Word For The Day: Setback Mowing

Posted on June 25, 2013 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Setback Mowing (verb) – The practice of mowing the living shit out of your yard so the grass will be stunted and take an extra long time before it has to be mowed again.

I’ve already discussed triage mowing. That’s when you give up all pretense of mowing your yard in an orderly manner. We’d all love a big green expanse that’s flawlessly and equally trimmed. We’d also like a butler and a Learjet. To keep up with the lawn I’d need a month of vacation. (That’s one thing the French get right!) All bets are off when the grass is going apeshit and everything looks like Kudzu on crack. Triage mowing is your last ditch attempt to hold entropy at bay.

Whenever this happens I find myself wishing I’d gotten off my ass this spring and fenced in everything but a tenth acre around the BBQ. I wish I’d turned loose a herd of sheep, or cattle, or antelope, or Mastodons. Anything that eats enough grass to keep things from going full hayfield sounds like a great plan!

Faced with more lawn than available labor I flit around during meager dribs and drabs of “spare time”; mowing only the portions of the lawn that are growing the fastest. Places that have the deepest grass get mowed. Everywhere else gets ignored. (Here’s a hint: the grass really is greener over the septic tank.)

Recently I turned the corner and hammered everything down to a manageable level. Ideally I’d crack a beer and sit on my porch feeling smug. Triage mowing was no longer necessary! Alas I’ve got a big project coming up. Once it starts I’ll have no time to mow anything for quite a while. The grass will overtake me again! Well played oh verdant nemesis.

So it’s time for strategy two, setback mowing. I dropped the deck as low as I could and mowed the damn grass twice. When I was done it was a battered, dried, beaten, shadow of its former glorious health. It’ll come back but it’s going to be a long struggle. Even if it dies I don’t care. Lawns in the suburbs are pretty and useless. Mine is ugly and useful. It’s a non specific storage and firewood production area mixed with chicken grazing, a shooting range, and open fields of view useful for sniping predators en route to the barn. There’s a reason homesteads don’t coexist with uptight homeowners associations.

Barring a dustbowl event, I’m thinking my gambit will pay off. Wish me luck!

Posted in Word For The Day | 3 Comments

Morning Schedule

Posted on June 21, 2013 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon
  1. Get up & start the coffee.
  2. While coffee is brewing, go to the barn and turn the chickens loose.
  3. Notice a skunk nosing around the woodshed.
  4. Shoot the bastard.
  5. Pour coffee.
  6. Go to work.
Posted in Homesteading | 6 Comments

Corruption Niche: III

Posted on June 13, 2013 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Editorial note: This post was written before recent “unexpected” scandals about NSA surveilance of American’s phones and internet. I decided to post the text as it was writtten.

You’ll note that I listed cell phones as “a miraculously unexploited corruption niche” and was “puzzled” why it hadn’t been exploited. Apparently the deed was already done. Puzzlement solved!

You’ll also note that I listed internet privacy as a “mixed bag” instead of “your actions are being monitored by the NSA right now”. Silly me!

All this broke thanks to an active press.  Not our press of course. Since the 2008 election cycle the mainstream press has been nothing but Democratic fluffers.  Thank goodness the British press filled the role our domestic press abdicated. Eventually America’s mainstream news will stop being presidential cheerleaders or finish going broke. Since they dropped the ball (and buried it) I’m hoping the latter will go down quickly and open up opportunities for actual journalism again.  I miss reading newspapers!

Earlier I mentioned my theory that when a situation is ripe for corruption, someone will step into that role. Today I though I’d list a few random corruption niches. They’re in no particular order and not related to any particular axe I’m grinding. They’re just part of a game I play called “how long before someone does predictable evil and everyone acts shocked”.

