The Coffin Tent And Why I’m Better Than Boeing

Q: Boeing sent astronauts to the International Space Station for an eight day mission. Things got squirrely and they’ve been stuck there for months. Nobody knows how they’ll get back. What does this have to do with camping gear?

A: Test your camping gear before it matters! Unlike Boeing, I discovered planned gear won’t work before I wandered off into space.

I need a big dose of outdoor time. I took a good look at my homemade sailboat and my dirtbike. They both made good arguments but I decided to go with the motorcycle.

My plans underwent mission creep. They expanded, transmogrified, and went to eleven. Now it’s a “motocamping adventure”. Strap in folks because the fun is just starting!

I’ll keep y’all in the dark for now. Never fear, I will indeed provide details in due time. Being general, Honey Badger (my Yamaha TW200) and I are about to take a long “camping” trip. (The hip dudes call this “motocamping”.) I hope to stay 95% on dirt. (If I wanted to ride on pavement, I’d take a different motorcycle.) I’ll be self supported (no hotels). I’m going solo.

I hope to buy food along the way, at least some of the time. The rest of the time I’ll cook… or starve. I’m expecting to go a bit under a thousand miles. I’ve never done quite this sort of “adventure”.

I hope to make it in a week. The route is remote and I’ve never been there before; that’s why they call it an “adventure”.

I’m testing my equipment in advannce. Honey Badger is a small motorcycle. She can only carry about the volume of a backpack. I usually go truck camping. Carrying a half ton of gear is luxurious but addictive. It’s hard to go anywhere without that big giant diesel crutch!

The first phase is to harden up and get to basics. I need a smallish tent. Attempt one was a dismal failure. Mistakes were made!

My equipment is laughably specialized for things totally different than motocamping. In winter I use a Russian Bear UP2 with an internal woodstove. Most people are sane enough to avoid winter camping. If you need a Russian Bear UP2 you (like me) are afflicted with the condition of “winter camping”. Winter camping gear is mostly unworkable for motocamping.

Whenever I’m NOT in snow, I prefer my Gazelle Hub Tent. I love it! It’s a 3 season brick shithouse. It sets up in a flash, you can stand in it, and mine has ridden out big storms. It easily holds a huge Camp Cot, fluffy Camp Pad, and plain old rectangular Sleeping Bag. After all that junk there’s still half a tent left for sitting in a chair chillin out during any rainstorm! It’s almost as nice as a hotel room. It’s also too large for any motorcycle.

My last option is a Vista 1 “Quick Tent”. The Vista 1 an odd duck. It folds up long and tubular. Like a hefty baguette on steroids. It’s much smaller than my behemoth tents but it still packs bigger and heavier than you’d expect. The interior is minimal. I call it a “coffin tent”.

It has odd advantages such as internal poles that are already in place. Pull one cord and the thing pops up like an origami miracle. It’s self supporting too. Being self supporting but tiny, it’s surprisingly rugged.

I’ve used it a few times on top of my Camp Cot. It’s a sweet novelty to be a foot and a half off the ground! That requires an optional “I chose to set the tent up on a cot” rainfly (it goes all the way to ground level). That makes it “feel bigger”.

My monster cot won’t fit on the motorcycle so I planned to setup the little “coffin tent” on the ground (with it’s standard rainfly). But first I tied it to my my motorcycle and blasted down the road for 20 miles. It’s weird size didn’t pack great but it rode OK.

Back at camp, now I had a six pack to drink (test rides have advantages) and things were looking good. Setup was a flash. The Vista 1 just plain explodes into being. It takes two minutes to set it up (fly and stakes included).

My air mattress fit, barely. Last year I bought a Therm-a-Rest NeoAir Topo. They aren’t cheap but they’re cheaper than a chiropractor. They come in a variety of sizes. Mine is “Large” (77″ x 25″) specifically chosen to fit inside the “coffin tent”.

Warning about the NeoAir Topo, they come in several flavors and it’s not always clear from the box or the mattress itself what you’re looking at. As you can see from the photo:

I hadn’t tested the air mattress with the tiny tent, or my back. I crammed it in there (all hail tape measures) but nearly the entire base of the tent was covered by mattress.

