Adaptive Curmudgeon

This morning my (land line) phone rang.  That’s one of the reasons I hate phones.  I didn’t recognize the generic corporate caller ID but I answered.  (I was expecting an important business call about something I’ll neither confirm nor deny but definitely did NOT involve any broken down heavy equipment I saw on Craigslist.) Nobody was on the line so I hung up in ten seconds.  I cursed my stupidity in answering.  I assumed that my number had now been recorded by iNinjas who would send me marketing materials about Steve Job’s toenail clippings encased in Lucite as a Christmas gift.

A couple hours later it happened again.  It had a different (and still vague) caller id.  Nobody there so I hung up in 8 seconds.  I assumed my number was now in the hands of the Vladimir Putin.

A couple hours later it happened again.  It showed a third (and still vague) caller id.  Nobody was there so I hung up in 6 seconds.  I assumed my number was now in the hands of either PETA or a Nigerian banker.

Just now it rang with a caller id that indicated an actual human being, but with a name I didn’t recognize.  The caller identified himself as conducting an opinion poll.  I hung up in 2 seconds.  Then I buried the phone, salted the earth where I’d put it, pissed on the spot, and covered it in cement.  I’ve disconnected my (already unlisted) land line and changed my name.  I am moving to a different state.  You can’t be too careful.

Of course it was a phone poll.  This is their quadrennial mating season.  Yuck.

I’m as amused by Gallup type polls as any other betting man and politically aware person.  However, they’re a mess.  No poll conducted by any phone will ever truly measure my opinions.  Nor will they measure the opinion of anyone who has a pulse and knows how to hang up a phone.  Who actually answers unsolicited land line poll questions?  Are they insane?  Are they needy?  Are they the same people that like jury duty?  Do they have lots of spare time and talk to their cats?  Is it a last grasp at human contact before the sinking feeling that you’re alone in a room full of empty pizza boxes and failure sinks into your soul and playing Warcraft loses it’s joy?

Phone polls are goofy in the cell phone era.  They were inaccurate a decade ago.  They’re tea leaves now.

This is delicious!  Jimmy Kimmel went out before the presidential debate and asked people “who won yesterday’s debate?” Trick question?  Yep!  Did people fall for it?  Yep!  Guess which side?

I’d like to think many Americans didn’t take the bait.  I pray that dozens of people said “there was no debate” or “I didn’t watch the debate”.  I’d even be happy with “I was too busy doing heroin”.  All of the above are intellectually honest answers.

Sadly, several (who knows how many) said “Obama won the debate…he rocks”. Is that not hilarious? Enjoy the show:

This reminds me of Romney’s “47% gaffe”.  The press pilloried him when he said 47% of the population would never, ever, under any circumstances vote for him.  Conservatives responded with a shrug.  To them it was merely a statement of fact.  (If expressed incredibly poorly.)  The press got the vapors.

Kimmel caught some of them on tape.  Anyone who will describe specific detailed memories of Obama winning a debate which hadn’t yet happened is, was, and will always remain unreachable.  Saying a true thing is only a “gaffe” in the mind of the kool-aid drinkers.

Hat tip to Small Dead Animals.

Psych!

I’m watching Firefly instead.

I nominate Jayne Cobb and his lovely assistant Vera as moderators for all future Presidential debates.

There’s no particular reason why I chose this week to ridicule the Obamaphone (or rant over 4% of Americans getting “free” phones!).  Apparently I hit upon a timely topic. Who knew I’d write about anything popular during the crucial “mainstream media limitation period” (patent pending) of the election campaign? (Note: the surgeon General says bullshit is bad for you. Just say no to “journalists” who speak directly from their butt!)

The People’s Cube have described the Obamaphone in exquisite detail. You should click there right now…don’t even read the rest of my post.

You’re reading the rest of the post aren’t you? Nobody follows directions! Ok, here’s a taste to encourage to head for the original article.

Totally true facts about the Obamaphone:

• It automatically rejects calls from people with a different opinion.
• It doesn’t have a plan; it just keeps telling you how bad the other guy’s plan is.
• When it crashes, it blames your previous phone.
• The healthcare app downloads and installs itself without your permission.
• When you make a call, a teleprompter pops up to help you speak.
• It automatically bows down to phones made by foreign companies.
• When you watch a YouTube video, a US ambassador gets killed.
• As opposed to the iPhone, it’s called the mePhone.

