Adaptive Curmudgeon

I am remiss. I was so intent on honoring the staid and uncool but ultimately essential COGs that I left out the more colorful elements of my unified field theory of everything. I planned on expounding further when I got around to it. But the more specifically I describe COGs the more folks I exclude and the thinner the ice upon which I’m skating. I’d better add some details before I get myself in trouble.

First of all I’d like to say that I don’t fit the COG profile. I just can’t blend in. I fucking swear. I ride a motorcycle. I hang out in the wilderness. I’m armed to the teeth. I have a homestead. I spent too long in college, don’t watch TV, and don’t subscribe to Readers Digest (that’s in a future COG post). I think Bush was a twit and Obama is a man-child. (So much for the two parties which dominate 99% of politics.) I prefer the company of my tractor to just about everyone…and my tractor is broke. I spent all morning repairing my chicken coop and now I’m using a laptop in a rural diner where a cell phone is considered pretentious. Most of the people in the diner are discussing the corn harvest and weather. They fit together; they’re a community and they’re COGs. I’m a loner and I don’t fit in. I’m not a COG.

But that doesn’t necessarily assign me membership in the hordes of useless jackoffs that we disdain. Being a non-COG has no meaning until you ponder the next statement:

“An honest man is one who knows that he can’t consume more than he has produced.”

(Yeah, I stole that from Ayn Rand. Why not? I still think she got too excited about “captains of industry” and needed an editor with a meat cleaver.)

Trust fund losers, community organizers, lifelong politicians, and their like consume more than they produce. They’re a net loss to society. They are below COG. Society can only tolerate so many of them. I’m not alone in fearing they’re overloading the whole shebang.

The other side of the spectrum is beyond COG. These are non-COG folks that pull their own weight and also deliberately choose to live in ways that are extreme, unusual, or interesting. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I think a lot of my readers belong there.  I like to think I belong there too.  (But I may be biased.)

There are a lot of groups that are beyond COGs. Most of which are delightful and vibrant. They’re interesting and positive elements in my unified field theory of humanity (patent pending, your mileage may vary, take only as directed). I’m glad we have them.

Lets start with groups that took a good look at modern society and decided withdraw and play a different game. One example might be the Amish. They’re quiet, law abiding, and produce more than they consume. Does that make them part of the big boring population of COGs? Nope. They’re rare, esoteric, and they’re never going to be a big portion of America’s population. Yet they’re good for us. They’re preserving a way of life and certain important technologies (ironic no?). Their very presence is a spiritual buffer. We’re better off with them than without them. Collectively they’re a storehouse of knowledge. A support in time of need. A spiritual lightness in the atmosphere. They help hold up society even as they don’t play the same game. These folks buttress society.

Other folks who are beyond COGs deliberately light the path so others can find their way beyond. Aggregates of geeky open source software programmers freed my laptop from Windows. (Thank you so much!) Heritage seed collectors offer alternatives to Burpee’s hybrid tomatoes. Home schoolers raise whiz kids that embarrass the heck out of terminally mediocre public schools. The TEA Party makes the two main political parties lose sleep in their sleazy conjugal bed. Folks like this are lighthouses. They’re all over the Internet; giving advice about guns, homesteads, how to live free of regulation, how to do whatever it is that they’ve done to go beyond.  I turn to their advice all the time. I’m thankful they’re there.

Others see what the rest of us cannot and make the impossible happen. Thus improving the lot of mankind. Henry Ford took a look at millionaires toying with gorgeous but overpriced Stanley Steamers and made the cheap ugly Model T that farmers could afford. Edison’s lights let adults stay up past sunset. Marconi made free music come from a box.*  Norman Borlaug fed more humans than any man in all of history. These are catalysts.

So there you have it. Buttress, lighthouse, and catalyst; three ways you can be a non-COG without being a trust fund douche bag. There are other options I haven’t mentioned yet. As many paths as there are people who deliberately choose their way. Just because you’re not a COG, don’t assume I think the worst.

A.C.

* No, I don’t consider iDevices the kind of miracles radio was!  Jobs could really rock a turtleneck but put it in perspective.  Marconi did something that was limited to wizards and legend before his time.  Jobs made a Wurlitzer portable.  (Also Tesla was a genius but he was more of mad scientist than a catalyst.)

COGs have a lifestyle which has become remarkable as society around it has changed (see: “tanked”).  Many demographics have somehow created a mess of their lives while COGs keep on keepin’ on like they always have.  COGs take pride in their household’s lack of drama.

Figure 1: A nice COG house. Unfortunately this house whas subsequently the scene of non-COG activity.

