Crusader Product Inhibition: Part II: Adaptive Eyewear

Crusader Product Inhibition (CPI) –  verb, A method of causing failure and delay to cool new products; especially those that might help poor people. CPI is caused by crusaders who think the best path to enlightenment is to put themselves in charge.  CPI is enhanced by people who are terrified to simply sell a product and let the market guide their distribution channels.

One example is Adaptive Eyewear. Several years ago I saw an article about newly invented self adjustable corrective glasses. What an inspired idea! Wow! It could really help people. If you need corrective lenses and live in a mud hut it would rock your world!

This is similar to the image that inspired me. (Link to article.)

Simple and dirt cheap they’re designed so that you can hand one to anybody anywhere; an optometrist is not needed. The user can adjust the lens to their eyes and lock them in. (They’re one time adjustment only.) From then on they’re ugly but serviceable eyeglasses. Sliced bread and the internet is chickenshit technology compared to corrected vision planet wide.  I’m not easily impressed and this, in it’s simplicity, is a ray of brilliance that knocks my socks off.

In places without optometrists bad vision is serious.  I do not like needless suffering. I’d love to see adjustable corrective glasses air dropped into every impoverished village and encampment from Tajikistan to Uruguay!

I’d like a pair too! I carry spare glasses when I’m backpacking. That’s good for me but if someone else breaks or loses their glasses they’re screwed. A single pair of adjustable eyeglasses wouldn’t be limited to me but could help anybody! Win win!

They’re designed to be cheap but I expected them to be pricey at first. I don’t mind. As an American I’m not living on sheep dung and rocks. Maybe I’d even be the fat cat that supports deliveries to needy folks? If they’re meant for poor people in Bangladesh, sell me one at triple the price and ship the other two for free to them. After selling a couple thousand to freaks like me their per unit cost should plummet. Soon they’d be churning them out like Pokemon cards and air dropping them into villages in Namibia. Cool! The market can and should be used to make good things cheaply available to everyone.

Lots of people are incredibly skilled at getting products manufactured dirt cheap and shipped everywhere for almost nothing. (Hint: Folks with those skills don't work for the UN.)

As far as I’m concerned the brilliant inventor of the device should get filthy rich too.

But ass clowns crusaders hate the market and care more about their own self esteem than doing good. They came up with a cool name (“Adaptive Eyewear”), created a non-profit (“Centre for Vision in the Developing World“), and made a groovy web page.  And then went nowhere…

There’s a link for donations but they’re not for sale at any price. That’s horrible…and it explains why they’re not pouring out of factories and landing in the hands of people that might want them.

I can’t be sure but 2009 data suggests 30,000 pairs have been shipped since they were invented (and the U.S. military accounts for 20,000 of them).  Sound impressive?  It’s not!  In that same year (and only in America) markets moved 14,000,000 guns, 200,000 Recreational Vehicles, 61,648 Ford Camaros, and 30,000 scooters.  Everything I’ve listed is a “toy” and costs about a thousand times more than a hypothetical $19 pair of glasses.  Am I unfair looking at America?  Ok, how about this, the global long term distribution of $19 glasses (with US military assistance) is about the same as the 2009 market for motorcycles in Kenya.  While glasses that could change a life sit on a theoretical non-market doorstep 500,000 chia pets wind up in houses annually.

The market moves things.  Use it!

I can’t even buy a case of them and ship them to Uganda myself. Short of making them into a prohibited state secret…how much closer to unavailable to anyone could they get?

The article that inspired me so much was years ago. Until I see boatloads of them on street corners in Calcutta or can buy one on e-bay they exist only in theory and as a tool for begging. A product which could have made lives better appears to be hopelessly imprisoned in a matrix of do-gooders. How very sad.

If anyone wants to differ go ahead. Tell me where they’re for sale and how much they cost. I’ll submit a huge mea culpa the minute one is sitting on my kitchen table at a reasonable price (no $500 hammer military pricing!).  If one comes in at $25 or less (in the real world and not in theory) I’ll send the person who found the source a postcard on Christmas. I mean it!