Note: I didn’t spring for the “Luxe” version of the Topo air mattress. I have to make due with 3″ of padding like the groveling peasant I am. If I could do it again, I’d get the Luxe version which is 4″ thick and more suitable for my aging and ample weight.

Go Luxe, because an extra inch is an extra inch!

(If that doesn’t sound dirty, I don’t know what does.)

My sleeping bags aren’t meant for packing small on a small motorcycle. Since they all suck for motocamping, I decided to try something new. On top of the inflatable mattress I spread three light fluffy “camping quilt” objects (more on this later).

I was full of optimism (and beer). It’s August and I was doing a test run in an easy environment. How hard can it be?

Also, It looked right. My small dual sport and my small tent look like a match made in heaven.

Then it was time to bend, fold, and spindle myself enough to climb into that tiny tent. I looked like a gorilla crawling into a yellow trashcan!

I’m not claustrophobic but there’s not one since inch of spare space in the little coffin tent. I think it “seems” smaller when it’s on the ground compared to on a cot. If it’s on a cot you can stash stuff underneath!

I like having stuff within reach but not on top of me when I camp/sleep. I kicked off my shoes which immediately bounced off the wall and back onto my legs. I tossed my sweatshirt to the side but there was no “side” where the sweatshirt could reside. This continued all night long.

In keeping with only carrying the minimum, I was using my motorcycle’s emergency jump starter as a flashlight. It’s a Noco Boost GB20 battery pack / jumpstarter. I keep it with my motorcycle at all times. It’s a fine flashlight and charger (I can jumpstart my bike but mostly I use it to charge my SpotX and cell phone). I tried to push it away from my face and gained a generous 3″ of “breathing room”. It sat there… looming!

Everything was OK but not fun. I started to get grumpy. I stashed my cell phone in the little tent’s fabric “attic” and that’s the only thing that wasn’t crowding me. My bedding was in disarray. Everything was bumping into the walls. Meanwhile on a humid summer evening I expected moisture would condense on the walls.

Grumbling, I drifted off to sleep. I guess the air mattress ain’t so bad!

A few hours later, beer reminded me that I needed to get out and pee. I switched on my GB20’s light from where it was crammed against the fabric wall. It blasted my face from a mere 2″ away. I flailed about looking for my glasses. I gave up finding my shoes and just stepped outside barefoot. The contortions as I found and fumbled with the zipper were epic.

I emerged from the tent under a glorious night sky. There were northern lights! I peed in the glory of cosmic fireworks!

Then… ugh… back in the tent. By the time I got back through the rainfly and the netting inner door I’d scrambled the bedding like a tornado had gone through. I fussed and arranged and somehow got one shoe behind my head and another under my knee. The simple little tent was kicking my butt!

I drifted off again. At least the air mattress was doing it’s job! The tangle of quilts was keeping me more or less warm… though it was a warm night anyway.

Hours later I woke up the second time. I wanted a snack. Normally this is no big deal. I keep a snack and a bottle of water in my tent at all times (unless I’m in grizzly country). This time I had to get up, stumble across everything, go outside, and rummage around on my bike. I found a granola bar and some water. It was a pretty summer night, otherwise I’d have been miserable. Imagine getting soaked in a rainstorm looking for a granola bar!

Breathing the cool night air was great. The tent had been stuffy. The glorious moonless sky was wonderful after being wrapped in that damn tent. Unfortunately, the northern lights had faded.

Turning back to the little tent I thought “this contraption is making me miserable”. I had alternate lodging not far away (this was a test campout not a real one!). I hopped on my bike and rode away. It was 4:00 am.

Mission failure! The Vista 1 Quick Tent did everything it was supposed to do. For the right person, such as a hobbit, it would be perfect. It’s just scaled wrong for me and it made me miserable.

I didn’t really get a good test of my sleep system. The next day I setup my Gazelle Hub Tent. I’d put down the same sleep system but try it in a huge tent that wasn’t actively trying to strangle me. I’ll post results shortly. In the meantime here’s a photo of the Gazelle Hub (without rainfly) next to the Teton Vista 1: