Adaptive Curmudgeon

Taki’s Magazine has the following fourteen words that sum up everything I’ve tried to say with thousands:

“The cause of civilizational decline is dirt-simple: lack of contact with objective reality.”

The text is spot on; if  bit too “fight club” for me.  I think you can get by with hard work and other challenges that aren’t the same as a punch to the face but accomplish the same thing.  Regardless, the concept is sound.

Hat tip to The Fourth Checkraise.

…but it was only me.

I was cold so I turned up the furnace.  Something that never happens…  Never ever ever.

The firmament of the universe tilted slightly at the news of this unprecedented event.

Don’t be alarmed.  It was only temporary.

The thermostat is now set back to 55 degrees where it belongs.

UPDATE:

Some folks seem to think 55 degrees is a bit low.  Harrumph!

I can (and have) dispensed with the furnace altogether in the past.  It started out because I was cheap and broke.  It continued when it became a personal challenge and a thumb in the eye of all societal pressure to the contrary. (It was also the series of posts that grew my blog’s hit-counter from absolutely embarrassing to merely pathetic and started me on the tragic path of multi-part posts.)

Links are below:

• The Furnace Chronicles Part I: The Call
• The Furnace Chronicles Part II: Preparedness Is Unrewarded
• The Furnace Chronicles Part III: I Decide To Experiment
• The Furnace Chronicles Part IV: Economics Thoreau Style
• The Furnace Chronicles Part V: To Have My Cake And Flush It Too
• The Furnace Chronicles Part VI: Ant Kicks Grasshopper’s Ass
• The Furnace Chronicles Part VII: Eating Your Vegetables Is Good For You

Both parties have completely given up on the Federalist view that America is made up of States.  One party centralizes power almost by accident.  They do it like a dog scratches fleas (see: absolutely everything).  The other party talks about “states rights” so long as they don’t have to face states actually making decisions (see: Terri Schiavo).

I dislike this development.  A Federation of 50 states has an inherent range of options.  It allows people to move from places they hate (see: gun buffs in California) to places they favor (see: gun buffs in Texas).  It allows each individual to seek their own habitat (see: hippies in California) and leave places where they’re unhappy (see: hippies in Texas).  It’s bad to lock people in a place from which there is no escape (see: most nations in most of history).

In honor of the states and the remaining differences between them I make the following predictions:

13. California will have electrical brown outs. Lacking either an Enron or a Bush to blame, they will claim it was caused by weather and condors. Governor Jerry Brown will promise more windmills; which will be dependent on weather and kill condors…this will cause brownouts.
14. Texas will execute extra criminals while experiencing a booming economy. They’ll do this just to piss off folks in fading former powerhouses like New York and California.
15. Wisconsin will experience a thriving economy and balanced budget.  This will infuriate unions which are trying to get Scott Walker recalled.  Walker, who campaigned on fiscal issues and is doing exactly what he said he would, will squeak out a victory against the recall.  After a recall battle which breaks all former records, is entirely negative, and financed by out of state interests, citizens will ponder suicide en masse.
    
16. Obama will campaign in Wisconsin only if it’s clear that Walker will lose; at which point he will claim that only he, the great Obama himself, can throw Scott Walker into the pits of Modor.  If it’s clear that Walker is about to win the recall, Obama will avoid the entire time zone.
17. Michigan, which didn’t engage in a Walker like examination of budgets, will quietly sell Detroit for medical experiments.  This will keep their state government running for six hours.
18. Iowa, which nobody cares about, will become very very popular for a few months.  Both parties, recognizing the seriousness of our $15,366,385,247,458.29 debt, will decide that it’s a really good idea to keep subsidizing corn.
19. North Dakota will continue it’s oil boom. Americans will grudgingly learn to locate North Dakota on a map.  Unemployed young men who escape the siren song of Occupy Whatever will flock there to find work.  As soon as they’ve made enough money to buy a decent truck they’ll flee for warmer climes. The entire population of North Dakota (all forty of them) will be delighted with their thriving economy while secretly wishing the newcomers would leave.  Obama’s campaign, recognizing employed people busily making fossil fuels have no time to screw around listening to speeches, will avoid that entire portion of the continent. Inexplicably, his Republican opponent will avoid the state too. The common ground between the parties is that neither of them care about North Dakota and their measly three electoral college votes.  (Also that free market jobs are radioactive.)
20. Rhode Island will smugly point out that it has four electoral votes compared to North Dakota’s three.  North Dakota residents will point out that they have lawns larger than Rhode Island.