Unavailable (or severely limited) glasses are just one example. There are others. I like the cool looking bio lite stove which money cannot buy http://www.biolitestove.com/BioLite.html . The saga of the game changing third world laptop is similar.

Crusaders talk a good game but they easily become a speed bump to the good ideas that make everyone’s lives better.  I’m not perfect but I couldn’t sleep at night if I was sitting on a boon to humanity and tied it up in a self esteem gambit.

A.C.

Note: Full credit to Captain Capitalism for coining the term “Crusader” to describe non-productive losers who play around protesting and campaigning while the rest of us keep society running.

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Word For The Day: Crusader Product Inhibition: Part I

Nothing pisses me off more than CPI:

Crusader Product Inhibition (CPI) –  verb, A method of causing failure and delay to cool new products; especially those that might help poor people. CPI is caused by crusaders who think the best path to enlightenment is to put themselves in charge.  CPI is enhanced by people who are terrified to simply sell a product and let the market guide their distribution channels.

CPI is usually inflicted on products that might be handy for impoverished peasants. Crusaders don’t mind delay or failure because they view the poor as their personal livestock. Crusaders are usually bad at delivering any product to anyone under any circumstances and will blame this on anything convenient.

In the end, the product is reduced to a subsidy harvesting tool. It is either never manufactured or is endlessly delayed as the crusader desperately tries to find a way to produce objects without accepting market economics or industrial realities. Some CPI situations require blaming others for a crusader’s logistical failures. (i.e. “If those rich bastards would just shower our movement with buckets of money as described in my thesis paper, a couple of seed packets would wind up in a couple of villages in India…somehow.”)

A test to see if a product is subject to CPI is to buy it. If a flashy website asks for donations but won’t sell it at any price, then CPI has turned it into a marketing tool. It’ll be a cold day in hell before an actual product is delivered to anyone.

Example; “That new gadget that cures malaria/repels lions/cooks vegetables looks handy but after three years of CPI it’s clearly never going to show up at a store.”

CPI is a reverse Robin Hood that shitcans cool ideas into oblivion.  It’s tragic.

Stay tuned for my next post which will give a CPI example that just plain drives me crazy.

A.C.

Note: Full credit to Captain Capitalism for coining the term “Crusader” to describe non-productive losers who play around protesting and campaigning while the rest of us keep society running.

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Word For The Day: Punitive Ineffectualism: (A.K.A. 2011 Tour of Reality Denial: Part II)

Punitive Ineffectualism: When a person or organization deliberately chooses to be outrageously incompetent to piss people off. Example; “I’d ask Bill to pick up beer for the hunting trip but he doesn’t drink alcohol and he’d buy Zima or some other crap. Rather than deal with that idiot’s punitive ineffectualism I’ll get it myself.” It is a gambit which can backfire by generating unforgiving animosity. Example: “Remember last year when Bill threw $50 worth of Cuban cigars into the lake because he wanted to save us from cancer? As payback I’m waiting until we get to bear country before smearing his tent with bacon. Take that you sanctimonious motherfucker!”

Within minutes I found the first punitive ineffectualism. The tax on those bad at math government monopoly in gambling lottery tickets at a gas station had a sign that said “Due to the state shutdown these are not for sale”. Scratch off tickets are not sold by State labor! Not for sale? Why? It was punitive ineffectualism; an attempt to annoy as many people as possible so they’d think the State is essential to happiness. Like burning down all the lawns in the subdivision that did not cut their grass to the 1 and 1/4″ required by the housing association.

Example one: Prohibiting the sale of something which already exists, brings in money, and is sold by private (not State) labor.

The only lottery that I'll accept as a legitimate State function. "Bust a deal - face the wheel."

Later I stopped at a bait shop. (It’s hard to be in Minnesota without thinking about fishing.) I don’t have a license and the owner sadly informed me that he couldn’t sell one. Minnesota’s license system is usually excellent. Places like bait shops have a calculator-like device to print the fishing tag and they take your money for the transaction. How much State labor does it take to baby-sit the system? None! Just leave the power on! I wasn’t the first guy he turned down. The owner had already lost money. I used the moment to wheedle a discount on a cool lure.

Example two: Shutting down a network of hunting and fishing license sales which brings in money and is administered by private (not State) labor.

Electronically networked license systems are very complex.

If they won’t sell fishing tags how can they expect me to have one? Maybe I should go fishing anyway? As if on cue the radio reported that game wardens were still on the clock and in full force.

Example three: Carefully and deliberately enforcing a permitting system which you’ve shut down. This example is the first instance of a State employee actually doing the labor and it’s the first example of “service” not affected by a “shutdown”. You couldn’t make this up if you tried.

Have you been fishing? DON'T FUCK WITH ME!

I fired up my laptop and surfed Minnesota’s DNR site. Were wardens really on the clock? (My new lure was calling to me!) I’ve surfed the DNR site before and it’s surprisingly informative. This time it was pre-empted by a screen about the shutdown. It was very clear that game wardens were dying to arrest a Curmudgeonly poacher. So much for that.

At least I’d saved a few bucks. I clicked past the splash screen to see what a license would’ve cost. Denied! Due to punitive ineffectualism they’d shut down the entire site!

Example four: Shutting down a website and using the same servers that were formerly useful to tell me about it.

The Department Of Natural Resources needs a large staff to maintain its website.

That evening a bartender told me stories about folks who’d been kicked out of a State Park. I nodded in sympathy. That’s happened to me too. There was whiskey involved and when I tripped over the chipmunk while carrying a crate of flare guns…

Unlike me, (I deserved it) this group wasn’t causing trouble. Yet a Ranger came to their tent and made them leave. The “shutdown” meant the park had to be “evacuated”. Is that so!?! A tent campsite is dirt and a picnic table. The State thinks citizens can’t sleep on the ground without State assistance?

Has it come that far? The campers had been angry. They should be.

The rumor was that Park gates statewide were chained shut over the holiday weekend. (I haven’t confirmed this.)

Example five: Kicking Citizens out of their Park and locking the gates. They could have left the gates open and let people sleep in tents without payrolled babysitters. Instead they ruined thousands of holiday campouts.

Go ahead and camp now. Punk!

I hoisted my beer and shouted (to nobody in particular); “Parks are the property of the people!” The bartender smiled. “I’ve got a Canadian fishing license right now. I’ll fish there bitches!” I’d insulted the fishing; in Minnesota that’s serious. The bartender grimaced. “They’re killing tourist season! There’s walleye in Canada and deer in Iowa. Screw the DNR!” The bartender looked grim. “When there’s six feet of snow, tourists will remember this day. They’ll take the money they’d blow on snowmobiles in Minnesota and use it for hookers in Vegas!” The bartender stepped forward but it was too late to stop me. A crowd of like minded barflies joined me in ranting about peons with the temerity to chain a Park gate.

Why the hell is there a gate at all!?!”

This is what punitive ineffectualism does. Innocent employees become instigators. Visions of noble firemen are replaced by the memory of a tool in uniform ordering you to roll up the tent and leave. An isolated jackoff blocking a website “to save money” isn’t going to fool people who’ve used Facebook for free. Employees formerly assumed to be good folks inserted themselves into a battle they should have sidestepped. Game on!

Wrong way to win your case! I’ll sympathize with the mailman who comes late if it snows but if he shits on the porch it’s a different situation. Citizens who’ve experienced punitive ineffectualism now hate the State. What good came of that?

Only overconfident wankers would light such a fuse. They’ve paved the trail for their own unpopularity. The next round of cuts will be that much easier. Who weeps for the man who locked a website? Who respects Dudley Do Right after he ruined your campout? Try landing financial support for parks that were chained shut on Independence Day. A dog that bites the hand that feeds it needs an attitude adjustment and invites it’s delivery.

Punitive ineffectualism looks better on paper than it plays in the real world. What’s tomorrow’s Tea Party if not today’s kid who was “evacuated” from a park and who knows damn well that leaving a DNR server switched on doesn’t cost much? As with Wisconsin’s collapse of support for teachers, various Minnesota agencies have sown the seeds of their own reduction. Folks who sat the fence are gradually getting primed for payback in the next budgetary cycle. Nothing Public Radio says will counteract the actual truth.

And by the way…I never did see Armageddon…just interrupted fishing. Which is no big deal and proof in itself that the tail really can’t wag the dog.

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2011 Tour of Reality Denial: Part I

I drove across the lakes states recently. Like most states, Minnesota is financially screwed. Their Republican controlled congress looked at an oncoming fiscal problem and waited for it like a stoned zombie deer in headlights. Then, when time had almost run out and hope seemed to be fading, they passed a balanced budget!

…which was immediately vetoed by the Democratic governor. God bless politics!

So Minnesota’s government is now “shut down”. Both parties are trying to shift blame to the other side. The press is egging them on like a bully making two wimps in a sandbox slap each other silly. I know it’s serious but it has the feel of farce. The two parties used to have legitimate differences but the logic boat sailed months ago. Since they didn’t hash out a wise (or unwise!) solution over an entire legislative year (and overtime); everyone looks just as bad as they should look. It’s sad and it’s dark but I prefer to take solace in it’s inner humor. My great nation has two parties reduced to a couple morons in a kiddie pool trying to stay clean by bailing the pee onto the other guy.

Two political parties working toward an equitable solution.

This is no way meant to disparage the good people of Lake Woebegone. This show is going to be replayed everywhere. We’ve already had previews; California (always the first over the cliff) was handing out IOU’s in ’09, the Federal government nearly shut down in April, and the debt ceiling “debate” is going into sudden death overtime.

Check your calendar…I believe there is an election of some import in about sixteen months. The stupid will flow thick from now on!

An IOU issued by California in lieu of actual money. Or as I like to call it...useless shit on paper.

The money has run out and a generation of flower sniffers has no idea how to adapt. They wove a fiscal Gordian knot with debt and hope and they won’t seriously try to unwind it until a couple dozen whacks to the head explains it to them; good and hard.

But then changes will happen. I’m a glass is half full guy! Messy Democracy bumping into the limits of wishful thinking is better than other systems encountering the same thing. The Soviets had an unreal system too but they kept the lid on it for the better part of a century. Americans going to the mat over budgets means real (non-Obama) change is here. Change is ugly. This year has been bad and next year will be worse. But it’s better than a society sealed in lead.

While driving I pondered what I’d encounter in a “shutdown”. I mused that the timing was off. Not too long ago Wisconsin went through it’s own orgy of suck. Madison, the home planet of the kool aid drinkers, just couldn’t take all that dour Midwestern self reliance and went into fits.

A view of Madison Wisconsin without the hippies.

What was the oppression that merited massive protests? Making teachers pay more toward their retirement. Molehill…meet Everest.

Despite it’s farcical nature it was a fine show.  Teachers with megaphones barking insults at a recently and fairly elected governor standing on solid legal ground?  You have to hand it to the folks at Madison, they really thought a wage reduction for state employees was like Lech Walesa standing up to the Soviets.

Overcoming Soviet domination takes balls. Bitching about your retirement fund contributions does not.

I’d just crossed most of Wisconsin and despite what you might have been told, everything there is peachy. Society doesn’t crumble if teachers are in the same boat as the rest of us. Who knew?

Wouldn’t it have made my trip extra special if both states had gone apeshit simultaneously? I’d call it the “2011 Tour of Reality Denial”. I’d make t-shirts and everything! It’s sad when schedules just don’t work out. But I’m an optimist. Just in case things got weird I had my camera in the passenger seat.

As I motored into Minnesota, Public Radio stations fretted that the time of Armageddon was nigh. I was driving into apocalypse. Without continued State spending, wolves would be tearing at the flesh of Dickensian urchins, hippies selling raw milk would kill us all, the power grid would implode, polar bears would die, and our dashed dreams would fade amid the smoking ruins of a fallen world.

Minnesota during the shutdown, as described by Minnesota Public Radio.

