Adaptive Curmudgeon

[To “throw your hat over the wall” is a mental commitment to do something. By posting this I hope to get my ass motivated. But not yet. All things in due time.]

My contribution to modern literature, Attack of the Lesbian Squirrels, wound up on the back burner. (The only squirrels I’ve encountered lately were served on Thanksgiving when Mrs. Curmudgeon made awesome squirrel rolls.) It’s been months. Too long! Time flies when you’re gettin’ your ass kicked.

I don’t know now many people like the story but I have a few Patreons and an occasional donation and comments seem positive so I’ll call that good enough. I value “squirrel fans” immensely and don’t want them to feel let down. Plus writing is fun. A break in posting is not the end of the saga. More will ensue.

In the spirit of “throwing your hat over the wall” I promise one or more of the following in the next few installments:

• The Gatling gun with the laser sight will be fired.
• Batman will stab someone.
• Bert will scratch his balls disinterestedly.
• Boo will find a job.

I have a complete story arc in my head. Whether it’ll wind up posted in the same form I imagine is an open question; but the plot has a plan. Just to pique your interest I’m going to add two more bullet points. These won’t happen right away but before the end.

• Murder trout.
• Nerd sex.

OK. That’s the season teaser. Wish me luck getting it written down.

There are layers of logins related my hosting service and Patreon and PayPal donations and Amazon and all that stuff. Things have been too hectic for me to go any deeper than check comments and approve them (which allows me to keep the spam out). Each day, after a brief check, I’d shove my nose back toward the still spinning grindstone and leave the blog on autopilot.

I just now I found out that someone, who is clearly the greatest reader ever, dropped a tip in my account. He did it almost week ago and I had no idea. Nothing puts a spring in your step like unexpected good news.

Best Christmas EVER!

My last post gave a vague outline of a couple months of going to hell in a handbasket. I worried it would sound lame but my goal was an optimistic “good luck y’all” to everyone else who’s currently going through the wringer. (I know they’re out there). Sounds like I did ok. Whew!

Part of the mix was the fact that I’ve done limited posting and jack shit related to “monetizing”. That was an intentional decision. Ever hear the phrase “don’t quit your day job”? I didn’t. I “monetize” my writing just enough to keep my blog’s lights on and (I selfishly admit) to keep me motivated to write fiction. A few donations here or there and a Patreon tip or two and I’m suddenly fired up to write the great American novel. (Or in my case, irreverent satire that makes the PC squares jumpy.)

Since I my blog was on the back burner I didn’t expect many Amazon sales… and that’s OK. I hadn’t even checked for a month. Now that I’m slowly surfacing after a scheduling tsunami I had time to check. Despite limited posting and not a single fictional squirrel attack, some folks bought some stuff from my Amazon link`s anyway. How awesome is that? I’m super thankful for that!

Unlike most on-line entities, I don’t track jack. I don’t know if the purchases were from one one person, or many people. Folks who shopped through my affiliate links could be anyone from the Lead Choreographer of the East Greenwich Latina Polka Dance Team, to a homesteader in Alaska, to a housewife in Newark, to white collar squirrels laundering money. But I’m assuming it’s people who like my blog. Thanks folks! Especially, if you’re the dude(s) who bought the Kindles*, you rock!

I didn’t make enough to retire in Tahiti, but I did make enough to buy another bottle of bourbon… which is important because I’m running low. It’s a Christmas miracle!

Thanks.

A.C.

*Resistance is futile

[I spent a while thinking about how to write this post. I never came to a conclusion so I just did it. If it sounds like I’ve gone full snowflake; I haven’t. I’m still the same grumpy self-reliant asshole I’ve always been. Please chalk any overlap between this post and narcissistic whining to my inferior communication skills and an attempt, no matter how ham handed, to speak to folks feeling a bit desperate. Are we cool? Cool.]

I’m thinking of how Christmas is hard on some folks. I’m writing for them today. I can’t make it better, but I can tell ’em they’re not alone

Sometimes shit gets out of control. We’ve all been there. If it hasn’t happened to you, you’re either a saint, a very fortunate child, or lying. The rest of us get it. All of a sudden you’re looking at gorgeous holiday decorations on the neighbor’s porch and wondering when you’ll find enough… you… to keep up. Take heart. Christmas isn’t a competition. Let it go.

