Adaptive Curmudgeon

As part of my review of the SpotX, a few people asked about the SpotX privacy policy. Put on your tinfoil hats folks because here’s my Curmudgeonly opinion. We’re all screwed. Accept that you’re screwed. Embrace the suck and plan accordingly.

As far as I can tell, there isn’t a SpotX privacy policy. If there was one I wouldn’t believe it. Would you? Why? I’ve seen nothing but privacy invading bullshit since cell phones achieved market saturation. To trust a”policy” about this particular topic you’d have to be an imbecile. I dimly hope the NSA simply ignores SARs because it’s a tiny market but that’s hope and not evidence. I don’t live according to hope; reality is more my style. Thus, we’re screwed.

Saying “we’re screwed” is pretty bold eh? But I’m not going off half cocked. I have proof. There’s solid publicly available evidence that a legitimate billionaire presidential candidate couldn’t assure privacy in his own fucking building. Regardless of whether you voted for the guy or he makes you froth at the mouth, the fact of spying on Trump is a known thing. If Trump wasn’t able to fend off investigatory overreach, you won’t. You haven’t got a chance.

If this is new to you, sit down and take a few minutes to process. Also the sky is blue, politicians lie, and the Easter bunny doesn’t hide eggs in your living room.

Let’s not overreact. Despite what both parties claim, nobody in North America is loading cattle cars bound for concentration camps in 2019. (If you’re worried about that level shit right now… turn off the TV and keep it off because you’re freebasing too much politics.)

Back in the real world, considered privacy risk is tolerable if the benefits outweigh the costs. I like my SpotX and accept limited privacy risks because it may summon help when my life is in danger. If a wolverine bites my face off, esoteric theories won’t mean shit. Getting a helicopter to my location will be my only concern!

Also a SpotX is unquestionably more private than a smartphone.

Smartphones are snitch machines. Whether it’s the device, its software, its OS, the cell tower it communicates with, the cell network, an ISP, a barrage of cookies, or shit I don’t even know… there’s too many links in the smartphone chain to assume you’re safe. It’s a toss up as to who’s doing the spying. Choose your preferred concern: the NSA, the FBI, Snapchat, China, Microsoft, Verizon, Google, the Pope, or Space Illuminati. All that’s certain is that a smartphone generates a constant stream of data and data attracts snoops. Whenever data accumulates; someone’s hoovering it up. Also, read up on Hoover to see how well the US government treated the privacy of citizens in the stone age when phones were bolted to the wall. (See what I did there?)

A SpotX generates vastly less intrusive data. This is because it can’t do much. That’s why I keep saying “it’s not a smartphone”. This is good!

Barring extremely unlikely hardware intrusion, it doesn’t have a microphone. Lacking a microphone, it’s not listening to you. Ask Siri to explain this.

It’s not a camera. That means it’s not taking your picture. Nor is it running facial recognition on your cloud based folder full of images which it also can’t access.

It can’t browse the internet so Zuckerberg can’t use it to crawl up your ass. It won’t help Google isolate your search strings and it doesn’t have a GUI that can push that thing Google insists you want.

(A SpotX apparently can post to but not receive from social media. If use it to post to social media you obviously don’t care about privacy.)

The most compromised a SpotX can be is to gather location information and 140 character text that you deliberately typed into the damn thing. That’s it! Compared to the hive mind of a Millennial’s smartphone it’s practically a brick wall. (I suppose it can compromise messages that come to you from white-listed senders but they already sent those messages from much more easily compromised devices.)

It’s easy to turn a SpotX off. I think (though I don’t know) off is really off. If you’re worried, stuff it in a Faraday bag. That’s the great thing about technology, it’s complex but not magic. Crammed in a Faraday bag and tossed in your pack; a SpotX is inert. Leave it that way 100% of the time if you want. Why not? If the shit hits the fan you can always open the Faraday bag, turn it on, and call for help. See? Going private wasn’t hard at all.

[Note: I prefer Faraday bags from Faraday Defense. That’s my personal preference. Other brands are good and tinfoil really does work too. Yes I’ve tested both tinfoil and Faraday Defense products.