1. COGs live in houses. A COG never truly feels at home in a condo, rental, timeshare, RV, cardboard box, or yurt. They endeavor to own their house.
2. COGs buy a house solely so they can live in it. They think investments are investments and houses are houses. You can tell the difference because you never have to re-shingle a 401(k).  COGs have simple mortgages and make payments religiously. COGs secretly wonder how everyone who doesn’t have a house gets through the night.
3. COGs moved out of their parent’s house as soon as possible.  They want their kids to do the same.
4. COGs do not have to live in the suburbs but that is one of their main habitats.
5. COGs have a lawn and they mow it. Lawns are important to COGs. Without a lawn where would the dog shit? COGs mow their own lawns. Hiring a guy named Jose and his six brothers to trim around the petunias just seems weird to a COG. A 20 horsepower riding lawnmower for a quarter acre is reasonable. An electric push mower is not.
6. COG hobbies include fishing,gardening, and inexplicably, bowling. Modern science cannot explain bowling.
7. Rural COGs hunt deer. Urban COGs don’t. Extremes either way are not COG fashion. If you have “Save Bambi” tattooed on your thigh or recently went on a safari to bag a Yeti you’re not a COG.
8. Male COGs have tools and do basic repairs to their home and/or car. They might build shelves or a doghouse. If you need a plumber to put a washer in the kitchen faucet or if you’re building a 40′ steampunk airship in your backyard, you’re not a COG.
9. COGs who get married mean it when they take their vows. They intend to stay married forever. Did you know 50% all marriages end in divorce? The other 50% don’t. COGs are still around!
10. If a COG has a pet it’s a dog or a cat. COGs do not have miniature horses or pot bellied pigs. A farmer COG might have cows. If so, he won’t name them.

So there you have it.  The well maintained and inherently reasonable COG household.  The polar opposite of the freak shows which seem increasingly common.  I’ve got a lot more respect for a COG’s house than a rock star’s mansion.

In honor of COG week I propose a game called Spot the COG. Which of these two images represents a COG?

On the left is a machine designed specifically to handle solid waste.  It worked non-stop longer than every living thing on the planet.  It outlasted all of it’s type.  Never faltering, never stopping, never pondering it’s fate.

On the right is a machine that smokes, drinks, and will pick your pocket.

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COGs are rarely overtly political.  COGs correctly view politics as a flamboyant method to avoid getting a real job.  However they seem to wind up financing damn near everything through their taxes.  You’d think this would encourage them to get more active but instead it encourages them to view the rest of the population as useless layabouts.  (Which, statistically speaking, is true.)

Figure 1: A visual demonstration of a politically active NON-COG. There are no photos of politically active COGs because they're all working on something boring like the street plowing schedule for Muncie Indiana.

1. COGs are annoyed when Al Sharpton calls them a racist. They are not racist. They think Al Sharpton needs a real job. Something useful like replacing tractor brake pads. Yo-yos like Al Sharpton would be less annoying if they had a purpose in life that didn’t involve bitching at COGs.
2. COGs are annoyed when a fruit loop wearing the American flag as a turban, a dog collar, a diaper, and Nikes is prancing around at the gay pride parade. COGs are not homophobic. However, COGs want you to quit blocking the road because it’ll make them late for their daughter’s orthodontist appointment. COGs assume the fruit loop in the streets would calm down if he had a job.
3. COGs are annoyed when someone self detonates in a discotheque in Jerusalem. COGs are pretty sure God doesn’t communicate through explosives. COGs are absolutely convinced that jerks like that are what happens when people don’t have jobs.
4. A COG can have a gun or not have a gun. A COG who doesn’t have a gun (usually urban) doesn’t go to anti-gun candlelight vigils. A COG who does have a gun (all rural and some urban) doesn’t staple the second amendment to the front door. All rural COGs have guns, this is tradition and COGs adhere to tradition.  Gun owning COGs don’t generally own flashy firearms. If you have a cannon you’re not a COG.  COGs, regardless of whether they have firearms or not, do not care if you have a weapon; unless you’re a criminal in which case they’d like you put in jail for for a couple hundred years.  If you’re trying to rob a COGs house and they have a weapon, they will use it.  They’d rather not because they don’t want the hassle of patching a hole in the drywall.
5. COGs vote. COGs won’t try to get you to vote for their guy even if they think your guy is a moron. COGs are pretty sure your guy is a moron. COGs wonder how most politicians got that far without having a real job. They wonder if their politician ever mowed his own lawn. They’re sure yours hasn’t. Until recently a COG would always vote for one of the two useless parties in America. COGs are increasingly voting third party but do so furtively. COGs don’t put political bumper stickers on their car because that would mess up the paint.
6. A COG can go to church without speaking in tongues.  A COG may think an atheist is going straight to hell and still help him install a garage door.
7. A COG doesn’t care whether the electricity is made from coal, windmills, or unicorn farts, so long as the refrigerator keeps the milk cold.

When I was growing up I was taught that the advent of the personal automobile was a vast improvement in the freedom, mobility, and general welfare of all Americans.  This was true.  Children are now taught that people should enjoy being herded onto mass transit to sit between homeless derelicts that throw up on your shoes and gang bangers looking for a fight.

The dawning of a new age of freedom!

COGs understand cars.  They break the world into three categories; people with cars, folks like children and the elderly who cannot have a car, and people who don’t have a car as a demonstration of their inherent uselessness.

