Adaptive Curmudgeon

The day has dawned and your freshly cleaned kitchen awaits. No it doesn’t. It has been trashed!

Luckily you saw this coming. Consult the deer cam you set up last night and identify the culprit.

If the kitchen was trashed by raccoons you can legally shoot them. Was it trashed by your kids? Are they minors or unemployed young adult louts? Technically you’re not allowed to shoot them but they definitely have it coming.  If they’re over 20 it’s possible that jury nullification will exonerate you. If you did it yourself…you deserve your fate. No more bacon for you!

Now go buy the implements you’ll need. Your kitchen almost certainly already has everything you need but buy new stuff anyway. You’re a man, you’ve got sixteen dozen socket sets, do you really need encouragement to do the same for your cooking endeavors?

Get a set of measuring cups and measuring spoons. It’s my theory that metal cups are better than plastic. There is no reason why this should be true but isn’t metal always more awesome? Don’t buy any “wonder devices” that measure multiple units. Don’t buy cups any bigger than 1 cup (too much volume is bad for measuring flour). Adjustable wrenches are inferior and so are adjustable measuring spoons. Cups and spoons will probably cost less than $10. A garage sale is a perfectly good place to shop.

Get a liquid measuring cup with 4 cup capacity. Liquid measuring cups are the things that look like you can drink out of them. They’re made of heat resistant glass. Yes, you can drink out of them…but don’t. Use the glasses that you just washed…duh. You can use a graduated cylinder if you happen to be a rogue chemist.

You’ll need a pastry brush. It looks like a cheap paintbrush. Do not try to use a paintbrush. I can’t believe I had to actually type that. They’re cheap. Buy two.

You’ll need a whisk and a big ass spoon. Nothing special but they’re part of the process.

Don’t get anything metric unless you live in France. If you live in France you should already know how to make bread. Duh.

Don’t let these objects commingle with the rest of the measuring devices in the kitchen. These are yours. These are for your full assault on the bread monopoly that’s keeping it’s boot heel on our collective neck. Like weaponry, your bread tools are now mission critical implements which should be properly stored where you and only you can access them.

This is most of what you'll need. If you let it mix with the general kitchen riff raff you'll add 2 hours labor to every bread batch. This is because magic pixies sneak in at night and make your stuff dirty and personally hide it in nooks and crannies you'd never think to look. (I base this on empirical observation.) Moral? Keep your shit organized and separate...even if this means a secret cache in the nearby forest.

Here’s where things get hairy. You need a few specialized items. You may have to venture into a mall to get them. Doesn’t that suck? I hate malls! Slam a few shots of liquor if needed. It’s perfectly reasonable to order these things on-line or beg your wife to get them on your behalf.

You will need a baking stone. A baking stone is a device that looks suspiciously like an overpriced flat brick. The bread is baked right on the stone so I don’t think a brick will work. If you try it and it works I want to know. The baking stone serves as a thermal mass that will regulate the heat of your oven. I believe the root cause of this are ovens made of cheap Chinese steel instead of the 500 pound behemoth that is the way an oven should be constructed. The baking stone probably does other stuff that is terribly important but I skipped that part of the book. Just get one.

We’ve owned two of them. One cost $30 and the other cost $10. In my eyes $30 is not cheap. Life is cruel that way. You are allowed to borrow this device from your wife but if she doesn’t approve just go out and buy the most expensive damn one you can find. Why not? It’s a tool right? Do you want the bread companies to win? I thought so.

You should seek a rectangular baking stone. I don’t have a rectangular baking stone because I haven’t found such a thing for sale. Apparently I live in the heathen frontier of Twinkie eaters and frozen pizza. Who knew? I presume my wife’s circular baking stone was meant for making pizza (though I can’t recall ever seeing a pizza on it). The circular shape causes minor hassles when I try to cram too much bread on it. I originally wrote that a baking stone should last forever but during the lag time of editing this article the stone broke for no apparent reason. This is why editing sucks and you should just post whatever fool thing comes into your head.

This is not a pizza peel. It's a big honkin' spatula from my BBQ grill. It 'aint elegant but it does the job.

The book I’m using suggests a pizza peel. A pizza peel is a wooden thing that looks like a canoe paddle. All the expensive pizza places make a show of using this device to shove pizza into their really awesome wood fired brick oven. I don’t have a pizza peel. I can’t find one for sale. I’ve been using a big spatula from my BBQ. It works OK. I’m considering attacking a small canoe paddle with a belt sander and making my own. (If this works I’ll tell you.)

You’ll need a special bucket. Actually you don’t need one but you’ll be happy you bought one. All the cool kids have them. If you don’t get new ones just for your bread you’ll waste hours looking around for the kitchen for the perfect piece of Tupperwear and then find out that your wife doesn’t want a Neanderthal like you using it because that piece of Tupperwear is totally different than the other pieces of Tupperwear. Don’t try to understand…just go with it.

