A Quick Exploration By ATV: Part 3

Posted on October 31, 2019 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Like I said, navigation was a puzzle. I found a sign that said there was gas and food 12 miles to the south. Good to know. I suspected that was roughly where I’d left my truck. I continued heading north.

Soon I found a sign telling me there was gas and food 12 miles to the north. Interesting. It tripped my mathematical spidey-sense. Why 12 miles both way?

I wanted nothing to do with people (which is how I interpreted food and fuel) so I started taking random turns. Later on, I found one saying I’d find gas and food 12 miles to the west.

This just felt weird. Either I was in the exact geographic center of a 12-mile circle of nothing, ringed by civilization in all directions, or someone had a bunch of pre-painted signs that said 12 miles and was just positioning them as necessary.

Eager to avoid what felt like a ring of civilization at a 12 mile horizon, I turned toward the last cardinal direction; east. Then I jumped on and off a half dozen differently named trails marked for different uses; ATV & Horses, UTV (which includes ATV) & OHV (jeep like things), ATV & Horse but only snowmobiles after such and such date, etc… it’s a damn ecosystem of rules. Feel free to ignore the next paragraph:

*In case you’re wondering: an off highway vehicle (OHV) is nothing like an off highway motorcycle (OHM) though both can be street legal. A Rokon motorcycle (only some of which can be street legal) will go anywhere but the rules inexplicably ban motorcycles from some trails so lame a Geo Metro could manage it. Meanwhile, an all terrain vehicle (ATV) which you straddle like a motorcycle is usually narrower than some arbitrary limit (48″?). This means it’s an ATV1. An ATV is different from what everyone calls a side by side because they seat two abreast. These are called a UTV and classified as an ATV2 based on width. If it’s got a track it’s a snowmobile and can go on snowmobile trails but (maybe?) not ATV trails. If you put tracks on an ATV or UTV (which is common) they’re not snowmobiles because steering is not allowed with articulated front track sets(!).  Argos are amphibious. If it’s wet it’s a boat. If it’s muddy it’s an ATV1 (for a 6×6). If it’s an 8×8 and they don’t exist. If you put tracks on an 8×8 amphibious Argo it steers without articulated front tracks but it’s not a snowmobile because stop asking these damn questions. If you float an Argo in a lake adjacent to but not surrounded by Forest Service while it has tracks on, the regulations begin to glow. If you do this while duck hunting the regulations explode. See? It’s easy to understand the rules.

Toward the end of the day, I found a cool looking trail that I was dying to try but it was heading further away from the truck and the afternoon was waning. Uncharacteristically, I turned towards the truck with plenty of time left. No point in pressing my luck.

Oddly, this is not far from where I found wheelchair accessible fly fishing platforms. How cool is that? The road leading in was dirt, but the “trailhead” was paved and the path to the platforms was a boardwalk. We truly live in a fortunate time.

Wheelchair accessible fishing spot.

Halfway home I found an alternate trail going basically the same direction I expected to lead me to the truck. I’d been cautious once already and that pretty much consumed my daily allotment of being rational.  I swooped onto the side trail and zoomed away.

This route was way fun! Much more aggressive. Even so, my little ATV was easily up for it. (The operator gets some credit too. I know how to squeeze the most out of a machine’s abilities without flogging the machine!) It was great fun and soon I was climbing a ridge that looked far more remote than the rest.

I loved it! It felt dank and mysterious. If there was going to be a horror movie, this is where it would go down. Meanwhile it was getting late. The ATV has lights but they’re not great. (I had flashlights too but that’s not as good as actual sunlight.)

Also, it was cold and when the sun went down it would be below freezing for sure. I didn’t want to freeze on what was meant to be a lightweight happy tour. I started humming the Gilligan’s Island theme.

Sing with me ya’ll. “A three hour tour… a three hour tour.”

At the top of a ridge I was blocked by a tree. Damn! I explored ahead on foot. Another tree in 50 feet. Then another tree at a quarter mile. Then a jackstraw mess after that. It looked recent.

I had enough food to feed an army, a warm jacket, firestarting stuff, flashlights, navigational everything… but I’d left behind both my bowsaw and my chainsaw. I think maybe a chainsaw rack is a new thing I need! Now it was getting close to dark.

Before y’all start complaining that I’m a wimp and a teeny weeny tree like that wouldn’t stop you, these are two of what looked like several dozen trees. And I was out to relax… not go logging with a Swiss army knife (which is the largest blade I was carrying). I could have MacGuivered my way down the trail, building bridges, hacking and slashing my way across the forest but it would be dumb. Without a chainsaw it would take forever.

