Yesterday’s post concluded Attack of the Lesbian Activist Squirrels: Chapter Six: Adult Situations With Differential Equations. Nothing lasts forever and you’ve read to the end of what I’ve written. I hope you liked the story so far.
You know those guys who write books; actual published authors. I wanna’ be like them when I grow up. Unfortunately, it’s just as hard as it sounds. At this stage, my battered and marked up hardcopy of the story clocks in at around 249 coffee stained pages. Damn… that’s a lot of work! Authors are clearly dedicated sons a bitches because writing a book is hard!
Because it’s 2020, I’d like to mention I’ve posted 65,000 +/- words and there’s not a single damn one cajoling you to do… anything. The world needs stories that start, entertain, and end without once demanding control of you or your tax dollars. Would that the propaganda mills and Karen-bots stampeding lemming-like to the tune of their own insecurities simply create good stories. Then again, it’s a lot harder to create than complain.
A person who can destroy but not create will do you no good. Knowing this allows one to dodge a lot of hokum.
A mea culpa: I created a self imposed rule of favoring metaphors above the ephemeral weirdness of the daily hubbub but dove under the bar to mock Paul Krugman. A kinder man might take the high road I’d planned but I’m an asshole and simply felt like it. Also, I couldn’t figure out a way to weave the galactic incorrectness of Paul Ehrlich into the story. A story about bullshit that failed to mention both Krugman and Ehrlich is unthinkable. You can’t have intellectual error without those two any more than you can have Thor without a hammer. Forgive me.
Don’t worry about the future, more chapters will follow and (no matter what the dipshits on TV say) you’re likely to get a chance to read them. The free ice cream machine just needs a little downtime; a fishing trip or three, a vacation, or perhaps I need to get a puppy. Soon enough, I’ll write again. After all, 2020 is a year of exquisite stupidity; so muses abound. (If you haven’t noticed the power of bullshit you haven’t been looking out the window.)
In the meantime, I’ve got a special treat. I’ve already written a rough draft of chapter seven! It’s not yet ready for primetime, but I’m putting it up for public view anyway. If you want a peek behind the curtain, this is your chance. You’re welcome to click here.
That is all for now and thanks to everyone for their generous support.
A.C.
Thanks, AC. Too much ALAS in one dose is bad for my ABBA addled brain!
You need a puppy that likes to sail.
Nicely Played with Chapter Seven
I’m particularly proud of Chapter 7. I’m glad you like it.
I’m one of those book-writin’ folk you mentioned. I don’t claim to be an expert on the process by any means, but I have written and published three books and am working on a fourth.
Just a couple pieces of advice, things I’ve discovered as I went through the process.
1> Writing books is hard. Until you finish writing a book, then you discover writing books is easy, and publishing books is hard. Until you finish publishing, then you discover that writing and publishing books is easy, but marketing books is a real bitch. I’m sure there’s probably a stage after that, but I’m not there yet. Maybe you’ll do better since you aren’t building an audience from scratch?
2> Most books publish in 5.5″ x 8.5″ or 6″ x 9″ these days. Really throws a wrench in your digital page count; at 65k words I’d guess you are probably around 170 pages.
3> Personally, I’ve found that about 80,000 words tends to be the sweet spot. Any shorter and your book is so thin you can’t do anything with the spine. Too much longer and the publishing costs will high enough that no one will want to buy a hardcopy – you’ll have to charge “more than people are willing to pay” just to cover the printing costs.
4> Get an editor. People are pedantic and will bitch non-stop the first time you use “it’s” instead of “its”.
5> It’s not without financial risk. I put about $1000 all told in the three books (editing, cover art, etc). I’ve made that back, now, plus a little (very little) more, but I’m cheapskate – laying out a grand that I may very well lose entirely was a tough step for me. I probably should have spent a bunch more, but I couldn’t justify the expense to myself.
6> Get a good laugh out of your reviews. My favorite is the guy whole panned my books and said they were, I quote, “Simplistic and suited for teenagers”. I write Young Adult fiction. So… mission accomplished, I guess?
7> Ignore publishing advice from people who have never written a book. You’ll get a lot of it. Heck, I’ll probably get a lot of it writing this comment.
There you go. Happy if it helps other burgeoning authors. There’s a lot of drek information out there, and a lot of people who will happily sell you their lessons for the low price of $500.
Thanks for the insight. I’ve surely got a mountain to climb, but at least I know it’s been done before.
I’ll keep my $500 for important expenses; like bourbon. In fact, there are a million “writer’s workshops” and I’m terrified of them. I’d love to learn more but fear the workshops are more for people who want to be seen as writers instead of those who are successful writers and are just honing their skills. I don’t know if they’d help or tie me in knots.
But just think of the entertainment you could get by attending one of those workshops and tying it in knots!!!
If you do it right, you could probably get BANNED from ever attending another…
“Welcome to the Pretentious Writer’s Self Appreciation Workshop. Lets begin by genuflecting at this bust of Karl Marx and then wading through a mile of emo poetry written by wine soaked cat ladies. Oh what’s this interruption? WHO LET THE IDIOT THAT WRITES ABOUT SQUIRRELS INTO THE ROOM! BAN HIM!”
Welllllll…..we’re waaaiiiiiiitttttiiingggg….. Not gonna peek; it’ll be worth the wait. And adopt an older pooch. One who already understands OPSEC, why ear scratches are important to both of you, the joy of snoozing by the woodstove and the shop means guy time.
Rick Astley? What sick, perverted weirdness are you going to inflict on the world that uses Rick Astley’s 1987 crap songs as part of the story line? The mind verily doth boggle.
You are one weird, twisted puppy. I’m proud to know you! >};o)
Thank you for the hours of free entertainment, Sir.
I worried about you when Dog passed. I know that pain.
I’m glad you liked it.
I still mourn my dog; likely I always will. But that’s the price of a good dog and it’s well worth it.
AC, thank you for continuing the story! It’s been a long dry spell for us (but apparently not for you, who’ve been working all this time), but it was well worth the wait.
Take your time, we’ll be here. As for me, at least, I’m as dumb as Bowling Pin Chicken–I just keep coming back (stupidity can be its own kind of intelligence. Damn, that statement really DID sound dumb, now didn’t it?).
I thought it thoroughly entertaining! You’re doing great work, keep refining it, keep writing more of it!
So the Analyst is YOU
Shh… you’ll break my cover.
At the risk of causing offense, I do NOT want to see you in anything revealing.
Even if I wore a hand stitched mink Speedo like Chigger? 🙂