My wife, who is a genius, kindly bought me a set of two 6 quart Cambro round food storage containers. They’re well built and work just right. I don’t get a dime if you buy them so don’t chalk me up as a corporate shill. If you need to justify the expense, use a sharpie to write the word “tactical” on the lid and it’ll seem like a better deal. I have no idea why this works but trust me, it does.

The next post will cover ingredients. Don’t fret, most of the stuff you’ll buy lasts for a long time. One shopping trip should cover several dozen loaves of bread. (Also, it’s cheap!)

A.C.

Update 1: I have managed to break two baking stones.  Both snapped while I was in a different room and not touching them.  This pisses me off.  Apparently a baking stone can be broken thought thermal expansion and contraction…which makes as much sense as the first generation of iPhones being really good at everything but telephone calls.  When I have a solution to the baking stone conundrum I’ll post it.

Update 2: I ordered a pizza peel from the Internet, it was reasonably cheap.

Now that I own this I feel like one of those food snobs that can pronounce "arugula". Yes, it is demonstrably superior to a monster spatula.

Many reviews of many different brands of pizza peel warned that the wood might crack (delaminate). They were correct; mine arrived cracked. It works fine despite the crack.

2012 marks the era when society can make an iPod disposably cheap but can't produce a flat chunk of wood.

Any project of merit requires a good workspace. For example; your success fixing a car will be related to your garage (though I have empirically demonstrated that a good garage is necessary but not sufficient to produce a repaired tractor).

You cannot bake a good bread without a good workspace. Don’t try.

Here’s what you do. Clean off the kitchen table. All of it. No bullshit. Don’t leave the pile of bills that always resides on on end. Don’t leave the kid’s Legos and undone homework in your way. Remove the doily that inexplicably sits in the center and take the opportunity to dispose of the ridiculous scented candle that sits on the doily. (Toss it in the trash and blame the cat.)

Now make some bacon. Why? Because it’s bacon. Do you need a reason to enjoy bacon? If so, why are you reading this blog?

When in doubt, make bacon.

There is a second purpose to this exercise (though bacon alone should be sufficient). This activity will familiarize the average male with the location and functioning of the oven. That’s the metal box that makes food and which is not the microwave.

Sit at your clean table eating bacon and ponder the following:

1.What utensils did I use to make this bacon?
2.What is the condition of the kitchen?

Lets address #1 first. If you used the microwave for the bacon you cannot be saved. Sorry but you’re doomed. For the rest of us, bacon requires a pan, a fork, and a plate. If you used more than one pan for the bacon you’re the kind of dipshit that’ll trash the whole kitchen to make a loaf of bread. You’re inefficient and stupid. Either resolve to make bread in the most efficient manner possible or take up another hobby which won’t annoy other members of the household; possibly interpretive dance or politics. If you’re eating the bacon out of the pan…you’re going to be a huge success.

Now lets’ address #2. Is the kitchen clean and sparkling?

Really? It is? Wow! Did you do that? I didn’t think so! Did your wife do it? Ah ha! Does she maintain the kitchen in a pristine and spotless condition? If so, it’s time to rethink your objectives. Drive to the nearest jewelry store and pick up a nice diamond necklace. Then set it down and pick up one that costs 10% more. Repeat. Do it again you cheap bastard! Now buy it and deliver it with a smile for a clean kitchen is akin to God. Solemnly promise that you’ll stay out of her clean and beautiful kitchen. Then go out and buy a deer camp, fishing hut, or RV. Do your cooking there.

Of course the previous paragraph didn’t apply to your house did it? Your kitchen is heaped with unwashed forks and the trash bin is overflowing. Don’t lie to me; I know the truth. Everyone’s kitchen is trashed. Aren’t you glad you’ve saved the cost of a diamond?

After you’ve finished your bacon it’s time to begin the first task. Clean the kitchen.

Clean everything. Don’t pull bullshit like moving the crap from one area to the next. Look in the oven. Studies show that 8% of all ovens have dirty dishes in them. Modern science cannot explain this. Clean the stove top. You won’t be needing the stove top but it needs to be cleaned anyway. You slob! Then wash the dishes, including the silverware and the yucky pots that have been “soaking” for far too long. Suck it up and wash that undefined object you use to scoop spaghetti. Just do it all.

You’ve not merely cleaned the kitchen; you’ve “detailed” it.

This will take 1,483% longer than you expect. When you’re done you’ll be in no mood for cooking. No worries. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Luckily you’ll have already eaten bacon.

Your final step is to announce loudly to everyone in the building (even if it’s just the dog) that the kitchen is clean and you’re going to bake bread tomorrow and the place had better be just as clean tomorrow or there will be hell to pay. Like a declaration of war, this announcement is legally required as part of the male bread baking process.

Then, because you will be ignored, set up a deer cam to record the identity of the perpetrator when the kitchen gets trashed overnight.

On to part III.

Some folks, in what will eventually be understood as a colossal mistake, have asked for recipes and advice about baking bread. You asked for it! You’re the one who opened the cage. What comes next is all your fault, you have brought it upon yourselves, and nothing can save you now.