Misused niches:

  • Abu Garab: I’m not going to discuss this one further.
  • Red Light Cameras: Studies show they cause more harm than good. In a corruption free world that would be enough to eliminate them.
  • State Sales of Alcohol: The 21st amendment repealed prohibition in 1933. Eighty years later some states still maintain monopolies on liquor sales.  Al Capone would have been proud to seize power and keep it in a stranglehold like that!
  • BATFE “Walking” Guns To Mexico: Illegally routing guns to criminals in another nation isn’t a good idea. That’s why it’s illegal! It takes a lifetime of smelling your own farts to somehow justify being the guy in charge of enforcing a law while deliberately breaking it. Not that anybody in power cares, but several people wound up dead.
  • Strategic Oil Reserve: America wisely stashes oil for times of emergency; like war. Not long ago high prices were sold as sufficiently tragic to dip into the reserve. Thus a prudent idea became a political squeak toy.
  • Japanese Internment During World War II: American citizens were hauled from their houses and imprisoned en masse. This travesty was implemented by people who presumably slept soundly after what they’d done. Remember this, Americans can and have hauled Americans into internment camps. The question is never “can the unimaginable happen in free America”; it has happened before and it can always happen again.

Miraculously unexploited niches:

  • TSA “perv-scans”: TSA’s scanners take millions of “nude” images. Could there be a greater temptation to a pervert? I expected some of those images to show up on the Internet. I still do. The TSA has delayed the inevitable longer than I expected.
  • Black boxes in cars: Modern cars collect data as you drive. As fas as I know this hasn’t been harvested too often for misused too deviously. Give it time.
  • Cell phones: Cell phones (as required by law) are equipped with a GPS. Your phone knows where you are, is never off, and reports its location to cell towers without your knowledge. If you’re like most Americans you’re stupid enough to carry it around the way an anemic supermodel totes a Chihuahua. It also knows everyone you talk to, when, for how long, and how frequently. Even Orwell didn’t imagine everyone carrying around a tracking device that writes down your every move. I’m not sure why law enforcement hasn’t gone nuts with this juicy prize? This puzzles me.

Mixed bags:

  • Drones in America: In 1984 the Terminator was a silly movie. By 2001 armed Predator drones were killing people in Pakistan and Uzbekistan. On March 6th Rand Paul filibustered the Senate just to answer the following question; “Is it legal to kill an American in America with a drone?” Talk about an easy question!  The answer should have been “No” and sane people could have answered within minutes. The slow and murky response to Paul’s simple question tells me more than I want to know.
  • Internet Privacy: Google, Facebook, Amazon, Microsoft, credit card companies, etc… They’ve been aggregating personal data like it’s their religion. So far the worst they’ve done is gradually upgrade “v1agra” spam to “targeted advertising” that’s laughably inaccurate. Privacy hazards are terrible and ubiquitous but so far the dial hasn’t been turned to eleven.
  • Public Schools: Our public schools cost a fortune and many truly suck. They often employ spectacularly incompetent people under the management of equally incompetent administrations. They seem intent on (and successful at) creating the next generation of illiterate dolts. There’s no doubt some teachers are lazy, others are morons, many are bullies, and a few truly rotten apples are pedophiles (a pox on them!). Then again it’s not universal misery. Some teachers actually teach, a few do so very well, and not every administration is a disaster. Some kids even reach adulthood without being pummeled into intellectual mush. Good for them! On the spectrum from “excellent” to “hell with ample funding” schools could be vastly better or they could drift a little farther into the depths to which they’re prone. I call it a mixed bag and am thankful I’m neither a student nor a teacher.
Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Corruption Niche II

Posted on June 12, 2013 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

First an editorial note from the Curmudgeon:

Events have overtaken me.  Daily politics get overwrought so I try to let the fetid air disperse before commenting. I wrote about “Corruption Niches” well after the trifecta of suck which included “the IRS scandal”. I obligingly scheduled the post to sit for a few days before going live.  The better to let the initial dust settle.  I had a point to make that went beyond “the guy in the big chair is corrupt”.  Sadly it didn’t time out well.  Scandals have been oozing out of Washington DC en masse.  Predictable scandals?  Yes.  Did we see them coming?  Of course.  Are they clustered and numerous?  Surprisingly so.  Are they currently orbiting one particular politician and his regime?  Yes.  The last one doesn’t do my theories any good.  It’s hard to ponder the inevitability of systematic corruption when a singular and overreaching fountain of misdirection is pulling strings from the Oval office.

I originally made a second “Corruption Niche” post (scheduled to go live today). It listed a random assortment of what I perceive to be corruption niches. It was my way of saying “don’t hyperventilate over the IRS because, being the wise adaptive person you are, you already knew the IRS was corrupt”. You did know that didn’t you? If not, consider yourself informed.  For the most part I presume everyone who reads my blog knows that power corrupts.

Sir John Dalberg-Acton, (1837 to 1869). Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men, even when they exercise influence and not authority, still more when you superadd the tendency or the certainty of corruption by authority. There is no worse heresy than that the office sanctifies the holder of it.

Sir John Dalberg-Acton (1837 to 1869) Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men, even when they exercise influence and not authority, still more when you superadd the tendency or the certainty of corruption by authority. There is no worse heresy than that the office sanctifies the holder of it.

I don’t mean to be cynical. I mean to be realistic. Find solace in predictive capacity. Thinking ahead is why we don’t need to stick a scorpion in our jockey shorts to know it’s a bad idea. Some folks haven’t yet figured out that the aggregation of power creates it’s own evil. Why this isn’t obvious is something of a mystery to me. I suppose some folks really need a scorpion in the shorts to learn? For a few of the naïve but teachable the last few weeks was their personal a scorpion moment. If you’re recently disillusioned, welcome to the world of reality. There’s nothing wrong with being a slow learner so long as one learns.

At any rate I figured the trifectca of suck was enough to suit my corruption niche article. The Bengazi situation (which was not caused by a YouTube video), the “IRS scandal”, and the tapping of AP press phones were all as corrupt as they were crude and pointless. They were the actions of small people given big power.

The fact that things tanked further; collecting information on every Verizon cell phone and dutifully monitoring Grandma’s facebook update on the grandchildren…  That’s what happens when you give up even the pretense of discretion.  When this is all over and done Nixon’s tapes are going to look practically benign.  After all, Nixon never tapped my phone but Obama’s folks did.  Bad news is coming down a bit faster and uglier than I’d have liked but such is the nature of corruption.

Posted in Things That Must Be Said, Word For The Day | 1 Comment

Word For The Day: Corruption Niche

Posted on June 11, 2013 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Background: In terms of ecology, a “niche” is a specific combination of factors which create the environment which an organism inhabits.  At larger scales it’s the situation which a species inhabits.  Nature is damned efficient so if there’s a food source, light, water, nutrients, whatever a critter might need there’s invariably a critter trying to exploit it.  That’s what makes ecology fun.

The recent spate of “shocking”, “unexpected”, “unprecedented” scandals emanating from D.C. led me to coin the following term:

Corruption Niche – (noun) An administrative or organizational situation that forms an ideal opportunity for corruption. Niches fall anywhere from situations that support mildly unethical behavior to those that  force criminal malfeasance. If a corruption niche is particularly egregious, the question is not “if” it’ll produce misbehavior, but “when”.

The Nation is currently atwitter about IRS agents interfering with the tax exempt status of political organizations. Unless you live under a rock (and in my case, even if you do) you know that Right Wing or TEA Party organizations were refused or delayed while Left Wing organizations weren’t. Predictably, Right Wingers are incensed. Happily even some Left Wingers are disconsolate. They understand the shoe will someday be on the other foot. Good for them.

I, on the other hand, have an entirely different reaction. Of course this would happen. Folks have been complaining about it since the TEA Party evolved. I presumed their complaints to have substance simply because it made sense. I particularly note that our quadrennial election cycle coincides with an outbreak of “the ends justify the means” thinking. Who among us didn’t assume the IRS was behaving badly? Why? It is no longer 1950 and irrational naiveté is out of style, so I ask again, “why should we collectively assume the IRS was manned by uniquely saintly folk who are immune to deviousness”?

The fact that the IRS “blesses” certain organizations as tax exempt is a self fulfilling encouragement to corruption. The situation might have been created with good intentions (which I don’t assume for a minute) but in practice it’s a ripe environment for bad behavior. It’s therefore unsurprising that corruption has come home to roost. In fact it’s more or less a certainty.

