Tiny Dancer Is Not OK! Example 2: Honda Shadow 1100

[Continued from earlier post]

I’m calling bullshit on all music on motorcycles that wrecks the whole motorcycle’s soul! Either turn off the radio or play something that matches the spirit of your ride!

Here’s my second post where I put up some “sprit matching music” to go with each of my three very different motorcycles. This post is for “cruisers” and cruisers practically come with their own soundtrack so it’s easy to see what I mean.

I can only hope the Harley-geezer who forced us to endure Tiny Dancer is crying in his sleep as his expensive motorcycle mocks him and runs off to party with the hot new sportbike downtown.

TINY DANCER IS NOT OK!

Example 2: Honda Shadow 1100 (applies to all Harley-Davidsons and most “Cruisers”).

Description: Cruisers are contractually obligated to the universe to have styling cues dating to the 1940’s. This is weird because 1940 was a long time ago. It’s not like there was some massive engineering revolution that has remained unchanged the ensuing 80 years but it is what it is.

The form factor is so strongly established that many people don’t even know there are bikes with different characteristics. I’m mystified that people continue to buy bikes modeled aesthetically after a time that passed before they were born; but I have one.

Cruisers all have a v-twin engines, gobs of chrome, and ample displacement. A few cruisers (like the very cool Honda Valkyrie and the unique BMW R 18 Classic) differ slightly from the formula but such exceptions are rare. It is a known fact of the universe that if Harley-Davidson ever makes a 4 cylinder motorcycle, Milwaukee will be burned to the ground by people who weren’t alive in 1940 but spent their Social Security checks on an Electra Glide five years ago.

For all cruisers, styling is key. Chrome is added whenever a spare dollar is detected. This doesn’t mean I hate cruisers. I have one. It’s a Honda Shadow (not the one in the photo). A Shadow has everything to look like a Harley-Davidson while being built entirely differently. Long suffering Honda engineers were beaten with sticks to accomplish this. They carefully disguised every good useful feature like liquid cooling, shaft drive, reliability, and economy.

The arrival of metric cruisers pissed the establishment off royally! Shadows (and others) were subject to the protective “chicken tax”. Shadows were subsequently made in Ohio. Shadows were sued all the way to the supreme court because they sound like a Harley. All of this did nothing to stop them because metric cruisers are built like brick shithouses. They cannot be killed.

Bikes made by Harley-Davidson were once sketchy quality but that’s years ago. Now they’re just as good as anything made by Honda or Suzuki and they cost only twice as much.

I have ridden my cruiser through most of the continental US and many conditions that were pretty extreme (such as Death Valley), but that’s not common. A cruiser’s natural habitat is a bar within five miles of the owner’s house but only on sunny summer weekends.

A photo of a generic metric cruiser is below:

Appropriate Soundtrack: If you’re gonna have a bad ass bike… be a bad ass. Every note and sound should be pure testosterone… it should be the kind of music you can play loud enough to drown out the money you spent on those Screaming Eagle pipes.

Look for electric guitars, heavy metal, any song with a powerchord, ideally all three. Music themes should involve riding, fucking, and battle. Yes, we know you’re a dentist from Des Moines but leather up and go with it! Much of the music is dated but that’s ok; the whole scene was obsolete decades ago and nobody cares. (*I don’t mind being obsolete so don’t take this personally.)

It’s important to note that TINY DANCER IS NEVER OK.

Ride With Me, Steppenwolf:

And I, I, I’m so confused
Which way, which way to choose?
Ride with me baby ’til the end of the day

Macho Man, Village People (No power chords but this is clearly a cruiser mating call):

You can tell a macho, he has a funky walk
his western shirts and leather, always look so boss
Funky with his body, he’s a king
call him Mister Ego, dig his chains
You can best believe that, he’s a macho man
likes to be the leader, he never dresses grand

Immigrant Song, Led Zepplin:

The hammer of the gods
Will drive our ships to new lands
To fight the horde, sing and cry
Valhalla, I am coming

Come Out And Play, The Offspring (For the 1%-ers)

If one guy’s colors and the others don’t mix
They’re gonna bash it up, bash it up, bash it up, bash it up
Hey, man you talkin’ back to me?
Take him out
You gotta keep ’em separated

Pretty Fly (For a White Guy), The Offspring (For the dentist who wishes he was a 1%er)

You know, it’s kinda hard just to get along today
Our subject isn’t cool, but he fakes it anyway
He may not have a clue and he may not have style
But everything he lacks, well, he makes up in denial

I’m Too Sexy, Right Said Fred (If your bike is what I call “overchromed” this song is in your head every single mile ridden).

I’m too sexy for my shirt
Too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts

Bonus Classical Track, Flight of the Valkyries, Wagner. (Only to be used when you’re riding with your “club”.)

Part 3 coming up…