Update:  Here’s the link to Cassandra Report I.

Suppose you must have a high mileage vehicle.  Maybe you’re cheap (efficiency is a virtue) or maybe you’re dedicated to reducing your carbon footprint or some other green kool-aid.  I don’t care.  All I want to do is save you from the hollow death of a boring vehicle.

High MPG does not mean gutless and uninspired.

You might think you want the ultimate high mileage vehicle…the Chevy Volt.  Forgetting that the Volt is powered by coal fired electricity it suffers from something else.  A fatal lack of cool.  Here is an identical priced alternative to the Volt with high MPG and…unlike the Volt…balls!

Photo A:

The $40,000 Volt. Photo taken in a showroom because none have been actually driven. If you drive this vehicle, even nerds will beat you up.

Photo B:

The $40,000 Morgan. If you drive this vehicle you'll have a permanent grin. It can rock your socks like a rocket sled on steroids. Jay Leno (who's driving it) is NOT in a studio because this is a machine meant to be driven...not a spreadsheet entry. (Image linked.)

The Morgan cost about the same as the Volt.  It gets 50 MPG.  It goes 0 to 60 in 4.5 seconds.  It sounds like a raging bull.  Women will want you and men will want to be you.  If you ever meet a Volt you’ll blow it’s doors off and be halfway around the world before the Volt has left the parking lot.

I’ve been reading about them for a while.  Here’s what a review had to say:

“…[it] gets its steam up with a noticeably Harley-like bellow from its pair of straight-pipe exhausts.”

and

“…feel vividly the robust crankshaft doing its business, the Harley-style driveline unit directly beneath our buns making sure that the power and torque reach the rear Vredestein tire without shredding it like confetti.”

Oh God yes!  Has anybody said something that sexual about a Volt?  But wait there’s more.

“There’s a fantastic noise from the V-twin that happens upwards of 3,500 rpm. Below that threshold, the sound and rumble come mostly from beneath in the exhaust pipes and driveline. But north of there, the two fat, fuel-injected cylinders out front start to sing an octave or so higher. Between the fresh wind raking past our head and that visceral racket happening from both up front and out back, the soup of sensations is really intoxicating, yet it’s also enough for us to realize that a good pair of goggles would be a perfect piece of kit. We know we need to back off sooner than we’d like, if only to keep our retinas from separating, but that practical decision to do so is delayed for as long as possible. There will be no 125-mph top speed runs today, however.”

And then it cuts to a video just so you can hear the delicious exhaust note as it’s fired up and nonchalantly peels out.  It looks fast just sitting there, sounds awesome at idle, and that’s not even considering what other dimensions of joy you’d feel with the hammer down!   It makes an electric clone of a Ford Fusion seem as exciting as a lobotomy by comparison.

“The thing, for all of its admitted quirks, is a pavement-grappling road rocket.”

Remember…50 MPG and same price…but you’ve got a goddamn rocket!

“…five-speed manual transmission pulled from the Mazda MX-5 Miata.”

If you can’t shift, you’re too pathetic to own this!

How about handling:

“…there is no anti-lock supervision, electronic brakeforce distribution, nor any other assistance on offer.”

So it’s not as good as the computer assisted control everything with a chip Detroit product?

“…stops on a dime.”

Yes!

Even better is that it’s being produced for profit.  They pre-sold 500 of them (July 2011) and will be marketing in the US in 2012.  The Volt needs a tax subsidy to drag a few out the door and this thing is causing the Morgan company to scramble to gear up to make more to keep up with demand.