Who among us thinks it’s wise to force portions of the government into decisions that are both subjective and directly impact the government’s well being? Furthermore, we’ve come to accept that it’s normal and logical that a group must come on hands and knees begging for government “approval”? Really?  Why!?!  It’s weak. It’s demeaning. It’s a fuse in search of a match.

In this instance, the “non profit” organizations in question are actively agitating for smaller government. This is an opinion almost tautologically certain to anger many IRS employees. Presumably those who are employed within the government generally tend to think well of it. Who would expect them to roll out the red carpet for advocates of it’s reduction? You wouldn’t expect TEA Party enthusiasts within the IRS any more than you’d expect arcophobics (fear of heights) in a skydiving club.

Surely it’s reasonable to presume that the government, when it’s put in the unenviable situation of selecting which political entities shall receive its “blessing”, might show the exact bias we’ve discovered. It is, after all, staffed by humans. (Though some might disagree.) Surely many many IRS folks did their best to play fair. The game was simply rigged to tempt them. As surely as night follows day, some folks failed the test. How high up the food chain such failure goes is anyone’s guess and I’m certain we’ll have to pull teeth to find out. Regardless, being shocked at the discovery is foolish.

My point is that it’s unwise to create situations where organizations must behave according to exceptionally moral natures. We are not angels. Nobody is. We all have vested interest and personal proclivities. That’s why concentrated organizational power is dangerous.

It’s self defeating to build the trap and add the cheese just so you can be shocked when a mouse gets snapped. I won’t play that game.  None of us should!

Of course, doing stupid things is nothing new. What’s new is the degree of concentration on power. Whether by design or accident, we’ve year by year funneled more power (or money) through our Government. It’s been going on for most of the last century. For no particular reason, we assume fallible humans will receive that awesome power and miraculously leave it unused. Who thinks like that? It’s better to avoid the situation in the first place.

All of this brings me to a Curmudgeonly Gem of Insight:

“No concentration of power can remain unsullied by corruption forever. Where the opportunity to behave unethically exists, someone will eventually behave unethically. This applies to any organization; from the IRS, to the Church, to the Kremlin, to a PTA meeting.”

As for the IRS; the solution to the current kerfluffle is simple. Those who behaved particularly unethically should be fired. Those who actually broke the law should be prosecuted. (Duh! That’s why we make laws.) Then the problem should be fixed. Situations where the IRS gets to pick and choose winners and losers should be eliminated or mitigated.

I predict that almost none of this to happen. The extent to which my prediction comes true is how we’ll know the extent of corruption niches festering in our world.

Posted in Curmudgeonly Gems of Insight, Word For The Day | 3 Comments

The Possibility Of Ridiculous Outcomes: Part III

Posted on June 10, 2013 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

In The Possibility Of Ridiculous Outcomes I noted that overreaction by Boston police, putting an entire city under “lockdown“, had gone too far.  Americans are not subject to being “locked down” by anyone!  Prisoners can be locked down, children can be locked down, Chinese peasants can still be locked down, Soviets formerly under Stalin could be locked down, just about anyone oppressed can be locked down.  But Americans are still free and theoretically you need to arrest them one at a time and not merely bark orders from a megaphone.

I originally understood “lockdown” as something only applied to prisoners; this lasted until the militarization of police started getting a decent head of steam.  For example:

“On April 20th 1999 two murderous raging assholes went on a rampage.  [The Columbine shootings in Colorado] … During the tragedy, which was entirely constrained within a single building, the school was placed in ‘lockdown’.  That day was the first time I’d heard the phrase ‘lockdown’ applied outside of a prison.  Maybe I’m sheltered.  Maybe I was naive.  Regardless, I heard the word ‘lockdown’ and my frame of reference was a prison.”

I wasn’t alone.  Liberty’s Torch had the same reaction; “lockdown = prisoner”.

“During the first days after the bombings, the city of Boston was in ‘lockdown.’ This term, usually associated with the confinement of imprisoned felons to their cells, caused no small stir among the more observant commentators on the Web.”

