Tomorrow’s post is all about the deadly menace of an unattended Audi. Those of you who’ve read the entirety of Attack of the Lesbian Activist Squirrels know the scoop. Those who haven’t may be baffled. For them, I’m offering a brief plot synopsis.
In Chapter 3, Part 5, Ayn Rand’s Desciple Takes A Punch Billy got dumped. He fell prey to a perfect storm of bad financial luck, a girlfriend with no idea what “poor” means, and her willingness to “trade up” to a trust funder with a better car. Being the stoic young man he is, Billy let it go. Always seeking to capitalize on the moment, he pivots from his old life of financially struggling college student to a sketchy new life of college dropout trying to swindle/earn the squirrel’s online wealth. It’s not out of a sense of charity that he strives to deliver them to the homeland of the useless; Portland.
In Chapter 3, Part 21: The Allure Of A Life Of Crime Doogie reveals his brilliant plan to protect each of them against serious prosecution. “You must commit a small crime which is the alibi for the larger one we are living.” Doogie has obtained beer while underage. He instructs Billy to sabotage Robert Maglowski’s Audi. Icing on the cake is that Robert is “an elitist chowderhead” who moved in on Billy’s girlfriend.
In Chapter 5, Billy Deploys An Attitude Adjustment: Part 05: Bullshit, The Eternal Nemesis it is revealed the squirrels have attacked Doogie’s mind with bullshit. Intellect being an incomplete defense, they’ve brainwashed the brilliant but vulnerable young lad. Against his will, and with full understanding that Billy will extract Biblical retribution if he discovers the betrayal, Doogie phones an anonymous tip that the Audi will be vandalized by a racist drug dealer. Doogie knows any kinetic interaction between Billy and law enforcement will surely get out of hand. It’s likely to destroy Billy, as many assailants as Billy can take down, and whatever is in the general vicinity. Yet, he cannot disobey the squirrel’s indoctrination regimen. Such is the terrible menace of bullshit.
Fortunately for everyone involved, Billy’s stoic nature is highly resistant to bullshit. In Chapter 5, Billy Deploys An Attitude Adjustment: Part 08: Attitude Adjustment Billy abruptly deprograms his suffering friend. For this seemingly impossible task, Billy needs five minutes, six steaming hot cups of coffee, and page 43 of his newly purchased copy of “Genetically Improbable Sluts”. The two re-establish their friendship while Bart the racist bear administers history’s first interspecies turbo wedgie to a jittery graphic novel colorist who drives the Ghostbuster’s vehicle. Unfortunately, Extreme Greeters attack in Billy Deploys An Attitude Adjustment: Part 15: Bart Meets A Non-Racist and it completely levels the building. All thoughts of alibies go out the window as our two heroes unass the area in a hurry.
You thought I was just making this up? You thought the threads of the story didn’t tie back together? Hell no, everything makes sense, this ‘aint Lost.
Tune in tomorrow as law enforcement addresses the deadly Audi.
Set out like that, it seems perfectly obvious, sensible and reasonable. What’s not to like?