Adaptive Curmudgeon

In honor of COG week I propose a game called Spot the COG. Which of these two images represents a COG?

On the left is a hard working blue collar man. As a straight arrow, he chafes at the loser teenagers toking up in his basement. His highest ideal is to raise children who are not dumbasses and then kick them out the door. Trapped in the 1970’s, he faces difficult times in an era of recession. His one trip overseas was when he was drafted by the army. He enjoys the company of his wife and spends his free time puttering around the garage. He thinks you should go away and leave him alone.

On the right is a real world James Bond villain. As a ruthless schemer, he has killed more people by breakfast than most terrorists will in a lifetime. His highest ideal is to rule like an evil and vengeful God…which is exactly what he does. Faced with formidable foes, he killed or jailed them one by one…while smiling. His trips overseas usually involve starting wars and terrifying diplomats. He enjoys dominating his people and spends his free time shirtless and slaying wildlife. He could have you killed. He’s considering it right now.

This is one of a multi part series of essays about the long ignored and often undervalued portion of our society that you’ll never see on an episode of “Cops”.  Let us begin with one of the most important traits of a COG: Jobs.

Figure 1: A cubicle farm. It looks like hell, and it is, but COGs can and do withstand nearly any level of abuse for a paycheck.

1. COGs have jobs until they retire or die. It never occurred to them that someone else should pay their expenses. A COG who has excess money (even through inheritance) will likely invest in an enterprise and begin working at the enterprise.  COGs work; they just can’t help themselves.
2. COGs get jobs as soon as humanly possible.  Young male COGs were delivering newspapers on a Huffy in the rain at twelve. Female COGs were babysitting the neighbor’s sticky toddler at the same age.
3. COGs didn’t dither on their parent’s couches in their youths.  COGs sincerely  hope you’ll keep your ass of theirs now.
4. Young COGs are distressed to pay for Social Security they’ll never have. Old COGs are nervous that some yahoo will distort the market and pummel their precious 401(k).
5. All COGs secretly wonder how Wal-Mart can be busy at 3:00 pm on a weekday. “Don’t they have jobs? If not, who’s paying for all the crap they’re buying?” COGs wonder why nobody else asks this question.
6. COGs don’t think the government, Al Gore, or Krishna make jobs. COGs see jobs everywhere. They think everyone would have a job if the alternative were starvation.
7. COGs are convinced that children would appreciate iPods more if they earned them. They think a lot of adults would benefit from the same lesson.
8. A COG, watching TV will view any political protest anywhere for any reason and wonder, “it’s Tuesday, don’t they have to get to work”?
9. A COG might be in a labor union but they would never go to Wisconsin to prance around and shout. If a COG went to Wisconsin it would be to buy cheese and watch the Packers. COGs secretly wonder if all those protesters in Wisconsin had jobs and if so why weren’t they doing them.
10. A COG always has a job, even when they don’t. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, the collapse of civilization, a volcano eruption, or an alien abduction, a COG will still be present and ready to work Monday morning. If the worksite (and surrounding city) happened to be reduced to rubble, he’d go home and paint the garage.

In honor of COG week I propose a game called Spot the COG. Which of these two images represents a COG?

On the right are Chester Sullenberger and Jeff Skiles. They did not panic in a difficult situation; like plummeting to earth and certain firey doom. They successfully landed flight 1549 in the Hudson river when their plane experienced a catastrophic mechanical failure.

On the left are Cheech and Chong. Both have been know to panic in difficult situations; like operating a doorknob or speaking in complete sentences. They successfully crossed the border while driving a van made entirely out of pot and are the embodyment of catastrophic mental failure.