekend at a State Park campsite was enjoying nature? Try crossing a continent in a fucking rowboat!

Mackinnon is the perfect teller of his sweet story and it’s all the better because it breaks with convention. He didn’t summit Everest or outfit a Jeep to mess with the Rocky Mountains. Instead, he went for it right in everyone’s backyard. Inspired!

If you ever wondered where Tom Sawyer went, now you know. The modern adventurer is a poetic dude in a rowboat from England… and he really did it.

Also, as required by law and convention, there were pirates.

One last warning. This book, above all others, is dangerous. You have it in your power to slap together a tiny boat and go have a grand time on waters the size of a ditch… but you don’t. You keep putting it off. You keep thinking “I can’t afford the gear” or “I’ll do it when I retire”. Mellow and cheerful Mackinnon might just convince you to do the deed instead of merely pining for it. I know one blogger who built a little sailboat and who never stopped smiling about it. You’ve been warned; this is the sort of sunny book that makes people do instead of sit. Enjoy it!

Take a gander at this. It’s from the very skilled and entertaining CGP Grey:

Corporate deplatforming is nothing new (whether intentional or not). It’s why I moved my blog out of the wordpress sandbox three years ago. (See: Upcoming Blog Hosting Switcheroo.) At the time I said:

This is my Christmas present to myself (and you… if you care). What better present than peace of mind?

…

Preparedness isn’t all MREs and tactical nukes in the basement. Sometimes it’s as simple as switching hosting services before I piss off a faceless corporation.

I switched from wordpress.org to self hosted in late 2016. Anyone want to guess what made 2016 the moment when it seemed necessary? Why would 2016 be the year a guy writing stores about tractors fears his shit will get arbitrarily deleted? Was it a volcano eruption, Haley’s comet, return of the McRib? What thing happened that demonstrated to me that half the nation would love to electronically gut me in a heartbeat? If only the heady days of 2016 that made people feel justified in doing unethical things within organizations (both corporate and government) “for the greater good” were followed by… prosecution. But I digress.

In the ensuing three years they’ve gone from nuts to… still nuts. This is not progress.

More importantly is it likely to repeat at some time in the future? Say… just spitballin’ here… in 2020? Will there be some event in 2020 that might possibly entice mentally underdeveloped losers that peaked as hall monitors in high school to go full censorious fuckweasel… again?

What could it be? It’s a mystery.

There’s more. I dragged my feet until 2016 but I intended to make the move much earlier. When did I start thinking I ought to “armor up” my blog? Lucky me that I wrote it down. Check my text from 2016:

In 2008 there was a kerfuffle about the IRS withholding tax exempt status from conservative causes as part of the “elect Obama or die trying” mood of the times.

…

It’s unfair that the “The Al Gore Glee Club and Obama Worship Fund” got instant tax-exempt status while “Monster Trucks for Jesus” and “The Republican Guns for Orphans Fund” got hosed. Life isn’t fair. Any “movement” that shits itself when it discovers that the IRS is mean needs to nut up.

By the way… nobody went to jail for that. It just… happened.

We can know who will be targeted and why. So it’s stupid to stand there waiting for your turn on the rack. The internet was still gaining a foothold before 2008 but shit went down in 2008 that showed it had taken root and could be weaponized. In the next hotly contested election they did just that. They turned the dial to eleven… so much so that I feared stories about wood splitters and chicken farming would get me deleted. Now it’s one year before the 2020 pants shitting hysteria that will (may?) ensue as team crybaby tries to wrest control from team stupid.

There is no expectation of a sudden outbreak of comity and tolerance. They hate us. They hate ideas. They hate that I make stupid jokes. They hate my skin color, they hate that I pee while standing up, they hate that I drive a truck, they hate that I eat meat. They hate that I cut firewood without cutting a check to Exxon. They hate everything a self reliant person does, says, or thinks. It’s going to get worse.

That said, CGP Grey has a different and more optimistic solution than me. He turns to the still existing technology of e-mail. I merely did the lazy thing. I withdrew and diversified; ready to bail out.

I withdrew by staying the hell away from social media. I’m not on YouTube or Twitter. If Google finds me it’s only because they haven’t yet decided to not find me. I tried a Facebook presence but quickly let it go dormant. The whole thing creeped me out too much. It was a proctolgy exam in a stadium! The panopticon design of Facebook fosters the kind of bad relationship sketched out in weird Japanese animation. Suppose you show up for a blind date and encounter a Sumo wrestler who’s high on meth and bleeding. She’s got purple hair, tattoos of Hitler on her face, and she’s currently beating a puppy with a trombone. Facebook is much worse than that.