I just rode out a small personal tornado of chaos. It kicked my ass. That’s why I haven’t been blogging much lately. I had to let some crap slide; my blog among them. For the most part, I’ve already emerged on the other side. Basically unscathed. I’m almost embarrassed at how worn down I let myself get, but nothing worse than that. I’m lucky.

As Christmas approaches I thought I’d share a little positive nudge for folks who are currently frazzled. Of the people out there who look perfectly together, more than you know are in quiet desperation. You’re not alone and probably the things that weigh heavily on you at the moment will pass in due time. In all likelihood you be fine when it’s done.

Even though I felt like a candle burning at both ends, I know my complaints were tiny. I’m winning the lottery every day by being a free, healthy, solvent American. I’ve got a loving family, my Dodge starts, the freezer is full, and my dog likes me. So I’ve got nothing to bitch about. But we’re all human and plain old life, mundane as it may be, occasionally starts to wear one down.

Not due to any particularly bad decisions on anyone’s part, things got hectic. My schedule started to double back on itself. When you’ve got too much to do and not enough time to do it, everything feels like an infinite loop of suck.

I’m not going to mention details. A wise man keeps work and the rest of his life separate. And for a reasonable definition of “like”, I like my job… mostly. So, just as I said, I’ve got nothing to complain about. All I’m saying is that in the usual ebb and flow of the workplace sometimes a couple cycles will get in sync (or out of sync depending on your point of view); and things feel grim. You start to get that thousand yard stare, like it’s forever. Sure, other people have it worse, but that doesn’t mean you’re in your happy zone.

Of course, any sane person who’s overbooked gets grumpy.

And the solution isn’t merely to work more. I worked my ass off but it was just too much to do and not enough time to do it. If your problem wasn’t caused by being lazy, it’s possible that it can’t be solved by working harder.

Of course, when it rains it pours. I’d hired a guy to do some work on the homestead and that went over budget. Lets face it, every home improvement project always goes over budget. If it doesn’t, you’re a magician.

I tried to fill in with the project. Working nights and weekends and taking time off my job. It didn’t seem to help much at all. All I got was more tired, letting more other stuff slide, worrying even more about my job, and of course… shocking myself while wiring electrical boxes. Nobody thinks straight when they’ve got too many irons in the fire.

Meanwhile, the guy I was working with was like the baby below:

I found myself exhausted, on a ladder, at midnight, in a 10 degree building, holding a trouble light in one hand and a wrecking bar in the other. Trying to nudge along the construction project. To finish it before I went broke.

Then it dawned on me. I was toast. I wasn’t gonna’ win. Just like my hero While E.

So I pulled the plug. As we approached a good stopping point, I warned the carpenter; “When we finish this upcoming task, that’s it.”

“But…”

“We complete this part and we’re done.”

“The project isn’t finished.”

“No, but I am.”

The carpenter is a good man. He earned every penny. He does good work and works hard. I apologized that I’d run out of both time and money. He was pretty cool about it. He could tell I was dead on my feet. He knows I’m not sitting on a hidden trust fund full of cash too. We had an informal arrangement and we were 90% done anyway. I hadn’t agreed to any special amounts, just so much an hour for his work. (I pay all the materials myself. It’s basically cash for labor.) Also, he’s got other jobs lined up. A good carpenter is always busy.

I shook his hand, thanked him for his good work, and cut a check for all the money I owed. All of it. Right then. We both wanted to build more but a check in hand probably helped his attitude while he packed his tools. I hope so. I like and respect him. I ran out of steam, not him.

This is where a survivalist mentality and careful sacrifices in the past paid off. I’m “tapped out” but that doesn’t mean I’m maxed out. It means the money I’d put aside to do the project was gone… and then some. Not that I’d just crammed my nuts in a vice and twisted it with debt. In fact that’s why I’d been working so hard, to keep the project from going too far off the rails.

Tapped out ‘aint no big deal when you’re prepared. A few weeks eating out of the larder and no shopping whatsoever. Done it before and will do it again. We’ll be on an even keel again soon. This is just a speed bump.