The wise thing to do would be to backtrack to the larger safer trail. So of course, I put it in 4×4 Low and tried to overland around it. Half a mile later I was deep in a patch of freshly fallen trees from last week’s windstorm. Bigfoot couldn’t get through that mess. I sure as hell wasn’t going to weave an ATV through it. Damn!

The way back wasn’t overly obvious (I’d gone off trail big time by then) but I carefully picked my way back to the blockage and admitted my folly. If there was going to be a horror movie, I’d probably driven right to the center of it.

Reluctantly, I headed back. I hate backtracking. (On foot I can clamber over a lot more than an ATV can handle!)

By then the temperature had dropped 10 degrees. I stopped and swapped to warmer gloves and put another coat over my coat and thanked myself for having the basic common-sense paranoia to carry “too much” stuff. Aside from my eyes, which burned in the cold bitter wind, I was OK. (Maybe I need to buy goggles… or a real ATV helmet.)

The last vestiges of daylight were accompanied by a sign that told me I was 19 miles out… probably. At least the name seemed familiar and the numbers were clicking down instead of up. I knew I was heading in the correct compass bearing and that was a good sign. Twenty miles isn’t so bad on an ATV but after a lifetime of hiking it seems a lot. Twenty miles is half a night’s walking on foot. Such a difference!

It was nothing to worry about though. Soon I was buying gas near the trailhead where I’d left my truck. It amused me to pump gas straight to the ATV rather than lugging a gas can home.

It wasn’t too adventurous but not too boring either. Perfect really. Just the right amount of fun and no more. Soon I was back at the truck, cranking the heat, and realizing I was seriously windburned. Who cares? I’d done the right thing with my limited time in the sun. What could be better?

A.C.

P.S. I still want an Argo… the mind is never truly rational.

Posted in Fall_2019, Travelogues, Walkabout | 7 Comments

A Quick Exploration By ATV: Part 2

Posted on October 30, 2019 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

The interesting thing about ATVs (or rather my personality) is that I never every use them for fun. I’ve got shit to do. They help me get shit done. They’re not toys so much as colleagues. The closest to “fun” my ATV has ever seen (since I’ve owned it at least) was a dead deer slung over the cargo rack. Why? I have no idea.

At the trailhead, it was supposedly 55 degrees. It felt like 30. It was windy but not raining and that’s better than the rest of the month! I’d jammed a daypack full of crap and reflected to myself that I usually prepare far more thoughtfully. Tough shit, time to roll. I strapped my daypack to the front cargo rack, rolled off my worn-out utility trailer (the same one that was a makeshift boat trailer all summer), and was gone.

You know those dudes in ATV ads that are dressed like astronauts and equipped better than Louis and Clark when they ride? I looked nothing like that. I didn’t even wear a helmet.

I look absolutely nothing like this.

[Rant] If you’re about to bark at me about safety… back off. I rode a bicycle without a helmet as a child, as an adult I run chainsaws, use guns, and drink liquor. These are the things adults used to do without comment. Now we act like it’s an OSHA nightmare. I attend to safety but don’t shit my pants driving an ATV down a trail like I need goddamn battle armor. Life is to be lived and the safest thing to do with an ATV is to not own one. On this trip my biggest risk was hypothermia and getting lost. For that, I was amply prepared. [/Rant]

I just cruised along easy peasy. I was in no hurry. For one thing I had very few tools and frankly know jack shit about ATV repairs anyway. I wasn’t about to push it and break my old ATV. For that matter I was out there to decompress, not race. Nor was I equipped for true mayhem (see: no helmet above).

The best ATV is the one you have. Note the SPOT satcom clipped to my daypack. I’m trying to get in the habit of always having it. So far it’s working out OK.

In the woods I tend to hike where I want to go. ATVs are fast. They change the scale. I don’t have a speedometer so I didn’t know how fast I was going. I don’t have an odometer so I didn’t know how far I’d gone. All I could really say was that an hour after departure I’d gone far enough that it would be a fucking death march to get home.

Not that I was worried. I had all sort of navigational shit with me. I had a county plat map, a snowmobile trail guide, my GPS (which I never turned on), and my trusty SPOT (which has both communication and location capacity). Unlike my usual activities, this was a low key day. If the ATV crapped out, I’d overland with feet and compass to the nearest road and SPOT text Mrs. Curmudgeon for a ride. (How I’d retrieve a dead ATV is something I’d have to figure out later.)

Oddly, the trail system turned into a novel navigational mess. I had a million ways to plot a course to extraction but was instantly lost on a simple trail system. I’ve never done trails before and it was all new to me. I also, and incorrectly, associate trails with rich people and spandex wearers on mountain bikes. It’s just not my scene. I’m more of a slink through the underbrush kinda’ guy.

