Hang Up And Drive

Posted on June 22, 2011 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

In a world of herd animals, drivers are rare.  Mostly you meet clueless, condition white, yoyos who can scarcely keep their lumbering minivans between the lines.  Sometimes, particularly after seeing comically bad driving, I start wondering if I’ll be the last adult who can actually drive.  It would be a sad future if we all wound up merely sitting behind the wheel of potato like, hermetically sealed, hybrid equipped, Pelosi-mobiles that have the excitement of a golf cart and spirituality of stale bread.

But it’s not over yet.  I’m not the only one.  Whew!  From Primordial Slack comes the following shining light:

“Why would anyone want to text while driving? Because they have crappy cars or they are incurious about the one they are driving. They are bored and probably scared to step into in a turn, but have no fear of recklessly endangering others with their bored inattention.

I’m not bored when I drive. I love it. I love to move, and make good time, or make a good downshift or a tidy chicane. I don’t really know all the technical details like a good gear-head would. But I do know how to have all the fun of the swooping, diving curves as the car’s Koni shocks squat into the pavement and stick four fat tires to the surface.”

That’s it!  Exactly how I feel.  I like to drive.

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Search Term Roundup II

Posted on June 19, 2011 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Here is a smattering of search terms that led poor helpless victims readers to my site.

i will smite you: No.  I will smite you.  Don’t bet against a Curmudgeon in a fight!

freedom to say no to a job:  Americans are always free to say no to a job.  What you’re looking for is the self sufficiency to do so without winding up living in a cardboard box (or Detroit).  Get off the couch Bubba and start laying the groundwork.  It isn’t easy but freedom isn’t for wimps.

states with worst debt / fiscally worst states:  A simple question which doesn’t lend itself to a simple answer. The scope of a state’s debt can be defined in various ways.  Any such list will have New York and California in a pitched death match to see who wins the title of maximum deadbeat and the rest of the usual suspects will be in a tight race behind them.  You already knew that didn’t you?

evil plan cat:  If you have a cat, it is hatching an evil plan right now.  The only reason you’re not dead is that cats are too lazy and easily distracted to follow their plans.

motocycle liquid propane: If I ever invent a bitchin’ mixed drink I’m going to call it “motorcycle liquid propane” and it will be guaranteed to cause brain damage.  (Note: I’ve never seen a motorcycle running on LP and diesel ones are tragically rare.)

baron wasteleand:  Baron Wasteleand’s official title is “Evil Overlord of the Wasteleand Province of East Gunderschmitt Prefect” which is near either Cornwall or the Sandwich Islands.  Barren wastelands, on the other hand, are my favorite places to camp.

“a man should be able to” “butcher a hog”: Yes, he should.

what has been invented in 2011: In America?  Mostly excuses for debt.  It hasn’t been a good year.  Next year doesn’t look good either.

orwell telescreen real: No they aren’t.  Turn off FOX and quit reading paranoid blogs like mine.  Chill out my friend.

where is obama getting his political advice from?:  His ass.  There is no genius pulling the strings.  He’s just making shit up.  (Which is not unique among presidents.)

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Causation and Correlation

Posted on June 18, 2011 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Read this:

“…we found that both kinds of debt had positive effects for young people.  It didn’t matter the type of debt, it increased their self-esteem and sense of mastery.”

Basically a study found that young people who have lots of debt (both student loans and credit cards) have high self esteem and “sense of mastery” (whatever the hell that is).  From that they concluded that young people must derive them from the debt.

I disagree. Say it with me folks: correlation is not causality.

If I win the lottery and then slip on a banana peel it is not true that lotteries cause bananas or vice versa.

My curmudgeonly theory (which is just as likely as anything) is that if you’ve got a ton of self esteem (and the aforementioned “mastery”) you’ve got a personality that’s willing to amass more debt.  Maybe you’re a risk taker.  Maybe you’re willing to “invest in yourself” (based on the old fashioned idea that student loans facilitate the education that’ll land you higher paying jobs).  Or maybe you’re arrogant, reckless, or lacking in impulse control.

This is a correlation…not causality.  And because I know the difference I won’t conclude that journalism degrees cause people to misinterpret science but only that the two tend to go together.