Remember this is about the same price as the Volt and gets 50 MPG.  High MPG does not mean boring.  Listen to me folks.  Don’t drive shit just because gas is expensive!

Regardless of the game’s outcome, the question that weighs on my mind is the following:

“Will my tax dollars subsidize another stupendously expensive Chevy Volt ad? And if so…what. the. hell?!?!”

I’m not watching the Super Bowl but surely I’ll soon know the answer.  In the meantime I’m willing to make a few guesses:

1. Like global warming hysteria and disco, some stupid things take time to fade.  The economic madness of 2008 will not go easily into it’s dark night.  Thus I give Government Motors solid 3 in 5 odds that they’ll air a second consecutive ad for “the car which nobody is buying” (a.k.a. the Volt).
2. Like disco and the Monkees, stupid things don’t last forever.  Thus I predict the Volt will suffer the fate of another company that massively overestimated it’s market niche.  I present the Pets.com sockpuppet.  Yes, folks I’m referring to a time of historic madness; the 1990’s.  People who had drank their own Kool aid thought pet food was a great fit for Internet marketing.  This is called…a bubble.  Or as I like to think of it “the complete absence of objective reality”. To me, the 2000 Pets.com Super Bowl ad, was the high water mark of the “if we put e- in front of it we’ll make money” dot com bubble.  (I believe this was the same year they were pushing Internet enabled refrigerators.)  I remember thinking “their business is mailing dogfood and this is supposed to support Super Bowl airtime?”  Silly me, I had failed to get on the e-commerce bandwagon.  (Note: after airing a Super Bowl ad in February, Pets.com was bankrupt by November.)  Obviously a Federally subsidized program (the Volt) will resist market forces that pummeled Pets.com but it’s a done deal in the long run.  Everything from dog food delivery to the Soviet Empire eventually must adapt to the market.
   

   I'm an advertising gimmick that outlasted my parent company. I'm the most adaptive SOB you've ever met!

   P.S.  Allow me to ad one high note.  The Pets.com sockpuppet has “found work” long after it’s strange beginning.  All hail the adaptability of the cute puppet!

I’m here to warn about vehicular complacency in the face of expensive gas.  (Not that gas is expensive right now but it’ll go up again.  I’m placing bets on shortly after November 2012.)

We are Americans.  We should love driving.  Slinking around in gutless jellybeans is not in our DNA.  Expensive gas should not turn us into dour losers in boring wheeled appliances.  Leave that for the French.

I’ve seen the small car conundrum before:  In the late 1970’s something terrible happened; I’m not talking about disco, Carter, or polyester pants…I’m talking about Detroit’s self immolation.

Detroit had long churned out massive bloatmobiles.  Some were cool.  Some where shit.  Most were low quality.  All were based on cheap gas.

The price of gasoline soared.  In 1978 the price of gas was about $0.63.  In 1979 it jumped 36% to about $0.86.  In 1980 it jumped another 45% to about $1.25.  That’s 98% in two years. Ouch!

Detroit, land of big companies and bigger unions, rose to the challenge.  Ha ha…I’m just kidding.  It shit itself.  Even as a child I was disgusted.  Look at the title of my blog; I think “adaptability” is a big deal.  Things that can’t adapt are either extinct or should be.

Our government and Detroit were maladapted to expensive gas.  Together they bailed out Chrysler in 1979.  Americans were rewarded with the Dodge Aries / Chrysler K-Car.  Japan, a place nobody at the time cared about, displayed adaptability and ate Detriot’s lunch.  Well played gentlemen.

The thing that bothered me, even as a wee lad back then, was that Detroit had decided that a small car was a shitty car.  Wrong!  Being a kid, I knew better.  Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was a small car and that son of a bitch flew!

My folks (and I’ve always remembered this lesson in adaptation) dumped a standard American gas hog and bought a fuel efficient German car.  (Imports were practically unheard of in my redneck town).  It got great mileage.  More importantly it was fun to drive.  Even as a kid I decided it was fun even to ride in it.  It had farfegnugen!  Suck it Detroit!