The trail system was ample and convoluted. There were signs everywhere and none of them matched my plat map OR my trail map. I was baffled by multiple overlapping jurisdictional bullshit divisions… each with their own signs.

I eventually sussed out that RCE was Rock Creek Equestrians. Their signs that said something like RCE-B-23, and presumably these bits were for horses (which share some but not all trails with ATVs). Regardless, it didn’t show up on either of my maps.

Other signs had a mysterious icon. I eventually deduced it to mean snowmobile (which also shared some of the trails). I was (as always) annoyed that we have a perfectly good language (English) but somehow post literate fucknuts now run society. “Snowmobile” is ten letters. Just use the damn word. Icons are annoying, as if there might be illiterate Estonians on the trail and a cartoon that looks (at best vaguely) like a snowmobile is the wisest way to mark things.

Maddeningly snowmobile sign XR-98.1 didn’t match the snowmobile map I had in my pocket. In fact the map mostly served to confuse me. I think the map came from the local snowmobilers (Happy Pine Snowmobile Enthusiasts) and the trail signs emanated from some vaguely state level snowmobile trail sign database. The signs looked like they cost more than they ought to. Whoever is in charge of the signs would probably rather be going over budget on a highly-funded, never finished, monorail in LA than putting up trail signs in the forest.

Then there was series of ATV/UTV trails with various names; Rock Loft, Twisty Trail, Rabbit Ridge. These made sense but after a few miles full names were shortened to abbreviations (RL, TT, RR). None of these were on any maps.

I found a nice warming hut where a big sheet of plywood once had the trail map… and now doesn’t. Later I found another place that said “bathroom” and there was nothing there at all. I wonder if the snowmobile people install the world’s least hospitable porta-potti every winter? If so, good for them.

Also, sometimes the same physical trail was part of two virtual trails. I’d wind up looking at a sign that said RR-4/RL-19 and interpreting that as Rabbit Ridge / Rocky Loft. One had numbers increasing the other had numbers decreasing.

This shit is why I usually just follow a compass.

I didn’t sweat it too much. I mostly just wandered, turning from trail to trail and gave myself up to the moment.

Occasionally, a trail would cross a road and I’d eagerly check my plat book (which shows ALL roads). This was a disappointment as the road signs would say something like “Old Bill’s Shoe Road” while the plat book would say “County Road 39”.

Then all hell broke loose with roads. I wandered into a National Forest. I think (but haven’t verified) I was allowed on forest roads. (I’m sure there’s a 250-page multi-modal off-road recreation public planning document that took 20 years to write, involved every off road club in creation, is so boring it makes your teeth hurt, and was obsolete the day it was written. I’d need either a local to explain it or a team of lawyers; so I just winged it.) Either way I bumped along roads with stupid names only a GIS database would love; 293-987, 293-887, 293.1, 283-864, and so forth. Fuck if I know where I was.

The best I can say is that I’m a bit of a woodsman and could easily self-navigate home should the need arise. (Also, is there grant money or some sort of incentive to put up as many trail signs as possible? Is that why UTV and snowmobile routes can’t be marked in a coherent overall scheme?)

After a while I was… well I’ve no idea where I was. I had plenty of gas and lots of food and water so it was no big deal.

So I suppose I’d arrived exactly where I intended to go.

Posted in Fall_2019, Travelogues, Walkabout | 4 Comments

A Quick Exploration By ATV: Part 1

Posted on October 29, 2019 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Last winter my ATV broke. It’s 20 years old but in OK shape. I depend on it to plow my driveway. During an extremely cold spell the poor little thing crapped out. (In some ways, so did I.)

A forgivable situation. With temperatures hitting -42, pretty much everything, man and machine, is at its limit. The plucky little ATV had done its best.

Hunkered by the fire fretting over the impassible driveway. I came to a realization. I, Curmudgeon himself, could conceivably buy a replacement ATV. What a concept! I don’t generally think like that. The dead but honorable ATV came to me by roundabout means and on the cheap. It’s a treasured asset in a price category I’d never otherwise enjoy. Buying new just never enters my head.

I can’t help it. I’m frugal at a molecular level and ATVs are expensive buggers.