Liberty’s Torch, quoting Popehat, pointed out something I’d missed.  During the lockdown the cops asked everyone except Dunkin’ Donuts to shut down.  To me this was the funniest thing I’d ever heard; akin to the Simpson’s or South Park satirizing police.  It was so much of a punchline that I couldn’t stop chuckling for days. If you were watching Big Bang Theory (to randomly pick a work of fiction) and they said “lockdown everyone in the city except for Dunkin’ Donuts”; the exception would be a punchline.  In fact it would be a pretty funny one.

Popehat noticed something deeper:

“The government and police were willing to shut down parts of the economy like the universities, software, biotech, and manufacturing…but when asked to do an actual risk to reward calculation where a small part of the costs landed on their own shoulders, they had no problem weighing one versus the other and then telling the donut servers ‘yeah, come to work – no one’s going to get shot.'”

Talk about a blinding flash of obvious!  Law enforcement, unleashed and slightly unhinged was willing to do darned near anything; but only to other people.  They went for it!  They had military equipment in the streets, they shut down subways, they did door to door searches, you name it and they demanded it.  Yet even as they were harassing a couple million citizens they couldn’t stomach the cruel reality of securing their own donuts.

Time for a Curmudgeonly Gem of Insight:

“There are people on this earth who are willing to (and have) disrupted the lives of  everyone in a large city.  They have done this to free, adult, American, citizens.  They did this despite the fact that they weren’t personally tough enough to endure a donut shortage.  These people have badges.”

What do you say to people that think like that?  They looked us in the face and said (without breaking into gales of laughter) “everyone in the entire city is in dire danger except the people that are making our snacks”.  Chalk up another “special day” for history.  April 15th, 2013 was the day that people outfitted like mall ninja SWAT teams and carrying real legal badges couldn’t make their own coffee.

Posted in Curmudgeonly Gems of Insight, Libertarian Outpost | 1 Comment

News That You Haven’t Heard

Posted on June 7, 2013 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

I recently mentioned “undernews”; news that floats around the Internet but never gets past the mainstream media.  I’m not alone in assuming that most undernews stays undernews because it doesn’t fit the media’s ample, endless, overwhelming, predictable, defeatist,  and incontrovertible bias.  Lucky for us, journalists are driving themselves out of business.

I’m still annoyed that the media desperately hoped that Boston was bombed by a Tea Party nutter.  They where shocked shocked once the truth came out that the perpetrators were exactly what the rest of us expected.  The reality was terrorists from central casting but they were rooting for Bubba and his deer rifle to be secret monsters.  Who thinks like that?  The spin… it gets too much.

Well screw them and their bullshit!  As long as I’m cursing the darkness I might as well light a candle.  I’ve decided to go out of my way to mention positive stuff that the media buries.  Here’s something I’ll bet you didn’t know:

“2013 will have the lowest murder rate in a century”

Didn’t see that coming did ya?  Turn on the TV and you’ll find talking heads either encouraging the decay of society or moaning that society is crumbling.  Frankly we’re not necessarily always going to hell in a handbasket.  If trends hold (and things could change) we’re looking at the lowest rate of murder since buggy whips were a real industry.

Think about it.  The last time things were this good a family vehicle could be purchased for $550 and tanked up for eight cents a gallon.  2013 is likely to have a murder rate so low it predates the invention of chocolate chip cookies, Chia pets, Alaskan statehood, television, NFL football, Superman, McDonalds, and Shirley Temple (who is still alive by the way).  Isn’t that great news?  Of course it is!  Be happy and don’t forget that the talking heads on TV whine that life sucks because they are paid to look concerned and act depressed.  We don’t have to follow their lead.

A.C.

Hat tip to The Miller.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Word For The Day: Undernews

Posted on June 5, 2013 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Undernews – (Noun) News that is widely available on the Internet (particularly blogs) but doesn’t get much (or any) attention in the Mainstream Media.

I didn’t coin the term.  It’s been kicking around for years.  What can I say; I don’t always keep up with the vocabulary of the cool kids.  Can ya’ dig it?