At the risk of TMI, I use Faraday bags even though my life is boring. It’s good practice to learn tools even when you don’t really need ’em. Plus it’s fun to fiddle with radio waves.

Faraday Defense’s tinfoil-ish ziplock type bags are dirt cheap and super reliable. Their other stuff is good too, but the ziplock bags are the cheapest option. Buy a multipack of and you’ll pay $3-$6 a pop; it won’t bankrupt you. A bag sized for a SpotX weighs basically nothing. Even if you’re into ultralight backpacking, a bag is no big deal. The bags I’ve used seem to take a beating. As a bonus, they’ve kept the water off my cell phone in wet conditions. Win! (That’s not their design spec so YMMV.) Obviously, flexible bags aren’t protection against crushing. (One last note, if you’re among muggles and want to keep a low profile, the Faraday Defense wallets and cell phone cases won’t look unusual and pique unwanted interest like the silvery bags do.]

Personally, now that I’ve got (and tested) a SpotX this is my plan:

Whenever I go into the woods my cell phone will be off, stuffed in a Faraday bag, and abandoned in my truck’s glove box. My truck keys got in a ziplock that invariably winds up at the bottom of my pack. The SpotX (after I finish the testing phase) will be off 90% of the time, live at the top of but under the cover of my pack. It’ll be used to “check in” at strategic points like trailheads, my first night at a camp location, and Yeti attacks. After these comments, adding a $5 Faraday bag for total blockage of all signals might happen too. I like the waterproofing and dustproofing effect of the bags anyway.

That said wandering around the outdoors without electronics is OK too. It’s what everyone did for a million years right up to a decade ago (and I did up to a month ago). If you want to melt into the background just do it. Just take care to not do stupid shit and stupid shit (probably) won’t happen.

The outdoors is great for privacy; once you’re out of the greatest tracking device of all (your car), you can do your thing in peace. Ideally, pick remote spots. (To be in solitude is why you’re camping anyway.) If you hang out in prime real estate it’s less private. Duh! Stand at Old Faithful and you might get geotagged by fifty tourists. Then again you’re the dumbass standing in front of a planet-wide recognizable landmark and paying the Park Service to be there.

None of this will help if you’re unreasonably paranoid. Every night you can count satellite flyovers and you’re certainly noted along with the other things that are mapped. This is nothing new. If Gary Powers was flying a U2 over a Russian campsite in 1959 privacy violation was a done deal then too. Such is unlikely to matter, if you’re an unremarkable gray man catching trout and minding his own business the world is not interested in you. Be dull and be happy. You’ll have as much privacy as anyone does and more than most.

Good luck y’all. Have fun and make your own choices. At least we have a theme song:

[This review got long winded; this isn’t the last post. I was pissed at the incomplete information I had while shopping and inadvertently wrote a treatise to counteract what I perceive as a hole in the universe.]

Maybe I’m going overboard on the SpotX but I waited years for technology to create the thing I wanted. I’m glad it finally happened. (Link goes to Amazon, you know the rest.)

I tested the shit of my SpotX and am trying to answer any conceivable real world question:

Is SpotX messaging instant?

Yes and no. The information is transmitted as a packet. You type the message and then the device sends it (up to) 140 characters. It doesn’t send each letter one at a time like a voice telephone. Also, once you’ve typed your message you can tell it to send right now.

Sometimes the message goes through essentially instantly. However, I usually experienced a lag time of 90 seconds to maybe 6 minutes from when I sent it to when a cell phone (either in my pocket or thousands of miles away) received the message. Again, this freaks out cell phone snowflakes and caused some bad reviews. I can’t see why a 6-minute pause to reach from anywhere to anyone is a problem on a SAR beacon.

Why the lag time?

You can set SpotX to check with the satellites every X minutes. It does sending up and receiving down based on the cycles. If you have it checking every few minutes you run down the batteries. If you set it in cycles of an hour it’s fine for any practical purpose but it’ll freak out Millennials. It’s like the lag time reminds them it’s not a cell phone and the “different-ness” causes them angst? I got used to it after a few days and never thought of it again

Of course, you can always hit the button that says “send now” but you’ve got to remember to do it.