Years later nearly every car on the road is better than a late 1970’s Detroit wheeled slab.  Most get wildly superior MPG, they’ve got better suspensions, cupholders, and AC is pretty much assumed.  But joy?  Still spotty.

When my household has needed a high MPG car we’ve bought from Japan.  Our current high MPG machine looks like a doorstop from the outside but it has a fun little five speed and I smile every time I drive it.  I’d hop in and drive cross country right now…no hesitation…it’s that fun.  It gets around 36 and that’s not screwing with the numbers or driving like an anemic octogenarian hypermiling weenie.

If I need higher MPG I’ll take my motorcycle (a Honda that’s made in Ohio).  I’ll smile like a madman, dress like a Klingon, rev the throaty engine, and blast out of town like a freaking maniac.  I’ll still crack 45 MPG at any non-stupid speed.  In any summer month I’ll hop on my motorcycle for a cross country trip at the slightest excuse.

Once my wife and I caravaned across the Wyoming high desert in dual high MPG vehicles.  My motorcycle was suitably black and menacing.  Her Miata had the top down and she looked hot.  (Yeah baby…I noticed!)  We both rocketed across Wyoming both faster and more efficient than most “economy cars” and it was fun.  (In the wind and high speeds the Miata beat my MPG…all hail fuel injection and sleek bodywork.)

High mileage does not mean low fun unless you’re an unimaginative asshole; which seems to be where a lot of car manufactures are coming from.  Learn it, know it, live it.  And it you can’t use a clutch…get that maladaption rectified right quick because part II will give an example of high MPG machines that rock.

This post will list movies which should have been on the list of 100 cult movies had the list been written exactly I’d have written it.  Which is to say, perfectly.

Note that “cult” means something transcending the ordinary and also not wildly popular in an of itself.  That doesn’t mean that the movie must be great, important, relevant, life altering, or get you laid when you watch it with your girl.  It’s not a cut and dried definition.

In no particular order I present my abridged list of movies which you must see before you’re allowed to die:

Idiocracy (2006). Because we’re living in it. This is not a good movie. It is a stupid/fun movie. However we live in a stupid world so the movie gets at something with a lazer like focus.  You will wish you could forget this silly movie and you will fail.  Events will remind you of it every week.  The studio tried to kill this movie and they failed.  Because it’s true and we’re doomed.

We're already in it.

Blue Velvet (1986). Because Dennis Hopper’s unhinged “bad guy” character scared the living shit outta’ me.  While you’re at it, remove Lynch’s appallingly bad Eraserhead from any list of anything ever.

David Lynch knows how to brew up a seriously disturbing experience.

Lawrence Of Arabia (1962). Marvelous. I watched this on a small screen and robbed myself of it’s majesty. For that misjudgment, I should be shot.

Watch it big.

The Third Man (1949). It turns out that Orsen Welles was a hellish good actor and not just a fat washed up loser. Who knew? A movie with a superb villain not because he was outscale like a Bond caricature but because he was totally believable. World class.

Yeah, go down that tunnel. I dare ya!

Tremors (1990).  The only reason to watch this movie is for Michael Gross undergoing a weird transformation from loser beta male from Family Ties to the hapless Bert Gummer.  Apparently Michael Gross can act.  Who knew?   The movie is neither deep nor intelligent.  Tough shit Einstein.  Watch it anyway.

You broke into the wrong damn rec room didn't ya, you bastard!

Easy Rider (1969).  A good movie in it’s own right.  Sadly hampered by the miasma of bullshit that lingers over the Boomer’s (and our society’s) misty eyed sympathy for “the 1960’s”.

A road trip with a happy ending.

Gran Torino (2008).  A masterpiece.  Clint Eastwood was trying to say something far to complex for clueless media twerps to favor but he got the point across with a sledge.  Not a “cult movie” but I put it on my list because I felt like it.

Stay off the lawn.

Falling Down (1993).  Just as cheerful as Gran Torino but 15 years earlier.  Also not a cult movie but it should be.

This is why I no longer live in California.

