Gear Review: SpotX: Part 1

John Wick convinced me to buy a two way satellite communicator. It was a hard sell but he did it.

Image is linked to Amazon. You don’t have to buy one, but if you use my link it costs you nothing extra and I get kickback large enough to buy a six pack.

I’m a cheap bastard; historically willing to die in a ditch rather than pay for an ambulance ride. With time (and the tiniest hint of wisdom) I’ve mellowed. (Or maybe I’ve gotten soft.) This spring pried open my wallet with a crowbar and bought a SpotX communicator. Among its functions are the ability to be a search and rescue beacon. I’ve been testing it the last couple months to see how I like it. Depending on your situation, you may want to avail yourself of this new technology.

A SpotX is (in my eyes) a big ticket item. Not a purchase taken lightly. It’s either priceless or pointless; possibly both. Also there are pros and cons to anything and this choice meets my needs but I can see how it might annoy folks with different sensibilities. I’ll post my experience with the SpotX and the reason why I bought it and you can decide for yourself.

I thought I’d begin my review by talking about Keanu Reeves. Why? Because it’s RELEVANT dammit!

(Link to SpotX on Amazon here.)

Don’t worry, he’s got this.

SPOILER ALERT!

(Note: I’m not sure it matters which John Wick movie you see. They’re all the same John Wick movie. I say that even though I haven’t even seen the one in theaters right now. “John Wick Episode III: the Wickening”.) The plot of John Wick is all about pre-paid emergency contingency services. There’s a lot of splattery killing but that’s true of most Hollywood crap, it’s the contingency planning that makes Wick special.

To summarize: Neo from the Matrix gets righteously pissed when low end thuggish criminals act unforgivably low end. They go full thug on his pet. Never go full thug! Never mess with a man’s dog! That’s a key plot point in Wick. Thugs ignore the limits of acceptable behavior and that’s not OK. Once they’ve taken a shit on society, the rest of us cheer for a violent nutjob who kills them in box lots. We see ‘em get stabbed, bludgeoned, kneecapped, shot, burned, blown up, bent, folded, and spindled… and it’s fun to watch. Kids, here’s some helpful Curmudgeonly advice, don’t go into a career of thuggery! (Also, you might want to avoid politics, but that’s another story.)

As required by modern political correctness, Wick has a few moments of mandatory soul searching before getting his freak on and expending bucketloads of ammo. You can fast forward the existential angst; it’s John Wick, not operatic tragedy. After Hollywood checks the box for “tortured anti-hero” they let Wick off the leash and he starts genociding the entire thug level criminal population of New Jersey.

He keeps it classy though. Even as he depopulates entire city blocks, everyone he nails had it coming. It’s the reverse of 1970’s TV. A few decades ago the A-Team could spray automatic fire all over primetime TV like they were paid by the fired round; not a drop of blood was seen. In our current era, Wick does expertly placed double taps to the head from arm’s reach; we’re delighted because the bad guys needed killing. (A little social observation by the Curmudgeon there. Take from it what you will.)

When he’s not killing everything in sight, Wick interfaces with non-thug bad guys too. He hires their very classy services of villainy. For their part, the services are so smooth and efficient I can’t help but be jealous. A few non-thug mega-villains (sexy assassins and such) try to kill Wick but they too behave in a generally polite businesslike manner.

Aside from the “pre-paid contingency services” and differentiating disposable deplorable thugs from super cool tie wearing mega criminals, the movie is no different from any other vengeance fantasy.

I’ll add one other caveat. Keanu Reeves can’t act but he can shoot. For those of us who work on our marksmanship and tactical skills, it’s a pleasure to watch someone exhibiting proper stance, grip, AND AIM! (Contrast Wick’s front sight aimed enemy vaporization with annoying James Bond “magic shots”. Roger Moore’s James Bond would shove a Walther PPK out the window of a speeding car, wave it in the general direction of Russian Collusionists, and (having been granted a +9 on all D20 rolls) blow the right front tire of his assailant’s Lamborghini. How Moore can left-hand a moving backwards shot on a 3” patch of squealing tire is never explained; because it’s inexplicable!

Beyond ACTUALLY AIMING, the main thing Wick does right is keep his membership payments up to date. He’s got a platinum executive loyal customer membership throughout an imaginary supervillain’s society and it makes all the difference. Wick can stumble, covered with blood and trailing body parts, into the lobby of a swanky super-secret hotel and they politely handle his shit. He instantly checks into a room that includes complimentary breakfasts, excellent pet care, and bullet wound sutures.

In my humdrum life I wind up at the Super 8 next to the Interstate. They take good care of Wick’s dog while I have to wonder what I’m going to catch from the sheets. No wonder we like the Wick fantasy!

Wick has excellent car insurance too. He mercilessly destroys his car over and over again but pre-paid chop shop muscle car restoration services fix it tout sweet. He can show up with thirty seven bullet holes and a dead mobster stuffed in the grill of his muscle car and it’s fixed faster than State Farm fills out the paperwork for hail damage on a Honda.

He’s got home maintenance services on retainer too. When Wick splatters a half dozen home invader’s organs all over his living room, he’s got concierge body disposal on speed dial. How awesome is that? I can’t get a pizza delivered to my house but Wick’s carpet is presumably steamed clean within hours of a gruesome gunfight.

Wick knows it too. Well aware of the value of good services, he thanks everyone, tips generously, and smiles. That’s a good personality trait in anyone; especially rampaging vigilantes.

In Wick’s world, everyone he’ll need is already vetted, paid off, briefed, and supremely effective. Even the cops know what to do. They show up at a firebombing where the only thing left is Wick and a crater and it’s no big deal. “Hello Wick, you’ve got a lifetime membership in the crooked cop’s retirement fund. Therefore, this explosion was clearly caused by a faulty toaster.”

As I was watching Wick rack up an epic body count, I commented to Mrs. Curmudgeon; “this is an ad for good insurance”. She ignored me. But I’m right!

Since he has paid, in advance, for important services, Wick’s ass is covered when he gets in too deep. The whole system kicks in to keep him alive. That’s an important lesson! We all would like John Wick level contingency services.

Unlike Wick, I always rely entirely on myself and it sucks. Particularly in the wilderness, I’ve a lifetime of flying solo. I’m not a psycho-killer on a one-man war against the mob but after the movie I finally decided to move on a purchase I’d been mulling for years.

In my next post I’m going to explain why a SpotX is my version of John Wick’s approach.