I think lag times caused some people to freak out in the reviews but it’s irrelevant for its intended use. If a 3-minute lag in communication wigs you out, you don’t need a communicator so much as you need a therapist. (Ever watch Millennials in an area with no cell reception? Even when they know there’s no reception, they’ll instinctively check their smartphone every 90 seconds to 5 minutes. Like smokers reaching for the next puff. If you get the chance you should watch them from afar and see what I mean. Smart phones have inflicted very strong conditioning on our fellow citizens.)

With whom can you communicate?

Once the signal hits a satellite it’s routed to any e-mail address or phone (text enabled phone only, my old landline ‘aint gonna’ cut it). You can specify multiple recipients to the same message (which is handy).

You can pre-program contacts (which is wise) or groups of contacts (which would be great for a group camping together). You can also add a contact on the fly. Suppose, you just met a guy at the trailhead who’s wrapping up his day while you’re still heading out. He’s going to check the liquor store closing time back in town and that’s mission critical information. Add him to your SpotX right then.

To the recipient, the text looks like it came from a regular cell phone. Depending on your whitelist settings, they may respond with a text and you’ll get it. They may never know you’re communicating via satellite.

Can a SpotX communicate with a SpotX?

Yes but I haven’t tested it. Buy me a second SpotX and I’ll verify.

What can people communicate to you?

The SpotX will happily receive all the texts sent your way. If someone sends a text to your SpotX’s number, the SpotX will receive it (anywhere on earth). This is a big honkin deal! The older generation SPOT and many EPRIB and SAR transponders couldn’t receive anything.

It won’t receive media, voice calls, dick picks, or Pokemon gameplay. You get 140 characters per message; no more. You can specify (whitelist) who is allowed to send to you or allow the whole universe to send to you. I have under half a dozen people who can text me and that’s an excellent feature. I don’t want spam ruining my nature buzz! (Warning, I don’t think you can adjust the whitelist from the device… only from a computer.)

I shouldn’t have to say this but it’s 2019 so I must: if you turn your SpotX off it won’t receive the message… because it’s a communicator, not magic.

Can it receive a lot of messages?

Sure, but if they come fast and furious it’ll take a while. If someone sends you a barrage of e-mails in short succession it can “pile up”. Same goes if the SpotX is off for several hours. Messages pile up somewhere in the network where they’re buffered until they get delivered. Texts come through one at a time when you turn your SpotX on. Sometimes there’s a lag as it picks up one message per query of the satellite network (which happens every X minutes as specified). If you’re in dire straits or just needy you can hit “check messages now” over and over again to get all the news. None of this is bad performance, it’s just the way it works. Repeat after me, it’s not a cell phone.

If you leave a SpotX off for a long time it may tell the original sender “the message didn’t get through”. I think three days is the threshold.

Is it a cell phone?

It’s not a fucking cell phone. If you want a cell phone get a cell phone.

There were a lot of reviews where I think people that bought a SpotX were triggered because it’s not a cell phone. They’re trained to expect a cell phone like experience. It’s not the device’s fault that they had pre-conceived notions (stupid ones I might add).

I bought a two way satellite communicator. I’ve been testing it. Photo below. This 1/2 of the Q&A that covers it and my testing.

I only took one photo of the SpotX, which is not a cell phone. (Click the link and I get a kickback if you buy things, no extra cost to you.)

I tested the shit of my SpotX and am distilling it down to its essence.

Is it hard to carry?

It’s roughly the size of a hockey puck and maybe half the mass of one. A lot of reviews bitch that it’s too big. That’s silly. If you’re a super competitive, every gram matters, bicycle racer I get it. That’s a special case. For normal human beings, fretting that the encumbrance of a hockey puck will bring you to your knees is bullshit. Those dudes need to forget about camping and hit the gym.

Another note. There are smaller devices. I get the lust for miniaturization. However, I like a bit of heft to things that are mission critical. It’s orange, clips on with a carabiner, and it’s less likely to get lost in the bottom of my pack. Smaller might sound cool but be a defect.

How is the reception?

