Last year was rough. I responded by being extra careful with my health. (Not an unwise choice.) This year I’m feeling a lot better (though far from prefect). A trip I’d been delaying “had to happen”. Mrs. Curmudgeon and I spent what seemed like a million hours hurtling through “who gives a shit” at the “speed of Dodge”. We’re beat. Even the dog is exhausted. (My theory is that anytime I’m not on an airplane or a motorcycle I can travel with the dog; so we do.)
Unexpectedly, the exhaustion and mental strain has a side effect. A bit of the “old Curmudgeon” has emerged. All men secretly think they’re a bad ass just this side of Chuck Norris and I’m no exception. In times before last year I often did crazy shit simply because “why not”?
I’m not saying it’s good. I’m not saying it’s bad. It’s situational. Apparently my road-exhaustion overwhelms my new-ish resolution to take better care of my health. I keep looking at sketchy food and saying; “Fuck it, I’m too tired to pursue a fresh salad or something. I’ll eat that thing right there and see what happens”.
Last week I needed a sip of something to take some medicine. The tapwater wasn’t very tasty so I opened a “fridge of mystery”. It was an adventure. There was unlabeled Tupperware, things wrapped in paper which I couldn’t identify, and something unholy called “oat milk”. I was hoping for a can of Coke or whatever. Instead, I found a half drank bottle of cran-apple juice. It was the best I could do.
New Curmudgeon is supposed to say “oh dear, that’s sketchy” and motivate his ass to the grocery store. It’s not rocket science to buy something in a sealed container. Current Curmudgeon was in a reckless mood. Down the hatch! Later, I realized the juice had an expiration date in January. Oh well. I didn’t notice anything. Cran-apple is pretty harsh, it probably killed any microbes.
Yesterday, I was home (finally!) but completely poleaxed. I made some coffee and opened our own fridge. We had 90% emptied it before the trip but there was an opened bottle of cream. I wanted cream for my coffee. The important part here is that Mrs. Curmudgeon was elsewhere. I was, therefore, unsupervised.
I sniffed it like a drug detecting dog. It seemed fine. I observed it as it poured, sniffing carefully all the way. As far as I could tell it was fine. Why fret over such a small thing? Am I not a harried and mentally fried Curmudgeon? The coffee was delicious. See? Everything was fine.
Three hours later my organs exploded.
I hate that! I just can’t tell. Mrs. Curmudgeon identifies such things by pheromone and therefore never gets caught off guard. As a person who never misses a trick she’ll leave anything in the fridge knowing that only an idiot would eat certain things. I’m just that idiot. Neandertal that I am, a dairy product can have evolved into a new life form and I just can’t detect it. Mentally damaged? Maybe. Insufficient senses? Certainly. Sick all afternoon, definitely. I was meaning to lose weight anyway.
Today, the coffee was fresh and the cream had been replaced by Mrs. Curmudgeon. She wants me to live! It was delicious! I drank it all. I mean the whole damn pot. I’d been craving our house’s coffee. We don’t skimp on coffee grounds and the coffee we make at our house tastes better than anything I ever found on the road.
Several hours later (just now in fact) I was once again… unsupervised. I wanted more coffee. But I didn’t want to waste the grounds for a whole pot. I decided to make an emergency Keurig. Our Keurig has been collecting dust forever. I literally keep it for “urgent coffee emergencies”… including the once in a blue moon need for decaf. In any other situation I’ll percolate in leisure or use the regular coffee maker.
I washed off the dust and found our Tupperware sealed box of K-Cups. Inside the Tupperware was a still unopened box of Death Wish K-Cups. I popped one in the machine. I’m drinking it right now. It tastes OK. Certainly better than the shit I drank while on the road.
However, I just checked the box. It is “best by October 29, 2019″!
2019?!?! Good grief, that really is a Death Wish cup of coffee!
That said, I’m not too worried. Who knows what unnatural things are stashed in a K-Cup? It’s not like there’s a vegetable in there or anything. I’m guessing it’s pure chemical mystery that has nothing to do with actual “food”. It’s likely just as good as the day a factory excreted it onto an assembly line.
Or, maybe in three hours, my organs will explode? I’m kinda’ open to either scenario.
I think it’s time to go on a rampage and throw expired shit out. I need “day zero”… the day when the fridge (and old K-cups) were ruthlessly eradicated. But first, I’m sipping this delicious coffee.
A.C.