One more thing:

“…the results suggest that debt can be an important resource for young adults that allow them to make investments that improve their self-concept.”

Two things:

1. Debt is not a resource.  Ever.  To anyone.  Access to credit might give you options but debt alone (as opposed to what you might have bought with it) is inherently negative.  It never improved the financial picture for any person, corporation, organization, or nation.  It simply isn’t positive.  How hard can that concept be?

2. If you need a better “self concept” (whatever the hell that is)…earn it.  Self esteem, like love, honor and pride, cannot be purchased.

I’ll get off my soapbox now.

A.C.

Hat tip to Living Freedom.

Posted in For Your Education | 9 Comments

The Debt Ceiling Drama Isn’t Real II

Posted on June 15, 2011 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

I just stumbled across this at Maggies Farm.  I wanted to append it to Friday’s post but I’m too damn lazy to tinker around with WordPress and do it right.  Instead I’ll just put it here and encourage you to click the link:

“The fact that we are here today to debate raising America’s debt limit is a sign of leadership failure. It is a sign that the US Government can not pay its own bills. It is a sign that we now depend on ongoing financial assistance from foreign countries to finance our Government’s reckless fiscal policies. Increasing America’s debt weakens us domestically and internationally. Leadership means that ‘the buck stops here.’ Instead, Washington is shifting the burden of bad choices today onto the backs of our children and grandchildren. America has a debt problem and a failure of leadership.  Americans deserve better.”

Senator Barack H. Obama, March 2006

Well I’ll be damned!  For once I agree with the President.  I guess he’ll suddenly get serious about governing and quit banking on hope and magic unicorns.  I can’t wait!

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Search Term Roundup

Posted on June 14, 2011 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

One purpose of the internet is to connect insane Google search terms to irrelevant bloggers.  Here are some search terms that inexplicably pointed my way:

annoying bitch text: Yes I’m annoying and I bitch a lot.  You don’t have to rub it in.

how to leave the internet and go off grid: That device you’re typing on?  Set it on fire.  Works every time.

adaptive exaggeration function: The degree to which I’m a handsome macho adventurer with witty stories that need to be shared increases logarithmically with the two hour moving average of the number of drinks I have consumed.  That is the exaggeration function which one applies to an Adaptive Curmudgeon.

things men used to be able to do: Men can still do them.  The definition hasn’t changed.  The percentage of the population that progress from “whiny useless tool with an X chromosome” to “a man” has.

my tractor has no radio: Good for you.  Unless you’re bringing in sixty tons of grain your tractor should not have a radio.  My tractor has no radio, no cab, and (though I wouldn’t advise it) no brakes.

why does the canadian government give a shit what kind of lightbulb i use: The real question is why any government is so intrusive as to regulate lightbulbs and how many politicians/bureaucrats need to be tarred and feathered before they develop a more humble attitude.

two party system explained:  One party is evil.  The other party is stupid.  Together they’ll give the voters what the voters want…no matter how stupid and evil the results may be.

term for a “place to drink beer”: Earth.

atlas shrugged suddenly became relevant: It was always relevant.  You just discovered it.  Nor does relevant mean “fun to read”.

when does the book atlas shrugged start to get good: On page 6,348,228 there is an interesting quote.  Also it’s a good source of entertainment.  When you encounter one of Ayn Rand’s minions mention that you’ve read Atlas Shrugged.  They’ll glow with joy.  Then quickly say something like “but with the certainty of global warming we’re just going to have to accept more regulations for the sake of the planet”.  Have a camera ready for the reaction!  A six hour rant will ensue.  Every now and then interject “but it’s for the environment”, “if it saves just one life it’s worth it”, or “we just need better leaders”.

fifty five speed limit: This was a tragic era that sapped American’s will to live and led to such disasters as disco, lite beer, and the AMC Gremlin.  Originally the law was passed during an oil embargo ostensibly to increase fuel efficiency “for the environment”.  Later when gas was cheap again it was advertised with billboards claiming “55 saves lives”. Eventually folks realized that nobody on planet earth is willing to drive 55 on an American superhighway and the law was gradually phased out.  By then everyone agreed that it was the stupidest idea since New Coke.  Everyone blamed the hated law on Carter and said it wouldn’t have happened if we had better leaders.