H.T. to Irons in the Fire.

Boomberg’s pet health board has approved the Soda Ban.  Somehow I’m not surprised.  However I found something even more interesting than Bloomberg’s galactic nanny state ego.  Check out the very first line of the article:

Seeking to reduce runaway obesity rates, the New York City Board of Health on Thursday approved a ban on the sale of large sodas and other sugary drinks at restaurants, street carts and movie theaters, the first restriction of its kind in the country.

That’s interesting because I grew up in a foreign country called America.  I was taught that there are three branches of government; legislative (which make the laws), executive (which enforces the laws), and judicial (which interprets the laws).  Most state governments follow suit and the concept is supposed to trickle all the way down to little insignificant  jurisdictions like Bloomberg’s playpen.

The funny thing is that I don’t recall ever hearing about the fourth and unstoppable branch of government called the Board of Health.  I’m pretty sure I’d have remembered Board of Health if they had Constitutional (or State) authority over what I eat for lunch.

I guess it just goes to show; we have empirical evidence that the people who live in New York City are lardasses and lesser beings who cannot think clearly enough to feed themselves.  It’s a wonder they’re allowed to walk the streets lest they get lost and start crying.  Kudos to the unelected Board of Health for controlling the subjects of Gotham as they mismanage their little childlike lives.  Also to King Bloomberg for improvising when the voluntary actions of free citizens might hinder his unquestionably superior world view.

We hold these truths to be self… What? They’re drinking LARGE sodas? Screw that! Forget the Revolution and have the King’s Health Board and straighten this shit out!

I already mentioned this in June:

• Soda Ban Response
• Soda Ban Response II

Hat tip to Days of our Trailers.

P.S.  The City of New York is in debt for $73.5 Billion or $8,763 per New Yorker.  Nothing to see here.  Move along.

A recent post (Free Gas Versus Free Phone) is still resonating in my head.  I have another thought about the Obamaphone lady.

You may recall the kerfluffle when Mitt Romney said that 47% of the electorate simply wouldn’t vote for a Republican.  The press went apeshit about “the gaffe” while many of us thought it was simply a statistic (and one likely to be true).

Consider this money quote from the Obamaphone lady: “Romney, he sucks! Bad!” It sounds like she’s got her mind made up about whom she’ll vote for.

Only an idiot would coach Romney to reach out to this woman.  He doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell to win her vote and everyone knows it.  Yet, Mitt’s decision not to chase her vote caused the press to deconstruct his campaign as “failing”, label his words “a gaffe”, and demand an apology.

I can’t get the Obamaphone lady out of my head so I did a little research.  I found a website with some answers.  There might be more details (and there are 38 assorted State programs too) but at least I got a crude outline of what’s going on.  Mostly I discovered that this is not an urban legend and (by my math) 4% of American’s are on the cell phone dole.

4% of Americans get a free cell phone!

Let me repeat myself because it freaks me out.  4% of Americans get free cell phones.  Nobody directly reports that statistic so I resorted to the arcane black magic they used to teach in school; math.  The census bureau says there are 311,591,917 Americans.  The web site says there are 12,500,000 recipients of cell phones.  Thus 12,500,000 / 311,591,917 = 4%.  I did not know that 4% of Americans get free cell phones.  Did you?

I’ve got a plan for the next time someone bitches at me about politics because I’m a rich, privileged, wanker who can’t understand their special grievance and the ninth level of hell that is being so broke you can’t afford the iPhone 5.  I’m going to ask if their cell phone is a “free” government “Obamaphone”.  If it is I’m going to scream “I am the 96%” and kick them in the balls.  I suppose then I’ll have to set up a tent in front of a bank and play bongo drums?  I really haven’t thought out the next step…

Here are more facts to ponder:

• Yes, you can get a free cell phone.  Well you can’t and I can’t.  But there are people who do get “free” cell phones.
• The “free” phone comes with 250 minutes per month.
• The “free” phone comes from the government.  The site refers to a “FCC-mandated, government-sponsored program, called LifeLine Assistance”.
• 12,500,000 Americans get “free” cell phones.  There are 311,000,000 Americans.  Thus 4% of the population is getting a free phone.
  