As for diversifying, I support my expenses with a trickle of money from Amazon, PayPal, and Patreon. It’s not much but it’s enough… and I appreciate every penny. I also backed up everything thirty ways from Sunday.

What I don’t have is a plan to persist. My idea always has been to bail at the first sign of bullshit. Maybe resurface elsewhere, maybe not. I’m not in the bullshit business.

CGP Grey has a different idea. An e-mail list. I never bothered to think about such a thing.

Should I? My hosting service / blog software has a “subscribe” button. I’ve left it running on autopilot. I’ve no idea how it works. I assume y’all know when I make a new post. Or maybe ya’ don’t. I just write and see what happens. Additionally Patreon can reach a select handful, though I don’t much use it.

I don’t expect my hosting service to go full retard any time soon, but 2020 looms. All that is stupid is likely to occur. Stupid that I haven’t even imagined will probably make present experience seem naive. Google rises like Cthulhu expanding from the deep. What happens when their in-house army of kool-aid drinkers retrieve from Cthulhu’s six sphinctered ass a new definition of Nazi?

I can’t predict the madness. Should I do something pro-active with a mailing list? Or should I stick to my “if it happens I’ll be electronically bugged out by dawn” approach? What do y’all think? Is “subscribe” button on autopilot enough?

Of course, this is just a minor issue. The wisdom of Firefly holds; they can’t stop the signal. (But they did cancel the show… so don’t get complacent eh?)

Posts have been either serious or propane related lately. Since I haven’t finished writing my review of Mr. Heater Buddy heaters. It’s time to switch to something completely different! (Raise your hand if you heard that in John Cleese’s voice.)

Ace of Spades just reminded me how much I love Buster Keaton.

This is a great idea for Thanksgiving! For the Holiday, when anyone wants to talk politics make them watch Buster Keaton (or kick them in the ass… your choice).

You might have trouble selling the idea of a movie that doesn’t have super heroes to millenials. (They’ve got the attention span of a gnat.) But give it a shot… the movies have special effects, they’re short, the plots are dirt simple, and if anyone’s too wound up about global warming to laugh at a guy slipping on a banana peel… they need to work on that.

Ignore all the whining and put it on, serve some food, and get everyone liquored up (including the millenials… and fuck their craft IPA… serve them something strong enough to make them tolerable)… then wait. If you’re lucky, you’ll find everyone standing around laughing (Probably while the youngins’ are simultaneously communing with social media… take what you can get.)

Some recommendations: for those who don’t know silent slapstick (meaning everyone) start them on Buster Keaton’s One Week. It’s a 1920 story about him building a house… and it’s the sweetest love story in the background.

The house came from Ikea. It practically kills the young couple. You thought that was a new thing?

Every man has had a moment that felt like this.

Other recommendations are Charlie Chaplin’s Modern Times (1936). The perpetual underdog has a thankless job. And yes… those wrenches get used in inappropriate ways. You thought sexual innuendo jokes were a new thing? It’s not Charlie Chaplin’s best work but it is his simplest and it’s just plain fun.

Among other indignities he gets hassled by his boss even when he’s trying to chill for a smoke break in the can. You thought micromanaging bosses were a new thing?

Last recommendation is Harold Lloyd’s Safety Last (1923). You’ve almost certainly seen the famous clip where a Harry Potter lookalike dork experiences life before OSHA:

Don’t think that’ll ruin the movie. Unlike a lot of modern shit, watching a clip of the climactic scene doesn’t detract from the overall experience.

For added fun, find someone who’s afraid of heights. Make them watch… chain them down in front of it if you have to. Lloyd does enough death defying stunts that he nearly gave me a heart attack and I’ve been skydiving.

As for the plot, it’s dirt simple and heartwarming. You can’t help but root for the underdog as he makes increasingly bad decisions every step of the way. It’s funny as all get out and not just because you wonder if he’s going to get shit on by a pigeon while six stories up. (That part will have everyone sitting on the edge of the seat.)

For example, one funny scene is when the poor bastard is basically mauled by women at the store where he works.

Tell me this doesn’t look like Walmart on black Friday. You thought consumers acting like animals was new?

