The Joy Of Learning

This isn’t my first rodeo; but I fucked up.

Last year I experimented with cutting firewood normally but “seasoning” it in IBC totes. I bought three. I need 12 but I have 3… one has to start somewhere. I love them! Stacking (ok tossing) cut and split wood into a tote is easier than stacking elsewhere. Plus I created a makeshift roof on two of them. The roofs kept the wood reasonably dry.

To mover the totes, I bought the world’s cheapest and sketchiest pallet forks for my tractor. It works though it sags threateningly. It seems a little dangerous because the metal is just not strong enough. However, I think if it catastrophically fails it won’t damage the tractor and that’s all that matters. All that’ll happen (I hope) is a half ton of firewood hits the ground.

During the summer I used the forks to move the filled totes to the middle of an empty field and let the sun cook ’em. At the beginning of the winter I used the forks to pick up the whole, loaded, tote and bring them right to my house. It’s like magic. I can “pick up” a loaded tote without leaving the cab and the tote is a fairly large amount of wood. By my guess, 3 totes is about a cord, meaning one tote is about a “face cord”. That’s equivalent to a stack of stove bolts 4′ high and 8′ long. Yeah! I can “pick up and carry” an 8′ long “wall” of wood all in one fell swoop. The tree totes lasted ’till last week. I sure wish I had more!

Now I’m back to pulling wood off a “wall” and tossing it into a transport thing (like a “carry all” on the back of my tractor) and dragging that smaller amount which already took a lot of effort to the house, where I have to move the blocks of wood again. I can see the IBC totes saving my ass as I age.

The beginning of the month was rainy, wet, and slushy. But not too cold and not a lot of snow. I was happy because I don’t have much firewood and want to stretch it as far as I can. Also whenever it’d December and you don’t have to plow snow, you should rejoice! Eventually it dropped to -15. Yikes! But it still didn’t snow so I didn’t worry about plowing. Then last week snow hit and I needed to plow ASAP.

I was still setup with the tractor’s load bucket. Usually I’ve plowed at least once a month earlier. Luck me for having a little reprieve! I rolled the tractor out to where my snowbucket has been sitting since march. I dropped the small (and not all that good for snow) loader bucket and hooked up to the snowbucket. (The snowbucket can’t carry a fuckin’ thing, including firewood, but it’s hot shit for moving snow.)

The snowbucket was froze down.

Ouch! Not “froze a little bit” but “froze so hard the tractor’s rear tires pull a reverse wheelie if you try to lift the fuckin’ bucket”. I pondered a bit on how to “pull the sword out of the stone” but gave up and went to plan B. A crappy old rear blade. I ditched the pallet forks rear implement (I’d already used up all the wood in my small “fleet” of 3 totes), backed up to the rear blade, put on all the arms of the 3 point hitch (with much grunting and shoving), and then climbed back into the cab.

When one thing is froze to the ground all things are froze to the ground.

Dammit! I know it’s important to get shit off the ground in case of freeze. I’d simply forgotten. My mowers are sitting on railroad ties, which did me no good if I needed other implements. (I think I need more railroad ties.)

I laboriously unhitched the three point and went back to messing with the snowbucket. I put a heater on it and dumped some boiling water (well aware that boiling water turns anything it doesn’t solve into an even worse problem). I was at it an hour or so to no avail.

I decided I’d try one more time. If it didn’t work I’d go out the next day and start a fucking fire in the snowbucket… it’s all metal after all. That would nuke the paint but it’s a farm implement and life is hard.

The bucket, sensing I was about to get medieval on it’s ass, relented. It lifted free of the frozen grass and ice. Awesome!

Front loader attachments for my tractor have two safety levers. You push these down to engage two pins to make sure the bucket is locked on tight. It’s the same as Bobcat buckets.

Neither lever budged. Probably more ice.

I started plowing gingerly… with a snowbucket that was technically “sitting on” and not “hitched to” the loader arms. Life isn’t an OSHA manual.

By then the tractor was almost out of fuel. Dammit!

I plowed one wavering, half-assed path down my driveway out to the road (which was icy as shit!). This allowed Mrs. Curmudgeon to get home without busting trail over drifts.

Then gave up. I parked my tractor in the garage (with the snowbucket still attached). I was beat. I set the snowbucket down on 2×4 scraps so it wouldn’t freeze to my garage floor. That’s something I usually do, I’d just forgot.

The next day I fed the tractor 5 gallons of #1 diesel and plowed for real. I got one lever down so I was only 1/2 out of OSHA specs.

Now it was time to get firewood and I was all out of IBC totes (which was fine because I’d already ditched the pallet forks).

I have a “carry all”. It’s a little load bearing platform that fits on a 3 point hitch at the rear of the tractor. I use it for carrying firewood. I pulled up to my carry all and nudged it with the snow bucket. Nothing. It was froze as solid as everything else.

OK genius, now what?

I could swap back to the load bucket (which is fine for carrying small loads of wood) but I’d just about killed myself getting the snow bucket mounted. I didn’t have the heart to go backwards.

I backed up to my woodshed and tossed a Jet Sled on the ground. A “jet sled” is a load carrying plastic sled. Basically the same as a kid’s sled except ten times stronger and much heavier. They’re usually used by ice fishermen, sometimes towed by ATVs and snowmobiles. (My old ATV is currently dead).

As I was loading the sled, a “tractor mouse” crawled out and watched me from the PTO shaft housing. I don’t like mice in my tractor. Mice don’t value my opinion. They also don’t like it when I turn their home into a loud moving death machine. The mouse was looking at me like “what the fuck dude, you’re driving my house around!” I wound up shouting at him… yes shouting at a mouse. “Can’t you live in the firewood like all the fucking chipmunks?”

I made a grab for him but missed. He darted right back into the tractor, where he is no doubt chewing on the most expensive wires he can find.

Then I used a 35 HP 4×4 tractor with a snowbucket to pull a tiny little sled’s worth of wood. It was stupid, on the other hand, it worked.

If it works it’s not stupid.

At the house where I load my firewood, there was an old IBC tote. It was recently emptied and it probably only weighs 50 pounds empty. Easy to push out of the way. I nudged it with the tractor. Didn’t budge an inch. Because of course it was froze down too. GOod grief!

I couldn’t drive all the way so I had to manhandle the sled the last few yards.

It’s probably not going to thaw for weeks… or months. Me and that sled are going to be spending some time together. That’s just how it is, things happen not like you imagine but how nature intends. Important shit is froze down. Unimportant shit is froze down in places that are annoying. Mice are plotting against me. Etc…

Despite the drama involved, it’s good to have a warm fire. Merry Christmas.