At any rate it’s a concept I use all the time.  I’ll bump into some tidbit on the intertubes and make a few checks to make sure I’m not falling for the next joke to be posted on Snopes.  Eventually I’ll bring the topic up in a conversation with a normal human being (as opposed to a newshound or blogger).  In general, folks will react as if I’ve got antennae coming out of my head (I’m used to it).  Other times they’ll say “oh yeah I heard that on the Daily Show” and I’ll know the “undernews” has made it to the “mainstream”.

Here are a few bits of “undernews”.  A few became too big to ignore, others are still in the “ignore it and it’ll go away” phase.  Consider:

That’s just a sample.  I think it’s a good way to calibrate the difference between “reality” and whatever the heck everyone is hearing from the talking heads on TV.  The gap between what is true and what people believe obviously ebbs and flows.  In particularly the proximity to a major or mid term election seems to widen it.  You won’t be surprised that the letter after the sitting president’s name (“D” or “R”) makes up a huge portion of the gap.  (One of the unexpected advantages of a Republican president is that “journalists” take off their cheerleader’s outfits and start mercilessly hammering the guy in the big chair.  I’ll take rabid hacks to fluffers anyday!)

Rather than flail around wishing for mainstream news which reports… um… true things.  I choose to be thankful that I’m no longer under their thumb.  We have the Internet; lucky us!  In 2013 a citizen’s degree of misinformation is partially self inflicted; in 1965 you had to hope Walter Cronkite wasn’t totally full of shit.  (Also, 2013 is when I enjoy the schadenfreude of watching newspapers that used have a stranglehold on my news lose money like it’s an Olympic sport.)

A.C.

P.S. Hat tip to a recent National Review article: A Delayed Public Reaction to Obama Scandals? Or No Reaction at All? and a 2008 Huffington Post article: Why Won’t The Media Cover Edwards? Because They Don’t Have To Yet.  (Backstory: For those of you that don’t recall, John Edwards was a long time senator well into his 2008 candidacy for president when the story gradually and reluctantly broke that he’d had an affair, fathered an illegitimate child, and allegedly used campaign funds to pay off his mistress.  The undernews had been around forever but it took, ironically, the National Enquirer, to finally print what everyone had been pondering.  After that the rest of the press had no choice to by follow up.  His wife, in late stages of cancer, legally separated from Edwards but died in 2010 before she could jump through the hoops to officially file for divorce. By 2011 Edwards was indicted on six counts of violating campaign finance laws.  The 2012 result was five mis-trials and one not guilty.)

Posted in Word For The Day | 1 Comment

Another Cool Idea That Won’t Happen In “Free America”

Posted on June 3, 2013 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Every now and then there is a brilliant idea or product that’s actually creative (as opposed to the usual “glue tailfins on the last model” incremental creep of mediocrity).  Some newfangled consumer goods really do transform the “way things are done”.  Examples that made it to everyday use:

  • Microwave ovens: “Welcome to the Jetson future where a common way to cook food is to jam frozen stuff in a box and blast it with space rays.”
  • Automatic transmissions: “No matter how unaware you happen to be, just point the lever at D and steer between the lines, the car will take care of the rest and never stall.”
  • Cell phones: “I shall pay many dollars per month to make sure I am never peacefully beyond the reach of a telemarketer.  Bonus: it allows law enforcement to track me and the government gives them free to people who (unlike me) are on the “get free shit” list.”

Other ideas run aground on established interests and bureaucracies.  They’re killed in their crib and never make it to prime time.  Here are a few examples near and dear to my heart:

  • Adaptive eyewear: (I’ve previously discussed “Crusader Product Inhibition” and how it was the Deathblow to Adaptive Eyewear.)  Adaptive eyewear are cheap simple glasses that can be easily adjusted (when needed and with no special training) to any person who needs them.  Stuff one in your backpack and you’ve got replacement glasses for anyone in your party.  Stuff one in your truck and you’ve got a backup for anyone who needs them.  Toss a set in the medicine cabinet and you’ve got a handy backup for the whole family.  Opposition: Cheap glasses!?!  Where’s the profit in that?  It’s better to force every American to buy personalized glasses at great expense and no small hassle every few years.  Also an optometrist has to tweak the prescription every time; as if spectacles are heart surgery. Result: Adaptive eyewear glasses are sold cheaply by the case to NGOs.  NGOs will only distribute them to peasants in the third world.  I, a rich, fat, indulged, American with money to burn can’t have what might be dropped by the crate on a village of mud huts in Africa.  Apparently I’m not worthy?  Ironically, I can charitably buy a crate for shipment to any one of several places of misery.  Yet I cannot have one for myself.
  • The Mahindra Truck:  A cheap, stout, 4×4, fuel efficient, diesel, workhorse of a little truck.  It takes a beating and works like a dog world wide.  Opposition: A cheap truck in America?  Where’s the profit in that?  A fuel efficient diesel in the nation that is host to California?  California is so schizophrenic about diesels that it’s easier to buy a behemoth than half the fuel efficient cars on Germany’s autobahn.  Money Quote from Car and Driver’s “Mahindra Pickup Failure Shows Difficulty of Launching New Brands in the U.S.“: “You think today’s politicians are petulant? In the 1960s, we got into a trade war with European countries because of an import tax charged on American chicken. In retaliation, we established the “chicken tax,” which survives to this day. Light trucks are smacked with a whopping 25-percent tariff.”  Result: I own a four ton truck that burns twice the fuel of a Mahindra, can tow an aircraft carrier, and makes Gaia weep while it shits the equivalent of a Fiat out of it’s tailpipe every time I start it.  California got what it wanted; good and hard!  Note: The same forces bludgeoned the cheap and fuel efficient Smart Car to death.

Now comes another transformative idea that is/was/and will always be unavailable to the theoretically free people of America.  The flat pack truck.  Americans can build kit tractors, “experimental” airplanes, and all the guns they can machine (or recently, print) but a flat pack truck funnels no money to middlemen so none will ever grace our roads.

It’s a shame because there’s no truck so ugly that I don’t want one.  Also I’m in love with the idea of building a kit.  Why should such things be limited to children’s toys and shitty Ikea furniture?  I’d love a kit for a Honda Fit but I could never match the quality of the OEM.  Maybe I could slap together a Ural Patrol with the quality that made Russia great?  Some things just sound like fun aside from their fiscal logic and a truck in pieces (provided it’s reasonably well thought out) sounds cool.

Hat tip to In the Middle of the Right.

Posted in Technology of Indignity | 6 Comments

Chiropractors

Posted on May 29, 2013 by AdaptiveCurmudgeon

Recent shenanigans with my tractor have hammered my back to death.  That got me thinking of chiropractors.  I’m of the opinion that some chiropractors are voodoo quacks and others miracle workers (provided your injury falls within their bailiwick).  The quacks annoy me but I’ll throw cash at the good ones if it can hasten recovery from whatever dumbass thing I’ve done.  Further, I’m of the opinion that yoga is an entirely logical physical fitness trend; of which I want no part.

I once had a chiropractor who was great.  Conversations went like this:

Me: “Hi doc.”

Good Chiropractor (Sighing): “Hello Curmudgeon.  So what’s the problem this time?”

Me: “Well I took a tumble on a talus slope last week…”

Good Chiropractor: “…And you show up now?”

Me: “It doesn’t hurt too bad, so I just sorta’ ignored it.  But now I cramp up when I’m riding my motorcycle.”

Good Chiropractor: “So stay off it a few days.”

Me: “Well I’ve got a big trip coming up and I don’t want to crap out mid-ride.”

Good Chiropractor: “Alright,  Hang tight while I do something terribly unnatural to your hip.”  Snap. Crackle? Pop!

Me: “Hey that’s awesome.  Well done.”

Good Chiropractor: “That’s going to hurt a bit tomorrow but the next day you should be ready for a full day’s ride.”

Me: “Um…”

Good Chiropractor looks out the window.  “Is that your motorcycle parked out front?”

Me (sheepishly): “Yeah.”

Good Chiropractor: “It appears packed for a trip.”

Me: “I’m leaving from here.”

Good Chiropractor: “Have I explained the theory of preventative medicine…”

Me: “Yep, you told me all about it after the sky diving incident.”

Good Chiropractor: “There are easier ways to get a t-shirt.”

Me: “My wife might have mentioned something similar.”