If I had the slightest belief that Public Radio was correct, I’d change plans immediately. I’d no more drive into a disaster than I’d sit in a New Orleans hurricane waiting for the tide to rise. Curmudgeons take action so they don’t have to go to the Superdome! If a tenth of the predictions rang true I’d cancel my plans and make tracks for free and stable Iowa!

Fortunately, Public Radio is bullshit. The Rubicon of news bias was crossed years ago. Listening to Public Radio is listening to Pravda.

The New York Times makes fascinating reading.

My entrance was the anti-climactic opposite of the red sunset of doom the radio predicted. It looked like another sunny summer day in America’s fortunate heartland. Being a curious Curmudgeon I sniffed around to see what the real effects were. I didn’t see much. Then, at a gas station, I saw the first sign of punitive ineffectualism.

Stay tuned for part II wherein I brave the world of a State shutdown.

Please visit! Come for the fishing, stay for the mosquitoes.

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A Post In Which I Give The Other Side A Free Swing

Weer’d World linked to an amusing video at Straw Man, Counter Point.

Its a satiric jab at limited government types (myself included!) implying that if you loathe the heavy hand of government you should vacation in Somalia.  Somalia, lacking a functioning government (or anything else) should be a libertarian’s paradise; or so the video suggests.  It’s a progressive jab at everything I hold dear and yet I laughed my ass off. Which leads me to this Curmudgeonly Gem of Insight:

A free man in a free country can always laugh at himself.

Weer’d Beard hammers home that Somalia is not libertarian but rather feudal.  I disagree; Somalia is not feudal…it is Mad Max.  If the shit ever hits the fan and soccer moms in Baltimore are reduced to knife fighting for turnips, Somalia will be saying “welcome to the neighborhood”.

Weer’d suggests that libertarians vacation in New Hampshire (“Live free or die!”) and socialists vacation in North Korea (“Starve and die!”).  Well put.

But I still like the video.  Why not?  We all know that bitching about Obamacare does not set us on a path to Somalia.  (If you think otherwise, stop reading the New Yorker and go outside to breathe some fresh air.)

I’ve linked to the video because… well… it’s funny.  Without humor we’re all just mall cops jacked up into TSA crotch grabbing mode.  Never let go of your sense of humor.  Freedom requires satire.  Its the pressure release that tilts the playing field against raging assholes who, if they have anything in common is a deadly serious attitude and the haunted look of permanent constipation.

So my blog, which is worth precisely what you paid for it, is adding a communist socialist progressive jab at notions I hold dear.  I can take a hit!  I’m adding it to other treasured videos such as slaying zombie grandma on Christmas, codgers detonating alligators, and the miraculous automatic flintlock.

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Happy Independence Day

Colonial Riff Raff: “Hey King, fuck off!”

King: “WHAT?  How dare you mumble disloyalties!”

Colonial Riff Raff: “Mumble?  We’re Americans now.  American’s don’t mumble…we shout!”

King: “What is the meaning of this?”

Colonial Riff Raff: “It’s not complicated.  We want to be free.  You want us to be subjects.  So we’re kicking your ass out.  We thought you might be confused so we wrote our reasoning in black and white.  It’s sort of a ‘Cliff Notes to Freedom’.  You might want to study it.  We explained about the inherent equality of mankind and how government exists only by the consent of the governed.  Heady stuff!  Then we couldn’t help adding several paragraphs about how you’re a huge duchebag.”

King: “But you can’t possibly…”

Colonial Riff Raff: “We’re not into long breakups.  Get your military and your asshole tax collectors out of our lives.  Now!”

King: “I’m the most powerful imperialist ruler on the planet and you’re a bunch of rednecks with squirrel rifles.  Are you mad?

Colonial Riff Raff: “Oh yeah!  We’re batshit insane.  We’re the people that are going to be so goddamn free it’ll make your wig spin.  We’re going to use that freedom to invent monster trucks, land a man on the moon, and unleash disco on the world.  We’re going to get filthy rich too!”