An adult without a car is going nowhere both literally and figuratively.  (Though COGs might shy away from flowery language like “figuratively”.)

1. All COGs have cars. They have a car because they have actual lives and actual responsibilities. They need to get to work…every stinking damn day and not just when the bus is running.  They need to get to their kid’s soccer game. They need to get groceries. They need to visit Grandma.
2. COGs do not oppose electric cars, recumbent bikes, in-line skates, or whatever flamboyant horseshit non-COGs choose to gallivant around in. They only oppose paying for it. Also it would be nice if you stayed the hell off the road. COGs secretly wonder how the heck you can hold down a job if you use a recumbent bike as a means of transportation.
3. COGs have valid drivers licenses and insurance on their cars.
4. COGs don’t drive drunk.
5. If a COG gets a speeding ticket for going five over the limit they’ll try to keep it under their hat.
6. Male COGs believe adult men who don’t have their own car should never get laid.  Female COGs will never seriously consider a liasion with a man that doesn’t have his own car.
7. COGs never park illegally.  They’re not sure why.
8. COGs appreciate superior vehicles but will be satisfied by darned near anything that is guaranteed to start on a cold morning and move under its own power.
9. COGs view car leases with suspicion but will usually accept payments on a car loan.
10. A COG, when facing dire financial stress, view the loss of their car as the first step on a slippery slope that leads to doing tricks in an alley in Tijuana.

In honor of COG week I propose a game called Spot the COG. Which of these two images represents a COG?

On the left is a hard working blue collar man. As a straight arrow, he chafes at the loser teenagers toking up in his basement. His highest ideal is to raise children who are not dumbasses and then kick them out the door. Trapped in the 1970’s, he faces difficult times in an era of recession. His one trip overseas was when he was drafted by the army. He enjoys the company of his wife and spends his free time puttering around the garage. He thinks you should go away and leave him alone.

On the right is a real world James Bond villain. As a ruthless schemer, he has killed more people by breakfast than most terrorists will in a lifetime. His highest ideal is to rule like an evil and vengeful God…which is exactly what he does. Faced with formidable foes, he killed or jailed them one by one…while smiling. His trips overseas usually involve starting wars and terrifying diplomats. He enjoys dominating his people and spends his free time shirtless and slaying wildlife. He could have you killed. He’s considering it right now.

This is one of a multi part series of essays about the long ignored and often undervalued portion of our society that you’ll never see on an episode of “Cops”.  Let us begin with one of the most important traits of a COG: Jobs.

Figure 1: A cubicle farm. It looks like hell, and it is, but COGs can and do withstand nearly any level of abuse for a paycheck.

1. COGs have jobs until they retire or die. It never occurred to them that someone else should pay their expenses. A COG who has excess money (even through inheritance) will likely invest in an enterprise and begin working at the enterprise.  COGs work; they just can’t help themselves.
2. COGs get jobs as soon as humanly possible.  Young male COGs were delivering newspapers on a Huffy in the rain at twelve. Female COGs were babysitting the neighbor’s sticky toddler at the same age.
3. COGs didn’t dither on their parent’s couches in their youths.  COGs sincerely  hope you’ll keep your ass of theirs now.
4. Young COGs are distressed to pay for Social Security they’ll never have. Old COGs are nervous that some yahoo will distort the market and pummel their precious 401(k).
5. All COGs secretly wonder how Wal-Mart can be busy at 3:00 pm on a weekday. “Don’t they have jobs? If not, who’s paying for all the crap they’re buying?” COGs wonder why nobody else asks this question.
6. COGs don’t think the government, Al Gore, or Krishna make jobs. COGs see jobs everywhere. They think everyone would have a job if the alternative were starvation.
7. COGs are convinced that children would appreciate iPods more if they earned them. They think a lot of adults would benefit from the same lesson.
8. A COG, watching TV will view any political protest anywhere for any reason and wonder, “it’s Tuesday, don’t they have to get to work”?
9. A COG might be in a labor union but they would never go to Wisconsin to prance around and shout. If a COG went to Wisconsin it would be to buy cheese and watch the Packers. COGs secretly wonder if all those protesters in Wisconsin had jobs and if so why weren’t they doing them.
10. A COG always has a job, even when they don’t. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, the collapse of civilization, a volcano eruption, or an alien abduction, a COG will still be present and ready to work Monday morning. If the worksite (and surrounding city) happened to be reduced to rubble, he’d go home and paint the garage.

In honor of COG week I propose a game called Spot the COG. Which of these two images represents a COG?

On the right are Chester Sullenberger and Jeff Skiles. They did not panic in a difficult situation; like plummeting to earth and certain firey doom. They successfully landed flight 1549 in the Hudson river when their plane experienced a catastrophic mechanical failure.

On the left are Cheech and Chong. Both have been know to panic in difficult situations; like operating a doorknob or speaking in complete sentences. They successfully crossed the border while driving a van made entirely out of pot and are the embodyment of catastrophic mental failure.