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Hard Assets

Posted on June 12, 2011 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

One evening after work I was pondering my finances. I’m concerned about them. You’re concerned about your finances too. If you aren’t you’re either deluded, dependent, or in denial. Economic uncertainty entails risk which cannot be wholly mediated.

So what did I do? Weep? Attack the liquor cabinet? Watch FOX? Of course not!

It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness. I'm a mountain of positive spirit!

I fired up my woodsplitter (which is inexplicably running flawlessly) and got to work. I worked of my own volition, alone, at my own pace, and quit when the sun set. There’s a simplicity to certain labors that’s noticeably absent elsewhere.

Did I wrap up my winter’s fuel needs? Not by a long shot. (I’m way behind my goals as usual.) But I made progress and the pile of prepared firewood went from “none” to “some”. Thus the number of weeks for which my home heating is assured went from “none” to “some”.

Firewood belongs to an interesting group of self-reliant “hard assets” which are (in some ways) better than cash. To begin with they’re infinitely more predictable. Despite what Al Gore would have you believe, it’s a certainty that it will be cold in the winter. Thus it is a certainty that my firewood is of value.

This guy eats global warming enthusiasts for breakfast.

Financial instruments (even cash) are ephemeral; digits backed by a system of ideas. Firewood is solid, real, and undeniable. The wood pile is mine and mine alone. It is on my yard and on my property. I don’t need a title and serial number to prove ownership. It won’t be taxed. It won’t be tracked. It isn’t likely to be stolen. It won’t be subject to late charges, administrative fees, or licensing agreements. It won’t depreciate, it gains quality as it dries, and it stores indefinitely. It is not subject to identity theft or lost paperwork. It’s not affected by inflation. If the stock market crashes it won’t vanish. If my credit rating tanks it won’t move an inch. War, peace, oil embargoes, elections, and unemployment won’t affect it. It’s a very hard thing to devalue and it’s impossible to deny it’s existence. Try that with a 401(k), Enron stock, or even your checkbook.

When you think about it like that, a simple woodstove is practically rebellious.  How often do you enjoy the fruits of your labors without a middleman and taxes?

I put in a couple hours of good old fashioned hard labor and slept well that night. Either I was at peace from progress toward a warm winter or my muscles were tired. Perhaps society could use that peace too.

Is America jittery because all it’s “wealth” is just numbers in databases? Numbers that are unimaginably huge and subject to political tinkering aren’t inherent in the human mind. We had to be taught that a bank statement is the same as stuff. It’s my Curmudgeonly opinion that society could use a few steps back from the virtualization of everything we own.  A computer hiccup can delete either my checkbook or this blog in a nanosecond but a complete global economic meltdown wouldn’t alter my woodpile. Perhaps the difference between the two isn’t something we can condescendingly ignore?

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The Debt Ceiling Drama Isn’t Real

Posted on June 10, 2011 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Predictably, the monkeys in D.C. who created a Ponzi government are riding it down the drain. The current molehill from which they’ve created a mountain is the debt ceiling. Shall we raise the debt ceiling with a fig leaf of cuts or shall we play chicken with default because fig leaves are too much “sacrifice”. This is a choice?

I won’t play that game. Defaulting is disastrous and stupid. Raising the limit to briefly prop up unsustainable spending is irresponsible and stupid. I won’t choose between two bad options. The fact that it’s paralyzed Washington means I’m not alone.

Federal debt isn’t merely inflicted by politicians. Citizens collude. Voters want paved bike trails, tofu studies, and sports arenas. Things they don’t value enough to buy with their own money. They desire subsidized retirements and medicine that most adults could (and should) self fund. What they want exceeds what they’ve chosen to pay for. Voters want unicorns, cake, and magic. So long as this remains true another encounter with the debt ceiling was inevitable.  (Note: Since March 1962, the debt ceiling has been raised 74 times.  This is not new.)

End result? The economy seems unstable.

Decades ago I saw this coming. If you understand demographics you did too. It was frustrating watching my nation (and Europe) deliberately choose long term failure. I didn’t want to go along for the ride. I was hoping for an exit. But there was none. Now that economic shit is hitting economic fans I’m slightly relieved. Seeing clouds on the horizon feels worse than being in the storm.

It's been coming for thirty years...lets just get it over.

I don’t know how government’s profligate expansion will change but the status quo is just about over (both in the US and in Europe). My guess is that events will take one of three paths; voters will learn, voters will die, or voters will be stopped.

1. They could learn. The most ideal outcome. In theory every voter (or enough to sway elections) could conclude that “an honest man is one who knows he can’t consume more than he has produced” and act accordingly. Yeah, and I could be a Chinese jet pilot.

Pictured above: A Chinese Jet Pilot.

2. They could die. People may refuse to learn but they cannot refuse to die. The biggest threats to solvency are Ponzi structured entitlements. They’ll change radically as Baby Boomers who saved too little demand too much. Demographics has sealed their fate. Whether it takes years or decades; it’s a done deal. Human mortality tells us that Baby Boomers will all be dead in 50 years.  (Note:  I didn’t pull that number from a hat.  The census defines Baby Boomers as  births from 1946 to 1964.  By 2064, or 53 years from today, every Baby Boomer will be a centenarian or dead.  Aside from Keith Richards, who is unkillable, it’s statistically likely most of them will be gone much sooner.  All things end.)   I think (this is conjecture) that subsequent generations will lack the ability to vote themselves free toys. Whether with a crash or a fade, Ponzi games won’t outlast the Boomers. We may have programs with the same names in 2050 but they will be entirely different animals.

3. They could be stopped. The wildcard. I try to live within the ancient and archaic concept of “if you can’t afford it you can’t have it”. Suppose I didn’t? At some point my creditors would impose the restraint that I’d failed to provide. Economics does the same with government. The form is hard to predict but if internal restraint fails external restraint is a certainty. My best guess is that inflation (hopefully not hyperinflation!) will drag us kicking and screaming down to the lower standard of living which we can afford. It’ll be a hard transition but “if you can’t afford it you can’t have it” cannot be denied.

So there’s the silver lining; the frustration of waiting is pretty much over. Fussing over the debt ceiling today is evidence that the transition is already here. If we were still whistling past the graveyard it would have passed weeks ago with a pile of expensive riders on a Friday afternoon before a three day weekend. The fact that it’s causing heartburn is heartening.

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My Favorite Machine Betrayed Me

Posted on June 8, 2011 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

What a week! Equipment has been messing with my head. Was there a global declaration that mechanical devices should revolt? I didn’t get the memo. Was it on FOX?

It all started when I set out to cut firewood.

I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok.

You know why people spend millions on fossil fuels to heat their homes? Because it’s worth it! Firewood is self reliant, cheap, and eco-green but cutting, splitting, stacking, hauling, and burning firewood is a metric shitton of hard work.  Only maniacs like me will go for it.

Firewood is such brutal work that it’s an exception to my cheapskate ways. I acquired the best, newest, strongest, ultra-reliable, top of the line, chainsaw and hydraulic wood splitter I could afford. My truck is rusty crap but I invested in the saw and splitter as if I’d die of overwork without them…which is exactly what would happen. Both devices were carefully stored all winter. This was the glorious day I got them out after their hibernation.

The author testing out his chainsaw.

I started with my chainsaw. Topped off with new gas and outfitted with a freshly sharpened chain it’s a mechanical work of art. It started on the second pull. Music to my Gaia stomping ears!

It's a little known fact that chainsaws benefit from acupuncture treatments.

I’d bucked two cords of largish logs before my arms turned into rubber. When you’re tired it’s better to split than cut. Inattention when running a saw will get you disemboweled.

I happily gave my wood splitter a once over. Situation good; it should fire on the first or second pull. By sunset I was going to put serious dent in the firewood situation! I was elated. Aside from beer and bacon nothing improves your quality of life better than hydraulics.

If you don't have one of these you'll have to flail away with a metal wedge on a stick. Hint: technology unchanged since the Middle Ages sucks.

I pulled the starter cord and…nothing. Huh? Pulled again. Nothing. WTF? I checked the controls but there wasn’t much to do; it has the simplest user interface on the planet; on/off switch, fuel valve, and choke. Pull. Nothing. Pull. Nothing. Damn!