King: “What is a ‘truck’? …and how does one manufacture one of monsters?  Hey, I’m playing into your devilish game and that’s hardly kingly now is it?  Enough of this!  Pay your taxes or I’ll make you!”

Colonial Riff Raff: “Oh yeah?  You and what army?”

King: “Ohhhh now I’m really mad.  You’ll be sorry.”

Colonial Riff Raff: “I forgot to mention.  We’ve got balls of steel.  In seven years your armies will be hightailing it for safety.”

King: “NOBODY SPEAKS THAT WAY TO A KING!”

Colonial Riff Raff: “We do.”

————————-

And that’s how it all started.  A bunch of people who wanted to be left alone and got massively pissed off when taxed.  Americans still want to be left alone and we still get massively pissed at taxes.  We don’t like taking shit and we’ve got balls of steel.  That’s all there is to it.  We’re free because we’re free on the inside.  America is not a location and it is not a government.

Go out there and be free!  Light fireworks with a beer in your hand.  Eat huge steaks.  Make bad jokes.  Smoke, drink, and swear.  Drive big cars.  Fire guns.  Make noise.  Laugh in the sun.  Be as playful and foolish as you wish.

Foppish Europeans (and their domestic counterparts) can sniff about unity and carbon footprints and sneer at our exuberance but that’s their loss and not our concern.  America was never a nation of dour whiners.  Fuck ’em and their handwringing nannyism…we’re free and it feels good!

Howl at the moon and cheer because today’s the day we rolled the dice and taught ossified royalty that free men won’t play by the old rules.

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Declaration Of Independence

IN CONGRESS, JULY 4, 1776
The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America

When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected, whereby the Legislative Powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation, and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & Perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these united Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States, that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. — And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

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Word For The Day: TURD Attack

Time to point out a tempest in the teapot that is CNN’s Eatocracy.  Eatocracy posted an innocuous little ditty called “Five Reasons to buy from your local 4H“.  The article should be about as controversial as beige paint.

Unexpectedly some folks went into a full episode of TURD.

Total Urbane Reality Dissonance (TURD)© – noun; An illogical emotional outburst caused when a clueless (usually urbane) fool encounters the difference between their synthetic Utopian pretend life and the actual reality in which the rest of us dwell.  Example; ‘When he tried to hug the wild moose it kicked him so hard he’ll need training to learn how to drool again.  He had a TURD attack and kept screaming ‘I’m going to sue that mean old moose’.  Meanwhile I drank his beer and convinced his girlfriend to dump him.”

Why freak about some kid raising a pig?  Because farm animals raised by 4H kids are butchered and eaten just like every other farm animal on earth.  The relationship between livestock and food isn’t news to most of us but you can never predict what simple fact will cause morons to have a TURD attack.

Apparently a few geniuses were shocked, shocked, to discover that food doesn’t come from the grocery store.  (Where do these people come from?  Are they hatched from test tubes in shopping malls?)  The end result was “Does 4-H desensitize kids to killing“, a remarkably even handed (dare I say too gentle?) summation of the irrational comment shitstorm.  Here’s an excerpt from a TURD argument:

“…knowing the animal that trusted you from birth is off to be mistreated before being slaughtered! That’s fulfilling? Maybe that’s because the 4-H has successfully desensitized these children…”

That’s bullshit beyond the pale!  Those kids work hard to raise their livestock and don’t deserve to be tweaked by ignorant useless navel gazing dependent jackoffs.  Farm kids raise food.  They create something where there was nothing.  And, yes, that means butchering too.  Whiny handwringers who’ve never raised food or accomplished anything else wouldn’t last five minutes without the backbone of society that serves up everything from arugula to iPods.  I’ve re-written the comment to match reality:

“…knowing that you’re such a useless loser that a farm kid can do what you cannot (and make a tidy profit doing it)!  That’s logical?  Maybe that’s because a lifetime of buying food in a grocery store has oversensitized you to reality…”

Human beings have been, are, and always will be adaptable omnivorous mammals.  Pretending to be an overspecialized herbivorous moron is just fooling yourself.  Food doesn’t come from a grocery store and changing your human nature from hunter/gatherer to furry won’t change it.

