Happy Camper: Part 5: A Sublime Night

[Note: I’ve linked to Amazon when I mention various gear. This is because it’s the gear I think is best. You don’t have to follow my ideas but if you do it’ll spare y’all the hassle of reinventing the wheel. Also I get a kickback from the Evil Overlords at Amazon; which costs you nothing. If you’re not into shopping, don’t click the links. Thanks.]

I own an excellent Gazelle Tent (T4). It’s as close to a brick shithouse you can get without spending hours (instead of just a few minutes) setting up your tent. It’s roomy and very good against rain (and it had been raining on and off for weeks). So I brought it. Then I didn’t set it up. Why? Because the human mind (or at least mine) is a strange thing. I’d brought tons of gear. I had alternate options. I felt like experimenting to put myself in a little closer contact with nature.

This wasn’t a motorcycle / testing trip so I’d brought my heavy, (impossible to carry on a bike or backpack) TETON Sports Outfitter XXL Camp Cot, TETON Sports Outfitter XXL Camp Pad, and TETON Sports Celsius XL Sleeping Bag. The combination of those three things is flat out awesome! It’s the most comfortable camping set I’ve every owned. It’s almost as comfy as the bed in my house. (The only limitation is that it’s too heavy for backpacks and motorcycles.) I considered setting ’em up right in the open and sleeping just like that. If it weren’t for rain and bugs it would be perfect.

For the motorcycle I’ve planned on using a Vista 1 tent on the ground. (I can also set it up on top of the cot; it’s designed for the option of deployment on a cot.) There’s a different rainfly for ground versus on the cot use. (I’d brought both.) Unlike the Gazelle T4, which feels like a camping hotel room, the the Vista 1 is coffin sized. Even so it’s very stout tent and pretty reasonable when it’s on top of my much loved cot. I found it amid my jumbled gear. Then, in a fit of pointless “innovation”, I ignored it.

During my packing I’d thought “river + summer = mosquitoes”. In 2022, intolerable swarms of Old Testament level Mosquitoes kicked my ass. (Story starts here: Mosquitoes Get The Upper Hand: Part 0.) In response to that I purchased a Gazelle G5 screen tent. I never took a screen tent seriously before but the bug attack of 2022 was a bloodbath! Now that I have it, I use it more often than I expected. There were no mosquitoes but I couldn’t shake the idea they were going to come out and swarm my ass to death at any moment.  I have no idea why, maybe it was proximity to the river? Mosquitoes are a thing and I was in their turf, I think the only thing holding them back was the chilly temperatures.

I set up the screen tent just in case. Then I thought “why not?”. I put my cot and mattress and sleeping bag in the screen tent. So now you’ve got a tent with no walls, which won’t protect against rain if it’s windy but will handle a mild shower.

Also, it would be the bee’s knees if it were hot out. But it wasn’t hot. I think half my brain was paying more attention to the calendar than the actual conditions.

Despite my random choices, I’d setup camp in a flash. All the gear I’d chosen is tough and fast to setup. I was ideally situated for hot temperatures, mosquitoes, and clear weather. It was a mite chilly, there were no mosquitoes, and it has rained on and off for weeks. I’m a dumbass!

That’s ok. If it got rainy and windy I could put the Vista 1 coffin on the cot. It takes like 10 seconds to setup the coffin tent and with the rainfly on, and inside a screen tent, it would happily ride out a hurricane. The sky was cloudy but only moderately so. I have side panels for the screen tent. If I paid for ’em I might as well use them right? Soon I had a screen tent with wind / rain protection on 3 of 5 sides with a comfy cot inside and a coffin tent stashed under the cot “just in case”.

Unusual? Yes. Well suited to summer camping and yet flexible enough should conditions degrade? Yes! If a solution is weird but works great, then it’s fine with me.

Here’s the screen tent without stuff in it or the side panels:

Here’s the screen tent with side panels (3) and my super comfy cot/mattress/sleeping bag combination. A bit odd but at the same time I thought it was pretty neat.

