I wanted to free my trailer for another sail/camp trip so I set to work. It’s hard work lifting stove bolts off a trailer and stacking them. But I was pretty diligent and just over an hour later the trailer was empty.
After I’d stacked everything I checked it with a tape measure. I expected 2/3 cord but it measured out at only 1/3 cord. Huh?
That’s weird. I’m usually good at judging such things. But it is what it is. Clearly I made mistakes in my estimation and must accept that I’ve amassed less firewood than I’d hoped. After all, it’s right there in front of me and tape measures don’t lie. In fact…
RUSSIAN COLLUSION! THE GODDAMN RUSSIAN SECRET AGENTS CAME AND STOLE MY FIREWOOD. THEY INFLUENCED ME THROUGH FACEBOOK ADS. THEY MADE THE WOOD VANISH!
I’M GONNA’ GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS. I’LL INVESTIGATE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF IT AND EVEN IF A 400 PAGE REPORT HAS NO SOLID EVIDENCE WHATSOEVER THAT RUSSIANS ARE STEALING FIREWOOD… I DON’T CARE. IT CERTAINLY DOESN’T PROVE THEY’RE NOT STEALING MY FIREWOOD. AFTER ALL, THE ONLY OTHER OPTION IS THAT REALITY DOESN’T MATCH MY PROJECTIONS AND THAT’S TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE!
A third of a cord. Hmmm. What can we do with that.
I know. We will create a new unit. We will call it the saving FACE CORD. It will be exactly one-third of a cord. We will be able to tell our admiring spouses that we must be in GREAT shape. We cut, split and stacked a full face CORD of wood. We can sell face CORDS of wood to unsuspecting city slickers for the same price we would sell a full cord to a neighbor.
Problem solved.
Ha ha ha… someone who gets the face cord situation. I have 1 1/3 cords but I could call it 4 face cords (like everyone else does) and that would be more.
Effin’ Russians! I usta heat almost exclusively with wood. This explains a lot. Or not. YMMV.
Re reality vs. projections: I believe the late Robin Williams said it best: “Reality. What a concept”.
Those pesky Russians are very sneaky. Have you checked your tape measure? A classic Russian maneuver would be to shorten the tape ( each marked inch is only 7/8 of an inch of distance).
Far easier to tamper with the tape as all security is focused on the wood. Who would steal a tape measure?
That leaves the wood available to be removed when the furor has died down. This technique was perfected under Franklin Roosevelt.
Ah ha! Clearly I don’t have actual firewood I’ve got fiat firewood. It seems like firewood but it shrinks every year and we call it inflation.
What the Russians are doing is altering the measurements a tiny bit at a time. It has been going on for a long time which accounts for the “less wood for the same amount of cash” that has been noticed.
It is a bit like this:
https://dilbert.com/strip/1996-11-02
All clear now? >};o)
Ha ha ha.
Obviously, the problem is that you had Facebook firewood. Very little is actually as it appears. And Zuckerberg probably sold the missing firewood to the Russians as a way of monetizing you.
I see my problem. Since everything is Facebook and I didn’t post a photo of the woodpile I got no “likes”. If there are no “likes” it doesn’t exist. I’m sure any Millennial could have explained it to me.
Dammit!!! Those SOB’s were here too!
Awsome! You are already 1/3 cord ahead of next winter, have some whiskey. OR- Man, that’s too bad, you only have 1/3 of a cord toward next winter, better have some whiskey. See the Kentucky solution? Now ask me if you need another gun.
Nice logic!
Lesbian Squirrels are behind the theft.
Hmm…. I ought to password the wifi near the woodshed before they take over.