It’s been snowing pretty hard but it’s not that big of a deal. Me and the tractor have been putting up a good fight. Also, it’s fuckin’ winter. What do you expect?
Today, I plowed the driveway and it was fairly navigable. Right on my tail came a FedEx dude in an overflow rented U-Haul.
The FedEx dude zoomed in exactly like a guy who’s never seen snow. Rather than menace him with my tractor and the snow bucket I parked well out of the way and sat there to let him do his thing.
Over the next few minutes, every decision he made baffled me. It was so bad it was almost art.
“That’s odd, why is he putting his tires there?”
Slide, spin.
“Oh, because he’s a fool.” I observed from my idling tractor. “Still, all he needs to do is gently roll it forward and…”
He cranked the wheels like he wanted to plow a furrow and floored it in a manner that made it clear he wasn’t responsible for vehicle maintenance budgets. Predictably, this dug a divot for his spinning rear tire. He kept it floored until he’d polished the divot’s surface like he was going to play hockey there.
“Has he never seen ice?” I wondered.
Then he rocked forward and back; which makes sense. Except he was doing it all wrong. He’d rock forward, which is good. But then he’d let the tire slide backward into the exact center of his divot… as if that was his goal. Then he’d rock backward, making progress just like he’d made going forward but specifically let it roll back to center. It’s like someone had heard of “rock the car back and forth” but had never seen it in real life.
His timing was way too slow. It was literally “retarded timing”. I amused myself thinking about retarded drivers having retarded timing.
But then I noticed his eyes. They were getting the wild panicked look of a man who’s about to do something impressively stupid. I couldn’t think of anything stupider than his current actions but lets face it, stupid panicked people are incredibly creative with their mayhem.
Time to diffuse the situation.
I drove up slow and steady; trying to smile and look unthreatening; which probably just terrifies people more. So now there’s a scary bearded redneck Gen X in his tractor trying to calm a spastic Millennial before the Millennial performs some unholy act that defies physics and sets a U-Haul on fire.
He obviously didn’t appreciate me “helping”, or rather he didn’t like needing help. Then again he wasn’t going anywhere and wasn’t showing any signs he would ever learn enough to figure it out. He’d done nothing right, tried nothing clever, and was clearly willing to drill to the center of the earth. I had to intervene.
“Woah there! Just relax! I’ll plow a nice clear path in front and behind. Then I’ll give you a nudge. It’ll be fine.” In retrospect I sounded like Foghorn Leghorn.
He looked like he’d freebased 30 Redbulls. I wasn’t sure if he’d just stomp on the gas and run into my slow tractor. I knew stomping on the gas wouldn’t do much but make him more stuck but I kept a careful eye on him just the same. Like I said, the guy just looked, acted, smelled, and radiated “I’m going to turn the minor annoyance of a spinning truck wheel into a world class cock up.”
I cleared out a generous area fore and aft… I tried to explain that all he needed to do was go straight and get into clear traction. In hindsight I think he might not have known what “fore and aft” meant? I also gave him a warning. “Be careful. You don’t want to damage your truck.”
That was pointless. He’d gladly set the truck on fire. It was a U-Haul. Fire would probably improve it. But also he just didn’t seem to have the “solve problems without making it worse” circuit in his brain.
I nudged with my tractor and with only the tiniest force the truck rolled out. I swear a Chihuahua could have pushed that truck out of its rut. Unfortunately, the driver felt this and gunned it while turning the wheel as hard as he could… two choices which were just about the dumbest things he could do. The truck’s rear broke loose because of course it did! His truck made a wild and quite impressive spin. It had to be 40 degrees! If he was in a parking lot of a bar at 3 am someone would have clapped.
Of course, he was now ten times more stuck. And still spinning.
What the fuck was this idiot doing with the endless spinning? If the truck is spinning at quarter throttle, only a blithering moron stomps on it full power as if it’s going to sprout wings. More and harder might be the name of a porn movie but it ain’t the solution to ice!
I tried a little more coaching. “Relax. You’re gonna’ get out. First get the rear wheels on sound traction. Then, worry about steering with the front wheels.”
The driver was kind and polite and obviously hard working. He was simply an awful driver. They aren’t mutually exclusive. Great employee in bad fit for a particular job. Seeing his driving I wouldn’t trust him with a golf cart. That doesn’t mean he was morally at fault or not trying his best. Maybe he needs a desk job? (A desk that’s not accompanied by one of those chairs with wheels… which he would probably roll out the window.)
Possibly he’d be a world class photocopy repairman? Short order cook? For all I know he might be an excellent concert pianist. But he should never live beyond the reach of mass transit.
What I’m saying is that some folks, no matter how dedicated and well meaning, are absolute fuckwits around machinery. This guy’s exposure to mechanical devices probably topped off at playing Minecraft.