• It’s technically not an “Obamaphone”.  The web site seems particularly upset with this.  “It’s been commonly called the ‘Obama phone’ but that’s an urban legend as free cell phones were added under the Bush Administration.”
• The free phone isn’t a junky one.  “A free governmentl [their misspelling, not mine] phone isn’t a cheap wireless phone or a discounted model. These are recent model, fully featured cell phones, backed by prominent mobile phone companies. You won’t get an iPhone, Android or Blackberry, but you’ll get a basic, modern phone.”  Wouldn’t that suck?  Getting a free phone and finding out it wasn’t a recent model?  Of course my phone is nearly a decade old and it was the cheapest out there when it was made.  Then again  people who get free stuff  probably wouldn’t want to stoop to the cheesy old TracFone that I use (and pay for).  Not that I’m bitter…
• It’s not a “tax” (like Obamacare) it’s a “fee”.  “Everyone who owns a telephone pays. A few cents is tacked on to every phone bill every month. It’s listed on those bills as the Universal Service Fund. All those pennies are put into a program called LifeLine to bring quality telephone service to every American.”  I only added the Obamacare thing because they started it.  They spin it with “a few cents” and “pennies” so I added my opinion.  Why?  Because it’s my blog; posted via my phone service (which has a Universal Service Fund “few cents” tacked on every bill) so I will spin it anyway I want.  (Note: I am pleased that folks who really go off grid, such as the Amish, aren’t paying it though taxes.  That’s cool.)

[Warning political ramblings: feel free to tune out for a while and come back when I’m under hawk attack again]

Back in 2008 I watched a video with Peggy Joseph.  In 2011 I revisited it with How’s That Working Out For Ya? I posted the video below for comparison.  She seemed like an earnest young woman who was sincere in her belief that Obama could make everything better.  She hadn’t drank the kool-aid, she was steeped in it.  She was sure that, should Obama be elected, she wouldn’t have to worry about buying gas or paying her mortgage.  Money quote: “If I help him, he’s gonna’ help me.”  Check it out:

At the time I felt like we’d hit rock bottom.  Here was a woman who thought the president was going to solve all her problems, tuck her in to bed at night, and possibly walk on water.  Where do you go from there?

Now I know.  For 2012 we go from free gas to free Obamaphones.  The new money quote: “Keep Obama in president…” Watch it below:

Holy cow!  I can’t help marvelling at the verbal train wreck.  The visual takes away from the beauty of her words so I added a transcript:

[Obamaphone Lady] Obama!

[Reporter] You got an Obama phone?

[Obamaphone Lady] Yes! Everybody in Cleveland, low minorities, got Obama phone. Keep Obama in president, you know? He gave us a phone!

[Reporter] He gave you a phone?

[Obamaphone Lady] He gonna do more!

[Reporter] How did he give you a phone?

[Obamaphone Lady] You sign up. If you’re… If you on food stamps, you on Social Security, you got low income, you disability…

[Reporter] Okay, what’s wrong with Romney, again?

[Obamaphone Lady] Romney, he sucks! Bad!

One could be upset.  One could look at this and think we’re screwed as a nation.  I see it as fascinating.  It describes a world so very far away from anything I can imagine.  All I can think is; “here is someone who can’t create a sentence“.   For the most part I thought everyone could form a sentence.  A child can say “I see the dog running.”  Compare this to “Keep Obama in president, you know?” and “If you on food stamps, you on Social Security, you got low income, you disability.”  

There are people that say things like “you disability“?  I tend to forget this.

Lets explore something else.  The 2008 video of Peggy Joseph felt like rock bottom but it was a shining beacon compared to “Obamaphone lady”.  Consider Peggy:

• She could speak in complete sentences!
• She had made a deliberate decision about her kid’s education.  (She took her child out of school to attend a political rally.)  I might not select a political rally as “educational” but it’s an idea with merit.  Any mother who’ll provide her kid with educational events beyond the confines of a school is doing a good thing.
• She had a car.  (How else could she look forward to Obama releasing her from the worry of buying gas?)  I assume she can drive too.  There’s even a likelihood that she has a job?
• She had a house.  (How else could she look forward to Obama releasing her from the worry of paying a mortgage?)  This is another hint that she has a job.

It just goes to show that whenever you think you’ve hit the lowest ebb, there’s farther to fall.  Best to enjoy what you’ve got.  For example, Peggy seems like a truly nice person and her 2012 analogue seems like a disaster.  I miss Peggy.

A.C.

P.S. I realize that in any population there are the outliers.  Presumably there’s a video somewhere of knuckle dragging morons who are Romney supporters.  I just haven’t seen it.