Happy Thanksgiving. Also, don’t overthink the turkey. Thanksgiving ‘aint about turkeys; it’s not even about food. If a vegan bitches about the food, serve them vodka on an empty stomach and see what happens. If your crazy uncle Phil is a drunk…. stuff him full of cranberries and make him suffer sobriety. If the kids are home from college and have gone full Marxist (in lockstep with all the other students… as a way to explore their individuality) make them do the dishes so they can identify with the proletariat. If anyone’s a hassle, hit ’em with a brick; while smiling politely. Then chill with the people you love and maybe have a laugh as dudes from 90 years ago do tricks like Bugs Bunny.

Good Luck.

A.C.

There are a zillion devices to heat tents, ice shacks, and cold balls with propane but I stick exclusively to the Mr. Heater branded Buddy series products. (I’m talking about portable solutions here. If your RV has an externally vented and properly installed permanent furnace then why the hell are you dinking around with portable solutions?)

Mr. Heater products have three huge advantages that over most portable camping heaters:

1. They have a stupid name. I like saying “Mr. Heater Buddy”. Enjoy the small things.
2. They’re dirt simple and pretty reliable. It’s hard to be too dumb to figure one out, you can operate them with clumsy gloves, and unless you beat the shit out of it, the heater will last years.
3. They’ve got sensors that reduce the chance it’ll kill you.

Did you read #3? Go back and read it again: reduces the chance it’ll kill you. The web site says “Auto shut-off if tipped over, if pilot light goes out, or if detects low oxygen levels.” I’m here to tell you that’s a golden sentence. Also, it fucking works!

I’m not a safety Nazi and I’m only trying to provide information. You can do whatever the hell you want. If you want to cram a nuclear reactor in your jock strap to stay warm I won’t stop you. If you want to stick your head in a glad bag with a lit candle… go ahead breathe as deeply as you want. But as for me… I like that backup safety feature.

A portable heater is one of the most dangerous damn things you’ll ever use. You can walk across a frozen lake with a .308 in one hand and a heater in the other and it’s the heater that is most likely to off you in your sleep. Especially in an enclosed space… which is precisely where you’ll be huddling. If it’s cold enough to need a heater you’re going to seek shelter from the wind… because duh!

In some of my favorite haunts, a handful of ice fishermen bite it every year. A few fall through the ice and freeze but most deaths are asphyxiation. It’s just the risks of life; and it’s not like they were dumbasses and you’re super experienced and will never do the same dumb thing. The first thing oxygen deprivation takes is the brain power to realize you’re under oxygen deprivation. Catch 22 baby!

So that’s a big selling point for the Mr. Heater Buddy series. The twenty bucks you’ll save with a different brand or design just isn’t worth leaving hunting camp horizontally.

I’ve also tested the Buddy heaters in real world conditions. I’ve used them for many years. (I have worn one out.) I’ve seen they start getting cranky if you enclose them too much. I’ve had them lit in canvas topped 4×4 cabs (yes, that’s dumb and I know it). It allowed me to observe Mr. Heater devices as they react to thinner atmosphere in different altitudes. They do indeed pick up on the difference. (At 10,000′ or so they don’t like to stay lit at all… which makes sense. I’ve smoked a cigar or two at around 10K and it hits you like a ton of bricks.

I’ve also used them in more normal conditions. They’re not unbreakable but they’re pretty tough. If you break one you were doing something stupid. I’ve also dropped ’em and seen the pilot light go out. Or if you tip one over the thing will go out. I’ve seen the heater get blown out in a gale and noticed the gas flow is shut off rather than just spewing flammable vapors. All in all, they do what they’re supposed to do.

Nothing is foolproof (and I’m the fool to prove it) but I am a big fan of Mr. Heater brand. I exclusively use the “Buddy” line. They come in two sizes.

The first is the larger version. The “Big Buddy” is what I have and use:

The second one is the smaller version. The Mr. Heater “Buddy” is a good heater on it’s own merits. It’s similar but smaller to the “Big Buddy”. I had a Buddy and used the hell out of it for about a decade before it finally broke. I replaced it with the larger Big Buddy. There are pros and cons to that solution. Don’t let the scale of the photos fool you, the Buddy really is smaller.