Good Chiropractor (sighing): “You’re going to ride all day? You might feel some discomfort.”

Me: “I’ll be on the road for two weeks.  Lets hope it’s only discomfort.  I can live with a little pain. You want a postcard from Virginia?”

Good Chiropractor: “Shall I book you for when you return.  After the bike has pulverized your spine?”

Me: “Of course.”

<Two weeks later>

Me: “Hi doc.”

Good Chiropractor: “My God you’re here?  Look at the weather!  I was going to close the office.”

Me: “It’s definitely nasty out there.  I think there’s a tornado watch.”

Good Chiropractor: “You’re soaked!”

Me: “No shit.  I just rode in.  Crossed the state line at dawn.  You should have seen the wrecked semi on the pass.”

Good Chiropractor: “I suppose your back is sore from the ride?”

Me: “Not much at all.  I think you did wonders.”

Good Chiropractor (beaming): “Well thank you…”

Me: “On the other hand my ankle…”

Good Chiropractor (sighing): “What did you do?”

Me: “There was a mechanical bull.  It’s harder than it looks.”

Good Chiropractor (sighing): “When I speak about preventative medicine I’m suggesting that sometimes you should refrain from…”

Me: “Check out the t-shirt I got!”

Good Chiropractor: “I give up.”

Me: “Don’t do that!”

Good Chiropractor: “Why?”

Me: “Elk hunting season is just around the corner…”

He was great.  I think he’d spent too much time dealing with whining desk jockeys and was a bit frustrated with um… “adventurous”… patients, but he was darned good.  Who says I don’t appreciate modern medicine?

Compare that to a lame chiropractor I once hired:

Lame Chiropractor: “Isn’t the music nice?  I have brie in the lobby.”

Me: “I got a huge deal on milsurp ammo.  Had a blast over the weekend but I think I should have called it quits after 200 rounds.  My shoulder is mush.”

Lame Chiropractor: “I’ll adjust your chi.  Why is your shoulder covered in bruises?”

Me: “Mosin Nagant, recoil, you know the story.”

Lame Chiropractor: “Is that a sports car?  I drive a Camry.”

Me: “While you’re at it my right leg is a bit tweaked.”

Lame Chiropractor: “Ha ha… From golfing I’ll bet.  I see that a lot.  Seriously, what’s a Mosin.”

Me: “The leg is from logging.  Scored some free trees after the blowdown!”

Lame Chiropractor: “Chainsaws are dangerous.  Let me light some candles.”

Me: “Candles?”

Lame Chiropractor: “Aromatherapy.”

Me: “Unless you’ve got the gentle smells of cordite and diesel, spare me.”

Lame Chiropractor: “Perhaps you should try Yoga.”

Me: “Yoga!  Can you refer me to another chiropractor?”

Lame Chiropractor: “I knew the pine candle wouldn’t suit you.  I’m so sorry.”

<After referral>

Me: “Hi doc.”

Sports Medicine Guy: “What’s the problem?”

Me: “I overworked a bit and my wrist is killing me.”

Sports Medicine Guy: “You’re walking ok.  How old are you?  The way you walk tells me you don’t play hockey.”

Me: “I don’t play hockey.”

Sports Medicine Guy: “Pussy!”

Me: “I’m here from chainsaw injury?  Isn’t that enough?”

Sports Medicine Guy: “That ‘aint an injury.  You got got tired.  Keep the saw time down to six hours a day.  You’re too old for twelve.  Got it genius?”

Me: “Ok.  Should I wear a wrist brace or something?”

Sports Medicine Guy checks out wrist. “Nah.  You’re fine.  Walk it off.”

Me: “Do you recommend Yoga?”

Sports Medicine Guy: “Yoga?!?  Are you shitting me!  If you want to wear a leotard that’s your business but don’t involve me.”

Me: “Should I stretch before exercise?”

Sports Medicine Guy: “Of course, but I know your type and you won’t.”

Me: “I’ll be back.”

Sports Medicine Guy: “Of course you will.  Suck it up and you’ll be fine in a week.”

Me: “Bye.”

Sports Medicine Guy: “Keep yer’ stick on the ice.”

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