The forest was wet as can be and I needed firewood. A few years back I bought a dorky little electric chainsaw. I expected a battery operated saw to be an underwhelming toy. I was wrong! The little beast really impresses me. I have been completely converted to battery based saws for small jobs. I take it on most campouts. (I even use it when I’m cutting small diameter firewood at home or when I’m clearing trails.) Of course, I have a big gas saw (a.k.a. a real chainsaw) but the two devices are apples and oranges. The Sthil is good for handling big jobs and full size trees, the Dewalt shines when gathering campfire wood. In fact I won’t take my Stihl camping because it’s louder than Godzilla and I hate carrying all the gas and oil and shit. For camping you can’t beat a (nearly) silent and easy to use little electric saw. Lesson learned.

There was no good wood nearby. I think I fire had gone through a few years ago and burned all the small materials. Grumbling, I started up my now mostly empty vehicle and drove back down the access road. I didn’t return until I’d gathered triple the wood I’d likely need. Why not gather extra? Having a chainsaw made it pretty much effortless.

Back at camp it was a bitch to get wet wood started but once I had a small fire going I used it to heat each piece and everything kept going nicely. The mosquitos were slowly building. The smoke helped and I lit a Thermacell.

It was getting dark but my work was done. I cracked a cold beer and it was delicious. Sadly, my shortwave radio battery died almost instantly. I charge it from a cigarette lighter in the Dodge but my Jeep-Thing has no lighter socket. These are the things you learn by testing your gear rather than making sunny assumptions.

I didn’t have much small wood for the little folding stove. No worry, I used tongs to grab hot coals from the fire and toss them into the stove. Easy peasy! I grilled tenderloin on the little gadget and it was delicious. I didn’t overthink it and I was lazy as I cooked. Some came out perfect, some was a little overdone. I didn’t care, it was awesome just as it was. I had a ton of “side dishes” available but cooked nothing else. Sometimes the best possible mean is grilled steak with salt and pepper. With beer of course. I had a little extra meat left over which I stashed for breakfast.

I could have cooked over the main fire but the little wood stove is a lot more “controllable”:

Notice how everything was smoky? The wood was pretty wet.

While I was eating steak, I couldn’t help but think about Chuck Schumer. If you aren’t aware, the dude tried to tweet that he was grilling on Father’s Day. It was one of those “see, I’m just like you deplorable voters” photos that should be no big deal. Yet it just looked off. He wound up looking like such a freaky weird space lizard that the people mocked him. He eventually deleted the tweet.

That’s a thing about politics right now. I’m just a loser with a firebox and a steak and yet I really did make dinner that way. I don’t look like a lying spaz. The food tasted delicious. Schumer, like so many politicians, is so vastly unlike a normal American that he can’t make a cheeseburger without looking like a fraud. What’s it like to be such a strange and alien being?

A little later three women in three kayaks showed up. They belonged to the Toyota. They arrived just as dusk was approaching.

How times have changed! Once upon a time I’d have chivalrously offered to help. In our current era of weirdness when you meet a woman who’s unknown to you it’s only wise to react with caution. Any male must (in self defense) assume she’ll shriek like a banshee and sue you for sexual harassment if you look her way. Wisely, I stayed in my chair, nodding politely. I made small talk without moving an inch.

I’d say “I let them struggle with their gear” but they had it well in hand. They didn’t need any help from the Neanderthal hanging out nearby. In fact, to their credit, they didn’t freak out about me at all.

There was a kerfuffle a few weeks ago about some women claiming they’d rather see a bear in the woods than a man. This was presented as an accusation toward men (as are almost all things these days). But I had to reflect that there’s greater risk to myself having three ladies around than a bear. I’m not sure I’d rather see an alligator… but bear… yeah I’d pcik the bear.