Also I have written this is advice for men who like to eat and maybe even kill stuff so they can eat it but who aren’t really into cooking for it’s own pleasure. Experienced cooks, macrobiotic pioneers, poets, paleos, and punk rockers had better find advice elsewhere. You’ve been warned.

The first step is to explore your motivation. Make a firm commitment to bake bread. This isn’t cooking… it’s a stand against the crumbling firmament of society. This is a line in the sand. The point where you stick your head out the window and howl at the moon.

Don’t think “I shall make a loaf of bread”…that’s too wimpy. Think manly; “I’m gonna’ bake the shit out of a loaf of bread!” Closer but not enough. Try this “Those son of a bitches at corporate bread are never going to see another damn penny of my money!” Yeah, that’s it!

A man needs to approach a project with the feeling associated with carrying the most powerful weapon in existence to the heart of evil and throwing that bastard into the volcano. It’s a war and you’re going to win! The goal here is to make bread so damn good you’ll never (or rarely) buy it again. You’re going all in on the bread front. Are you ready to rumble? Good!

Now on to part II.

Soon I’m going to launch into a multi-part series of essays that expound on recent bread baking successes at Curmudgeon compound. You were warned. There’s a prerequisite for this free lecture series / class / ramble / rant / unexpected shouting. I implore you to buy (or steal) the book I’ve recommended. Trust me…it’s worth it.

Some background: I think bread from the store is overpriced tasteless sawdust unfit for the likes of man nor beast but I don’t cook or bake…I manufacture. None of this makes me a fan of cookbooks. I’ll stock rations and maybe grill a fish when I catch one but cooking anything better than food to keep alive is above my pay grade. Food manufacture is where I’m happiest. Forget crème broule and think steak and eggs (including killing the deer and raising the chickens). Glossy cookbook recipes involve too many pans and dishes. Based on my biases I’ve muddled through several years with a few old bread machines. It worked.

Then my wife (who is probably sick of bread machine loaves) got me a book. Somehow it clicked and I’ve been churning out awesome bread. Go figure.

This is the book you need. Take it into the kitchen and trash it. (BTW: I couldn't smile that brightly if I was sitting on an arc welder...but that doesn't reflect on the recipe.)

I heartily suggest you buy Healthy Bread in Five Minutes a Day. Why? Because bread was invented several thousand years ago but this book was the first since Gutenberg to provide instructions that don’t annoy me. Sure there are other cook books (my wife has hundreds of ’em) but the only two I’ll ever use are as follows: the lame little pamphlet that came OEM with your bread machine and Healthy Bread in Five Minutes a Day for when you are ready to free yourself of the machine. Also, it’s Grandma approved and that’s important.

Specifically I’m using the recipe from page 53 through 58. That’s the “base” recipe. There are chapters and chapters of additional great ideas for people who care. I don’t. I flipped through them and decided that if someone wants to air lift such food to my house I’d love to have it but other than that the “base” does the job.

Am I really suggesting that you buy a 324 page book just to get the information on five pages? Yes. Many times I’ve bought a Chilton Manual to fix my car and only used the section relevant to replacing whatever just fell off. (Ironically I had more luck with mid-70’s rear wheel drive American rustbuckets than my much simpler older tractor. There’s probably something important in that observation…but it doesn’t involve bread.)

For the paranoid people out there; I don’t get a dime from recommending the book. I don’t know the authors and really don’t care if they live in a solid gold house or a shoebox. But you should pry open your wallets and do the deed, get creative and check it out from the library, or whatever you’ve got to do. You can just lie to me and tell me you paid even though you didn’t…how would I know? My point view is that any book that makes me look like a good cook is an investment…like a good chainsaw. More to the point, I’m going to feel guilt if the authors of the book don’t get at least some scratch from people that use it. Buy the damn book. It’s worth it.

Oh yeah…the same authors also wrote Artisan Bread In Five Minutes A Day. It’s on my shelf (did I mention that my wife likes cookbooks?). I’m sure it’s awesome and filled with really brilliant stuff. Someday I’ll read it. It works great as a coaster too. As for me I’ll pound their “base” recipe into the ground and be thankful for it.

A.C.

P.S. I realize now that they have a whole web site. I’m sure it’s exciting to someone. I slipped into a coma at the thought of it. Maybe the recipe is there somewhere.

P.S. 2. I apologize for the image on the cover. I’m sure they’re nice people and even handsome; but the zillion megawatt smiles freak me out. It’s like a televangelist on speed standing next to a Clark Kent / Labrador hybrid. I’m sure they both mean well and are just ecstatic to meet you. Still freaks me out though. I can’t smile like that. If I ever do you’ll know I’ve gone off the deep end and someone is about to get thrown into my own personal shark moat. This why I prefer repair manuals with something mellow like a drum brake assembly on the cover. Don’t panic.

Wild rice (gathered by canoe!) with slow cooked chicken (downsized the flock!).  Fresh ground whole wheat baked into bread and served hot with melting butter.

Beer.

Apple crisp for desert.

Absolutely nothing fancy.  Delicious!  A good meal should pass the grandma test.