Astounding! I’ve tried it in all sorts of situations and it will send out a message every damn time! I’m really pleased. Sometimes there’s a bit of a lag (more on that later) but it’s very good at its main purpose. It will get the message out!

Wherever it can send it can receive; which is everywhere. There may be a lag or you could turn off the device (which I do) but otherwise you’ll get the message.

Keep in mind this is a device for use outdoors. If you’re bitching about SpotX reception it’s because you’re on the eighth floor of an office building and you don’t know what “not a cell phone” means. Put down the Mountain Dew, lever your ass out of the office chair, and stand outdoors. If your feet are on grass, the SpotX will send and receive.

I’ve tried it in various weather and the atmosphere seems to have no ill effect at all. I’m pretty sure you can send from the bottom of a canyon (possibly with a little bit of a lag).

It sometimes takes several minutes to “wake up”. There’s a few minutes lag time before it finds the signal. I can’t imagine this mattering for its intended purpose.

“Everywhere” is generalizing based on practicality. Somewhere on the internet a buzzkill is whimpering “the signal is sparse in part of the Indian Ocean” or “it’s no good in Antarctica”. Fuck that guy. In any real-world use for an outdoor SAR device it’s excellent.

It’s satellite and not cell. A lifetime of 3G cell (or is it 4G?) gives people weird expectations. It’s not great in a house and only so-so in a moving Dodge. Then again, it’s a goddamned emergency satellite communicator, if you’re in a building what kind of outdoor emergency can you possibly have? An emergency cheese pizza delivery order?

What messages does it send?

The SpotX sends a signal from your location (anywhere on earth) to a constellation of satellites. The signal you send is any text you want (140 characters).

Sending any text you want is a big honkin deal! The older generation SPOT and most EPRIBs couldn’t do that. They could send a hail Mary signal that your ass was on the line: “EMERGENCY AT LOCATION X” but no additional information. Was it a code blue heart attack or a less urgent broken leg? Rattlesnake bite directly to the gonads in the middle of Death Valley or a sunk kayak near a sheltered sandy beach? Sucking chest wound or dead truck? Context matters!

Does it give people your position?

Yes. It’s dirt simple to accompany your text with position information. Or you can hit a button that says “check in” that automatically sends the information (and doesn’t count against your pre-paid texts).

The position information is easy to use and damn accurate. (I’ve tested it.)

What about tracking?

Tracking sounds neat but is pointless in real life. “Tracking” sends your location every X minutes (you specify the interval) to a web portal. I suppose people can sit at a computer/smartphone and watch the dot on the screen that is you move about. Sounds like science fiction!

In practice, you’re not that interesting. Nobody cares where I am every 15 minutes. I don’t even care where I am every 15 minutes. Now I hit “check in” at trail junctures or changes in mode of transport (stopped driving truck and now sailing). Tracking was a cool sounding feature that I don’t use.

Does it post to social media?

Yes but… Gross! I will speak no more of this abominable concept.

Pre-designated messages:

Some of older devices (like the SPOT) could communicate a pre-designated non-emergency code. You’d plan ahead with likely messages and then send one of a small selection. Something like “I AM AT THE TRAILHEAD, BRING THE TRUCK TO GET ME”. Probably the signal was a single digit like 7. Then the database matched 7 to “I AM AT THE TRAILHEAD, BRING THE TRUCK TO GET ME”.

It’s better than nothing but very limiting. What if a unique situation came up? “I’m at the trailhead but just met a hot girl who wants to have sex, don’t show up until tomorrow”. (I jest!) What about “the fish are biting, I’m staying an extra day” or “when you meet me at the trailhead bring a bottle of Tums, I’ve got gas that would kill a gorilla”. Pre-designated messages are inflexible. The SpotX has 20 pre-designated messages and they work flawlessly but sending a real text is simply more informative.

Is a satellite phone:

No. It doesn’t do audio; no voice communication at all. It doesn’t send pictures or anything else.

I bought a two way satellite communicator. I’ve been testing it. Photo below. This post just had to come out because I worry that folks confuse gadgets with solutions.