And that’s my story, vague as it is, the outline is true.

I had to say “Fuck it. I’m out.”

Sure, it’s not the deepest thought. Who cares? Life is what it is. And it worked. With one less ball to juggle, I soon managed to get a handle on work. As I caught up on that I had one less worry crammed into my head. Eventually I’ll catch up on sleep. In a few weeks, life might be boring again. Huzzah!

I have humble plans for Christmas. I’m going to stagger to the couch and go comatose…. for days.

You know what? It was only a few days ago I shut down the home improvement project and I already feel better. The project isn’t done. I’ll fight that dragon another day. I might even have time to blog again shortly. After all I left squirrels in a gunfight. That can’t stand!

So my whining is small potatoes. Nobody died. I’m not talking about a heroic battle against cancer. I’m not writing a book about how I overcame being hit by a truck while bankrupt to succeed as a motivational speaker.

I’m just saying that no matter how much you’ve got your shit together; sometimes entropy wins.

If this is where you are today, I’m pullin’ for ya! Tomorrow’s another day.  Etcetera.

Besides, it’s almost Christmas. Drink a beer in honor of Baby Jesus and watch Die Hard. There’s a reasonable chance things will work out on their own. Good luck.

In a P.S. to my last post I mentioned I’d had an… um… surprise while wring outlets. I’ve since received several comments, all of which which were awesome. To clarify:

• I was “shocked” not “electrocuted”. Proof of this is that I’m not dead. Good point!
• Apparently everyone has done this at least once. I’ve done it far more often than I think a reasonably smart guy should. I just assumed everyone was better at wiring than me. This may be incorrect.
• I always get the wiring right eventually but sometimes it’s more of a journey than I’d like. Who am I kidding? I’m like a monkey working out a Rubik’s Cube; except in the end it’s all done right.
• Best joke ever: “Whats the natural frequency of an idiot who doesn’t clear and test the breaker? 60 hurts!”

The actual event went like this:

Me: “OK so I’ve killed the switch and I’m gonna’ swap this outlet. The probe says it’s dead so…”

Other Guy: “That’s weird, why is the light on the other side of the room flickering?”

Me: “Oh no that must mean that…”

ZOT!

Me: “Motherfu….”

Other Guy: “Ha ha ha.”

Internet: “You deserved it.”

Sigh.

Yes. It’s true. I deserved it.

First of all, real men start counting at zero. Because computers.

Second, math people are not limited to integers. Thus, you’re reading part 1/2 of a story.

Third, dictation software is not as awesome as it seems.*

More about that third thing: I’ve been inhumanly busy lately. In an attempt to streamline blogging, I dictated a very short story while driving. Fail! Our modern world can livestream Facebook onto a teenager’s smartphone but can’t take dictation worth shit! I have a handheld audio recorder that is a wonder. Excellent fidelity, easy to use, great microphone, etc… My truck, despite having the usual Dodge-ish propensity to steer like a pregnant yak, is pretty quiet. Cruising down the road, the microphone recorded every word crystal clear and with minimal background noise. I also have Dragon Dictate, which is among the better dictation options. I even “trained” it to my voice and vocabulary. Yet, when I fed the audio through Dragon Translation I got this:

These masters will recycle saddlebags is to work you a is is a lot of acorns to fill motors saddlebags is a ridiculously large amount of time him acorns you recycle and dropping them in the saddlebags and was, I wish that I had all the acorns of one a couple days later I returned from my trip is in a box set in the kitchen catches his is usually email territory and it is true is curmudgeon insulin

Three pages of that shit! I dictated the story and even I have no idea what I was talking about. It’s like David Lynch did that talking backwards thing to Eliza Doolittle while she spews a Cockney accent and has a mouthful of marbles. There will be a small delay in the story while I take my laptop behind the woodshed and beat it senseless.

A.C.

P.S. Also, I accidentally electrocuted myself while rewiring electrical outlets. I hate it when that happens. While this has nothing to do with acorns and can’t possibly be the fault of either Dragon Dictate or Dodge, I’m blaming them anyway.