Considering the alien idea that I could go full American and finance anything I wanted; I daydreamed of awesome gasoline burning wheeled entertainment devices. Then, as cabin fever took hold, I discovered The Emporium Outdoors. Suddenly I needed an Argo in the worst way. (The more ridiculous the machine the more I’m attracted to it. Argos straddle the line between ATV and personal tank; crack to a weirdo like me.). I was entranced by a nice Canadian guy and his excellent dog and especially his epic Argo…

Damn! I meant just to have a screenshot to encourage you to visit The Emporium Outdoors. Unfortunately, my screenshot makes it look like I host the video (which is not true at all). Whoops. (I hope this isn’t a faux pas!). Click on the link to go there. It’s wonderful low key fun watching The Emporium Outdoors.

I came close but didn’t make the leap. Fear won over impractical hopes. I’m just plain terrified of payments. Also, my goal was a practical solution to driveway snow, not a new toy. Fun was low on my list of priorities. Isn’t that sad?

(Sigh. Being an adult sucks.)

As the winter wore on (and the guy hired to plow our driveway blew out transmissions and axles) I rejected (in succession) the purchase of ATVs, UTVs, Argos, and eventually even a plow for my truck. (The last thing The Death Wobble Express needs is a quarter ton of stress weighing down the front axle.)

Time passed…

Winter ended and I fixed the little ATV. I had to admit I’d been asking too much of it. If snow gets too deep it lacks the grunt to push the ensuing mountains of snow. Regardless of snow conditions, it’s not a warm machine for bitter weather. It’s always a race to see if I’ll get hypothermia before it freezes up.

I bit the bullet. I bought a heated cab that happens to have a tractor under it. It has a handy feature; it actually starts. Sadly, it came with payments; Lord help me! I couldn’t face another winter without better equipment; fear of frostbite overcame fear of bankruptcy. Life is a conundrum.

As part of this purchase I took my imaginary new ATV / Argo for a walk. I led it out behind the barn, told it about how much fun we’d have together, and put a bullet in it. I can only handle payments on one thing at a time and the tractor burned my options for the immediate future. Being an adult REALLY SUCKS!

Fast forward to this fall. The weather has been aggressively miserable. Plans of sailing, camping, and small game hunting all faded; crushed by dreary rain and cold snow. It just didn’t work out.

This week the sun came out for a few glorious days. It was still cold but at least the scenery wasn’t sodden. It awoke the longing within for a mechanical toy. (Apparently, I hadn’t killed my dreams?)

Tractor payments or not, I needed a fix. I found myself standing in an ATV sales lot; wandering amid terrifyingly cool debit monsters with wheels. Later I started tire kicking a couple of used snowmobiles. What was I doing?!? The LAST damn thing I need is a 15-year-old snowmobile rotting in the backyard! That night I wound up staying up late watching videos of Argos and snowmobiles. There’s no reasoning with the heart. I had it bad!

The next day I was struck with a flash of obvious. Pay attention because this matters:

The best time to go on an adventure is now.

The best equipment to use for your adventure is the equipment you have.

My old ATV had been repaired. It’s well past its prime but it starts. It was a firebreather of its era. Lately, it does nothing but tow my woodsplitter… but I own it. Why not?

Warning ramble:

This summer I’ve watched people tell me wistful stories of the sailboat they’ll get when they retire (or win the lottery). It’s sad really. I’ve left them behind on the dock while I sailed away in my puny handmade plywood sailboat. They talk, I sail.

I’ve seen it even worse with motorcycles; I’ve done many cross country trips and invariably I’ll stop at one town or another where someone tells me about the awesome Harley they’ll have someday. (It’s always a Harley, even among people that can’t recognize that my Honda cruiser is not a Harley.) I nod like I care and in some ways I do. I honestly hope they escape the cage they’ve built for themselves. I doubt they will; people like their cages. I roar away on my mid-priced (and now aged) Honda while they’ll never leave their backyard except in spirit. They talk, I ride.

Sun’s up, it’ll snow again soon. Ride now or be a schmuck waiting for the perfect time that never comes. That’s the question life asks. So, what’s it gonna’ be?

Half an hour later the ATV was perched on my old utility trailer (which no longer has a little sailboat on it). I was happily en route to a trailhead.

I’ve never done recreational ATV trail riding. Time to rectify that mistake.

Posted in Fall_2019, Travelogues, Walkabout | 9 Comments

The Press Lives In Cloud Cuckoo Land

Posted on October 28, 2019 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Friday:

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi: “I’m a terrorist fucknut. I’m one of the bad guys leading ISIS. I’m as creepy as shit. I do things that require my henchmen shovel up body parts and hose down the pavement afterwards. I plan it out for the camera. I’m walking snuff film; a real life horror movie monster. My activities would give Vlad the Impaler moral qualms.”

Saturday:

President Trump: “I’m going to have an important announcement tomorrow.”