 It’s not a cell phone. A lot of reviewers bitched that the not-cell phone didn’t act like a cell phone and that sucks because it’s not a damn cell phone. (Click the link and buy stuff and I get a kickback.)

When it comes to the outdoors, I know what I’m doing. (I don’t mean to brag. Lots of people know how to handle themselves. I’m merely one of them.) Each person is different. Experience and personality guide us. Folks tend to pick a preferred “style” to our adventures and refine from there. My activities are limited mostly to things I can do solo, in North America, while holding down a day job, and on the budget of a normal human being. (When I talk about the outdoors, eliminate from your mind any activity that requires airfare to Africa, spandex, or sponsorship by Red Bull.)

Anyone who’s gone “exploring” either has a backup strategy or they’ll get their ass handed to them by fate. My proven strategy for dealing with wilderness emergencies starts with the basics; don’t fuck up. It’s a good strategy. I swear by it. I’m cautious, self-aware, think before I leap, and avoid rolling the dice on poorly understood risks. It’s boring, methodical, and incredibly effective. Of course, nobody’s perfect and we must make decisions based on incomplete information so mistakes happen. One is never 100% sure they won’t fuck up.

I also want to differentiate wishful thinking (“I won’t have an emergency”) from seasoned avoidance of emergencies (“that scree slope looks loose, I’ll hike around it”).

The next step is the mental flexibility to change plans as the need arises. I suspect this is something like wisdom because I did it a lot less in my youth. If you’ve never once encountered a situation where you thought “this is not cool, I’m going to bail out” you’re not flexibly adapting to situations that may arise. It might mean your tough or it might mean you’re lucky or it might mean you’re stupid. Regardless, if you “always stick to the plan” you’ll sooner or later march right off a cliff.

There are strategies I don’t like very much. Most common is the “never go alone” strategy. Somewhat related is the strategy of “walking on a mowed path in a park during sunny afternoons”. I get worried about the “don’t go alone” and “don’t go far” solutions. They’re just rationalizations of depending on others and hoping you never encounter something unexpected. Also, man was not born to endure the absence of risk. If you’re afraid to be alone in the dark, you’re not fully realized.

I was a hesitant to mention the SpotX because asking for help must be a last resort only. Beaming a signal to summon help should only happen if you’ve tried and failed at a dozen other survival/extraction efforts. Two dozen if you can pull it off.

If “ask for help” is your main plan, do the rest of us a favor and stay home. Choose another hobby. Go bowling, play an instrument, do drugs, take up knitting, get a cat, whatever you want but definitely stay away from mother nature because that bitch plays rough. At best you’re gonna’ get eaten by a bear and nobody will lift a finger. At worst some poor schmuck is going to take risks trying to save your pathetic ass when the bear had every right to eat you.

Here’s a Curmudgeonly Gem of Insight:

It’s gold plated asshole behavior to put yourself in jeopardy only because you assume some stranger will bail you out. Don’t do that.

We clear on that? Good. Now to the meat of the subject…

I was planning more details (and less bullshit about Keanu Reeves) in reference to my SpotX, but there’s been a delay because I remembered why I bought it in the first place. I sure as hell didn’t buy an SAR beacon so I could sit at home blogging. Also, it was the first sunny spell in what seems like forever.

So I ignored my blog, threw my shit in my truck, and headed for the great outdoors. Technically I’m not back yet. But I’ll be back eventually.

Thanks for your patience.

John Wick convinced me to buy a two way satellite communicator. It was a hard sell but he did it.

Image is linked to Amazon. You don’t have to buy one, but if you use my link it costs you nothing extra and I get kickback large enough to buy a six pack.

I’m a cheap bastard; historically willing to die in a ditch rather than pay for an ambulance ride. With time (and the tiniest hint of wisdom) I’ve mellowed. (Or maybe I’ve gotten soft.) This spring pried open my wallet with a crowbar and bought a SpotX communicator. Among its functions are the ability to be a search and rescue beacon. I’ve been testing it the last couple months to see how I like it. Depending on your situation, you may want to avail yourself of this new technology.

