Am I The Pallet People?

Years ago I started hacking pallets apart. I “made” nail-free kiln-dried camping firewood. I’d blast through a bunch of pallets in an hour or less. I’d get about 50% useable firewood (in short lengths) and 50% nail ridden health hazards. The firewood went in a new, clean, dry trash can where it stayed dry and readily available. I hauled the junk to the dump before it wound up embedded in my truck’s tires.

I’d throw the trash can with the useable firewood in my truck and haul it on camping trips. There are campsites at State and National Parks where you’re not allowed to bring in your own firewood. Kiln dried wood (with no nails) is an exception. You can bring that in. (Kiln dried wood has no pathogens, unlike the hunks of tree I chainsaw and split in the usual firewood gathering method.)

I thought it was brilliant. I still do. It burns clean, quick, hot, and complete. I’ve cooked more meals on pallet wood than any non-hobo you know.

I’m not camping much lately but I had plans to “man up” for a late autumn campout. (It’s only October so I figured I could push my health a little.) I hacked enough pallets to make a full trash can of good clean campfire wood. Alas, I just wasn’t up to camping. Sometimes it’s better to listen to your body than push things too far.

Luckily, I have been healthy enough to putter around my workshop. (Which is awesome!)

I dragged the trash can to Betsy (my workshop’s woodstove) and burned it all up. There are worse fates than messing with miter saws and brewing coffee with pallet wood heat in a haphazard workshop.

So far, so good.

I started wondering if I could get good useable “project” wood out of pallets. I’m not low on funds now but I will be soon. Could all this (free!) wood keep me occupied and off the streets? Lots of people use pallet wood but often they’re making decorative things. I don’t make decorative things. Nor do I have access to really excellent pallets.

I gave it a shot. I even scrounged up some oversized (6′ long!) pallets on the logic that a 6′ pallet might yield a 6′ board.

Nope! First of all, a 6′ pallet is just heavy enough to fuck up my back. I have regrets. Second, the 6′ boards were thin and mostly already split. So I didn’t free up anything great.

I watched some YouTube and got more ideas… none of which were particularly miraculous. I got various bits of crappy wood, some with nails and some without, at the expense of far too much labor. Most of my noble efforts wound up tossed into the woodstove.

You can watch YouTube and get the wrong idea. It feels like clever dudes are getting stacks of straight glorious hefty oak planks in eleven seconds. It feels like I’m a dumbass for getting heaps of split, bent, thin, crappy, warped, aspen and pine. The truth is somewhere in between. Either they’ve got pallets nothing like the shit I’m messing with or I’m just seeing the cream of the crop. Did you know, things in the real world are not like the internet? Shocking but true!

Stepping back a bit, I got shitty wood from my shitting starting materials after a lot of work; which is exactly what you’d expect!

I keep trying, and I’ve got piles of “not quite good” wood gathering in my shop. It’s not great but it’s not nothing.

Then I read a bit of prose written by Chirsopher Schwarz, a very thoughtful woodworking guru. I recognized myself in this: Earlywood: The 6 Personalities of Workbench Builders.

The Cheapskate gets down to business: I want to build a Roubo workbench, but I’m tight on fundage. We’ve got these pallets where I work, and I’m wondering if those will work? I don’t know what the species is – something weird – and the stock is thin and filled with nails and spiral screw things.

I am certified in counseling The Pallet People. So I know what to do.

He knows! He satirizes where I was going.

I was drifting into the realm of the pallet people! Time to pump the brakes!

I’d burned hours acquiring wood that’s really not that great. I could get better wood for $25 at the local mill. It would take ten minutes and they’d load it in the truck for me. I’m not awash in cash but I’m not scavenging to survive in a post apocalyptic wasteland either. It won’t kill me to buy a decent pine board once in a while.

I’m not giving up entirely. I’m cheap at the molecular level and can’t go “cold turkey” on pallets. I’ll still hack up campfire wood (and maybe some fuel for Betsy.) I also have some projects that call for shitty wood. I might build them out of the shitty wood I’ve accumulated.* I’ll get some satisfaction out of that. But in my experience there’s no miracle gold mine in scrounged pallets; just a righteous workout and maybe cheap firewood.

I salute Schwarz for putting out humor (and logic) that keeps me grounded.

A.C.

*Mrs. Curmudgeon views this with suspicion. She fears I’ll make shitty projects with shitty wood that look shitty. Which is precisely what I’ll do. I’m not really into “keeping up with the Joneses” and don’t care what stuff looks like so long as it serves its utilitarian purpose. What can I say? I’m happy brewing coffee with pallet wood in an antique stove in a dusty garage so that’s just how I am. HOAs exist specifically because guys like me exist. It is what it is.