All Hail The Legitimate King Who Just Killed His Way To Power: Part 5

In 1066 English King Godwinson was put in the big chair to replace King Edward who was dead. This was done by a counsel of “wise men”. So the succession is done right? Nah! Harald Sigurdsson, King of Norway wanted to have a little discussion about the matter. Harald had some sort of justification as to why he ought to be king. Among his arguments were a complicated family tree and terrifying abilities to kill. His boats landed eight months after the coronation. Harald unloaded his army and did what Harald normally did to announce his arrival. He began killing everything in sight. Godwinson was up against a legendary foe!

This wasn’t King Harald’s first rodeo. He’d been killing people since his opponent, King Godwinson, was a child. Unfortunately(?), it also meant he was old. King Harald wasn’t the complete death machine of his youth. He died in battle. His lifetime as an absolute boss (both in tactical prowess and athletically bludgeoning people to death) came to an end on English soil.

Harald, might have given England the most powerful (and terrifying) monarch it had ever seen. He was now “the corpse formerly known as Sigurdsson” and that was that. [In case you’re wondering, it’s not uncommon to be King of more than one Kingdom at the same time. King Harald’s prowess with cleaving skulls had built an impressive empire.]

History reminds me we are all mortal; even Harald. He was a Viking’s Viking; the ultimate bad ass. The kind of guy that would make us shit our pants if we saw him walking down the street. He’d take on anyone, anywhere, anytime, for any reason. He was less a man than a tank in human form.

Time always wins. When England was weak, Harald was too old to seize the opportunity. He tried and failed; he literally died trying.

Does any of this sound familiar to Americans in 2021? Can we think of a leader reduced to inadequacy due to age? Try this experiment; whip out Google and watch a speech by Biden from 20 years ago. I’ve done this. I’m not kidding about how it will affect you. Give yourself 5 minutes and watch him from any time from about 1990 to about 2010. The topic doesn’t matter. Watch his vocabulary, grasp of details, presentation, presence. I’m no fan of Biden but he wasn’t always a drooling shell. Then, watch a speech given by the man in 2021. Force yourself to watch it. Don’t listen to a talking head “journalist” summarize it, watch the actual man say actual words. It’s almost painful.

I end this post with a salute to King Harald. If he didn’t wind up in Valhalla, the place doesn’t exist. (Don’t bore me with blather about baptized Vikings… Harald went to Valhalla because that’s where hard core motherfuckers like him go.) Biden, meanwhile, was never tough enough to wash Harald’s codpiece. Biden’s Corn Pop story is what happens when a lying wuss wants to feel like Harald.

I’ll also note that Harald didn’t stroke out in a chair (like FDR) and King Godwinson didn’t dispatch him with a sternly worded letter. One died in battle and the other was there to make that death happen. Neither one called a “lid” and toddled off to get an ice cream cone.

So, was Harald’s claim to the throne valid? Nobody cares. He died.