Sometimes You Just Have To Ride It Out: Part 3

[Warning: My story went off the rails when CNN injected politics into my life. If you’re aiming for a political theory free life (which I wholly applaud), feel free to skip today’s post.]

Terrifying memories of dental mistreatment from my youth were replaced by something even worse: television.

Also, The Price Is Right is still on TV! Why!?!

I slapped at the infernal device and managed to put it on mute. It’s actually a monitor for displaying X-rays and shit, so there was no “off” button. Angrily, I pawed at it until I changed the channel. CNN. Aw hell.

Hm… Actually, this might work. Embrace the suck! Is not politics its own form of Soma? Don’t repeat patterns soothe the fearful? Fine, I’d roll with it.

I’ve been more or less off grid for a few weeks. CNN on mute should fit perfectly now that I was uninformed, half-drugged, nervous, and essentially forced to watch it.

CNN displayed various pointless graphics on the screen and I sorted through my mind trying to assemble a timeline of each “news” topic’s cycle. It was indeed relaxing.

I’m preachin’ to the choir here but I’ll explain one of my pet theories. Here’s a Curmudgeonly Gem of Insight:

“News” is no longer based on reality. Therefore, it doesn’t have the messy complexity of the real world. This means it’s as predictable (and relevant) as a sitcom’s plot.

Observing the “news” is like watching an ant farm of people in suits. The ants churn along age old ruts; oblivious to alternate paths. They slavishly follow a pre-determined storyline. Everyone pretends it’s “new”.

Each topic arrives (is invented?) and cycles through “events” or “stages” of development. Each event within the overarching topic has an expected call and response pattern.

Everyone knows their role. They must stay in their assigned role for the call and response to work. Nobody breaks the pattern. That’s why you know what Jerry Brown will never compliment a coal plant (even if it does something that’s good for the environment) and why you won’t see Clarence Thomas doing bong hits (even if pot is legalized). To leave your role is to risk your career!

(One rare exception is the Orange Menace. When it suits him he’ll deliberately mess up the call and response. That’s how he can make everyone in DC, from both parties, go apeshit on command. Nobody in DC, of either party, likes varying from the call and response pattern.)

Doubt me? Here’s an example; when there’s a tragedy the first thing they do is make a “call” to the president and broadcast his “response”. “Mr. President, what do you think of evil terrorists who blew up a truckload of kittens this morning?” That’s the call. Why do they even have to ask? Do they think he was somehow unaware of the event? Do they think he won’t comment without their prompting? Do they think he’s happy about it?

Then comes the response. Is the president going to say something unexpected? Of course, not! That would ruin the call and response pattern. The president will say something like “our thoughts and prayers are with the victims of this awful bad thing”.

Call and response. You already know what both sides are going to say so it’s a reassuring pattern. Not a single word varies from our expectations. I’ll accept the news is informative when I’m surprised. If the press says “ISIS blew up some fluffy kittens this morning but who gives a shit, let’s talk about the deficit” I’ll take notice. If Trump says “it’s irrelevant that kittens are vaporized because I’m more interested in discussing the situation in Syria.” I’ll pay attention. When nothing unexpected happens, you’re still in the pattern.

Everyone does call and response until the next “event” or stage. Once the new stage is breathlessly reported, the old stage is kaput. Nobody cares about it anymore. Interest in the old “event” will vanish within days or even hours.

Overall, a topic’s cycle will run through routine stages or events until a different panic du jour arrives to push the whole topic aside. Skipping one of the pre-programmed stages within a topic is verboten; each stage must play out before they’re ready for the next stage. The exception is if a new topic is incredibly compelling. Then the old topic can be dropped before cycle completion (see Summer of the Shark).

Yes, I really do think that way. Thanks for asking.

I encourage everyone (of any political bent) to test my theory. It’s easy. To begin you must unplug from the news for a while. This is key, you need distance from day to day chatter. For some people it’s a scary thought. Many folks have never been removed from a constant flow of “news”. Unfortunately, you can’t see the water when you’re in the aquarium. So, take a deep breath and give yourself a media vacation (and that includes F***book ya’ll).

When your mind is fresh and you’re thinking of things that exist in reality, like your tomato garden or taking the kids to the park, you’re ready. Dive in to observe the “press” and whatever bullshit they’re hyperventilating about right now. Think about patterns and see if you’ve watched this movie before. Make predictions. See if they come true. After a few years of jumping out of and back into the “news”, it becomes second nature. Spend some time practicing and give it an honest try. See it if I’m just a nutty blogger or if I’m on to something.

One warning; once you can see the pattern, you can’t unsee it. Also, it’s a bit weird after you’ve seen the pattern to interact with everyone else who just believes what they’re fed.

The dentist peeked in and saw a formerly agitated patient staring at CNN and drooling. She smiled. Television had done its job.

I gave a lopsided Novocain smile. Was it “go” time? Nope. She left. Damn!