A.C.

P.S.  Making fun of vegetarians is fun but I don’t want to paint with an overly broad brush.  If a vegetarian can ignore my venison steak, leave farmers (and 4-H kids) alone, and raise vegetables without weeping when they harvest a carrot, they’re clearly not susceptible to TURD moments and aren’t a target of my ridicule.

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The Libertarian’s Freedom Flush

This post is about civilization, shit, and freedom. Things that make life worth living.

In 800 BC the Holy Roman Empire had indoor plumbing. This was the greatest discovery of all time. Civilization is when you can take a crap indoors. Without that we’re just animals with iPods.

If you don't have plumbing this device just doesn't seem relevant anymore.

Tragically, Roman society became weak, rotten, and hollow. It collapsed like a Congressman’s spine (and for the same reasons). Rome burned and Europe suffered centuries of war, famine, and pestilence. Peasants reverted to buckets.

Some places couldn't flush until just before digital watches became popular (linked).

Fast forward to my homestead. The decrepit septic system was built by farmers that didn’t own a level, misunderstood fluid dynamics, and thought duct tape could fix everything. Frequently I was forced to employ a plunger. Or as I like to call it; “Satan’s reamer”.

This would not do! Civilization would not collapse on my watch! I overcame my cheapskate ways and installed a new septic system. The financial bloodletting was brutal. Like financing a decent used car and then hiring machinery to bury it.

I decided to go big!  They said “this septic design is adequate.” I said “Make it bigger; I want it to be capable of processing a flushed walrus.” They said “you’re nuts and what’s this about a walrus?” I said “I’m paying so I’m the boss and if I want a system the size of Albuquerque it’s my business.” They said “Yes sir!”

The new system went live last year on Fourth of July weekend. God bless America!

Everything worked. Civilization was saved.

Alas, septic can’t go out if water doesn’t go in. A midwinter freeze demonstrated that ice has more volume than water. Global warming alarmist would gain a sense of scale and humility if they had to thaw pipes with a blow torch at 2:00 am. I tried to thaw the pipes in time. I failed. This is why God invented beer.

When life hands you lemons, get out the wrecking bar!

I’d been meaning to renovate anyway. I hemorrhaged more money and worked nights and weekends for months. Eventually we had a gleaming new bathroom.

I'm rather proud of my workmanship. I did wonders with the drywall!

The original plan was to retain the existing 5 gallon toilet. I changed my mind. Our gleaming new lavatory merited a new throne. The old toilet, which had served for decades, was thrown under the bus and mission creep ruled the day.

Goodbye old friend.

Enter the ass clowns bureaucrats. I leave folks alone but hordes of self-righteous wankers don’t extend me the same courtesy. In particular, “environmentalist” political bullies turn me off. I want nothing to do with controlling anybody and I wouldn’t use the transparent fig leaf of “saving Gaia” to cover my inner emptiness. I do not lightly bear the yoke of regulation and fictional justification by eco-handwringers burns to the core. Authoritarians are no friend to the environment and they are no friends to me.

The mandatory low flow toilet is a tragic fact! Folks, there’s nothing more sacred than a man’s morning dump! Intruding on my morning constitutional is regulatory overreach gone nuclear! I don’t care if you’re a certified genius, militarily backed by the Marines, and a spiritual advisor to the Pope; when you determine how much water my shit requires from D.C. you’ve gone too far!

The arrogant putrid worms that mandated water conservation toilets weren’t thinking of the waterlogged uninhabited tundra where I live. Phoenix, which inexplicably chose to build itself where there’s scarcely enough water to keep a dog hydrated, has to conserve water. I don’t. My well…my personal well…the independent and privately financed water supply that is mine and mine alone has no lack of water. Nor does my expansive redneck homestead lack leach field space. Limits make sense in desert cities but the leash goes on us all. Welcome to the future eco-topia where political ass sniffers will force the rest of us to ride bicycles while they fly to Paris to negotiate carbon treaties. A pox on the lot of ‘em!