I was crestfallen. A Chevy or a Dodge may let you down but not my shiny new splitter! It’s only a couple of years old; scarcely broken in. Disloyalty from my new machine? A conked out Honda engine!?! Blasphemy!

This was serious! Splitting firewood with a maul takes arms of iron and a head of muscle. Without a wood splitter I’d give up the fight. I’d crawl on my hands and knees to BP and kiss their ass for a handful of BTUs.

I did everything you’re supposed to do. Checked the gas, checked the oil, checked the air filter. Was the muffler plugged? Was the spark plug fouled? Was the on/off switch shorted? Was the fuel valve stuck? I pulled it a thousand times with and without the choke. Nothing.

In abject misery I gave up. The next morning I hitched it up and towed it to town. I was fuming. It was probably one day out of warranty. It’ll probably need a part made of unobtanium that’ll be shipped from Botswana in October of 2012. The hourly shop labor rate will probably cost more than a five star hooker. Sigh…some days you’re the dog but today was a hydrant day.

In the parking lot several guys helped me muscle it into the shop. Each one…all five…checked the gas. (I can’t blame them.) They milled around poking and prodding it. They all agreed it was as new and clean as the one on the showroom floor. Then one guy, an older fellow, sauntered up, flipped the switch to “on”, opened the fuel valve, and pulled the cord. Nothing. I watched him. He manipulated every control exactly as I had. He tried again. Nothing. I sighed. He pulled again. The damn thing roared to life!

I was shocked! Everyone looked at me like I had antennae growing from my skull. Like I was the dumbest, knuckle dragging, ignorant, rube to crawl in from the hinterlands. They all carefully instructed me on the three rudimentary controls…as if I hadn’t fully understood the “on/off” switch.

You mean the switch isn't supposed to point to "off"?

For whatever reason it once again runs like the perfect machine that it is. Maybe it was bored and wanted a field trip. Or possibly karma has decided for some reason that I should look stupid.

Posted in Technology of Indignity | Leave a comment

My Safe Went Skynet

Posted on June 6, 2011 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Long ago I bought a cheap pistol safe. I used it to store my cheap pistol.

It was a handy little safe; pleasing black metallic finish, foam coated interior. I “multitasked” with it. My computer monitor was too low. What better use for a pistol safe than a monitor stand? I was surfing the net while armed.

I used the safe to store a stapler and a gun.

Keeping your office supplies in a locked safe makes perfect sense.

Since I didn’t live in Mogadishu or Detroit I mostly used the stapler. Every time I needed to staple something I was reminded of the combination. Despite what safety Nazis tell you, I never accidentally shot the computer. Nor did I inadvertently staple any home invading criminals.

But there was one time when the computer had it coming.

When I moved to a new house the empty pistol safe was misplaced. Years later I discovered it. Still locked. Over time I’d forgotten the combination!

It had a “feature” that you could open it with a default code and a 9 volt battery but only after the internal batteries were dead. I decided to wait them out. Then I discovered another feature; when the batteries got weak it chirped intermittently to prompt the owner to “replace the batteries dummy”. It was annoying but I’m a patient man. I put it on the porch and let it chirp. It chirped for ten months. During the long time I call “the dying of the batteries” it annoyed a few guests and drove a house sitter bonkers. Strangers viewed the unidentified malicious chirping black steel box on the porch with suspicion. Was it junk? Was it a claymore mine? I’m proud to say that visitors were never sure.

Finally it was dead. I used a 9 volt battery and the default code to open it. (Despite forgetting the combination I’d saved the instructions for a decade…what’s up with that?) The safe was in fine shape; and empty. (What were you expecting; Jimmy Hoffa and a pile of Kruggerands?)

Carefully following the instructions I popped in eight new batteries and set a new code. Yes, I wrote it down! I tested the code according to the instructions. Everything checked out so (as instructed) I locked it. Inexplicably the new code didn’t work. I tried several times to open it…no go. The safe had gone feral.

That’s when I discovered another feature. If you try to open the safe with a bad code too many times it sets off a different (louder and more obnoxious) alarm. How do you deactivate the “someone tried to break in” alarm when you can’t open the safe? You can’t!