A SpotX is (in my eyes) a big ticket item. Not a purchase taken lightly. It’s either priceless or pointless; possibly both. Also there are pros and cons to anything and this choice meets my needs but I can see how it might annoy folks with different sensibilities. I’ll post my experience with the SpotX and the reason why I bought it and you can decide for yourself.

I thought I’d begin my review by talking about Keanu Reeves. Why? Because it’s RELEVANT dammit!

(Link to SpotX on Amazon here.)

Don’t worry, he’s got this.

SPOILER ALERT!

(Note: I’m not sure it matters which John Wick movie you see. They’re all the same John Wick movie. I say that even though I haven’t even seen the one in theaters right now. “John Wick Episode III: the Wickening”.) The plot of John Wick is all about pre-paid emergency contingency services. There’s a lot of splattery killing but that’s true of most Hollywood crap, it’s the contingency planning that makes Wick special.

To summarize: Neo from the Matrix gets righteously pissed when low end thuggish criminals act unforgivably low end. They go full thug on his pet. Never go full thug! Never mess with a man’s dog! That’s a key plot point in Wick. Thugs ignore the limits of acceptable behavior and that’s not OK. Once they’ve taken a shit on society, the rest of us cheer for a violent nutjob who kills them in box lots. We see ‘em get stabbed, bludgeoned, kneecapped, shot, burned, blown up, bent, folded, and spindled… and it’s fun to watch. Kids, here’s some helpful Curmudgeonly advice, don’t go into a career of thuggery! (Also, you might want to avoid politics, but that’s another story.)

As required by modern political correctness, Wick has a few moments of mandatory soul searching before getting his freak on and expending bucketloads of ammo. You can fast forward the existential angst; it’s John Wick, not operatic tragedy. After Hollywood checks the box for “tortured anti-hero” they let Wick off the leash and he starts genociding the entire thug level criminal population of New Jersey.

He keeps it classy though. Even as he depopulates entire city blocks, everyone he nails had it coming. It’s the reverse of 1970’s TV. A few decades ago the A-Team could spray automatic fire all over primetime TV like they were paid by the fired round; not a drop of blood was seen. In our current era, Wick does expertly placed double taps to the head from arm’s reach; we’re delighted because the bad guys needed killing. (A little social observation by the Curmudgeon there. Take from it what you will.)

When he’s not killing everything in sight, Wick interfaces with non-thug bad guys too. He hires their very classy services of villainy. For their part, the services are so smooth and efficient I can’t help but be jealous. A few non-thug mega-villains (sexy assassins and such) try to kill Wick but they too behave in a generally polite businesslike manner.

Aside from the “pre-paid contingency services” and differentiating disposable deplorable thugs from super cool tie wearing mega criminals, the movie is no different from any other vengeance fantasy.

I’ll add one other caveat. Keanu Reeves can’t act but he can shoot. For those of us who work on our marksmanship and tactical skills, it’s a pleasure to watch someone exhibiting proper stance, grip, AND AIM! (Contrast Wick’s front sight aimed enemy vaporization with annoying James Bond “magic shots”. Roger Moore’s James Bond would shove a Walther PPK out the window of a speeding car, wave it in the general direction of Russian Collusionists, and (having been granted a +9 on all D20 rolls) blow the right front tire of his assailant’s Lamborghini. How Moore can left-hand a moving backwards shot on a 3” patch of squealing tire is never explained; because it’s inexplicable!

Beyond ACTUALLY AIMING, the main thing Wick does right is keep his membership payments up to date. He’s got a platinum executive loyal customer membership throughout an imaginary supervillain’s society and it makes all the difference. Wick can stumble, covered with blood and trailing body parts, into the lobby of a swanky super-secret hotel and they politely handle his shit. He instantly checks into a room that includes complimentary breakfasts, excellent pet care, and bullet wound sutures.

In my humdrum life I wind up at the Super 8 next to the Interstate. They take good care of Wick’s dog while I have to wonder what I’m going to catch from the sheets. No wonder we like the Wick fantasy!

Wick has excellent car insurance too. He mercilessly destroys his car over and over again but pre-paid chop shop muscle car restoration services fix it tout sweet. He can show up with thirty seven bullet holes and a dead mobster stuffed in the grill of his muscle car and it’s fixed faster than State Farm fills out the paperwork for hail damage on a Honda.