The Press: “Impeach the motherfucker!”

Democrats: “Yo! That’s our line. Quit stealing our thunder!”

The Press: “Democrats want to impeach the motherfucker. As they should. Because Trump’s a big mean doody head.”

Democrats: “Thanks, much better.”

Curmudgeon: “What’s this on the internet? New announcement? Meh, it’s just Trump. Probably the cheeky bastard found another way to troll; maybe he’ll pet a kitten and make the Dem’s go on an anti-kitten rampage.”

Sunday:

President Trump: “Good news everyone. Our armed forces just killed the shit out of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.”

Everyone: “Who? Quick, check Wikipedia.”

Everyone: “Oh, that guy. He was super evil. Glad he’s dead.”

President Trump: “Dude was super evil. I’m glad he’s dead.”

Curmudgeon: (Rummaging through his brain and eventually remembering who the heck this guy is.) “Whoa, that was the guy that’s super evil. I’m glad he’s dead.”

Democrats: “How can we possibly be upset about this? The dude set people on fire and that was the least creepy of his ideas. We gotta’ agree with Trump, this is a good thing.”

Democrats: “Ha ha ha… had you fooled didn’t we? Watch this…” (Shrieking) “He didn’t inform Nancy Pelosi first! Waaaahh.”

President Trump: “The terrorist died like the little bitch he was. We’re awesome and none of the good guys got hurt. He’s extra dead. Yay team!”

The Press: “We’re triggered.”

President Trump: “Also Russia was real polite. I called Putin and said ‘we’re coming through on our way to kill an asshole, please give us room to maneuver’. Putin was like ‘you’re going to kill Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi? That guy’s super evil. I’ll be glad when he’s dead. Have a nice day’. Real class act.”

The Press: “Russian collusion! The walls are closing in, we’ve got him this time!”

Most Sane People: “Whoa there, if you’re going to fly helicopters through a war zone sometimes it’s smart to call ahead. That’s just common sense.”

Washington Post: “Does Trump trust Putin more than Pelosi?”

Most Sane People: “Uh yeah. Hasn’t she been trying to impeach him since before he was sworn in?”

Nancy Pelosi: “Actually after the first two years I realized it wasn’t working. Lately I’ve been trying to calm them down…”

Curmudgeon: “Really, and how’d that work out for you?”

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: “I’m very wise. I know lots of stuff. It’s a good idea to impeach Trump because he’s not on my team. Everyone I don’t like should be impeached and the voters will like that. This is a good idea!”

Nancy Pelosi: “Down! Sit! Don’t make me put you back in the gimp box!”

Katie Hill: “Can I do that? I’ve been doing a naked threesome with my employee while taking bong hits. I’m down with the good stuff!”

Nancy Pelosi: “Now Katie, we talked about this. You should be discrete…”

Katie Hill: “It’s on video. I hate Trump too. We should hang out.”

Ilhan Omar: “I’m in. I married my brother and then had an affair with some married dude. He’s getting divorced now. I’m so smart. Everyone who doesn’t agree with me should be impeached.”

Curmudgeon: “I almost feel sorry for you; herding cats like that…”

Nancy Pelosi: “Kids these days. What are you going to do? Hey, wait, I’m agreeing with you? That’s impossible! You’re deplorable and I hate you.”

Curmudgeon: “Of that I have no doubt. I forget, do you represent the district without electricity or the one with human shit on the sidewalk?”

Nancy Pelosi: “You make me sad. I’m going to stop talking to you.”

Curmudgeon: “Knock yourself out. This discussion is just a fictional entry in my blog anyway.”

The Press: “Trump shouldn’t talk to Putin. He should talk to us!”

Curmudgeon: “The President should inform the press before a secret military attack on terrorists?”

The Press: “We meant Trump should talk to the Democrats first.”

Most Sane People: “Do the Democrats have anti aircraft missile batteries in the flight zone?”

Democrats: “I don’t think so. We’re opposed to guns.”

Most Sane People: “So there ya’ go. You check with people who can shoot down helicopters. You don’t check with people that don’t.”

Democrats: “Math is hard. Regardless, this is bad!”

Curmudgeon: “Bad? Killing a terrorist? Are you shitting me?”

Washington Post: “Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, austere religious scholar at helm of Islamic State dies at 48.”

Everyone: “Are you fucking kidding me!?!”

Washington Post: “Well technically he was austere and religious…”

Curmudgeon: “And Hitler was a vegetarian. That’s not the point. When a terrorist is killed by our military you say ‘Military Kills Terrorist’. How hard is this?”