Politics is so divisive that it erodes us all. People have been trained out of happy interaction with strangers. But rationality still holds in the forest. All four of us were not merely civil but nice. I’m glad when we revert to being just good people. America’s trust is not eroding so much as it’s being deliberately killed by people who are doing so on purpose. Once again I think of Chuck Schumer who can’t make a cheeseburger without generating an uncanny valley.

They had with them a dog. Humans cannot be trusted but dogs are always awesome. I almost broke into song! It approached and with the owner’s permission, I gave it a bit of steak. The dog decided then and there to change teams and sat by my feet. I’d made a friend for life. It inspected my grill about a thousand times hoping I’d dropped some.

Eventually, the ladies had crammed all three kayaks, all three passengers, all three paddles, and assorted get in or onto their Toyota Rav4. They called for the dog. I gave him a last piece of steak and a pat on the head and he wandered over to be crammed into what was looking a bit like a clown car. He was a good dog!

Then I was alone. The sun set. Mosquitoes picked up but it wasn’t that bad. I don’t know if I just stoically bore the bugs, or there weren’t many to fret over, or the Thermacell did a great job. (Pro tip: Thermacells do a pretty good job. I pay a smidge extra for the “earth scent” refills. The pleasant smell is worth it.)

I had cell service (unusual for places I camp) but my phone was dead. I neglect my phone more or less on purpose. (My SpotX is serious equipment and was charged fully!) I plugged the phone into my battery pack / jumpstarter, gave it a few minutes to catch up, and made a call.

I wound up chatting for hours with an old friend. Me sitting by the campfire. Him watching sportsball in a different time zone. We bitched and joked as if we were both sitting out there in the woods. Call it “virtual campfire”.

Eventually, I ran out of beer and a fog came in. Actually it didn’t come in so much as materialize in situ. A dense fog, like Stephen King was prowling the forest. I let the fire die out, stood a long time looking at the spooky forest, and turned in.

I slept like a log. It wasn’t a warm dry night. I don’t have a thermometer but it must have been around 40f. Lucky I’d brought an “overkill” sleeping bag.

I woke to 9000% humidity and fog. Everything was soaked with dew; sleeping bag, my face, everything. Serves me right for using a screen tent instead of a real tent. On the other hand I’d deeply enjoyed the fresh air of the forest.

I had plans to make breakfast or something, but I lazily went back to sleep. A few hours later the sun was beaming through the screen and it was glorious. I stumbled out of the screen tent, got dressed, and had done absolutely nothing when Mrs. Curmudgeon arrived! Awesome!

I’d promised to make breakfast but I’d zoned out and slept late! Mrs. Curmudgeon no longer camps but if possible she comes by for breakfast at camp! Our dog was (as always) with her. It was delighted to tear around camp like a maniac. Dogs love camping!

I brewed coffee and served it. I make better coffee at camp than at home.

I started a fire and we sat happily watching the fire. Then I remembered I was supposed to make breakfast so I whipped up bacon, eggs, and cheese. I chopped up the leftover steak and added it too. It was a delicious breakfast in a mellow place.

We sat there for hours. The wet morning chill turned into noontime heat. It’s nice to rest. A hipster and his wife showed up looking for a hiking trail. They’d been led astray by Google maps. I pointed out the right route to the hipster while his wife took photos of our dog. Two human interactions in 24 hours is more than the “nobody for days” I’m used to. Maybe it’s a popular spot? Then again I’d had it all to myself most of the time.

Eventually, Mrs. Curmudgeon and a very happy but worn out dog rolled away. An hour later I’d broke camp and rolled out. I stopped at the ice cream place and the lady was grumpy. WTF? The ice cream was still excellent. Heading home I took dozens of random dirt roads and I only got home at dusk.

It was the perfect campout! This post is too long but I hope y’all got a secondhand whiff of the happy, cheap, simple fun nature offers. It you can, turn off the internet and go wandering. Good luck!