Al Gore's mental image of my backyard.

Low flow toilets usually suck donkey balls but they’re ok under ideal circumstances. I decided to go “all in” to tune the entire house’s plumbing so low flow would do the trick. I consulted several plumbers and explained that that my sole joy in life was an unclogged toilet. I wanted a toilet that could flush an Ewok. I wanted the throne to remain unclogged even if civilization collapsed, the power went out, and Mad Max warfare consumed the streets. It’s important to have well defined goals in life.  

I picked the biggest baddest toilet money could buy. Then I turned the infrastructure dial to eleven. I wanted this device to flush anything in sight including small children and pets. A stopped toilet is God’s way of saying he hates you and wants you to burn in hell. My plumber was both skilled and terrified of me (I get that a lot). He tweaked the flow and vent system as if threatened by a madman.

I was concerned. If I needed a plunger the terrorists had won.

Success! It works very well. Properly focused and expertly rigged, a 1.6 gallon flush will blast last night’s tamale into oblivion. Between the septic rebuild and the new bathroom I’ve spent the price of a fair used Subaru on…shit. Was it worth it? Yes!

Take heart freedom lovers (and shitters) everywhere. The moral hazard and affront to human dignity of mandatory low flow toilets can be overcome…provided you design everything flawlessly. Whew! Perhaps the depressing inadequacies of compact fluorescent lighting (another crotch grab by Gaia worshippers) had biased me?

Americans deserve toilets that’ll suck the cat down if it gets too close. I have proven it’s possible even amid our Kafkaesque regulatory maze. Huzzah!

Posted in Harangue-a-bang-bang!, Libertarian Outpost, Nanny State Moralizers | 5 Comments

Freedom Means Leaving The Other Guy Alone

As you may have guessed, I love freedom.  For the most part everyone thinks they love freedom too.  But wait…most people who say they like freedom don’t mean it.

Freedom means not only doing your own thing but being cool with other people doing their own thing.  Folks usually can’t resist bossing other people around.  Freedom means a neighbor who doesn’t mow his lawn…right next door to the lawn Nazi who obliterates dandelions on sight.  It means nervous doctors watching yahoos without helmets BASE jumping.  It means risk taking BASE jumpers co-existing with pale gutless doctors who get the vapors playing golf.  It means the Prius hyper-miler getting passed by a displacement laden ’69 Plymouth Barracuda.  It means some guy with spandex shorts painted on his ass might be pedaling a bicycle when you want to goose that Plymouth’s accelerator. 

Freedom means you don’t get to call the shots for anybody but yourself.

A person needs self control, honesty, and a metric shit-ton of humility to let other folks do something they themselves wouldn’t do.  And when we fail busybody assholes get their hooks in.

Og says it better.

“Freedom- or libertarianism, or whatever the fuck you want to call it is NOT ABOUT YOU HAVING THE FREEDOM TO DO AS YOU PLEASE. Freedom is about YOUR WORST ENEMY DOING SHIT THAT YOU HATE AND DOING IT DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU. “

Indeed it is.  I’d like to add a Curmudgeonly corollary about regulations and laws:

“For every regulation you propose, imagine your worst enemy enforcing it.”

“Imagine your worst enemy is having a bad day.  Imagine your worst enemy has the police and military at his disposal.  Plus an unlimited budget to hire amoral lawyers.  Suppose he hasn’t has his morning coffee, hasn’t been laid in a decade, his car was stolen this morning, his daughter just eloped to Botswana with a crossdressing unemployed mime, his dog peed on his shoe, and he just got kicked in the balls…then imagine him applying the regulation to you…good and hard.”

That is the mental image that will reduce regulation nationwide.  Eco-statists (is that a word?) would propose a lot fewer regulations if they imagined that Dick Cheney, Darth Vader, and a maniacal blogger named Curmudgeon got together to run the EPA and also enforce every Federal regulation whenever and however we saw fit.  Especially me because I’ve got a playful sense of humor and enjoy irony.  Imagine the games I could play!

“If you made the hammer; it’s your fault when you get pounded by it.”

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