In my next post I’ll do a side by size comparison of the two models. You’ll be happy to know that either one rocks. Unlike politics where there’s no good answer, here there’s no bad answer. Your choice is awesome or awesomer and either one will keep you thawed. The details are just picking the best device for your planned activities.

Enough typing, didn’t I say I was hunting… back at it! There may be a bit of a delay before part 4.

Propane (for our purposes) comes in two sizes. The smallest, and most applicable for hunting and whatnot, are 1 pound tanks. Even though I’m linking to them, don’t buy online unless you’re in dire straits. Shipping propane will probably eat you alive. You should be able to get them for $4 a pop at virtually any hardware store. (I’ll discuss details about one pound tanks in a future post… stay tuned.)

More about these later.

The bigger and more cost effective tank is a plain old BBQ tank. These hold 20 pounds of propane and are available anywhere. (Here’s a link to a fancy one with a cool “fuel gauge”.) It’s cheaper to get your own one filled at a place that does that. Or for convenience you can swap an empty for a full and wind up with a crappy old refurbished one which will work just as well. Also, just buying a full refurbished one at most box hardware stores and even some grocery stores is a cheap way to go.

I suppose I have to say this (though it ought to be obvious) but lugging a 20 pound tank around by hand is stupid. This is for when you’re stationary… like at an elk hunting base camp. You’ll need an adapter hose if you choose the big twenty pounder over the small one pounder.

You have to be aware of propane’s drawbacks. First of all, propane tanks (even the little one pounders) are too heavy for backpacking. You don’t need me to tell you that. You’d figure it out on your first five mile hike. That said, if you’re carrying weight only a few miles or in a truck/ATV it’s the “no brainer” choice. It’s much simpler than other fuels.

Second, propane has a lot of water in it. If you’re using it inside, or in an RV, or whatever… it’ll get condensation all over everything if you don’t take proper precautions and vent the hell out of if. (Not to mention the fumes from any combustion in an enclosed space can kill you… but more on that in a bit.)

Also, if you’re really pushing it into the wilderness, propane is a bit twitchy with cold temperatures. If you life is on the line and it’s very cold… especially if you’re a zillion miles from any other option… be aware that propane can freeze up. That said, damn near nobody will be in such conditions and the hearty souls that do… they already know this. Also, as with anything, one can take appropriate precautions to make the technology work. All technologies have caveats and this is an article about heat, not magic.

We break here before I go on a rant about all the heaters that I’ve tried that sucked and how I finally found the one true path to happiness. Stay tuned for part 3.

[Did the title get your attention? It should. It’s cold out. Also, this post is dedicated to Hank Hill.]

I’ve been hunting. This year’s weather has been sub-optimal. By sub-optimal I mean ball freezingly cold. Also, hunting is a special case. I have limited options to warm up. If I go thrashing through the forest gathering firewood I’ll never fill the freezer. That motivated me to talk about portable heaters. Portable heaters have been saving my ass!

So let’s start; you can sort portable heaters, lamps, and camp-stoves by fuel. Wait! Time for a diversion…

I mentioned lamps but that’s old-school thinking. Electric has taken over the camping lantern market and there’s no point in fighting it. Here’s a picture of technology that’s (for many uses) obsolete:

Fondly remembered but old and busted.

I have a beloved liquid fueled Coleman lantern. It’s something like this but mine pre-dates the technology of dual-fuel (and the internet for that matter). It’s old and loved (like me) but useless (I’ll leave that comparison to me unsaid). That’s it for my “white fuel” lantern? Yes! Goodbye old friend, we had some good times together but LEDs have just gotten too good. Here’s a picture of the new hotness that broke up what I expected to be a lifelong commitment to white gas lamps:

New gadget that looks like cheap Chinese crap but just plain works. (At about 1/3 the cost, 1/5 the weight, and 1/100 the hassles.)

I now carry a Nebo 6587 Z-Bug lantern that’s waaaay better than it ought to be. It looks like a cheap plastic gadget but it’s the real deal. I love mine. It’s dirt cheap, does about the same function as a gas lantern (though a little less powerful), and has an integrated bug zapper. (I gave mine a real world test in July. I can’t believe the bug zapper works but it did.)]

Where was I? Oh yes, fuel for mobile heat. There are many options for a portable heater but I’ve been using propane. When you want is to crank BTUs and not deal with bullshit, propane is the best game in town. It’s cheap and dirt simple.

I can see this is going to go long so I’m going to break here. Stay tuned for part 2.