Washington Post: “But Trump is president. We have to mislead about every fucking thing until he’s not.”

Curmudgeon: “Do you… have you… are you seeking treatment? Frankly I’m a little worried about you. Try living in reality… it’s very nice. The scenery is OK and the absence of madness is a real plus. Cloud cuckoo land is not a good place to live.”

Rightwing Social Media: “Ha ha ha… lets all laugh at the Washington Post.”

Washington Post: “Now we’re sad. Can we define laughing at us as hate speech?”

Babylon Bee: “How are we going to top that? A terrorist that sets people on fire is ‘austere and religious’? When the Washington Post leads with a punchline, how can we insert a joke! Satire is hard!”

Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments

Pierre Delecto

Posted on October 23, 2019 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Mitt Romney: “I want to use social media anonymously. What’s a good pseudonym?”

Anthony Weiner: “Carlos Danger just sent you an image.”

Mitt Romney: “Ugh!”

Anthony Weiner: “Pseudonyms are great!”

Mitt Romney: “I chose ‘Pierre Delecto’. Nobody will figure it out.”

New York Times: “What the fuck?”

Adaptive Curmudgeon: “Y’all suck at thinking up pseudonyms.”

Donald Trump: “Pseudonyms are for pussies!”

Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Bruce And Kristy Are Awesome: Part 1

Posted on October 22, 2019 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

About a month ago I got a generous tip from a couple of readers. They liked my salute to the bravery of Dave Chappelle, who dares have a public sense of humor in the age of woke-scolds:

“Nobody feared a joke more than the Soviets. Our version, the woke, have their nuts in a bundle over Chappelle. You know you’re over the target when you’re taking flak. They’re whining and bitching; because what else can they do? If they could do jokes better, they wouldn’t be such losers.”

I get tips from time to time but it’s not an every day thing. Nor is it “quit your day job” money. Regardless, it’s always a huge pick me up to get a tip and Bruce and Kristy made my day.

They suggested I buy some bourbon (and I surely will) but when you’ve got a nice tip… it’s special. You want to savor the moment. You want to daydream about all the cool shit you’re gonna’ buy. You want to have fun imagining all the awesome that will ensue.

I promised I’d notify them when I spent the money and I have. I decided to post it too.

I got myself a pure unadulterated luxury. I bought a shiny new set of Forstner Bits! Here’s a photo:

My God, they’re glorious!

In case you’re wondering, I have a project where I was trying to drill big fat countersink holes and a Forstner Bit is the right tool for the job. I’ve never owned a Forstner bit; which makes it an even more magical thing. This is what I was trying to use:

I simply don’t have a spade bit that could do the job. That’s why I was resorting to the venerable bit and brace. (It’s not as crazy as it sounds, a bit and brace can do a lot.) Alas, I needed pretty big holes and didn’t have a large enough auger bit for the brace (who does?). The bit in this photo is some sort of antique unholy hybrid of spade bit and adjustable hole saw. It sucks and wasn’t going to get the job done. (Note: the photo makes it look bent but that’s just lens distortion.)

So, it was a little piece of Christmas for the Curmudgeon when the bits arrived. Yay!

This is only half the tip. I’m still savoring the last bit. I’m just so damn cheap I didn’t want to spend it all at once. I’ll blow the rest on something cool (possibly bourbon). When I do I’ll probably post that too (which is why this post is “Part 1”).

At any rate, a hearty thanks to Bruce and Kristy… you guys rock!

A.C.

P.S. The link goes to Amazon. If you buy shit from Amazon I get a small kickback and it costs you nothing. (Amazon seems to be uptight that I include that disclaimer at every juncture, but I assume y’all figured it out long ago.) Also, pretty much everything I link to is something I’ve tested but I haven’t yet used the Yonico brand bits. To be honest, they’re so pretty and shiny I hate to get ’em dirty! Right now they’re sitting in their box, simply glowing with promise.

Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments

Computer Guru Information Quest (Followup Question)

Posted on October 21, 2019 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

This thing is going down the rabbit hole just as I thought it might. Analysis paralysis will get to me. I’m mentally regrouping.

First thought: “functionally equivalent” is fine. I don’t need exactly identical. Maybe “both stay in sync” was also too much to ask.

Second thought: One of two devices being “air gapped” is a way to hinder a single event (ransomware!) from propagating system to system. At least I think so. I like that idea.