I read a blog post which commented on another blog’s post which refers to an an article about book which discusses movies.  So of course I wrote my own post; an astounding fifth order commentary.  We’re doomed as a species aren’t we?

It’s a list of 100 cult films.  I bolded the ones I’ve seen and added comments which are worth precisely what you paid to read this blog.

2001: A Space Odyssey, Stanley Kubrick, 1968

One of the best musical scores I’ve ever heard.  Play it loud and forget all the times you’ve heard it re-made.  Imagine hearing it for the first time.  Everyone babbles about how deep this movie is but don’t let that get in the way of simply enjoying it.  However, it’s not light fare for a first date or just to kill an afternoon.

Akira, Katsuhiro Otomo, 1988
Angel of Vengeance, Abel Ferrara, 1981
Bad Taste, Peter Jackson, 1987
Baise-moi, Virginie Despentes, Coralie Trinh Thi, 2000
Begotten, E. Elias Merhige, 1991
Behind the Green Door, Artie Mitchell, Jim Mitchell, 1972
La belle et la bête, Jean Cocteau, 1946
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, Russ Meyer, 1970
The Big Lebowski, Joel Coen, Ethan Coen, 1998

A good movie.  I’m not sure why it deserves cult status but so be it.

Blade Runner, Ridley Scott, 1982

An excellent movie.  How they made a Phillip K. Dick story into a movie with a logical plotline is a mystery.  The happy ending is bullshit.  Bonus points for a plot that includes Daryl Hanna’s thighs nearly crushing Harrison Ford’s skull

Blue Sunshine, Jeff Lieberman, 1978
Brazil, Terry Gilliam, 1985

I have watched Brazil approximately 2,345 times.  I never get tired of it.  Dystopia with humor.  Superb!  Terry Gilliam really is all that and a bag of chips.

Bride of Frankenstein, James Whale, 1935
The Brood, David Cronenberg, 1979
Das Cabinet des Dr. Caligari, Robert Wiene, 1920
Café Flesh, Stephen Sayadian, 1982
Cannibal Holocaust, Ruggero Deodato, 1979
Casablanca, Michael Curtiz, 1942

A surprise winner.  I expected it to suck and was blown away.  Sometimes the classics really are as great as people say they are.

Un chien andalou, Luis Buñuel, Salvador Dalí,1928
Coffy, Jack Hill, 1973
Daughters of Darkness, Harry Kümel, 1971
Dawn of the Dead, George A. Romero, 1978
Deadly Weapons, Doris Wishman, 1974
Debbie Does Dallas, Jim Clark, 1978
Deep Red, Dario Argento, 1975
Dirty Dancing, Emile Ardolino, 1987

Are you shitting me?

Django, Sergio Corbucci, 1966
Donnie Darko, Richard Kelly, 2001
Don’t Torture a Duckling, Lucio Fulci, 1972
Edward Scissorhands, Tim Burton, 1990
Emanuelle and the Last Cannibals, Aristide Massaccesi, 1977
Emmanuelle, Just Jaeckin, 1974
Enter the Dragon, Robert Clouse, 1973
Eraserhead, David Lynch, 1977

This is student filmmaker crap that wouldn’t go anywhere if Lynch hadn’t done so well later in life that people are brainwashed to think he farted brilliance from day one.

The Evil Dead, Sam Raimi, 1981
Fight Club, David Fincher, 1999

This movie is a Rorschach test.  Either you’re a baffled metrosexual who doesn’t get it or you’re on the edge of your seat dying to join fight club and start getting bloody.  Excellent movie.

Flaming Creatures, Jack Smith, 1963
Freak Orlando, Ulrike Ottinger, 1981
Freaks, Tod Browning, 1932
Ginger Snaps, John Fawcett, 2000
The Gods Must Be Crazy, Jamie Uys, 1981

Meh.  Not bad.

Godzilla, Ishirô Honda, 1954

How can you not love Godzilla?  Though the version with Raymont Burr is pasted on top like spray paint on your car’s hood.  Subtle?  No!   For fun look for hints of the Green Movement cool aid drinker’s attitude that’ll become commonplace 50 years hence…you’ll see it in spades with this odd creation.

