A New Year’s Resolution You Can Keep

Congratulations! You’re not dead!

You know what that means? It means the New Year approaches and you’re still on the best side of the grass. For you, you lucky mammalian miracle, the cycle begins anew. Life (or at least the calendar) is reborn. In some way you are too.

Isn’t that wonderful? Time is the greatest wealth. You begin another orbit of the sun; laden with opportunity and hope. Likely, you’ll enter it with a buzz and spend the first day nursing a hangover. You rebel!

But beware! Be alert! Don’t go condition white! The future holds risks.

There will be more stupid.

Stupid cannot be defeated. Stupid is eternal and infinite. The best you can do is to hold it at bay. I’m rooting for ya’! I hope you keep the stupid at arm’s length. Despite a universe filled with joy and marvel, even for the richest, safest, healthiest human beings ever to walk the face of the earth, avoiding stupid seems to elude so many. They mainline stupid and caterwaul at things they dislike. They’ll go batshit until November turns the dial to eleven and then (regardless of the outcome) they’ll collectively take a dump in their own head. Most of my readers intend to steer clear of the stupid. Good for you!

Yep… 2020 draws nigh and we’ve all got a mandatory ticket for the three ring circus of stupid. For some folks, it’s main event. Hint: it’s not.

But don’t feel sad. I’m here to help. I’m offering an alternative to both stupid and its handmaiden; low quality bullshit. As much as I can, I avoid canned, pre-existing, non-nutritious bullshit that serves only to annoy. The bullshit that oozes out of media is low quality. It’s imported, artificial, and entirely unfulfilling. It’s on a subscription service and you’ve already been billed for it. You will receive your yearly allotment good and hard. Watch out for low quality bullshit: Facegram and Instatwitter, Karen from HR, MSNBC/CNN/QWERTY/WTF, and of course bleating politicians. They’re prepping for their favorite hobby; rehashing substandard bullshit. Deflect, avoid, and evade. Bob and weave! When they’re setting up the fan and squatting over it, bug out!

But life can’t be too serious. Like trace elements of vitamins and minerals, a little bullshit is good for you. I’m offering better bullshit. My bullshit is fresh, free range, organic bullshit. The good stuff. Distilled from the universe and carefully tended by a man who talks to trees. Grown in a mix of sarcasm and bourbon; fortified by bacon and fart jokes… it’s the best bullshit out there. My blog’s bullshit is carefully grown, harvested, and lovingly processed into the into the kind of top grade bullshit that provokes a good solid belly laugh (or perhaps an occasional “WTF was that about?”).

What do you have to do to receive this bullshit? Nothing. Not a damn thing. Check my blog from time to time and that’s it. I ask nothing but that you laugh.

You’re welcome.

“But it’s the New Year!” I hear you whine. “Everything has to be expensive and hard; and I need to make a New Year’s resolution that I won’t accomplish.”

Have no fear. If free bullshit is too easy, I offer you the best thing ever. A resolution at which you can succeed:

Resolve to donate to this blog; to pay for bullshit you’d otherwise get for free.

I humbly offer the opportunity to send me donations via Paypal or Patreon. I’m in the mainstream here. It’s easy and it’s popular. The whole concept is market tested and loved by millions. Our world is built for this. It goes like this:

“Like fresh air? Here’s a $200 set of hiking boots.”

You could walk with whatever is on your feet but where’s the capitalist feedback loop in that? Walking is lame. Hiking is awesome. A $200 pair of ‘Eco-striders” is better than whatever you already have… because you bought them!

You can easily pay me to write the bullshit I already plan on writing. I promise I’ll appreciate it! The links are here:

Then, if you wish, flaunt it. You can tell everyone how awesome you are. Go ahead! You should and I support you.

“You know the clueless fool that strung together an offensive parable about squirrels and disco? I funded him!”

Or you can keep it to yourself. Whatever floats your boat.

“Stories about some sort of activist woodland mammals? No idea why that’s on my browser history. I only surf about work and football. It must be a mistake.”

Either way, you’ll have more fun with a donation than you will just buying stuff. I’m sure of that. I wouldn’t lie. Trust me, I’m an expert in bullshit.

If you’ve already donated or subscribed, thank you. I’ll be sending thank you e-mails as soon as I end my self-imposed digital blackout. My e-mail software is bitching at me so I know I’ve gotten an unknown number of donations. I’m telling the software to hold tight. I want to stay quasi-off line until I get a few more squirrels posts done. Best to stay focused (both on writing and family) for a few days.

Also, if you’re broke and can’t afford to donate. Don’t. I’ve been there and I get it. If you’re struggling, you don’t need more burdens and I’m not pressuring anyone. Your time will come. Do what you can, when you can do it, and in the meantime enjoy the free bullshit.

Happy New Year!

A.C.