Third thought: I’m drawn like moth to flame to stupid, unique, and weird ideas. There exists the siren song of the new Raspberry Pi 4. I’ve played around with a Raspberry Pi before but it didn’t become useful production computer. They’re cute but toyish and tinkery. Even so, there’s something about a dirt cheap disposa-computer appeals to me. What about a Raspberry Pi 4 setup with Linux and basic abilities? I suppose if it could check all my e-mails, surf, do light blogging, maybe run off batteries and has it’s own little screen it would be a fine “backup”? It would have to access my data via my RAID and cloud sources? Leave it off the net and it’s air gapped for when the Russians and the squirrels attack my laptop. A Pi “spare tire” might be a nice parachute if the main laptop bites the big one? It’s cheap, but is it stupid? I do use an Android Kindle all the time but it’s no good for regular stuff like e-mail or whatnot… I’m sure a Pi has more grunt & flexibility than the weirdly convoluted Amazon device? (My Kindle is also dying… it too will need a replacement in due time.) Sane people… please talk me out of the Pi.

Fourth thought: No need to move fast. This is a Christmas goal. (Really, it’s a New Year’s goal.)

Fifth thought: A tablet is fine for reading but if it’s going to be useful for more than consuming media I’m going to need my trusty USB keyboard. Also I’m (ideally) tied to two pieces of finicky software on at least one of two devices; Scrivener (which is Win, iOS, Mac, and I’ve run it under Wine) and Dragon NaturallySpeaking (which I mean to use more but never do… regardless, I have a Win license for it). Mrs. Curmudgeon extols the virtue of iDevices and she may have a point. How’s this match with the things I mentioned?

Lord help me, I used to like playing with computers and now I don’t. I just want them to shut up and serve me like a toaster. I’m definitely swimming upstream. Is this what it’s like to get old?

Get those damn kids off my lawn!

A.C.

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Simple Garage Report

Posted on October 21, 2019 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Today I did nothing special but it killed a lot more time than I planned. You’ve been there too, no? At issue: the shop is hopelessly wrecked. Winter is coming. Time to get my head out of my ass and prepare for indoor projects. This is one small corner of my pigpen/shop. Too cluttered to get anything done.

I decided to throw up some shelves to impose order on chaos. I’m lazy and cheap. I found these brackets in a bucket in a barn years ago. I’ve been keeping them forever. Might as well use them (there’s a little rust but who cares).

They looked right for 6″ nominal wood so I picked up a couple 2″x 6″s. Total cost; like $11 or something.

Total fuckin’ disaster! The brackets were 1/2″ too wide for a nominal 2″ x 6″.

Fer fuck’s sake!

As an aside, I like to use plain wood for shop “fixtures”. I rarely, if ever, paint or varnish shit. I just leave it there because varnish or paint would be “final”. Half the time I decide to re-purpose whatever I built at first into whatever I happen to need now. I’ll toss up a bench or a bracket or a wall out of a plain dimension lumber, and years later tear it down to build something else out of the materials. Often, the Mark II version of my materials use will serve for years and yet again I’ll tear it down and use what’s left for another thing. Each time the chunk of wood gets more haggard and worn (and smaller)… but if it’ll serve the purpose I’ll use it down to the last molecule. I don’t know why I’m like this, it’s not like wood is going extinct.

Finally, it winds up in the wood stove; which is why it wasn’t varnished or painted decades prior. There’s clearly a mental imbalance in refusing to treat wood in 2019 because I may burn it in 2030. But… I cannot deny my true nature.

I have a shelf I made for an air compressor. I made it in a different state, in a different time zone, for an air compressor that died so long ago I barely remember it. The shelf followed me through several locations before it became a chicken coop door. Then it was a feed bag storage area. Then it was a nesting box. Then, it became heat. That’s five uses. Hippies bitching about recycling got nothin’ on a cheap redneck!

Why I do this is a mystery to even me. Wood isn’t that expensive.

But it’s relevant to today’s project. I needed brackets for a 6″ (nominal) shelf and buying a couple new metal Chinesium brackets just never entered my mind. The cost would be a couple bucks a bracket and it would save some time. Honest to God it never occurred to me.

Instead I found a chunk of rough cut wood; cast off from some other thing I’m building (more on that later).

I love my thickness planer. I ran the rough cut dirty old POS through it several times (probably dulling blades that cost more than the wood’s worth). It came out, if not pretty, at least not hideous.

Then I ripped both sides on a table saw. End result? I’d “resawn” a block of wood into a couple linear feet of something resembling what you’d buy at Home Depot or whatever. I’d also burned an hour to make something worth a few bucks. Dumbass! There’s something with my brain that just feels like I’m always in an economic depression; maybe it’s something you pick up in your youth and it stays with you?

Geometry. It ain’t rocket science. Metal brackets are for pussies.

