Lets state for the record that I’m often fearlessly stupid. I heartily recommend it. Man was not put on this planet to meekly watch TV until the clock runs out. An interesting life of physical and mental exuberance is the place to be (at least some of the time).
However, I’m still alive. I do have limits and (with caveats) observe them well enough.
<Warning: nostalgic memories ensue… all details scrubbed for obvious reasons.>
I remember one night in my long ago youth when shit got too real. I was 95% of the way through a bottle of tequila. If you’ve ever been in a bottle of tequila you know what I’m talking about. (Yes I wrote “in”… at some point you’re “in” the tequila and not the other way around.)
This wasn’t anything new. It was a place I’d been many times. I’ve explored the internal geography of someone who drinks like he’s Thor and doesn’t give a shit what happens next so long as it’s loud. So have many men.
That night was destined for the kind of epic misadventure that involves ER visits and broken furniture. I was young and bulletproof and usually up to live out a good story. It was that magic time in life when a few stitches or a burning car or whatever else happens is just part of the fun.
This time was different. I don’t know why but I didn’t let the story happen as it was written in the stars. At the very last minute, I showed just enough common sense to know I had no common sense. My ego was writing checks my body couldn’t cash and it was time to bail.
There was only an inch left in the bottle and we had plans to do something (I forget what) as soon as I was done. Obviously, the right and proper thing to do in the middle of that already well developed night of unwise decision is to finish the bottle. Upend it like the lunatic you are and ride the burning madness all the way to wherever you end up! Everyone around (who was just as drunk as me) was chanting. “Drink! Drink! Drink!” I was the center of attention. I was in the spotlight. I was having a hell of a night!
We’ve all been there. If you haven’t you’re a wimp. For whatever reason, this time I showed a bit of wisdom.
I’m out.
That’s all I said. I set the bottle down; or rather I tried to and needed assistance to get it settled on the table (which was moving like a ship in a hurricane, as was the floor, and ceiling, and planet). I flagged down someone (I don’t remember who) and instructed them to get me somewhere (I don’t remember where). On the way to wherever I wound up, I vomited on a bush… which was right and proper. Because tequila.
The point is there’s a time when you have to say “I’m out”.
This week, I was out.
The “news” exceeded my physical limits for stupid. The fake and gay propaganda stream that passes for current events was just too fucking dumb. I stopped watching the circus and wandered off… it was time to get some pancakes, drink some water, and sleep it off in the safe refuge of ignorance.
So this is my concise summary of this week and the continuing balloon thing:
I’m out. I can’t go this dumb.
How did this come to be? Last week I ranted about the marvelous massive Chinese spy balloon of mysterious mystery. It demonstrated the First Rule of Clown World*.
* “No matter how fake and gay you think it’s going to be (for any value of “it”), it will always somehow end up being so much faker and gayer.”
I’m not naïve enough to expect ensuing events to be anything other than dumb but I’m only human. Perpetual logarithmic increases in weirdness to infinity (and beyond!) are hard on my more or less sane mind. Some levels of stupidity are physically painful to grok when you are not insane yourself.
Here’s the best I can make of the muddle.
A few days after “America let the Chinese Balloon drag its geopolitical nutsack across America’s face all the way to the coast” I was told that balloons spy on us all the time. Apparently we just sorta’ let it happen. The public was never informed because why would they be? It’s all the fault of Trump or something.
I also learned that an American ICBM had been launched into the Pacific… because “shut up, it’s a thing”. Nukes are a thing?
Yep. I’ve now learned that we (or at least someone) considers it completely normal to launch American blank nukes. A quick search turned up American nuke launches in: 2017, 2019, 2020, 2021, and 2023.
I did not know that. Let the record show that I was totally unaware that firing blank nukes was commonplace.
Did you know that? Whether you knew or not, it’s true.
Let’s all take time to assimilate this true fact.
America periodically ejaculates a nuke.
That’s a fact. It’s verifiable.
Let us stop here and give this warm steamy nugget of truth the attention it merits. Let it roll around in your head for a few minutes. STOP AVOIDING IT! Quit surfing Tik Tok and scratching your nuts… reflect on the fact that it’s totally normal for America to fire ICBMs into the Pacific because that’s what we fucking do.
Whether it’s based on some logic (testing purposes) or just for shits and giggles doesn’t interest me. Am I the only one sane enough to think that launching nukes is a bad fucking idea?
“Don’t launch nukes” is a good solid rule of thumb that applies everywhere and always. I’m sure there’s a good reason for this and it involves testing equipment and I’m equally sure that launching nukes is still a dumb fucking thing to do. It’s dumb if you’ve got a reason to test the gear. It’s dumb if you think Trump is a spastic orange gibbon who’ll start WW3. It’s dumb if the president that got more votes than any other candidate in history can’t complete a coherent sentence. It’s dumb if Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Mark Milley is a shitweasel who subverts the chain of command. It’s dumb when NATO is at war with Russia in the Ukraine to defend the Ukrainian border using money from a country that won’t defend its own borders. It’s dumb when we did an act of war. It’s dumb in a house. It’s dumb with a mouse. It’s dumb here or there. It’s dumb anywhere.
I not sure I was ready for that final bit of stupid. Firing blank nukes after a balloon pantsed the continental US seemed fake and gay. So I find out we do it all the time because reasons. We do it all that time? Does doing it all the time make the world more sane?
Then, for no reason I can discern, the Biden administration started shooting down shit all over the place. High altitude objects apparently fly over us all the time and only now we’re hearing about it. And these objects can’t possibly be domestic spying on Americans by Americans because only a tinfoil hat wearing weirdo would ask such a question. And they’re popping up in February but not last November because of course they are. And for some reason this week it’s wise to shoot them down… unlike last week when we waited for thousands of miles. And for some reason Canada asked us to shoot down one of these objects over Canada because apparently Canada doesn’t own airplanes.
And these objects which are shot down are always shot down in places where there’s no wreckage, like Lake Huron. And since nobody can identify them they’re unidentified… even though they’ve been happening all the time and including under Trump but we didn’t know because “shut up”.
And if nobody is willing to identify them, then maybe they’re space aliens… because of course that’s a possibility that normal rational adults consider when they see a balloon.
Oh look, a mushroom cloud over a train track in Ohio.
I look at all that and say…
I’m out.