In a fit of frustration I stuffed the stupid safe in the freezer. Maybe the cold would kill the batteries again? No luck so far. It’s been a week. Muffled beeps emanate from my freezer every twenty minutes. It’s like I’ve hidden criminal evidence amid the frozen peas and my conscious is torturing me. I’m haunted by my own damn safe! It’s maddening. The freezer now pisses me off! The room where the freezer resides pisses me off! Ralph Nader pisses me off! (O.k. that last one isn’t the safe’s fault.)

I'm not the first poor fool to have trouble stored in my freezer.

The safe must go! Tomorrow I’m hauling the damn thing to the dump. It’ll keep beeping another year or two and I can’t take it. It’ll probably give the guys at the dump nightmares.

Moral of the story? Either use your pistol safe to hold a stapler or shoot zombies daily because once you’ve forgotten the combination you’re doomed.

Trust me on this: No man can win a battle of attrition against eight AA cells.

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Failure Of The ‘Don’t Be Evil’ Concept: Part II

Posted on June 4, 2011 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

When lighting hosed my phone I discovered that in just six months Sonofabitches engineered two models to be mutually compatible.  They cleverly made it so a dead base “kills” two fully functional handsets.

Two questions: why and what to do about it?  First; “why?”  There’s no getting around why.  This cannot be incompetence…it is malice.

There is no explanation whatsoever except this; Sonofabitches are fucking with me.  Those evil, malignant, scum sucking, Sonofabitches went out of their way to deliberately make old stuff hard to “repair” and new replacements incompatible.  “Expandable to add new handsets” is just Sonofabitch bullshit marketing spin.  I know this is because the stores don’t carry a handset without a base, I can’t use my old handsets with the new base, and I feel the cold soulless depravity of market driven inhumanity whenever I think about them.

Google famously claims the code of conduct “Don’t be evil”.  Whether or not Google lives up to its goals it’s notable that “evil” is the default position of too many corporations.  There’s no point to it.  Capitalism may be competitive but if a company needs to be “evil” to make a profit then it’s a poorly managed entity that will eventually get their ass whipped severely by superior companies.  What the Sonofabitches just did is wrong, stupid, malicious, and …evil.  Sonofabitch managers deserve to be quartered, dipped in a pit full of leeches, and thrown in a cage full of hyenas…simultaneously

There is no need to be evil.  Honest businesses make money honestly.  I’d was happy to buy another product from them when “my” lighting hosed their device.  I’d have spent real cash and been happy about it.  But no…they got greedy. It wasn’t enough to make money from honest good service…they needed to engineer incompatibilities into the system.  For what?  For one sale?  They’d already made the sale.

It’s time to repeat a very important Curmudgeonly Gem Of Insight:

“It is never an American’s duty to pay money to people who piss them off.”

So I’ve been fucked by Sonofabitches.  What to do about it?  Actually not much.  The amount involved is small and I’m too busy to waste my life on stupid crusades.  Instead I’m going to wisely cut my losses and go for a clean soul.  I’ll leave karma to deal with Sonofabitches which is quite adequate because karma tends to win in the end.

Tonight I’ll take the new phone, all the packaging, and the receipt back to the store and return it.  I’ll buy virtually anything made by any  competitor.  This may seem strange; the new phone works OK even if it’s not backwards compatible.  Why return it?  Because those Sonofabitches acted like greedy little jackoffs.  I refuse to deal with them.  I refuse to send them my money.  I sincerely hope that their company goes broke and even if it doesn’t I don’t care.

I’ll know that I personally did not contribute to their success and that’s a good start.  One part of freedom is keeping leeches off.

I’ve also added them to my list of evil companies.  Time to repeat another Curmudgeonly Gem Of Insight:

“A company that fucks with me is banned from my life for eternity.”

I don’t suppose it will have any impact on their corporate conglomerate profits (or in the current economy; subsidy harvests).  But I’ll know that evil Sonofabitches didn’t get my hard earned cash and that’s priceless.

Posted in Curmudgeonly Gems of Insight, Libertarian Outpost, Technology of Indignity | Leave a comment