The Harder They Come, Perry Henzell, 1972
Harold and Maude, Hal Ashby, 1971
Häxan, Benjamin Christensen, 1922
Hellraiser, Clive Barker, 1987
The Holy Mountain, Alejandro Jodorowsky, 1973
The House with the Laughing Windows, Pupi Avati, 1976
I Walked with a Zombie, Jacques Tourneur, 1943
Ichi the Killer, Takashi Miike, 2001
In Bruges, Martin McDonagh, 2008
Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Don Siegel, 1956
Invocation of My Demon Brother, Kenneth Anger, 1969
It’s a Wonderful Life, Frank Capra, 1946

It’s only good because James Stewart relentlessly jacks into your brain’s sympathy centers and stomps on it.

The Killer, John Woo, 1989
Lady Terminator, H. Tjut Djalil, 1988
The Lord of the Rings, Peter Jackson, 2001–3

Really?  No.

Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, George Miller, 1981

Yes!  All hail the vaguely gay, oiled up, football pad wearing king of all high drama; the Humungous!  If Australia existed for no other reason then as a setting for a movie this would be the movie.  Bonus points for the entirely logical premise that when gasoline is rare enough to kill to obtain it, the logical adaptation is to drive muscle cars around in the desert.  It’s more realistic than any movie involving a bicycle.

Man Bites Dog, Rémy Belvaux, André Bonzel, Benoît Poelvoorde, 1992
Manos, the Hands of Fate, Harold P. Warren, 1966
The Masque of the Red Death, Roger Corman, 1964
Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, 1975

Required fare of every college student and most sentient high schoolers.  The ending pissed me off…which probably amuses Terry Gilliam to no end.

Near Dark, Kathryn Bigelow, 1987
Nekromantik, Jörg Buttgereit, 1987
Night of the Living Dead, George A. Romero, 1968
Pink Flamingos, John Waters, 1972
Piranha, Joe Dante, 1978
Plan 9 from Outer Space, Ed Wood, Jr, 1959

This is total shit.  Grafting Bela Lagosi on shit doesn’t make it into a rose.

Re-Animator, Stuart Gordon, 1985
Reefer Madness, Louis Gasnier, 1936

Good grief this was horrible.

Repo Man, Alex Cox, 1984

One of my favorite movies.

Ringu, Hideo Nakata, 1998
The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Jim Sharman, 1975

A bad movie made fun because fruit loops act it out not because the material has special spark.

Rome Armed to the Teeth, Umberto Lenzi, 1976
The Room, Tommy Wiseau, 2003
Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom, Pier Paolo Pasolini, 1975
She Killed in Ecstasy, Jesús Franco, 1971
Showgirls, Paul Verhoeven, 1995
Soul Vengeance, Jamaa Fanaka, 1975
The Sound of Music, Robert Wise, 1965

A movie so good I can tolerate a musical with Julie Andrews.  No small feat.

Star Wars, George Lucas, 1977–2005

It’s easy to forget how awesome this movie really was.  George Lucas re-edited them and then made three movies all with the goal of destroying it.  Even his incredibly bad judgment can’t tarnish the original genius of the first series.

Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story, Todd Haynes, 1988
Suspiria, Dario Argento, 1977
Tank Girl, Rachel Talalay, 1995

Meh.

Tetsuo, Shinya Tsukamoto, 1989
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Tobe Hooper, 1974
This Is Spınal Tap, Rob Reiner, 1984

Meh.

Thriller: A Cruel Picture, Bo Arne Vibenius, 1974
Thundercrack!, Curt McDowell, 1975
El Topo, Alejandro Jodorowsky, 1970
The Toxic Avenger, Michael Herz, Lloyd Kaufman, 1984
Two-Lane Blacktop, Monte Hellman, 1971
Two Thousand Maniacs!, Herschell Gordon Lewis, 1964
The Vanishing, George Sluizer, 1988
Videodrome, David Cronenberg, 1983
The Warriors, Walter Hill, 1979
Witchfinder General, Michael Reeves, 1968
Withnail & I, Bruce Robinson, 1987
The Wizard of Oz, Victor Fleming, 1939

When I was a child this movie scared the living shit out of me.  I’m not sure I’ve ever seen it all the way through while sober.