* If you’re about to work yourself into a froth about how awesome Dragon happens to be, tell me what I’m missing. I’ve given it a proper unbiased test. If I use a top notch microphone at perfect tune in a quiet office and dictate very slowly and enunciate like I’m talking to a drunk, stupid, toddler, it’s only modestly useful. It’s probably awesome for repetitious tasks like medical records or if you’re injured but it just isn’t as great as I’d like.

This morning there was one acorn in my boot. Not 50 acorns. Not 1000 acorns. Just one.

Just one!?! Those bastards! The mice are fucking with me! I’m being gaslit by Mus musculus and it’s going to give me a heart attack.

In the next few posts I will explain everything.

Interesting timing. I just hit “post tomorrow” on a 1500 word rant about “don’t use scandal as a political tool unless you don’t have scandal in your circle”. My thesis was that the party of D was ill advised to rely on scandal when they’re knee deep in “issues”.

Ten minutes later I bumped into on a live video of Al Franken addressing Congress. I only tuned in 30 seconds because the banner on the screen had all the news I needed. “Al Franken resigns”.

No shit.

Does anyone think this would’ve happened if Hillary won the election?

Remember, Al was squeezing tits on camera 8 years ago. Why is it a big deal now? An outbreak of civility and good manners? What could Al have done and for how long would he have done it had the election gone a different way? It’s Al’s misfortune that 2017 is the year Hollywood’s dam broke and started the pervnado.  (God I love that word!) Possibly it’s Al’s misfortune that his party is trying to clean house and play a better game.

Meanwhile the CBS talking head was saying:

“…this is bad news for Republicans…”

Sure.

Yeah, there’s all sorts of maneuvering. Alabama’s bible thumping Roy Moore has been weakly accused of something far less than Al Franken and bright minds are working scenarios. Perhaps Moore will lose now? How can we spin this? Can we blame Trump? Russia? Global Warming?

Regardless of CBS and their ramblings, it’s never good news when one of your reliable votes and productive fundraisers takes a dump on himself. Duh!

In the long term, this is good news for everyone. Republic is served best by excellent parties in contention. I don’t want one party that dominates the other. I want all of them to compete. Compete hard. Try to be better than their opposition; not just scream the loudest but actually be good at governance. Lately both parties have been careening around fat, drunk, stupid, and apparently pervy.

If the Dems are cleaning house, good for them. Even if it took Trump’s win and many months of screaming helplessly at the sky to motivate them. It’s never too late to stop sucking pond scum in the ditch of bad decisions. If they really roll up their sleeves and clean up their act I salute them. I’d be happy if the party of R also sought excellence. I want both sides (and any third parties that are ready to punch above their weight class) to nut up and spend 2018 in Thunderdome going at it with hammer and tongs. I want the best and the way you get the best is competition.

If Trump’s terrifying hair is what made both parties get back to basics… so be it. This will be a fine accomplishment and a reason enough to love our messy, goofy, nation and it’s loud annoying president.

In seemingly unrelated news, the DOW is up 31% since Cheeto Jesus was elected by Deplorables and Russian spies. (24,140/18,332) I’m sure CBS can explain how that’s bad for Republicans too. They’re smart like that.

Obviously, life is more complex than a simple index. A soaring DOW can mean many things, including inflation or a bubble. But it’s never “bad news”.

Also, for the sake of humanity, would someone please take Paul Krugman behind the barn and beat him with a calculator. Why is he still employed? He said “the stock market will never recover from Donald Trump’s presidential victory“. It recovered immediately and then hit the afterburners into a 31% run which is still going. It’s almost mathematically impossible to make worse predictions than that flaming dipshit Krugman.

[This is Curmudgeon’s dog. I was off sniffing rabbit tracks and found him ranting at the computer. Humans! They can’t be left unattended can they? It’s tough being Curmudgeon’s editor. You never know when he’ll do something stupid like start ranting about politics or chase the mailman.

Anyway, I dragged him away from his keyboard and shoved his head into a snowdrift. Then I barked at him for an hour. After that I took him for a walk. That seemed to work.

He promises he’s back on the bandwagon. He says his next post will involve circular saws and/or acorns. Thank you for your patience.]

Theo Spark provided this handy representation of the Mueller Probe.

You can stop here if you want. It’s not the season for politics.