He’s got home maintenance services on retainer too. When Wick splatters a half dozen home invader’s organs all over his living room, he’s got concierge body disposal on speed dial. How awesome is that? I can’t get a pizza delivered to my house but Wick’s carpet is presumably steamed clean within hours of a gruesome gunfight.

Wick knows it too. Well aware of the value of good services, he thanks everyone, tips generously, and smiles. That’s a good personality trait in anyone; especially rampaging vigilantes.

In Wick’s world, everyone he’ll need is already vetted, paid off, briefed, and supremely effective. Even the cops know what to do. They show up at a firebombing where the only thing left is Wick and a crater and it’s no big deal. “Hello Wick, you’ve got a lifetime membership in the crooked cop’s retirement fund. Therefore, this explosion was clearly caused by a faulty toaster.”

As I was watching Wick rack up an epic body count, I commented to Mrs. Curmudgeon; “this is an ad for good insurance”. She ignored me. But I’m right!

Since he has paid, in advance, for important services, Wick’s ass is covered when he gets in too deep. The whole system kicks in to keep him alive. That’s an important lesson! We all would like John Wick level contingency services.

Unlike Wick, I always rely entirely on myself and it sucks. Particularly in the wilderness, I’ve a lifetime of flying solo. I’m not a psycho-killer on a one-man war against the mob but after the movie I finally decided to move on a purchase I’d been mulling for years.

In my next post I’m going to explain why a SpotX is my version of John Wick’s approach.

I had a ton of shit to do this weekend (spoiler alert, none of it got done).

I was (as usual) behind the eight ball. Winter held on, clinging to the bitter end. It deviously gave up the exact millisecond my lawn was primed to go nuclear. This is normal; every spring my lawn goes from frozen tundra to wet burgeoning jungle in a flash.

I made a special trip to town to get fresh gas because I just knew the EPA mandated soup in my lawnmower’s tank would be crap. Then I maneuvered my truck close to the shed where the lawnmower lives because I’d need a jumpstart. Sometimes I pull the battery and keep it on a maintainer in the garage (with mixed success). This winter I left it in situ. It would certainly be dead.

Shockingly, it fired right up! No need for new gas or jumper cables? I practically fell off the seat.

The gas seemed OK too! Apparently, I had used Sta-Bil last fall? Also, the battery is made of magic?

More miracles followed! I checked under the hood and found a piece of tape stuck to it the engine with my very own writing. I’d changed the oil in September. No shit!

My only explanation is that some doppelgänger slipped onto my property last fall, properly “put to bed” my lawnmower, and then vanished. I ought to buy that guy a beer.

The only issue was a flat tire. Pretty good news! I limped it to the air compressor, filled it, and it held air. Could it be I would actually get to mow lawn? Usually I have to move heaven and earth every spring to resurrect various frozen equipment. I was delighted with my good fortune.

I lined up on the first strip of scraggly lawn and hit the PTO switch… nothing. I looked at the mower deck. There was no belt at all. Da fuck?!?!

I racked my brains and gradually remembered what happened. The belt broke in autumn. Being the kind of guy who’d rather build a boat than fret about landscaping, I just said “fuck it” and ended the lawnmowing season. How that led to good gas, clean oil, and a non-dead battery is a mystery.

I dimly remembered buying a belt and… holy shit… there it was! Hanging on a hook, in my shop, totally pristine and waiting… a new mower belt. Did I do that?

OK folks, you gotta’ tell me the truth here. Am I the only one who has so many irons in the fire he can’t even remember the tasks he’s accomplished? How does this work for other people?

Also, how come everyone has time to watch a gazillion hours of Game of Thrones? (On reflection I’ve never watched Game of Thrones but I did spend a few hours reading the first few books. They were OK at the start. Then it dawned on me it wasn’t going to get better. “Wait a minute, these dumbasses are never going to prepare for winter! They’re starting wars when they need to be harvesting crops. Fuck them! I have no sympathy for a single one of these nitwits. Ant and grasshopper dammit!” That’s when I stopped reading. Anyone who starts a war on the cusp of winter deserves to get Napoleoned.)