My next post will list movies which any sane person would have added had they been exactly like me…which is everyone’s goal right?

The problem with prognostication is not the risk of being wrong, it’s the frustration if you’re right but still have to sit through the train wreck. Unfortunately, you must put your words on the record before you’re allowed to perch on a bar stool watching the Republic burn while saying “I told you so”. In no particular order I make the following predictions:

Election 2012

1. Newt Gingrich will never, under any circumstances up to and including the zombie apocalypse, become president. There, I’ve said it. We can all quit pretending. Newt could cure cancer on live TV and still lose. If I am wrong you may ridicule me in the future.
2. Depending on who becomes the Republican candidate, the press will either obsess over either Newt’s ex-wives or Mitt’s underwear. If you have a TV, throw it out the window while there’s still time.
3. Ron Paul will not win in 2012. He will probably never win. However, he’s the Energizer bunny and the longer Washington stays stuck on stupid the closer Paul comes to doing the impossible. Ron Paul will always cause the press to pull a Baghdad Bob but stranger things have happened than a president Ron Paul. Would you have bet on President Nelson Mandela or President Lech Walesa? (Not that Ron Paul has been locked in a South African Prison or faced down Soviet threats…only that sometimes the underdog wins big.)  Also Paul’s real value is as an unvarnished example of a man who sticks with his principles even when they’re unpopular. People like to think he’s so weird he’ll sprout antennae but I’m reminded of Orwells words: “During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.”
4. The 2012 election will go to the person who loses least. Obama’s mismanagement will continue to be so epic that it will eventually render Steven Colbert speechless while the Republicans will work equally hard to snatch defeat from the hands of victory.
   
5. Whatever interchangeable tool the Republicans choose will have the principles of a limp noodle and the excitement of a metronome. He will go to great lengths to shoot himself in the foot 37 separate and distinct times while studiously avoiding any clear stance on anything until he’s nothing but Forrest Gump waving the flag.
   
6. The press will label the Republican contender a racist, gay-bashing, badger raping, shithead who will personally attack voters during unverified but certain to be true monthly vampric killing sprees.  Right wing talk radio will claim that Obama is the anti-Christ and this election, like all other elections, is the most important election of all time. If you’re thinking of joining a cult in order to avoid politics, this would be a good year.
7. Congress, which has already gone 1000 days since the last full budget, will fail to approve a proper budget.  This is what we call “compounding the suck”.
8. Both campaigns will be entirely negative but leaks will be one sided and practically invented from whole cloth. If there’s a confidential report that a Republican candidate undertipped a waitress in Des Moines in 1972 it’ll be front page news that he stole her car and sold her cat on e-bay.
9. Obama will continue to be a mystery that teleported into existence through divine providence in 2008. There’s nothing more to see here…move along.
10. If the election is anything other than a landslide for Obama there will be multiple simultaneous localized recounts. Recounts will continue as needed until they get the correct pre-determined answer. A Republican candidate needs to win by an unmistakable margin. Mathematically the model is as follows: drop out third party voters, of the rest assume it’ll take 48% to elect Obama or 52% to elect his opponent, then hit yourself in the head with a mallet. The new 48/52 election system will be a permanent part of American life so long as it takes more ID to buy Sudafed than vote.
11. A major press outlet, staffed by people who barely understand algebra, will opine that the electoral college is outdated. Nebraska and Maine, which apportion electoral votes on a pro-rated basis, will split nearly 50/50 and be virtually irrelevant. As they should be.
    
12. The press, which gave up even the pretense of impartiality in 2008, will personally dry hump Obama every time the man is seen in public. Barack Obama could be seen gutting a live kitten on TV while naked and it would be presented as a great step forward in our economic recovery.