You’re still reading? OK, that’s your call.

I’ve been avoiding political commentary. Negativity is bad for everyone (including me) but it has given me time to form a theory. Maybe the stupid has to happen. It seems avoidable yet fools stick their finger in the light socket over and over. Is it necessary? Does the universe demand it? Are we watching adults learn lessons they failed to grok at age 11?

Figurative shovel handles hitting skulls that should know better merits a Curmudgeonly Gem Of Insight:

“When given the temptation and opportunity to do something monumentally stupid, it’s a perfectly reasonable choice to take a deep breath and let it go.”

After the 2016 election lots of people went ape. I can understand disappointment (who hasn’t seen an election where their preferred choice got pounded?). But the cult had an overdose of cognitive dissonance and went into a tailspin. Disappointment is normal, denial and anger (and riots in the street) are not.

Desperate to rationalize that the thing they just witnessed couldn’t possibly be true… even though they saw it with their own goddamn eyes… folks started plotting. They may think they’re Machiavellian but they’re not. They’re like teenage girls deciding to rumble with Thor. They might sprain Thor’s big toe but he’s just going shrug and hammer their ass into the pavement for getting in his way. Calmer heads would say: “Stop! This won’t work out well for us.”

Anyway, to end my bad metaphor, it took a few weeks for everyone to give up on their first idea. They weren’t going to recount their way out of this one. Math doesn’t listen to whining and Trump won beyond the margin of cheat.

Then, when wiser heads would accept that elections matter and promise to show better governance before the next job review in 2020, another dumb idea took root. They seized on Russia, Russia, Russia. That bitch Marsha gets all the attention and everything is her fault. It wasn’t an accident; the idea had been seeded. The minds that received it were fertile soil.

I remember thinking “after what the DNC did to Bernie Sanders they’re going to investigate the election?” Really? Isn’t that the last thing they’d choose to investigate? Won’t they bump into 30,000 e-mails? State secrets are on a convicted perv’s laptop and the one who facilitated it demands investigation? (Also, God bless Weiner for having such a great name.) Won’t sniffing around Russia dig up the uranium deal? Will it reignite Benghazi? Isn’t this going to bounce off Trump’s thick skull and land on his opponents?

It’s like Cheech and Cong demanding the cops look in the trunk.

You’d better be purer than the new fallen snow if you’re going to unleash amoral lawyers with unlimited budgets. Witch hunts have a way of backfiring. I’m not the first guy to notice this. Didn’t Jesus say something about who ought to cast the first stone? Or was that a proverb about glass houses?

Who among the Trump’s opponents considered what they were trying to do? Like maybe pour a stiff drink and sit in a comfy chair and turn it over in their minds. Is this a smart idea? Where will this lead? Are tactics based on scandal the best arrow in my quiver? Are they likely to hit Trump? Could they boomerang and bite me in the ass?

Trump has been pretty careful. He’s been in the limelight forever. Nobody knows much about about Obama’s past. Sometimes during the campaign it wasn’t clear where Hillary actually was. Bill Clinton (who doesn’t own a private plane but seems to borrow them freely) appeared on a tarmac to meet Loretta Lynch and thought nobody would notice an entire fucking jet. By contrast Trump is tracked. If he took a shit at the restroom in a Kentucky Fried Chicken in 1978 someone remembers it. He acts like a man who’s used to being monitored. Scrutiny has honed him. Conversely protection from scrutiny allowed many of his opponents to act like Caligula and stack skeletons in the closet like cordood.

You don’t use scandal when your main driver has 30,000 emails hanging out of her back pocket, a pissed off commie in Vermont with cultlike fans, married a man who fucks employees, and is associated with a convicted perv named Weiner. This is not their strong suit. The party that made Chappaquiddick a household name thought it wise to go after a man who doesn’t drink? The candidate that made a shady 10000% profit and has a charity that seems to do no charity is challenging the ethics of a man who’s every business deal (including failures) is analyzed on the front page? Investigations find skeletons in closets. Don’t start one if you live in a graveyard.

