[This is the second of a two part post. I left the first part in the queue rather than letting it go live. Quite by accident, the first part (which I’d carefully wordsmithed) addressed politics with insufficient satire. For example, it lacked squirrels, explosions, or competitive knitting. What was I thinking? It doesn’t seem right to contaminate a week of happy gopher based stories with reasoned arguments. Putting part one on ice for now is a present to my readers. (However, I want it known the post did include the phrase “pantsuited warrior for justice, who comes equipped with a halo of vaginahood and wields a +3 mace of insider powerbroker connections”. I don’t want y’all thinking I totally fell off the satire wagon and took things seriously!)]
The people who wrote Caddyshack knew the story America tells itself about its true soul. They also predicted the entirety of our most recent presidential election from the remote stone age of 1980. Imagine that; people so primitive they paid quarters to play Pac Man at gas stations knew to cast future President Trump in their movie!
Here he is; President Trump from 1980:
I’m a real estate developer with gobs of money and horrible fashion sense. Vote for me!
Caddyshack squares the obtuse but optimistic Trump against an angry Hillary Clinton:
Everyone who isn’t part of my private club is deplorable.
Predictably, the energetic, risk taking, Trump does everything imaginable to annoy the elites. Sometimes on purpose. Sometimes by accident. Trump is rich but not elite. He’ll never be elite. Also he earned his own money and is therefore not beholden to anybody, which encourages him to say outlandish things. His very existence annoys the multi-generational elite establishment who walk around like their shit doesn’t stink. Trump also spends his money on gaudy trinkets, at which the elite sneer disapprovingly:
President Trump loves gadgets. Here he demonstrates an internet connected golf club. (In the background you can see his beer dispensing golf bag.)
As with most elites, Hillary makes it a point to be seen engaging in socially conscious activities. Here she’s pictured with a quaint little wooden boat which is wind powered. It was built for her by some hired deplorable who’s sawdust covered presence was not welcome at the boat’s launch. She makes sure to signal her green credentials by wearing a jaunty sailor outfit, calling a press conference, and giving a lame speech. She is never seen actually sailing.
I’m dressed like Popeye.
Trump, who clearly enjoys NASCAR, has a boat of his own. The boat is “yuge”! It takes the sheen from Hillary’s carefully scripted announcement of her candidacy.
When she doesn’t get her way, Hillary gets angry and violent:
She also misuses executive power by manipulating a scholarship fund; thus spending other peoples money to get her way. When that doesn’t work, she dismisses the person who will not participate in her scheme as unworthy and doomed to lower class servitude:
As the clash of cultures heats up, rural bloggers redouble their survivalist preparations:
Meanwhile, Trump tries to woo Republicans to his side, which doesn’t go over well. They form a group called #NoFuckingWay. It is dedicated to electing virtually any human being who went to Yale. Trump, a plaid wearing menace, did not go to Yale. The entire situation infuriates Hillary who went to Yale and shortly after graduation failed the bar exam.
Unwilling to participate in what seems to be shaping up as an outbreak of chaos, a creepy blogger retreats to his hinterland outpost. Possibly listening to an internal monologue only he can hear, he begins to document the threat of rodents who like disco.
Are you the one that’s downloading Abba on my wifi connection?
As Trump and Hillary face off the tension mounts. Bets are placed and it looks like Hillary is about to go from rich to richer. Unwisely, everyone doubles down on an already shaky situation. The movie concludes with the last putt of the golf tournament; which causes protesters to go apeshit:
The Russians did it!
If you think a week of gophers, culminating in a Donald Trump / Rodney Dangerfield political analysis, is a good use of the internet, feel free to click below. Even if you don’t hit my tip jar you owe it to yourself to watch Caddyshack. You’ve worked hard all week, enjoy.
Here. Have a cookie.
Awesome! Cookie appreciated!