But I digress.

Back in the shop I manfully attacked the mower deck. Changing a belt should be no big deal. Emphasis on “should”.

Unfortunately, my deck was engineered by brain damaged howler monkeys; cretinous dipshits who shouldn’t have been let out of engineering class. We ought to keep overeducated wretches away from the machinery I use in real life. (Possibly, lock them in endless calculus classes until the student loans kill ‘em?) I live in a world engineered to be built in China and thrown away in America; getting shit done seems irrelevant to all parts of the flow chart!

God forbid the deck have more that one belt. That might increase friction by 0.001% and require 1/32” more metal in a few strategic places on a deck that’s carefully designed to be as flimsy as cardboard. Instead, some brass plated egghead thought it grand to wind 6’ of v-belt through 3 blade pullies, 2 idler pullies (one with a tension spring), and the engine’s PTO pulley. Six points of inflection asymmetrically scattered around a continuous loop. It’s a fuckin’ M.C Escher illustration down there!

I tried to slip the belt around various pullies while the deck was still installed… as should be possible in any sane world. When that didn’t work, I yanked the deck. In theory this is a matter of pulling a few pins but in reality it’s a PITA. I twisted my back in ways only appropriate for some MILFy yoga instructor and not a chunky bearded dude laying on cement. (I hear the song of ibuprofen singing in my ears.)

It’s a good thing I pulled the deck though. The idler pullies had “belt guides” so close to the pullies that there was no way a belt would ever “slip over” merely by releasing the tensioning spring. I don’t know if this is the OEM design or due to one of the (professionally installed) deck repairs. (I had the deck repaired at a dealer last spring.)

A note about lawn tractors. They’re all shit. Every fucking one of them. Even if your lawn tractor is a Name Brand XXX with turbo mow-amatic features… it’s either five grand or shit. If you do anything more than gingerly mowing a quarter acre of tabletop flat manicured greenery it’s going to implode like a child actor discovering cocaine. Virtually every riding lawnmower brand is excreted into shipping containers from nearly identical factories staffed by the same tragically underpaid peasants working with the same shitty plastics and pot metal. They’re engineered to whatever minimal price point some marketing jackwipe with a spreadsheet deemed necessary. I have a Cub Cadet with a Kawasaki engine. Hardly a bargain basement brand… and it’s shit. The deck rusted faster than I though possible (and a replacement deck is big bucks), the hydrostatic transmission loses traction at precisely the angle required to suit the most cringing, limp dicked, liability lawyer in creation, and the whole thing has the fit and finish appropriate for stoners making macaroni sculptures with hot glue. It was shit when it was made, it was shit when I bought it, and it’s double extra super shit when I’m contorted on a cement floor routing a belt through an infinite loop of suck.

Ugh! I hate shitty equipment and all of my equipment is shitty!

Eventually, because I could see no other solution, I removed both idler pullies, slipped on the belt, and reinstalled. That can’t be the right way. It’s gotta’ be modified from OEM right?

Also, I did read the manual! What makes you think that would help? The bulk of it was bitching that you shouldn’t do stupid things like use it to mix margaritas or hurl children at the rotating blades. Then there’s a section about how you should be wearing a safety vest, helmet, and titanium cup before you go anywhere near it. After that it spent more pages explaining it was made of materials known to the State of California to give ass cancer to puppies. Way in the back it briefly mentioned that it has a belt and only people with a PhD from Cub Cadet university should have access to this esoteric dark knowledge. However, it did spend three paragraphs saying that only a Cub Cadet belt will suffice and all those other brands should be banned by Federal law.

Finally, after a lot of swearing, I had it reinstalled. I lined up on the grass and hit the PTO. The blades were spinning, grass was getting cut, all was well. I drove three feet and the belt popped off a pulley somewhere. Dead in the water again.

I sat there on my tractor pondering my fate. “Well it could be worse” I though.

Then it started raining.

I can take a hint. I drove it back into it’s shed, shut it down, ran through the rain to the house, and poured a nip of bourbon. I’ll try again later.