He could improve. Ideally learning very slowly, with lots of training, and with less complex things. Maybe if a shock collar were used? Judiciously mind you, I’m not saying he was a bad guy that needed to be zapped a lot. Just that he was panicky like a hyped up housecat on crack and that’s not a good mind-state for full sized vehicles. A quick hit with a Taser wouldn’t have been the worst thing for someone totally losing their rationality.
The point is, this kid was maybe a good employee but he needed to practice with an electric can opener for a few years before he moved up to… I dunno’ maybe a lawn mower? Operating a delivery truck alone in a blizzard was so far out of his league it might as well be in Jupiter.
I hate to see that total lack of awareness. I operate motorcycles and chainsaws and wood splitters and tractors and miter saws. When I recognize a difficult situation I slow the fuck down. I start thinking very carefully about my next move. If I panicked like this guy I’d be missing an arm by lunch. A machine will gladly kick your ass and this guy had it coming!
Thank God I have a huge, flat, relatively level lawn and I’m more than happy to let someone tear it to bits spinning around in circles. I don’t know any environment so forgiving of such shenanigans.
Four or five times I cleared the snow around him. Four or five times I told him to roll gently forward or reverse… “just a few feet dude. Just roll a few feet. Only after you’ve got the truck moving turn it very gently. Like really gently.” Four or five times he nodded and did absolutely the opposite. (I know he spoke English.)
Each time I used the tractor to give a tiny nudge and the truck rolled free right away. It wasn’t stuck that bad. I wouldn’t have even needed the tractor if I were driving.
But every stinking time he got under way he turned the steering wheel like he had to pull a U-Turn in the next eight feet and simultaneously he stomped on the gas like Ricky Bobby doing NASCAR. This never worked because physics ain’t like that.
Every near release followed by failure just freaked him out more.
I prefer extracting a stuck vehicle with the minimum force and stress. Unfortunately, this dipshit wasn’t getting the point. Here’s where I should step back and assess the whole situation.
Let’s be charitable about it. Maybe that kid couldn’t get the point? All humans are equal in the eyes of God but that’s not an intellectual assessment. Some humans are dumber than a box of hammers and we know it. That’s just the way unfortunate genetics played out. I suck at languages and blues guitar. That doesn’t make me evil. This kid shouldn’t be responsible for a truck in the hinterland. Nothing wrong with that. He didn’t really want to strip mine my lawn with a set of tires… it’s just that he could do no other. I bear no ill will. Whatever that kid was put on earth to do, managing a truck isn’t it.
Since he was going to keep fucking up until his truck needed a helicopter extraction, it was up to me. I put the tractor snow bucket gently on the truck’s rear bumper and pushed. As always, his truck rolled free. In a nanosecond he stomped on the gas like spinning the rear wheels was sexually pleasing. At the same time he yanked his steering like he was paid by the broken tie rod end.
This time I kept in contact. Still pushing; very gently. Moving an inch at a time with judicious tractor power while the driver was desperately trying to get his truck stuck as hard and fast as possible.
I use machinery like I know what I’m doing. With a slow gentle crawl I pushed him like 20′ and I adjusted the angle as I went. While he spun and steered and faffed about I gradually shifted his truck until it was pointed where he wanted to go (thus negating his desire to steer like a monkey). That’s all it took.
He rolled away. Here’s the funny part. He never let off the gas!
He kept fishtailing all the way down my driveway like a Dukes of Hazzard scene but with a lot less driving skill. He never ever stopped spinning. Even though it clearly wasn’t necessary. I think he got confused and thought he was in deep mud, or on a sand dune, not a freshly plowed, flat, straight, dirt driveway.
In my tractor, I followed him to the road. (At a generous and cautious distance.)
My driveway is perpendicular to the road. Given he wasn’t going to let off the gas ever and that his only demonstrated steering inputs were straight (rarely) and dive off a cliff (constantly) I gave it 50/50 odds he’d blast full speed to the road, pull the wheel like it was a ripcord, and impale himself on my mailbox.
To my surprise me made a simple right hand turn without killing himself or anyone else. I was not surprised that he showed no sign of looking either left or right. He simply plunged onto the road. Because I live in the middle of nowhere, there weren’t any vehicles in the area for him to hit.
I breathed a sigh of relief when he was off my property. I made a little prayer that he gets another job before he kills someone at this one. I don’t know who that guy was or where he was from. He spoke clear English, was well dressed, and said he’d seen two (!) winters. (I tried to start a rapport with “First winter eh?”) I’m going to assume he had a legit license.
I don’t think I’ll see him again. My prayer notwithstanding, I’m not sure he’ll live out today’s blizzard.
Anyway, that’s my day. How was yours?
The “rigs” require 22 (!) magnets each. I made 3d designs with “pockets” for little magnets and I glue them in the pockets. In case you’re wondering, it’s more or less impossible to remove the magnets once they’re glued in. (Don’t let kids and pets chew on it though. These things are for adults.)