Update: Tomorrow, to atone for my sins, I shall percolate a pot of coffee manually. Fresh grounds and a warm flame. I will also bake a loaf of bread. After all that time on the road and eating at McDonalds and similar poisons of modernity, I need to get back on the bandwagon. I shall stop rolling the dice!
Yesterday, I made tuna salad with a can of tuna that expired in 2023. The can looked fine–no dents, rust, or sketchy-looking areas. I’ve had tuna salad two days in a row and so far, so good. On the other hand, I don’t think I’d try cream or milk past its expiration date.
Keep in mind, 2000 year old pink salt has an expiation date.
The packet of my Himalayan pink rock salt says it is said to be over 250 million years old but also that it is best before date of 8th November 2026 …
I don’t think that it will be chucked out on 9th November this year (or next either).
Phil B
I think the law requires them to declare an expiration date. They put a date on WATER. You know, the same water that’s been rotating through the evaporate, rain, flow downhill cycle since the earth has had water. Admittedly that might be more of a commentary on the safety of the water bottle, but it’s still water.
In 2011, I bought (online) Costco green coffee for $6 per 3.75lb can. My autism made me buy lots of cases and stash it cuz Obama. You get it.
Anyway, it roasts and brews like new.
We are in the same boat. Yesterday I had a hankering for some plain ol’ pasta. Stuck my nose in the pantry and found a box marked 2022 expiry, it’s pasta, what can go wrong? Well, I can now attest to the fact that pasta can taste like cardboard dosed with cat hair when boiled. Not to mention the little packet of powdered ersatz cheese, that one I sniffed, retched and dumped not willing to add to the boiling pasta.
This led me to inspect the entire pantry…. that was a mistake. All the cans of corned beef, soup, cheese (yes-canned cheese) had dates far enough in the past where they could now be of voting age. I know I should toss the lot, but then $$ gone and where is the adventure of finding out if 5 year out of date corned beef from Brazil is still edible?
“an expiration date in January” What year?
“I was, therefore, unsupervised.” Uh-oh.
I’m glad you survived.
Vac packed and frozen coffee beans are immortal.
The date on some products refers to the can itself. Really.
My cans of cheese-like substance and something else (salt-infused bacon IIRC) have no dates because the FDA has determined the products are still good after five years.
There’s actually a subreddit called “Grandma’s Pantry” with these kinds of expired things in it. It’s pretty…horrifying.
Educated Savage
my rule is, “if it aint green,fuzzy, or smells bad, it’s good to go”. i too have paid a steep price in the past for me misinterpreting one of the clues. il.chuck
“IN MY DEFENSE, I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED” should hold up in court when rash decisions have to be made on the spot. The consumption of ‘sketchy stuff in the back of the freezer’ – ummm, I don’t want to spread any rumors but that can be construed as “Consequences”. Even when it is late at night and you have no wish to go anywhere.
But people do this stuff all the time – what could happen ? And it was done for pushing the limits of Science !
God gave us a nose for precisely this reason. Some work better than others. You would be horrified by my pantry and expiration dates. Soup 6 years past date is fine. Hasn’t hurt me yet. Watch for rust and any bulging and give it a good boil before eating. Canned tuna is also no problem. I have canned pork that is 15 years old and if you add a bit of BBQ sauce it tastes fine. veggies and fruit? Again no issue. Some high acid things like tomatoes are best within 5 years, but canned meats will last a very long time. Kraft Mac and Cheese could outlive us all if packed properly.
Now…fresh dairy like cream? Not going there. 5 day rules apply and are strictly followed with a good sniff before using.
Have some Greek yogurt and recover with water, some Gatorade or equivalent.
Our dumb ancestors who could not deal with a smart phone handled worse.
Us bachelors understand that, if it is green and in the refrigerator, it did not start out like that. ALWAYS discard any such items!!!
“Update: Tomorrow, to atone for my sins, I shall percolate a pot of coffee manually. Fresh grounds and a warm flame. I will also bake a loaf of bread. After all that time on the road and eating at McDonalds and similar poisons of modernity, I need to get back on the bandwagon. I shall stop rolling the dice!”
Please do so. K- cups are dangerous to humans as are all unfiltered coffees. K-cups have microplastics and potentially carcinogenic oils in them. Paper coffee cups are lined with a dissolving microplastic liner that become microplastic when hot liquid is added. Despite all of the bitching about different ways to make coffee, The safest way is still an old fashioned percolator with a paper filter served in ceramic, porcelain, or stoneware cup. Less carcinogenic and acidic compounds are found in filtered extractions
Michael C
Co-owner NorthStar Coffee Roasters
Physician