Nobody knows where this is going. (Though I’m sure it’ll be fun to watch.) They shouldn’t have created Frankenstein’s monster and turned it loose with the naive assumption he won’t show up in their own living room.  Strange things happen. Half the reason Wiener’s perving put him in jail is that his wife was Hillary’s right hand man. Investigating Hillary’s fishy real estate deal unearthed Bill’s spooge on a blue dress. Secrets have a gravitational pull on overstaffed investigators and Trump doesn’t seem very secretive. Russia, Russia, Russia advocates should know this; especially Hillary. How did the wife of a disbarred lawyer forget?

Regardless, things are proceeding accordingly. A zillion dollars and hundreds of people spending endless man hours all year have unearthed… not a lot. The investigations don’t make James Comey look better. His prints are all over memos trying to bury Hillary’s 30,000 emails. And he’s fired. Michael Flynn is formally accused of nothing except saying the wrong thing to a man with a badge. It’s called “aggravated class II Martha Stewarting”. The Russia dossier is discredited and was paid for by the DNC? How does this make Trump look bad?

There always could be a bombshell. His opponents, lacking evidence, hope he’s dirty. Raise your hand if you’ve heard “this time we’ve got him” in the past. Did any of them work out?

They’re projecting. The left side of the spectrum is awash in “issues” and assume everyone else has the same weaknesses. If Trump is secretly a Russian spy that throws orphans off the roof of Trump Tower I’m pretty sure someone would have spilled the beans by now. Eventually investigators are going to have to justify themselves by finding fruit elsewhere. The low hanging fruit is the group that created the investigators.

Now I’m going to segue into what happens when a bad idea boomerangs. Consider the current pervnado. (The best word ever!) This summer, the media was shocked shocked shocked to discover that Hollywood, spiritual home of Woody Allen and Roman Polanski, might have a few pervs. Why discover this in mid 2017? I suspect it was a handy distraction from the dying Russia, Russia, Russia narrative. The damn broke and it’s drowning everyone. Weinstein is toast and that just got the ball rolling. You’d need a spreadsheet to list the names. My favorite is Kevin Spacey. When accused of sexually harassing a 14 year old he explained “I’m like gay and stuff”… which is like responding to an accusation of carjacking by saying “I totally dig croissants”.

What do you do when scandal is not your best trait? If you’re one of two political parties you use scandal to go after an aged bible thumper in Alabama. Was this wise? Did they consider where it would lead? Did they think “is it good planning to drag the pervnado from Hollywood to the Senate?” Of course not.

So what happened? Everything happened as it should! Accusations targeting the decrepit bible thumper were weak. In due time they were discredited and he seems to be doing well in the polls. Meanwhile, Senator Steward Smalley from team investigate for malfeasance is explaining a photo of him kneading the tatas of a USO performer in a flight suit. Would this have happened if folks in the opposition weren’t trying to use scandal as a tool? Would any of us know that Congress has a special fund to pay sexual harassment cases without the pervnado? Are any of the revelations harming Trump or his party? Was a wounded Minnesota Senator a good trade for failing to fix with the Alabama Senatorial election? Wouldn’t wiser heads have let sleeping dogs lay?

Al Franken’s issues are what a backfire looks like.

As 2017 leads to 2018 I can almost hear their thoughts. “Let’s put that shovel on the ground and stomp on the motherfucker once again. This time we’ve got him for sure. OUCH. Well it didn’t work that time but lets try the shovel again…”

My last post mentioned Gator fan, convicted felon, and former United States Congresswoman Corrine Brown. She took the time, during congressional testimony, to utter these sage words:

“One, two, three, four, five, them there Gators don’t take no jive!”

She reminds me of currently serving Congressman Hank Johnson. I posted about him in 2014. On March 10th, 2010 the esteemed Mr. Johnson asked the Navy, during congressional testimony, if putting additional military staff on Guam would cause the island of Guam to capsize:

Remember these two duly elected nitwits whenever anyone uses a phrase like “tarnishes the dignity of the office”. Dignity has nothing to do with winning elections, democracy, or our republic. (Most Americans don’t know the difference between a democracy and a republic anyway) Screamingly stupid people can and do find their way into positions of power. People who talk about “dignity of the office”, but only in reference to a party or politician they dislike, are either idiots or journalists (but I repeat myself). They should be kicked in the Gators and have Guam dropped on their head.