Then, on the wall it went. As is my weirdness, I hung it up there with the minimum of Torx screws. Someday I’l be in urgent need of a 2″ x 6″ and my shelf will be sacrificed to the Gods of “Too Lazy To Drive To The Lumber Yard”. So I’ll want the minimum number of holes in my “new” raw material.

Which reminds me, am I the only one who loves Torx screws? You can back them out of damn near anything? How did I survive the horrible dark age of nails?

It’s amazing how much order you can get from 16′ linear feet of crude shelving.

None of this is rocket science or even interesting. I just know it makes me  happy when I see some other dude’s workshop all clean and orderly (I find it inspiring). I made it so there’s a tiny bit less chaos on the planet and I want to pass the joy on to you. Hope ya’ like it.

A.C.

P.S. In case you’re wondering, every square inch of the rest of the shop still looks like a tornado sucked up a county dump and took a shit through a blender. Heck, for the work surface “after” photo, I only managed to clear  6′ of the 8′ field of view. (Some of those tiny bits of wood are scrap walnut… I may need ’em someday.) But who cares, every cleaned cubic foot of workspace is a good thing. Good luck to everyone else in their battles with creeping clutter.

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Computer Guru Information Quest

Posted on October 20, 2019 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

This post is an open invitation for anyone who wants to offer advice, ideas, suggestions, etc… Y’all are smart cookies. Please help brainstorm my idea. I’m open to creative solutions… fill my comments with wisdom!

My laptop runs fine. It’ll die eventually. I set for myself the goal of doing more “digital hygene” / best practices on or around Christmas. Here’s my goal:

I want to replace my laptop before it matters.

Also, I want to do something smart. I know… crazy thinking! But here goes:

I want a total duplicate machine… not a backup of files but a whole damn machine ready to go.

Not backups. Not files. Not my RAID plugged into its UPS. Not the cloud. Not a handful of passwords. I want a physical thing that’s always on deck.

I want to be able to toss a smoking wrecked computer out the window and use an understudy device already prepared and readied for it’s moment in the sun. I want that to happen in less time than it takes to brew a pot of coffee. I’d feel very James Bond if it came together like that.

Can it be done?

I have options. My needs are small and I have a good laptop now, a solid handle on my files, and nothing’s cratered yet. I can buy stuff new and I have a pile of junk machines hanging around. I can resurrect any of them (if I was willing to spend the time).

The problem is I only use one machine daily. I have my data backed up six ways from Sunday but only one computer that’s my “go to” device. I have data here and data there and passwords and cloud this and backed up that. I can (probably) recover from a pickaxe suddenly hitting my laptop. (I think.) But recovery would be a PITA.

“Rebuilding” takes time. I’d need to acquire a new machine (possibly using some cobbled together interim machine to surf Amazon), load up software, change the stupid idiot settings the newly installed software will include (we’ve replaced “menu” with “ribbon” that has all the same features but in new places), load up information, re-enter my passwords into whatever password manager is running, upgrade iTunes (iTunes always needs to upgrade… I don’t even use the damn thing but it’s like the cockroach of software)… and so forth.

I estimate a total electric shitstorm would kill 20 man hours. There has got to be a better way.

I can overcome a truck’s flat tire in 15 minutes. How? By having a spare that’s just as good as the regular tire. Why not switch to spare computer just like a spare tire?

Laptops aren’t free but they’re cheaper than the old days. Plus there’s stuff that’s practically free like RaspberriPi or jamming Linux onto something. What’s in very short supply is my time. I’m stretched to the limit.

Given that I’m thinking of buying a new computational critter (got no idea what) in a few months, now’s the time to be clever. How do I set myself up with dual redundant machines that stay more or less up to date? (The machines don’t have to match perfectly… I just don’t want the 20 hour hassle of “start from blank” if one dies.)

Surprisingly, I find not much about this on the internet. Mostly it’s “store your shit on the cloud” and “restore from backup”. Neither is the same as “computer A shit the bed so I turned on computer B which was already waiting”. (Hell, depending on the solution, maybe computer B can already be ON. A small thing might burn almost no AC.)

I might even keep computer A for travel and computer B for stay at home?

All suggestions and ideas are welcome.

A.C.

P.S. I was “inspired” in this endeavor by Claire Wolfe who had “an unfortunate event”. She reflected on the difference between a hard drive full of files and a functioning whole cloth computer. She has a good point:

“A functional backup computer. Given my reliance on the computer to earn a living and communicate with the world, I should not only have had backups, but should have had a fully functional, frequently tested second computer with those backups on it, up-to-date and working.”

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History

Posted on October 19, 2019 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Hat tip to Ace of Spades.

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